heart out

[Phoebe’s sweet voice could always manage to easy her nerves, no matter what it was about. But for the first time, the brunette’s voice didn’t have the expect effect. She was in shock and mostly worried, the situation was hard enough and Phoebe didn’t even knew the whole truth yet. Her friend’s warm hug shook her out of her thoughts and she sighed to heavily.] I don’t even know what I’ll do. My mom will kill me and I can’t tell Matt about this, Phoebe I can’t have a baby, I just can’t do it. [Amanda attempted her voice to sound at least a little bit less scared that it turned out to be, but acting up tough in front of Phoebe was the least of her concerns at the moment.]

{She nodded as Mandy spoke, feeling a knot on her throat. She understood all the reasons Mandy had not to have the baby -- her mother, first of all. The woman would lose the rest of her sanity if Mandy turned out pregnant, and even though she had no memories of Matthew, she didn’t like hearing that she couldn’t tell him about it.} Well... You could always... Get rid of it. It’s very high risk, and expensive, and in my eyes is still murder but... {Phoebe sighed, she didn’t want to imagine the terrible consequences of an abortion.} You could have the baby and give it to a nice same sex couple who can’t have babies on their own? You know,  light in the dark? I’ll be there when you tell your mom -- Or you don’t have to tell her at all!! Let’s get the hell out of here, and find somewhere to live, and we’ll deal with this. 

I guess. [The girl couldn’t bring herself to pay attention to the words her friend was saying, there was way too much in her mind and just the thought of having to tell her mom if she was pregnant was enough to drive her crazy. There probably couldn’t had been a worse time for her to have a pregnancy scare but of course it was happening now. she glanced up at Phoebe and furrowed her eyebrows.] I just don’t know what I would even do, Pheebs. [She kept chewing on her bottom lip as they waited for the minutes to go by, and all Amanda could think about was telling Phoebe the truth and how there was a chance Matt wasn’t even really involved. The sound of the brunette’s voice brought her out of her thoughts.] I’ll do it, don’t worry. [She took a deep breath and walked back to the bathroom, glancing at the sticks; Amanda could feel the air leaving her lungs when she saw the answer to a few of them. at least three said positive and that was all she needed to believe it. Amanda walked out to face Phoebe, a shocked expression clear on her face.] I am pregnant.

{She felt her heart stopping and her stomach falling to her feet when Amanda confirmed her suspicions. Holy mother of God. Phoebe was feeling frozen inside, but she quickly motioned to her friend. She was right, three were positive, the chances of them being false positives were slim.} It’s okay, you’re okay. {The brunette wrapped her in an embrace again, knowing it was the only thing she could do at the time being.} Listen, you will be fine. First I’ll schedule an appointment to have blood tests done on you, and if they’re positive, we’ll look for an obstetrician. {She tried to soothe her down, running her hand down her head. Even before Keely’s passing, Mandy had been Phoebe’s ride or die, and she was going to be the same for her.} I’ll be with you every single step of the way, okay? I won’t leave you alone. You won’t go through this alone.

[The boy took a few steps as he made his way in, trying to keep his eyes off her so she wouldn’t feel uncomfortable.] This place has that something, I guess. [He left a dry laugh out, it was odd to really think how that house felt more like home than Butler did and suddenly the thought of their hometown didn’t have the homesick effect it used to have at first.] Hurry up before it gets cold! [Dustin couldn’t help the faint laugh that left his lips, she was confusing and complicated now but she was still just Phoebe or so he wanted to think; he took a glance as she left the room again, his gaze fixed on her when he walked into the bathroom and despite how familiar he was with seeing her with no clothes on, it still felt weird and he simply focused on wiggling his butt onto the mattress, getting comfy right in the spot he had sat down in, her voice causing him to chuckle lightly.] Just how long you’re taking and how cold the cheese probably is already!

