Fel's World

It all started when I was 9 and I wrote a song about all the steps it takes to fall in love. It was something like 30 steps or more and so I went to my dad who's a musician and showed him the song I wrote. My memory is a bit vague about all of this but I do remember him telling me that there were just too many steps and he somehow convinced me to reduce it to three. So during the pre-chorus I say "on step one, you feel friendship, on step two you feel enchanted and on step three you're in love" and then the chorus goes "1,2,3 beat beat my heart only beats for you, 1,2,3 beat beat my heart only beats for us both. Only you and I are part of this world. Only you and I are part of this counting." I wrote it in Portuguese, which is my native language, since I'm Brazilian.

I hadn't even kissed a boy and I was already writing songs about love. Love has been part of my identity since I can remember and I've been writing songs about it my whole life. When I was 15, I started writing in English.

I grew up listening to Sandy & Junior (Brazilian duo) and then Avril Lavigne, Taylor Swift, Paramore, Demi Lovato and a lot of romantic pop/rock/country.

I love art, spirituality, quiet alone time, writing songs, walking or playing with my puppy Mailo (gold dust yorkie 😍). Yes I also do like to hang out with my friends but specially one on one or in my garden/at a park.

I've been trying to find my social media platform and I must say, no success so far. I just can't bother, you know? But this one feels safe. This one feels good. This one, I might actually stick around for a while.

I'm also a bit active on Instagram, but I find it quite superficial and sometimes downright triggering (why is everyone editing their bodies now?). I feel safer here, and I feel like my art (paintings, writing and music) will actually be seen, read and heard.

My whole life turns around emotions and I love to spread love and positivity. They make me feel good. And when I feel good, I sing.

Thanks for reading,

Love, Fel.

Dear Little Me,

Life isn't easy for you, is it?

I see you feeling desperate at night, unable to sleep, anxious and thinking about some of the worst things that could happen or have happened to you. Your mom tells you to go to bed but all you do it turn from side to side, trying to find comfort in the middle of the chaos of your mind.

You say you want to do better, have more energy, get better grades, but when you go to bed, all your worries take over.. What gives? You blame yourself, you create to-do lists and show organizational skills that many adults would be jealous of, but it becomes a clutch. All the planning, and no ability to consistenly show up for yourself. It's not your fault, but you don't believe me. You think there is a magical cure. A way to fix every problem. You think it might be your weight. I promise you, It's not.

You've been through so much, but you're still too young to understand that all of this anxiety and procrastination has a reason. A deep, difficult moment in your life that you might still remember, or maybe you forgot. Either way, you think you should be different. You think you need to fit in a box to find love. I promise you, you don't.

I'm you from the future, and I'm here to tell you that none of this is your fault. You can't grow in an unsafe environment. But things will get better. They really will. One day, you will have someone petting your back as you try to fall asleep. Someone who tells you they love you everyday. Someone who will stay when you want to run.

Dear Little Me, I know, I know, come here, let me hug you. Wow, things have been so hard, haven't they?

I see you feeling lonely even when you are surrounded by people. They say they love you, but their actions hurt your feelings, so.. What gives? You blame yourself, you do unspeakable things, things you're so ashamed of, because you want desperately to control your own emotions in an environment that never met your needs. It's not your fault, but you don't believe me.

You think there's something wrong with you. Maybe it's your weight. Or the way your hair looks. Maybe it's your teeth, or something about you that is unchangeable, so you think you'll feel this way forever.

Well, I'm you from the future and I have shocking news: It was never about you. People who are skinnier than you, with shinier hair and perfect teeth still go through so many of the things you're going through. It's not something about you that makes people not see you, not hear you, not accept and love you for who you are. It's them.

Not every parent is mature enough to be a good parent. Not every care-giver should be a care giver, and I need you to believe me when I say that nothing you do will change how they treat you. One day, you will be old enough to leave.

You will find people who cherish you, who love you, who encourage you for who you are. You will be surrounded by love, by safety and by hope. One day, you will look back and think "I deserved better".

You deserve better. The future waits for you.

It's 2022. In a cold afternoon, alone in my room, having flashback after flashback of horrible times from my past, I search for hope online. I google "Can I heal from C-PTSD?" and I find forums with many messages of people saying they've had it for 20 years and can't get away from their triggers. I feel desperate once again, so I go to my therapist. I ask her "Can I heal from C-PTSD?" and she says "Well, we are here to treat it for as long as it takes."

It starts to sink in. "Is this just how my life will be from now on? I won't be able to leave the house, to act normally, to have a simple phone call without getting triggered anymore? Ever?". I grab my guitar. I'm tired of writing songs about pain, but it's all I've ever known. I blink, and it's November 2025. I'm performing my songs with my band on the stage. People are inspired by my strength. I'm still afraid. I still get triggered, but it's not 50 times a day. It's 5. Maybe less. I'm able to do things even though I'm scared. That's progress. I realize that I've become what I was looking for 3 years ago.

The way I perceive my body changes depending on my mood. Seeing my body on screen raises questions about my worth as a person, and whether I should even be allowed to show my face outside until I lose the weight.

But whenever I see other overweight women (specially the ones I've been following on instagram, they wear bras and underwear and they look so hot! It inspired me to buy my own bra for the first time in years! Yep..) I admire them. I think they're beautiful and that we need more women like them: on screen, loving their bodies the way they are.

While I am constantly striving to eat healthy (my health is the most important thing to me, since I know that without health, there's nothing else one can do), I am also allowing myself to accept my body the way it is TODAY.

Today, I am beautiful. Today, I don't have the energy to focus on making my body look a certain way. Today, I am using my strength to heal from trauma and with that, hopefully inspire others to also heal and love themselves through the whole process.

You don't need to lose the weight to buy the bra. You don't need to have bigger boobs to look good in a bikini. We need to normalize normal bodies. Join the cause and let's together create a new generation: the generation that loves their bodies and understands their ever changing nature!

How amazing would it be if children grew up learning to love their bodies the way they are and focus on nutrition instead?

Today, for the first time, I randomly asked a stranger who was watching, if they wanted my business card (has the QR code with the link in my profile). They said yes.

Today, for the first time, I felt confident and comfortable in my own skin as a musician and an artist.

Meanwhile, I suffer from extreme anxiety, C-PTSD, fibromyalgia and you know what? Nothing can stop me. I am going to put myself out there, no matter the outcome.

I'm doing this for me and I'm doing this because I want to help people. I want to show you that you can change the world with kindness, love and empathy. I truly believe in this, and I believe that we can start showing that to ourselves today. But I'm not a hypocrite, so I started by doing it myself first.

Today, I was kind to myself. Today, I had empathy for myself and I took care of myself. And because of that, I was able to go out of the house and follow my dreams.

Just here to remind you that you're SAFE! ❤

The worst is OVER!

One day a man said to God, “God, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.”

God showed the man two doors. Inside the first one, in the middle of the room, was a large round table with a large pot of stew. It smelled delicious and made the man’s mouth water, but the people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.

The man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. God said, “You have seen Hell.”

Behind the second door, the room appeared exactly the same. There was the large round table with the large pot of wonderful stew that made the man's mouth water. The people had the same long-handled spoons, but they were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

The man said, “I don’t understand.”

God smiled. “It is simple,” he said. “Love only requires one skill. These people learned early on to share and feed one another. While the others only think of themselves.”

—Rabbi Haim