ICARUS

            ❛   sex  should  never  be  a  tool  for  revenge.  it’s  meant  to  be  special,  not  fuelled  by  anger  or...  a  mistake.  ❜

           ❛   i  think  maybe  i  should  have  sex  with  just  one  person  before  i  go  jumping  straight  to  two.  ❜

               ❛   ever  allowing  myself  to  think  she  liked  me  back.   ❜

   the instant that his hand dropped away from hers she felt empty and hollow. it was a direct contrast to how she had felt when their hands had been locked together. then, she had felt warm and alive. like she’d always been meant to hold fabian’s hand. she didn’t think that she could feel any WORSE than how she felt when she lost the simple touch of his hand. but, then, she gazed up at fabian’s face and witnessed the hurt that was clear behind his eyes. hurt that she had put there. and now, the cold feeling that settled in her heart mixed with guilt and nearly made the girl sick. 

     “ fabian– no. “ she quickly interjected. suddenly, she was desperate to cling to him.. desperate to try to fix this mistake that she had made. “ it.. it wasn’t like that. it was.. it was a MISTAKE. “ deep down, she knew that that didn’t make it any better. it had still happened. unfortunately, that was something that she couldn’t take back even if she wished that she could. but, she wanted him to know how truly sorry she was and how deeply she regretted what she’d done. “ i.. i was.. “ she stopped, unable to add in her next thought. i was jealous when i saw you with kitty. sighing, she finished with the lame addition, “ i was.. just drunk. “

    then, the next thing that he said practically stabbed her in the heart. desperately, she tried to ignore the green-eyed monster that flared at the mere mention of the girl’s name. the one that he had been locking lips with the night before. the one that had created the catalyst that pushed her into gideon’s arms in the first place. but, she couldn’t. quickly, it rose to the surface to where the girl curtly responded with, “ oh yeah.. sure. well, i’m sure that you and kitty will have a wonderful time together. “ the words that she spoke irritated her. she hated that she was reacting in this way.. especially when she didn’t have a right to be. she had no right to be upset when fabian wasn’t hers to be upset over. and yet, somehow, she couldn’t quite help it. she couldn’t seem to control her emotions when it came to the boy. 

FABIAN.

           he  didn’t  know  what  to  do  with  his  hands  without  reaching  out  for  hers.  he  felt  lost,  confused,  like  he’d  just  been  hurtled  off  a  cliff  and  expected  to  find  some  kind  of  foot  hole  to  grab  onto.  he  was  losing  control,  and  yet  touching  her  felt  like  it  would  be  a  million  times  worse.  how  could  he  ever  touch  her  again  without  picturing  his  own  brother’s  hands  running  over  her  body  ?   drinking  her  in  like  fabian  had  always  wished  he  could.  this  pain  felt  like  a  betrayal  of  the  worst  kind,  and  yet  his  mind  kept  telling  him  he  had  no  right  to  be  angry  ---  he  had  no  claim  over  her  and  he  had  no  control  over  his  brothers  actions.  so  why  did  this  hurt  so  much  ?

           stuffing  his  shaking  hands  deep  into  his  pockets,  his  gaze  stayed  glued  to  the  floor,  feet  stepping  back  until  he  collided  with  another  table.  and  then  he  was  frozen,  itching to  escape  as  she  continued  to  throw  out  excuses,  trying  to  pass  the  blame  onto  anyone  but  herself.  and  it  was  perhaps  a  cruel  thought  to  have,  but  he  couldn’t  help  but  feel  frustrated  that  she  couldn’t  even  take  responsibility  for  her  actions.  she  had  done  this.  he  had  done  this.  together  her  and  gideon  had  made  a  conscious  decisions  to  do  something  they  knew  was  going  to  hurt  him.  the  least  she  could  do  was  own  up  to  it.