Hush. {She threw a Dorito in his direction and chuckled, taking a sandwich and giving it a huge bite. All the previous mess had made her forget about food and she couldn’t remember the last time she actually ate. Devouring the sandwich in less than two minutes, Phoebe reached out for more Doritos to calm her hunger.} This was seriosuly so good, thank you, Dustin! {Phoebe let herself fall onto the bed and sighed contently. For the first time in a very long while she was in peace, actual peace.} Is it true that one time we went to a party and got high? That’s what my friend Simon told me, but I don’t know if I should believe him or not. {He had also said that after that they had been all over each other, but Phoebe didn’t know how much truth his statements held.}

[Amanda’s arms instantly wrapped around Phoebe’s frame, keeping her close as she clenched her teeth to hold back a sob. It had been hell without Phoebe and out of all the people in the world, she was the only she could trust with a situation like that. She looked up at the brunette as she shook her head.] I just.. my mom would go insane. I would go insane, Phoebe I can’t. I don’t think I could.. [She took a glance at the bag before Phoebe began to take the boxes, and she thanked for a friend like her. By now she was sure she couldn’t have gone through it alone, not even the part of buying all those tests. She gave her head a nod and took the first stick in her hands and that’s when she noticed how jumpy and shaky she was. A heavy sigh leaving her lips just as her friend left the bathroom and she glanced down at the amount of packaging in the bathroom, cussing herself for getting in such situation.But there was no going back, and she had to know once and for all what the fuck was going on and so she took the tests, getting more and more nervous with each one of them. At first she considered waiting to see the results to tell Phoebe but she didn’t feel capable of being alone inside that bathroom so she opened the door, glancing down at her feet as she stood by the door.] I have to wait to know…

Three minutes. We can make it. {She gave her a kind smile and opened her arms to hug her, running her hand through the girl’s hair. She knew that things would be extremely complicated for her, especially with her mother, and she was clueless as to how Matthew would react to a pregnancy, but the only thing she knew for sure was that she would stick by Mandy at all times.} Listen, no matter what happens, I’m gonna be here for you and together we will figure this out somehow. You will be fine. {Phoebe kissed the top of her head and the three longest minutes of their lives went by. It was time.} Do you want me to check, or do you wanna do it yourself?

[no matter how stressed or troubled she was at the moment, her period would never be a day late which is why she freaked out as soon she noticed there was certain delay. But then again, maybe she had been doing a little too many drugs since Phoebe’s accident so she thought that maybe if she cut them off her body would go back to normal, the problem is; it didn’t. She had avoided Matt and made up excuses when they were together to stay as clean as possible, of corse the Xanax had stayed. But everything else had been nearly gone for several days and there was still no change at all other than continuous pains. So she had the take the guess, for much as she would like to deny it. It was very likely and worse, she had been with Rory not too long ago so she couldn’t tell Matt until she was sure and she absolutely couldn’t tell her mother or she would go get her and drag her home right away so she could only trust Phoebe about it. Even thought after the exchange of texts she had come to accept she would need to tell her friend everything and for the first time since she began to suspect; she would have to admit there was a change she was expecting a child. She heard the front door bang close and she guessed Phoebe had arrived which reminded her to take yet another long sip of the bottle of water she was holding. The girl nodded at the sight of her friend as she stood up, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand realizing she probably looked like a mess from all the crying earlier but Phoebe wouldn’t judge her, not until she heard it all.] Pheebs.. What the hell am I gonna do if it’s true?

{Phoebe’s knees turned to jelly when she saw Mandy in such a terrible state, she looked tired, sad, and most of all, terrified. The girl threw the brown bag on the bed before sitting next to her friend and pulling her in for a hug, stroking her hair and rocking her back and forth in a poor attempt to comfort her.} Shh, we don’t know anything for sure. If you are pregnant, there are options for you. Just, don’t abort. That’s wrong and dangerous for you. Let’s not jump into conclusions yet, alright? You need to pee first. Here, I brought you a lot of different sticks to pee in. {She kissed her forehead and pulled her up, reaching for the bag and walking her to the bathroom, locking the door that faced to whoever’s room was next to Mandy’s and started to open boxes and bags of tests.} Dry your tears, you need that liquid elsewhere. Everything is going to be fine, you’re not alone and this isn’t the end of the world. Thousands of women have gone through the same and everything has worked out for them, you’re going to be just fine. {She kept rambling reassuring words to her and handed the first stick} Okay, you only have to wet it completely but don’t soak it. There’s six more to go.

