alice🌱

I saw G today.

I saw B today.

I saw a play today and watched X Men at F’s with Y and G.

I thought that I would feel something it anything when I saw G again. I did.

The play was real nice. I hope they were not offended by my statement on making bold promises. I was being a sarcastic tease.

O and I had a conversation. I crossed a boundary I didn't know existed and she told me. I'm still off about the lack of transparency from earlier but as I learn about her, I see how differently we see life.

Yinka said it took her a year to get over a crush, God epp me. This babe and I are going to be wirki by together for some months. It will die off eventually says Y. I believe her. She said B will be fine and I am thinking that I'll transition things with him this new week. I hope he is okay.

I don't feel a lot for G. Not a lot but it isn't intense.

When I don't force it, when I don’t try for it to be more, it is there. Gentle, honest, potentially deep.

It is there. I like her and her energy.

She is funny and I like her gently so

I don't know how I can do friendship with her

Her and I. I need to stay away from her until I figured it out. I like her and want to experience loving her and being loved by her and then it ends and changes.

Omo, I dey love o. Abi I dey like sha.

Funny how R said na go fit do Poly better pass my ex and I laughed about how funny it will be if I end up in a poly ting.

If anything, being with B has shown me a possibility around dating and spending time with people. It can be meaningful, real, impactful and sensual without being sexual or becoming a relationship.

I can start them, I can sustain them but can I end them and how does that work?

How does one end and transition short-term emotional/romantic affairs?

Day 197

Another day of reminding myself that my pain is real as I walk with weak legs and cramps.

Anytime B places his hand on my back to comfort me, I feel uncomfortable. Why are you trying to be nice to me? Don't touch me. I don't need the care in that way. You're doing too much. It's not that serious. I feel upset. Stop trying to save me. These thoughts are irrational. Why do they exist? Why is being shown care irritating? Do I not want it from him? Nah, if anyone else did it even O, I'd be irritated still. What is this feeling? Why does it upset me? I find me infatalising him in my head. What does he know? How does he think he can care for me?

Damn, what's wrong with me? I don't want pity but I want to be cares for so why does this disgust come up. Is it at myself projected onto others? I dunno.

However, he was sweet to me as always. He was attuned to my needs. He reassured me when I expressed my discomfort at being cared for at my weakest. When I left my walking stick as we climbed a flight of stairs, he held him plam forward and was my support as we toured the dance studio. I felt so vulnerable. I could have cried.

When I am flaring up, I feel too vulnerable. You can't see me that way. I want you to know so I don't have to explain and if there is an emergency, we all know what to do. But the emotional part, I can't stand anyone near it. Funny how I didn't even want N with me in the hospital on some days when it was bad. Even on those bad days as I lay on a hospital bed, I still need to tell myself that I am not making it up.

Don't see how sick I am

Don't see how traumatized I have been

I'm not broken, I swear. I am keeping myself together. My pain is deep and a lot but I am not my pain alone even though I want it to be acknowledged.

I want someone to see my sadness and pain and make space for me to bear it all without them seeing me as a weak child or as too much like whoa, damn, she got a lot going on. I'm not toxic because of my pain, I swear.

Maybe this that I am seeking in a lover is something to give to myself. To acknowledge my pain without running.