Arming sword: it’s the swordest sword to ever sword, nothing to explain, no complexity whatsoever, no sir.
Backsword: the extra-ancient, extra-special secret saber that you need to slay your coach to attain. Alas, for this sin you are cursed to forever wander, alone no matter the density of the crowd, that weirdo at the saber event whose weapon the gear inspectors puzzle over for fifteen minutes before finally shrugging and saying, “guess we’ll allow it.”
Basket-hilted broadsword: a single-handed sword with a unique, all-covering guard design, developed by the Scots to counter the British, who spread their tyranny to all corners of the globe through widespread use of their honorless hand-taps-only style of swordsmanship.
Cutlass: a saber too short to be useful outside its native environment of cramped sailing ships, the cutlass is now primarily used not as a weapon, but as steel plumage in the mating displays of that tropical bird of the sword nerd community, the ren faire pirate.
Dagger: a triangle-bladed spike of steel, the rondel dagger has been proven, by recent archaeological evidence, to be the only weapon that ever killed anybody in a medieval duel.
Dussack: a primitive boffer made from leather and wood. The term “dussack” is also occasionally used to describe a cutlass that happens to be owned by a German.
Gladius: it’s Greek or something.
Katana: A Japanese sword characterized by a curved, single-edged blade with a circular or squared guard and long grip to accommodate two hands.
Katzbalger: the preferred close combat weapon of the Landsknects, the most dangerous polycule of gay furries since the Sacred Band of Thebes.
Kriegsmesser: a curved longsword sometimes mistaken for the world’s biggest steak knife, the kriegsmesser is today wielded by fencers too self-conscious to admit that what they really want is a katana.
Longsword (German): the last of the Third Reich’s technologically impressive but strategically useless wunderwaffen, the German longsword was invented in the waning days of World War II. At first glance a simple two-handed sword, its hidden power can be activated with a 90-degree twist of the handle, which bodily transforms the wielder into an attack helicopter, careening uncontrollably toward its opponent to cleave their skull with its rotor blades.
Longsword (Italian): the apex of edged weapon fighting technology, capable of beat-thrusting its way through the armor of a main battle tank, this sublime weapon was single-handedly invented by the one true Daddy of swordsmanship, Fiore dei Liberi.
Messer: a small single-handed sword, the messer is possessed of a strange psychic property which makes every person you ask give you a different explanation for why it looks like a big knife.
Montante: a sword as lonely as it is horny. Though famous for its ability to take many men at once, this mighty greatsword has lived past its brief glory days. Now, in this degenerate age when large groups of men no longer thrust themselves into tight holes in castle walls, the tragically sexy montante has been largely abandoned by fencers who fear it is too mighty to fight with, even blunt.
Rapier: this extremely fashionable sword was meticulously optimized to defeat other people with the same taste in fashionable swords, exceeded in this niche role only by any other weapon capable of binding with its slender blade, as is related by history’s foremost expert in rapier fencing, George Silver.
Saber (dueling): known from a single extant specimen of an Absolute Fencing-brand electric saber inexplicably dating back to 18th Century France, the dueling saber is among the best evidence we have for the existence of time travel.
Saber (military): a blanket term for dozens of different single-handed curved swords from around the world, military saber as we know it today is a multitude of different martial traditions stitched together into a shambling undead abomination that stalks from club to club, eagerly devouring any fencer too unga bunga to be taken in by the wibbly allure of dueling saber.
Sickle: it’s not a farming implement, not any longer. Not even symbol of communism, no. This weapon has entered its final form as a dagger for people who think they are the main character.
Sidesword: too sexy to be an arming sword, too thicc to be a rapier, this evolutionary link between the two was simply too hot and had to be expunged from history to keep all the other swords from looking bad. It was only rediscovered in the modern day by reconstructive archaeological investigations into the philosophical absolute of “sexy sword.”
Shashka: a primitive saber without any kind of guard to protect the wielder’s precious fingers, the shashka is a weapon wielded exclusively by what is perhaps the most perplexing breed of sword nerd: the Cossack weaboo.
Smallsword: with its feather-light, sewing needle-like blade, the smallsword was invented so that waifish, noodle-armed rich boys would have a more traditionally masculine way to express their desire to kiss each other.
Spadroon: a likely-mythical weapon of extremely dubious historicity. Not only are there no extant examples of this sword, but experts agree there never were any to begin with. Its continued presence in modern HEMA culture is likely due to the deranged ramblings of fencers whose minds have been destroyed by their insatiable fetish for hybrid weaponry.
Swiss saber: a curved longsword with shockingly good hand protection, the ornate Swiss saber also demonstrates why basket-hilted two-handed swords never became popular: they look fucking stupid.
Viking sword: an arming sword that dropped out of school before it could develop even a rudimentary cross guard, the viking sword is the weapon of choice for those whose faith in the Aesir is as unshakable as their love for their only source in reconstructing their religion: the band Heilung.
