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I cannot reiterate enough how Lucien has done the BARE minimum for Elain as her “mate”.

Lucien is not “being a gentleman and giving her space/comfort” by living with the band of exiles. He’s AVOIDING her. It’s not polite, he’s literally just dipping out. Because it’s so painfully obvious that ELAIN DOES NOT WANT HIM. And honestly, there’s nothing in his actions to suggest he actually wants her either.

He’s not being a “good male” and thinking of Elain’s feelings. He wants out.

Him gifting her gardening gloves is NOT a good gift, If he actually cared, he’d know that Elain likes to garden with her bare hands. And in the Feysand BC it even says Elain has not used these gloves once. Also, the pearls he gave her? I literally cannot think of a worse or ill fitting jewel to give Elain. Like, he could have chosen anything and he went with pearls?? The jewel you’d give some stuffy old court lady. That’s a “safe” jewel you give to someone you DO NOT KNOW.

I’m just sick of these wild interpretations that Lucien is such a gentleman and a good mate, when he’s done nothing to deserve the title. Or the theory that Elain avoids him because she likes him sooooo much.

SJM has shown us time and again that Elain and him DO NOT FIT.

If Elain was not his mate, Lucien would not give her the time of day. Which he barely does already.

This is why I truly believe their bond is wrong/false in some way. If they were REALLY mates, Lucien wouldn’t be able to stay away like he is. And to an extent, neither would Elain. But they can separate for months without so much as batting an eye. It goes against EVERYTHING we know about mates.

I have seen a ton of speculation and takes out there about Azriel behaving ooc in the Bonus Chapter. I have been left especially confused about several takes on his conversation with Rhys, but I was taken aback to see some of the commentary labeling him as "toxic" and "entitled" to Elain. Some commentary I have seen has gone so far as to label Azriel as a "toxic incel." Truthfully, this is baffling to me and is not, at all, how I took this interaction. AT ALL.

One common theme I hear constantly as a professional and also as a friend and normal mortal human, is something we call the 'Just World Belief.' It's a common pattern of problematic thinking in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Pioneering psychologist Aaron Beck coined the phrase in his studies of cognitive distortions (thinking errors that often facilitate human suffering and exacerbate emotional distress). I would argue that the vast majority of people carry some element of this belief. It is one of a few beliefs that is not immensely culture-bound, and I have witnessed across genders, race, religion, sexual orientation, nationality, etc etc. I don't believe in "good" or "bad" beliefs or feelings, but I do believe that certain situations can warrant some of our beliefs and perceptions to be "helpful" or "unhelpful.

The 'Just World Belief' or 'Heaven's Reward Fallacy' is the extremely common cognitive distortion that, essentially, good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. This is, essentially, the underlying premise of karma, that exists in different packaging or reframes in every religion or spiritual belief system. In general, it's my opinion that this belief is generally helpful. It perpetuates and potentiates good into the world. It holds us, as fallible humans, accountable to treat each other well and put positive and loving energy into the world. It also prevents us, sometimes, from being unkind because we believe that, somehow, karma will come back around and bite us. 'What goes around, comes around,' as they say.

Again, for the most part, this is a super helpful belief. It is programmed into us from an early age. We hold our parents' hands when we cross the street so we don't get hit by a car. We study for tests so we get stars on the top instead of red writing with corrections. We are kind to others and we make wholesome friendships. We listen in class and we get to be the line leader. We don't listen and we have to miss out on recess and get our name written on the board. We go to our places of religious worship and hear about these concepts repeatedly. See how this works? See how deeply entrenched a belief most of us are not always consciously aware of can become? See how influential this belief can be in our lives? See how a belief such as this can filter and color our experiences with others, ourselves and the world, at large? And this is just one of thousands upon thousands of "core beliefs" we carry with us through our lives.

For the third time, we love this belief. We see this belief even play out on a macro level. When we see somebody get hurt profoundly. When we see a public trial of somebody who has been traumatized, for example, you will often see an institution that is set-up to not support hurt people. Why? Because on a social psychology level, our collective conscious cues this belief to an extent. We are collectively VERY uncomfortable with bad circumstances befalling people who weren’t doing things wrong. So we look for things they possibly did wrong. And it might look like this:

“Well, they created their own circumstances and they should have/should not have ______"

"Well it's a tragic situation, but she shouldn't have consumed that much alcohol or worn that outfit...."

The macro presentation of this goes even deeper on a sociopolitical level, but I’ll spare you all of my musings.

On a personal level:

"Yes well, I should have known better than to _____. I had this gut feeling but I still went. I didn't say anything and this happened. I'm such a fool"

Personally, I have never seen a trauma patient who doesn't grapple with this belief. This belief is a major hurdle in trauma treatment to work with, because it is so extremely entrenched on multiple levels. Entrenched to the extent that even when people were doing nothing “wrong” they will blame themselves and search for a rationalization.

If you've ever had the thought, "Why me?" This is likely a highly relevant belief for you. Honestly, who hasn't thought that? Who hasn't thought “why me?” when they got sick and had to miss out on something fun they were looking forward to? Who hasn't had that thought when they lost somebody they love? Who hasn't had that thought when they endured a difficult break-up? This isn't just relevant in trauma treatment. It is relevant in life! We basically all have this belief...and so does AZRIEL!

