Man.... I suck. I’m only ranting here because I know I can put what I feel... say what I want to say because.. well I’m a coward. But man am I a fuck up... I get what I want; the love of my life, love, happiness, fuck even sadness. True sadness. And god have I never been so afraid to lose all of this because of something I decided to do, something that I should’ve just been straight up with but no... hah like what the fuck was I thinking back then?? Was I that afraid of what my personality had to present?? Was I afraid of being in a relationship that bad I had to make up a stupid lie to keep people away?? Or was I sooooo insecure that I was too afraid to even see someone?? I guess I didn’t expect to get this far back then. But boy was I wrong! I love this girl to death. I found someone I could truly be myself around, someone I knew I could go to to get happiness from and in return make her happy. Someone I can live my whole life with... and as one of her favourite songs would sing “I just want somebody to die for” and I found that person. It aches my heart to be this cowardly, to become this low, and to see us like this. Just knowing I’m the one who started all this hurts. But I’m trying.. I’m really trying to prove that love I had for her isn’t fake. That that was the only thing I lied about but every feeling of love, happinesses, and gratitude... all of that was real. But I can never get that trust again and I know it... I know you. And this is something you can’t forget and this is something I regret doing to you. Is there any chance at redemption?? I hope so... god I hope so. I’m gonna keep trying my best to show you the love I feel for you is real and not a lie. But whenever you feel like it’s enough... that you want nothing to do with me anymore, just tell me to stop. I don’t wanna hurt any more either. My heart hurts too much for us to be this way but I’m really trying. But I’m so scared...