[Dustin stayed right where he was standing until she left the room, letting out a sigh as he made his way to the kitchen. He had a lot to think about and when he got up that morning he was surely not expecting for her to make a surprise appear on his day and for all she had said, she was there to stay. It was supposed to make him happy, and it did… But not in the level he had expected. He was just as afraid as he was happy and that was new. New and bad. the boy shook his head to push those thoughts away as he opened the fridge door and gathered the ingredients to make some food, he wasn’t exactly hungry but it was an excuse for them to keep talking that night. And despite his new found fear, he wanted to be around her. Be around her to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating; Dustin made the grilled cheese for both and he checked on the cabinets until he found a large bag of doritos. He placed the bag and food plates in the middle of a tray before he added soda cans to it. He made his way back upstairs and he felt a sting in his chest, remembering the times he would bring her breakfast to bed when she had stayed up too late and the boy cursed at his own memories haunting him at the worse time; he held the tray in on hand so he could knock once he reached her door and waited before the door opened just enough to see Phoebe in her wet hair to the sides of her face. He had made the food too quickly apparently.] I’m sorry I thought you would be done already…

{The image of Dustin with a tray full of food in his hands was oddly familiar to her, but she didn’t pay much attention to it as she hid behind the door and opened it so he could come in.} No, I’m sorry, I took too long in the shower. For the first time in a while I’ve felt something close to home, weird. {She shut the door again and started to open her drawers as she pulled a shirt, underwear and pajama shorts. Dustin had probably seen her in every situation possible (the unknown lace set she had found a long time ago was a clear giveaway of it) so she figured that’d be okay for that moment.} That smells so good, oh my god. {Phoebe took a couple of Doritos and shoved them in her mouth as she returned to the bathroom to change, not fully closing the door in her rush to be ready soon.} So uh, is there anything else I should know? Like, I don’t know, something else I have to apologize for.

I did. It wasn’t a plan at first but then it became one. [Dustin kept impatiently tapping his foot as he grew more and more anxious. He had an ocean of feelings and thoughts fighting inside him. He wanted to hold her close, forget everything that had happened but at the same time he didn’t feel like he could trust on things or her the exact same way it had been before, he sighed at the sound of her voice, it felt like it had been months since he last had seen her and all the confused thoughts soon turned into nostalgia.] Why don’t you shower and all? I’ll make the grilled cheese for both.

{Phoebe nodded and thanked him in a low voice before stepping out of the room, taking her things with her. Her bedroom was the same, she had been gone a couple of days but it smelled like storage already. She opened the windows so air could circulate and lit a candle to shower, doing her best not to keep replaying the conversation with Dustin in her mind, analyzing every word and corporal expression he made. He looked so hurt it made Phoebe feel worse, and she wondered wether he still loved her or not. Could his feelings for her be gone forever? Soon enough she ran out of hot water and wrapped the towel around her, simply squeezing her hair and letting it dry naturally. She was too tired to work a blow dryer. Someone knocked on the door and she glanced around looking for something quick to put on. Nothing. With a sigh she kept the towel squeezed with her arms and opened the door slightly.} Yea?

[Dustin glanced down as she spoke, keeping her close to himself, it was harder to keep certain distance after the couple of days he had spent missing her more than ever but he was handling to do so at least so far. He felt her arms get loose around him and he hesitated before pulling away very slowly, mostly against his own will but he did out of the fear of giving in to her apologies and allowing things to fall back right where they were before she left.] The weather is not that bad, so yeah I didn’t see why not give it a shot.

But, did you want to go? {She was scared she had been too pushy about it and Dustin was going to give in just to please her. It was obvious they had plans for the future and everything was on stand-by because of the fucking accident. It had definetly ruined Phoebe’s life.} Well, let’s not dig too much in the past because I can’t remember 85% of it. I need a shower and homemade meal for once, I’m tired of take out and restaurants. {She crossed her arms over her chest as she glanced up at Dustin.} Do you want like, dinner? I might do grilled cheese or something like that.

[He hated seeing her like that, so vulnerable; it had been months since the last time he had seen a Phoebe so fragile and it made him wonder if his stand was right. Maybe being harsh wasn’t exactly okay but… would breaking and agreeing to everything turn out fine? it didn’t the time before. He reminded himself. And that was the whole issue, she had hurt him and regardless of all the love he felt for her, he couldn’t shake the burning feeling off his chest. Maybe keeping certain distance until she remembered more would be the right thing to do. But it was easier to say than do, specially when she was standing in front of him looking so broken, probably more broken than she could notice and he mentally thanked she had been the one to step closer, unable to give that step himself. The boy wrapped his arms around the brunette and carefully squeezed her closer to his chest, letting out a contained breath just as he fought for not kissing her soft hair.] I’m sorry about LA not working out so good for you just yet.