When I read this, all I could think about was the ‘Just World Belief’:

"The Cauldron chose three sisters. Tell me how it's possible that my two brothers are with two of those sisters, yet the third was given to another." He had never before dared speak the words aloud. Rhys's face drained of color.

“You believe you deserve to be her mate?" Azriel scowled. "I think Lucien will never be good enough for her, and she has no interest in him, anyway."

“So you'll what?" Rhys's voice was pure ice. "Seduce her away from him?" Azriel said nothing. He hadn't gotten that far with his planning, certainly not beyond the fantasies he pleasured himself to.

Rhys growled, "Allow me to make one thing very clear. You are to stay away from her."

"You can't order me to do that."

-Sarah J Maas: A Court of Silver Flames (Bonus Chapter)

“He had never dared speak the words aloud”- because it is SO vulnerable to do so. To acknowledge that you’re questioning the very core of your beliefs! Not because he’s ashamed or entitled/thinks he’ll look like a jerk.

“You believe you deserve to be her mate?" Azriel scowled. "I think Lucien will never be good enough for her, and she has no interest in him, anyway."- here it is. That “deserve” word. The deserve word is so meaningful in this context. It is playing exactly into Azriel’s vulnerability.

My perception was never, "What an entitled creep!" My reaction was, "Wow...he is struggling immensely with his faith and his core beliefs are rubbing up against this situation with a lot of angst and struggle. Because what happens when we objectively have not been doing anything "wrong" (I'm using these terms I hate to make this more concrete- not because they're the correct terms lol), but I'm not getting the "right" outcome? I engage in self-loathing. I tell myself there is something inherently wrong with me. There is something inherently wrong with the creator, with destiny, with fate...with the cauldron. "What if the cauldron was wrong?" He wants Elain. Elain wants him. He has been purposefully staying away to give her time and privacy. He has been staying away from Lucien for the same reasons: to give Elain her space to make her own decisions of what she wants without the influence of his pretty face around when he cannot trust himself in her presence because he wants her so badly! He has been controlled. He has stayed away. He has done the "right" thing. What did his brothers do, that he didn't do, to afford them this beautiful blessing/gift he does not get to have? THAT is not creepy. THAT is not entitled. THAT is vulnerability. That is admitting to questioning the very essence of what his belief system tells him is true in life/his world.

Azriel tucked in his wings and left without another word, stalking through the house and onto the front lawn to sit in the frigid starlight. To let the frost in his veins match the air around him. Until he felt nothing. Was again nothing at all.

-Sarah J Maas: A Court of Silver Flames (Bonus Chapter)

And here's where it is complicated for somebody like Azriel, who has had an extremely challenging life: for somebody who has "sullied" hands and has killed, tortured, and been tortured himself. Who has struggled to find happiness. Who has been questioning his place in the world and his "entitlement" to happiness. He ALREADY feels he is a "bad" person who doesn't deserve "good" things.

What was so tragic about that scene to me, and also so tension-building, was the therapeutic failure in this scene. Yes...failure. It was an attempt they both made to move into the gray and it failed. I think it set up so much more than just forbidden love, for both Azriel and Elain. Psychologically, it set-up a future corrective and healing experience between them. For Azriel, that he is, indeed, deserving of love. That love he is deserving of can defy "fate" and a "mating bond." For Elain, that she can create her own destiny and her own fate and not simply do what is expected of her; what she believes might disappoint other people. And so here they are, bringing both of their vulnerable selves together, and they BOTH had these deep insecurities, vulnerabilities and unhelpful beliefs confirmed in that moment. For Elain, when she takes the courageous step, she gets burned. For Azriel, it gets confirmed by his brother that he is "bad" and undeserving; despite Elain wanting him. Further confirmation of everything they both already believe. And that, my friends, is not simply tragic or creepy or weird…or toxic incel behavior. That is a set-up for growth.

The reality is, in treatment we don't strive to simply switch beliefs from one extreme to the other. We don’t strive to just indefinitely endure shitty circumstances even if those circumstances are outside of our control. We try to help people grow and develop out of their rigid attachment to these beliefs. The goal is what we call "Cognitive Flexibility." And man....the potential for growth here. The potential to see the "gray" of these circumstances. The potential to start to see: "I don't have to live my life to make everyone else happy. I don't have to be the ray of sunshine all the time. I can take fate into my own hands and employ freewill and define my own happiness. I can create it and nurture it and still be kind and not lose myself.” And to also see: "I'm a complicated and dynamic person who has had to do some questionable things for potentially justifiable reasons. I have had terrible things I have had to endure, but I am not a bad person. I am a good person in a messy and complex world and I, too, am deserving of good." THIS. THIS is why I cannot accept these takes that Azriel is a toxic incel. Or Elain is boring and undeserving of a book/story. I think most women can relate to being a people pleaser, just as I think we can all relate to asking "WHY ME!?" at times in life.