           ❛   s  --- stop,  i  don’t  need  excuses,  it’s. . .  it’s  fine.  i  don’t  even,  i  mean. . .  you  can  sleep  with  whoever  you  want,  grets.  i  don’t  CARE.  maybe  just. . .  don’t  tell  me  you  did  it  just  ‘cause  you  were  drunk.  that’s  not  far  and  gid  ---  he,  he  doesn’t  deserve  that.   ❜

           looking  up  at  her  icy  words,  fabian  once  again  felt  a  bubble  of  anger  rising  in  his  stomach.  what  reason  did  she  have  to  be  so  worked  up  about  a  couple  of  friends  helping  each  other  out  ?   HE  was  the  one  who  was  supposed  to  be  mad,  not  her.  and  on  any  other  day,  he  might’ve  asked  what  was  wrong,  what  was  bothering  her  so  much  that  she  felt  the  need  to  spit  those  words  with  such  irritation  fuelled  behind  them.  but  on  this  day,  he  instead  bit  down  on  his  tongue,  narrowing  his  eyes  on  her  before  carefully  speaking  his  last  words.    ❛   thanks.  i’m  sure  we  will.   ❜    and  with  that,  he  turned  on  his  heel  and  navigated  his  way  through  the  kitchens,  hot  tears  burning  beneath  his  eyes  as  his  emotions  got  the  better  of  him  ---  anger  and  betrayal  and  confusion  and  frustration.  climbing  through  the  portrait,  he  couldn’t  help  but  slam  the  door  behind  him,  furiously  trying  to  keep  the  tears  at  bay  and  making  his  way  straight  for  the  dormroom.

  she had hoped that, maybe.. just maybe, fabian would have disappeared due to her indifferent attitude. really, she should have known better. if anything, that just set off alarms in the boy’s head. he knew her too well to know that something was terribly wrong, and he was too kind to leave the room when he knew that his friend was hurting. she kind of wished that fabian was a little less caring. because the moment he’d moved closer to her, she knew that the secrets that she held locked deep within her were about to pour out. she knew that she couldn’t keep them hidden away.. NOT FROM HIM. she had to tell him what happened.. even if it made him angry with her.

    sighing, she hesitantly glanced up at him and immediately wished she hadn’t. it would have been easier if she didn’t see the look in his eyes.. the one that she definitely didn’t deserve. for a brief moment, she thought about going back on her decision. selfishly, she didn’t want the look that he currently held to change to one that was filled with DISGUST. silently, the blonde reached over to the boy and gently took his hand in hers. lacing her fingers with his, she ignored the erratic beating of her heart at the simple touch of his hand as she gave it a squeeze for some kind of strength. “ fabian.. there’s something that i have to tell you, “ she said, “ i uh.. i was very drunk last night and ended up sleeping with… “ she paused for a moment, “ uh… someone. “ of course, she knew that that statement wouldn’t have meant much to him. after all, it wasn’t like greta hadn’t been in a similar situation before. which is why, regretfully, she knew that she had to continue.

        “ but uh.. it wasn’t just anyone, “ she began. for a moment, the blonde looked down at her feet but she managed to return her gaze to him. “ i just.. i wanted you to hear it from me rather than someone else… “ come out with it already. rip off the band-aid, she thought to herself. shaking her head then, she gave a deep sigh before she finally let it spill, “ it was your brother. “ she stared at him, then, in wait for any sort of reaction that came next.

FABIAN.

            his  heart  was  aching  to  see  her  in  such  turmoil  ---  what  could  possibly  have  happened  that  would  flip  the  sight  of  his  favourite  smile  ?   a  million  worst  case  scenarios  flicked  through  his  brain  as  he  watched  her  anxiously,  trying  to  catch  her  gaze  in  the  brief  moment  that  she  looked  up.  he  would  kill  whoever  had  put  such  pain  beneath  such  gorgeous  eyes.  that  much  he  was  certain  of.  if  she  couldn’t  tell  him  he  would  figure  it  out,  and  he  would  make  sure  whoever  let  her  suffer  felt  the  same  sort  of  anguish  that  she  was  feeling  now.  fabian  was  STEAMING  ---  and  the  only  thing  that  could  bring  him  back  down  to  earth  was  the  gentle  touch  of  her  hand  in  his,  fingers  intertwining  and  locking  together.  his  anchor.

