Fickle Thoughts

There are days that I'm not with my usual self and I feel so empty. I don't exactly know how I feel and how I'm gonna act. I'm just breathing.

Painful thoughts keep on haunting me every day. And it feels like I had no hope for this innocent love I had in my heart. But I know there is someone out there that could accept the love I have had since then.

I really admire those who choose to understand instead of holding a grip on other people who have caused them pain. We never knew how much strength they took to calm their selves. And they're so damn brave to do that. Wow.

Everytime I had a dream about him, there will always be a pain inside my heart. Because even if it's just a dream, I can never really have him. Why?!

I think the real closure that I obtained was to know where I was supposed to be. We have to accept the fact that there are people that came into our lives but are not meant to stay. At least we have seen the beauty in them despite how flawed they were. Yet, little sparks are there, but it doesn't affect me that much anymore.

No more heartaches from the person I am not in a relationship with. No more hard feelings from friends whom I always cherish, but ignore and debunk my self-worth. No, not anymore. I had deprived myself of the good things just to keep you feeling good about yourselves. I had set myself on the fire just to keep you warm. But I've come to my senses. You can no longer manipulate me.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout it all out until I had no voice left in me. The pain seemed like sucking my whole sanity. When would this stop?

For the past few months, I keep on praying for that man's safety, and happiness, and to see him happy with someone he truly loves. Yet, last time, after seeing that he was in a relationship, it massively breaks my heart. I never thought how excruciating it was. I just wanted to see him happy. But I realized, I was unstable because I'm so scared of so many what-ifs inside my mind. And one of the worst thoughts I had, happened. He is finally happy. But I do hope that the girl he chose to love and who became part of his life could love him more than I could. Because if not, he just loses someone who truly loves him. And I'm not coming back.

It hurts. Still, it hurts. Seeing him being so sweet with his new girl is like pouring acid into my heart. The throbbing sensation slowly arises until I feel the familiar pain that I don't want to feel anymore. That should be me when you don't reject my confession. That should be me when you just appreciate the way I care, the way I loved you. If you could just visit my mind and my heart, it would have always been you. But then again, I cannot force someone to love me back just because that's what my heart wants.

I always hope for the best in everyone. I also believe the good inside their hearts. Their kindness. Their generosity. The way they treat others. But why is it that when it comes to me, they just treat me like shit? I don't get it.

It's good to see him happy. But it just hurts me so much that the reason for it was not me.

I might be pretentious about how I feel, but if sadness attacks me—the pain will always show up. The pain was hanged inside me, and I think it was designed to be part of my heart. And this is the only thing that never leaves. Maybe pain is my best buddy, partner, and companion in this sad yet a beautiful tragic experience of my life—it always stays.

Why can't we be together? A question that I always ask the wind, hoping for it to answer. An answer that perhaps could cure the damage what has been occured. If destiny would just allow me, you'll probably experience the most beautiful and magical thing in your life.

I never had an idea love can be suffocating like this. It's draining me. It almost gives off the air I supposed to breathe. It's like someone stabbed the innermost fragile art of my body. I don't know what to do.

Admiring someone silently even without talking to them, and the emotions that you tend to feel towards them are real and completely valid. They don't need to know about it, they don't give a fvck about in us anyway.

I can feel his pain as I look into his eyes. I want to know him better. I want to let him feel that he is loved, and let him know he deserves so much more in life. I want to know him better because I am so ready to fulfill those empty pieces of him that I have seen through his eyes. I can feel his sorrow. I can feel that his heart is in chaos. I can feel him deeply. I can feel that there's a string that connects my soul to him. But the moment I tried to reach for him, he never allowed me—even just to stay with him. That's why I have no other choice but to walk away with sadness, and in deep pain. Yet, he has my heart. I left it with him. And I have no idea if he took it with him, or leave it there hanging.

I couldn't understand why would people leave without saying a word despite the fact that you shared good moments. I wonder if I became too toxic for them. What the hell is wrong? But I also realize some people will walk away from you because their role in your life is only for those moments you've shared. Despite how significant that person is to you, they will leave you without thinking twice because that's what destiny intends to do.