i also lived fully presenting as a guy for like 2 years in middle school and then again for a year when i was 15-16. so im not really sure what that means about my identity but im definitely afraid to watch i saw the tv glow.......

listening to my middle school playlist rn i can't believe i survived being 12. i was going to that school off 3 hrs of sleep with 2 tank tops folded over my chest UNMEDICATED just for my best friend to tell the whole class i cut myself at like 7 in the morning. and on top of all that i was listening to fucking flatsound. i'm not kidding if you did any of those SINGULAR things to me now i would need a week to sulk about it

when i shaved my head (15 yrs old) i felt so vulnerable and ugly that i would drown my face in this cheap toner from walgreens (good way to make your acne worse!) and the bottle is still hidden in a drawer in the bathroom. so sometimes i take a little sniff and i get VIVID images of my bald 15yr old self crying and also fuyuhiko from danganronpa 2. i do not miss 2021 at all holy fuck worst year ever

i just sat outside and read and i want to blow up my phone i don't understand how something like being outside can make me feel so good but i still want to do the thing that makes me feel like shit (scroll). like i don't even feel the dopamine from the phone. i FEEL it from being outside. i understand it but i also think it's stupid and i want to kill everyone who works at meta with my bare hands

everything i look at is making me anxious, like if i look at the lamp i get a pit in my stomach bc it makes me remember looking at that same lamp when i was 12. or like my alarm clock bc i have to wake up tomorrow

okay ive been struggling mentally the past few days, and that means i have less of a grip on whats real. so i go on facebook and see that there is a FUCKING EMU on the highway. I LIVE IN RURAL MARYLAND. FUCKING EMU ON ROUTE 50 ARE YOU ??????

i don't vent into my tumblr drafts anymore and i think that's a bad sign. mamas losing her ability to engage with negative emotions. when mama tries to shower without music mama experiences a large amount of emotional distress

i need to start doing witchcraft again