            and  when  she  was  finally  speaking,  everything  voice  in  his  mind  instantly  stopped,  his  focus  solely  on  her  and  her  words  as  he  hung  onto  her  explanation,  waiting  for  his  next  chance  to  burst.  it  was  only  once  she  sputtered  out  the  truth  that  he  froze,  fingers  tightening  on  her  grip  and  frown  deepening  as  his  gaze  fell  to  the  table.  right.  so  she  slept  with  someone.  and  sure,  he  knew  this  had  happened  numerous  times  before,  and  yet  still  every  time  he  let  himself  think  maybe  he  would  be  next.  and  every  time  he  was  wrong.  and  every  time  it  hurt.  but  he  couldn’t  let  it  show.  and  he  couldn’t  figure  out  WHY  ---  why  was  this  such  a  big  deal  ?

            but  then  the  whole  truth  was  out,  and  immediately  his  heart  dropped,  bile  rising  in  his  throat  and  eyes  squeezing  shut  against  the  sight  of  the  bench.  GIDEON.  right.  so  it  wasn’t  just  any  other  night.  she’d  gone  and  fucked  his  brother.  and  he  knew  he  had  no  right  to  be  mad.  he  knew  he  had  no  right  to  feel  so  betrayed,  so  completely  and  utterly  hurt  by  their  actions,  but  he  had  never  been  good  at  keeping  his  emotions  in  check.  he  felt  all  of  those  things  and  more.  because  this  wasn’t  just  the  act  of  greta  lying  with  another  man  ---  this  was  his  best  friend  sleeping  with  the  one  person  who  he  thought  knew  him  better  than  anyone  in  the  entire  world.  stupid,  naive  fabian  had  tricked  himself  into  thinking  gideon  knew  how  he  felt  for  the  girl  standing  in  front  of  him,  and  in  the  process  had  gotten  himself  more  hurt  than  perhaps  even  greta  herself  felt.

  to say that greta was stressed was a bit of an UNDERSTATEMENT. the more accurate description would be that she was totally freaking out. the guilt that she felt weighed down on her shoulders to the point where it was suffocating.  thus, she had gone hard to work in the kitchens desperate to do something that would make her feel a little bit calmer–a little bit more in control of her situation. or.. at least.. in control of something as she was creating it. in retrospect, she probably shouldn’t have chosen the kitchens to hide in. that would be a place that fabian would definitely look for her and she had been trying to avoid him. “ hmm. yeah, you found me, “ she spoke weakly, continuing to focus on the cookie dough that she was stirring up. 

     she tried to keep focused on the task at hand, but the words that he spoke instantly caught her attention. find someone a bit more fun than me, maybe? the words brought up images that she had been trying to keep away from her mind. and there it was, again. THE GUILT. “ uhm.. yeah, i guess that you could say that, “ she spoke weakly. still, she was unable to bring blue eyes up to look at his face. she knew that the instant that she did that she wouldn’t be able to keep the secret she was hiding from him. it would all come pouring out. so, the blonde continued to focus on her work as she dipped out small, even scoops of cookie dough out onto the pan.

FABIAN.

     fabian prewett had not always been known for his ability to read a room --- but he knew his best friend. and though he might not have noticed it at first, the moment she opened her mouth, he could tell something was wrong. her tone was meek, so quiet in comparison to their usual upbeat, teasing banter. her eyes stayed glued to the counter, unable to meet his, so unlike their usual gleaming smiles. his grin fell in an instant, instead replaced with a worried frown and a crease of his brow. what was wrong ?  had he done something ?  had something happened the night before ?  a million thoughts flew through his mind but not one of them came out, instead an odd silence settling over them as he hopped off the counter and took the steps forward to stand opposite her. 

    ❛  hey, hey --- i was only jokin’. i thought we’d had --- you’d had a good night. but yer not... yer not yourself, grets. did something happen ?  ❜

      ❛  he wouldn’t do that, so there’s no need to picture it, really.  ❜

        ❛  unfortunately she never actually got the chance to join me, since i fucked it up so horribly that they kicked me off pretty fast. but it was at least fun to see her laugh while i was up there.  ❜

    ❛  is it alright if i politely decline ?  not really my style.  ❜

    ❛  what, you didn’t see ?  i went to all that effort of storming the stage and getting kicked off just for nobody to notice ?  blasphemous !  really !  ❜

       ❛  FUCK yeah !  we smash all you other bitches, and you know it — sorry gid, but i think molls will agree with me on this one, too.  ❜