augustine.

Love is so short, forgetting it is so long." Pablo Neruda

I remember a friend asking me, "Did you not feel loved by him?" and I couldn't respond. The question lingered on my mind for quite a while. It hits hard when you want to say "yes," but you won't say it because it would make him look like a bad person, and you, disregarding all the memories you had with him. Because saying "yes" means you doubt his love for you, and it would be an unfair take on the relationship, and the guilt of saying "yes" eats you alive. So, I didn't respond. But silence means yes.

It was the year 2019 when we first met at a church we both attended. As the friendship blooms, so do my affections for him. I didn't know exactly when; I just found myself writing a poem while thinking about him. I wrote him a poem. Unnoticeably, my affection for him grew from wanting to be friends to being lovers. And what happens to a friend who develops affection for a friend? Well, most of them started to lose the thread of friendship, and in the worst-case scenario, they cut them off. In my case, he decided to distance himself without saying anything; we just stopped talking to each other. We're strangers again.

Post-pandemic era: 2021.

It was Christmas season, and a notification popped up on my phone—a message from him. Seeing his name again forms an unexpected excitement inside me. I forgot that I was over him, and the amount of time and energy I spent convincing myself that I was over him went to vain. I found myself smiling the whole time we were exchanging messages. It's clear that I was not, and my affections for him woke up like a sleeping princess waiting for her lover's kiss.

The friendship blossomed once more , but this time we both knew that we wanted to be more than just friends, and so we did. It happened fast. I thought we should not waste time; we'll die anyway. He was my first romantic partner, and I was his too. This was new to us; we were like kids trying to learn how to solve math problems, and it wasn't easy. We opted to keep the relationship private; we're not yet ready to go out into the world. For me, the more people know about your relationship, the higher the possibility of it being judged and criticized. I admit, I have a knack for being easily affected by people's opinions, so keeping it private is the best thing to do at that time. Only a few people knew about it. I was the happiest at that time, but it was fun while it lasted. 

As the relationship grew, we both exactly knew that at some point, it has to end, and it did. We were happy for a very short time, for two months and twenty-five days, we were happy. It was everything.

Aftermath of the Breakup: Navigating Grief