{Phoebe shrugged, tangling her fingers behind him to keep him in place even for just a little longer. She wasn’t ready to let go of him just yet.} It’s okay I guess. {Her voice sounded more collected even though that wasn’t the way she was feeling inside.} There isn’t anything for me to do there yet, I still need to get into college and get a job and everything. I thought leaving here would solve all my problems, but... It clearly didn’t. Next time around will be better. {She sighed on a very low tone and eased the grip on his body, letting him know that it was okay to end the hug whenever he wanted to.} Did you ever really want to go to L.A?

[Dustin stayed there, staring at Phoebe and listening to every single word that left her lips. In somehow she was just everything he wanted and needed to hear and it was hard to believe how it didn’t make him feel as good as he had expected it would. He was surely glad to see she was recovering but how much of it would she come to remember at the end? The boy shook his head a couple of times and took a deep breathe, taking a few steps closer to her, he couldn’t smile and the only expression he was able to show was a frown. He stared at Phoebe for a few seconds. Unsure on what to answer to her.] You know what I’ll say, mostly I’m glad you’re getting your life back, remembering who you were because the Phoebe from Butler, this Phoebe. is not who you were here and while in Phoenix I saw you be the happiest. I’m not going anywhere Pheebs, just stick around all of us, everyone here misses you.

{What Dustin said to her probably felt worse than being completely rejected would have felt, but she had no right to complain or say anything. He had somehow agreed to let her in his life again, and at whatever degree that was, was enough for her. It had to be. There was just something that attached her to him, and she wondered if he felt the same way too. But it wasn’t the right time to ask.} Thank you. {She said quietly, trying to settle down to not break a sob in front of him. She would have plenty of time to cry herself to sleep later on.} I just feel like this is where I should be right now. L.A is wonderful, but it’s not my time to be there just yet. {Phoebe cleaned the wetness of her eyes with the side of her hands and sighed, getting it together and forcing herself to hold it in place for at least ten minutes more. Without saying another word, she took a step forward and hugged Dustin, his scent bringing a wave of comfort to her body. It almost felt familiar.}

[Dustin’s day wasn’t exactly nice but then again the few days he had been on his own had been just the same over and over. For painful as it had been to be around Phoebe when she didn’t remember him, not having her at all was far worse. He had been drunk off his ass with Rory and out clubbing with Marco the next and not a second went by without Phoebe popping up in his mind and he was going crazy thinking about her being with Ian, it was pointless and stupid to keep thinking about it but it was out of his control. When he saw the message he had to stare at the screen for a couple of minutes to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating or going crazy. Once he realized he hesitated to type a reply but he couldn’t contain himself and when he found out she was back and wanting to talk to him he got anxious, it had to mean things didn’t work out but why? and why was she back when she had said more than once she didn’t remember anything about their relationship. The knock on the door interrupted his thoughts and he got up from bed, glancing around the bedroom that still had the bottles from a couple nights before and he instantly thought of her vintage vinyls and candles all over from the times they shared that room; the boy shook his head to wipe those thoughts away, taking a few steps and opening the door just to see her standing there, something he thought would never happen again.] Hey…

Hi. {She could almost feel how her breath left her body. Dustin was looking bad, with bags under his eyes and the previous energy she remembered were drained from his body. He looked almost as bad as she did, with her wrinkled dress, messy bun in a non-stylish way and washed face.} May I come in? {After getting approval, she set her suitcase and bag next to the door and tried to remember the small speech she had put together on her way back. She was exhausted, physically, emotinally and mentally, but that had to be done as soon as possible. Going another hour with things like that was just too much for her.} Listen, I. What I’ve done to you has no name. I’ve been an awful person, the worst scum in the world. And I’m deeply sorry about it. The accident was the shittiest thing ever, and it was in no way your fault just like it wasn’t mine, but what’s happened after it has been my fault. You were nothing but sweet and caring and understanding towards me and I just... Played with you, and then left you for other guy. {Her words choked at that point, she was trying to hold the tears back but she knew it wouldn’t last long.} I’ve started getting glimpses of the past -- Jesus, that sounds dramatic. But, small moments. Mostly when I’m sleeping, the doctor says because my brain is actually resting and it starts fixing itself. You’re there so much. And... I feel good around you. Safe and... Whatever fucked up version of happiness it comes. I didn’t feel any of those things with Ian. I just left him on L.A -- And I’m not asking you to take me back because I don’t deserve someone like you, but can I be selfish enough to ask you to let me back in your life as a friend? I-- I need you, Dustin. And I will try to earn your trust and forgiveness, I swear.