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NOTE for 7/5/2023 - I sat on this article then never published it. 3 years later I figured just to preserve this article as it was intended to be read by me from 3 years ago. My thoughts & feelings have changed. The final 2 entries had little text & my memory is not strong enough to remember the context carefully enough to really add onto what was there.

4) Bloodborne (played on PS4)

Lovecraftian horror saw a huge resurgence in the 2010s, and Bloodborne was the first thing to show me that you could easily harness the author’s distinct sensibilities while avoiding all the racist/sexism/homophobic/pro-eugenics bullshit that informed H.P. Lovecraft’s worldview.  Bloodborne sidesteps these pitfalls entirely by merging the aesthetics of Lovecraft & Victorian-era gothic fantasy horror to weave a tale of politics, the abuse of power, and how those abuses destroy the lives of ordinary people.  Truthfully, so much of the actual story & sequence is so obfuscated that the only way to really grasp it is to dive into community-built Wikis, watch plot explainers, & pour through archived Reddit threads. Bloodborne’s world is horrific.  Chilling soundscapes, unsettling environments, and increasingly distressing monster designs evoke an almost nihilistic sense of doom.  I heard unseen NPCs cry out in pain and read descriptions about mass suffering, and it became clear that Yharnam was not only haunted by werewolves and aliens, but the despair.  ALSO, there’s a game you can play too!  Unlike Dark Souls, the combat loop revolves around aggressive play, leading to a faster, twitchier feel.  Even though I played Dark Souls first, I didn’t like it.  Bloodborne’s loop was super compelling, though years out, the setting still lingers with me.

3) Pokken Tournament DX (played on Wii U & Nintendo Switch)

In 2013, I was a frightened closeted trans kid that just escaped the Midwest, heading towards an unfamiliar city.  In my new home, I started developing interest for competitive Smash Bros: Melee thanks to the surge of popularity the game was having online.  I quickly saved up for a Gamecube and started I grinding Melee, but ultimately this first foray into competitive fighting games would be a lonely experience, as I struggled to find friends or local meetups. I dropped Melee and wound up neglecting the genre until around 2016, when I reluctantly tried out Pokken Tournament on the WIi U (BTW f--- 2016).   Picking it up initially was rather bewildering, as Pokken is just, fucking  WEIRD.  Matches constantly switch between a 3D arena-fighter arena with 6 degrees of movement, and a 2D state that plays like a traditional fighting game. Moves & inputs change across both settings, meaning that every character has 2 unique kits to learn.  Despite this curve-ball, I quickly came to adore Pokken’s lightning-quick pace.

Also, it’s deeply important to note that the game has Suicune, my favorite Legendary Water Dog.  Pokemon Crystal (for Game Boy Color) was the 2nd game I ever owned so YEAH, Pokken DID mine some unearned affection from me right out of the gate.  I’m ashamed of nothing. Solid fighting games were certainly common in 2016 (BTW fuck 2016), but, unknown to me, Pokken Tournament had something uncommon: decent online matchmaking. Even in 2020, Japanese-developed fighting games still implement delay-based netcode that doesn’t scale well from Japan to America, which infamously makes online play a struggle for many here in the US. With Pokken, online matches came quickly and felt responsive, even on my average connection. This ease of access allow me to spend 100-ish hours in the game’s competitive modes.  With hindsight, I was lucky super that my reintroduction to fighting games was so accessible and opened my heart up to the genre.

2) Tetris Effect (played on PS4 & PSVR)

I have two special interest that do not overlap: Electronic Dance Music and video games. This game merged those two things awkwardly, but in a way that helped me celebrate my love for commercial dance music.

1) Warframe (played on PC & Nintendo Switch)

I have ADHD & Warframe’s loops sucked me in. 600 hours and $600 dollars spent on a game that let me press buttons.

This controller is a LOT to learn.

Once I got down how to “move” again but not run off the edge of the stage & die immediately (internalizing the placement of the jump button took time), I then had to learn that using Mod 1/2 (also referred to as mX/mY) allow my character to walk at two speeds while holding them. Turns out, you’ll need to be using those mX/mY buttons for special attacks as well, but only if you’re not in a full dash. Rookie stuff, but complicated thanks to this controller. After climbing over those hurdles, I then needed to internalize the general button layout. Understanding where Shielding (L/R) was was tricky. Not triggering accidental Specials (B) took time. Relearning the timing of short-hops was tough. Learning that I needed to move my fingers from top row to bottom row for wave dashing took getting used too, despite the benefits it has for certain characters. After a week, I felt that I was getting the basics down. Once I got to angles, my head exploded. Press pressing any of the 4 cardinal directions, you get an angle. Add in mX/mY with, say, holding Down and Left, you can change a 45 degree angle to either 30 degrees of 59.5. This is extremely important as it gives you access to new wavedash angles, recovery tools, etc. Now, with this in mind, lemme tell you that you can add any of the C-stick buttons in for extra precision. So, combining two directions + mX/mY + a C-stick button means you’re hitting 4 buttons in nearly a split second to land precise angles

Despite being the target audience for the “Smash Doc” in the early 2010s, it was not until 2021 that I took the plunge into learning competitive Smash Bros: Melee. The reason for this was twofold: I didn’t have a convenient way to attend locals at the time (I could not find the locals location), and the Nintendo Gamecube Controller proved to be a painful controller to use.

Back in 2014, I grabbed a copy of Melee & practiced in isolation. I spent time here & there, fighting bots & practicing beginner tech documented in YouTube videos. During those sessions, my hands often felt numb & stiff. I didn’t realize that I was stressing out the muscles in my hands, and being a kid isolated from the broader Melee community, I wouldn’t come to realize just how important hand-care was Around 2021, I’d take the competitive Melee plunge with Slippi, the unofficial online Melee client, but once I started grinding out tech & playing matches, I began to notice that my hands HURT when using this controller. I actually recall having an entire day go by with my thumbs searing with pain. I’d soon learn about hand exercises, but the pain was harsh despite stretching appropriately. No video game is worth physical pain, and after 40+ hours of trying Melee out I thought it was time to walk away. However, all this changed once I learned about “B0xx”, a stickless fighting stick designed to provide an ergonomic alternative to the Gamecube controller:

This 20-button controller was touted as being an alternative to the GCC, a controller that is easier on the wrist, thumbs, and hands. After a chance-encounter with another B0xx owner, I was delighted when I could simply move in the game without the strain induced upon my thumbs. I was over the moon for this controller & couldn’t wait to order my own. Once I started using mock-B0xx layouts with a keyboard for Melee, I quickly realized that this controller would be extremely complicate to learn. Turns out, when create a digital controller designed for a game looking for precise analog values with nearly 360 degress of precision, you wind up with something that assumes you have a decent working knowledge of Melee’s basic & intermediate mechanics to better understand how the B0xx’s various inputs, modifiers, & design nerfs work. What resulted was a protracted period of me struggling to learn the basics of beginner Melee on top of trying to internalize this complex controller. The brilliance of Smash is that it’s controls are deeply accessible & easy to use, and all of that completely thrown out the window with this controller. If you want a sense of how that is, answer this question: “Which button is Up?” (specifically, up on the Control Stick) Answer: the circled button below. And yes, that position is as awkward as it looks. And this is ONLY the tip of the iceberg.

9) Undertale (played on PC)

I didn’t finish Undertale, but I still feel its influence today.  The massive reach Toby Fox’s quirky, unassuming indie mega-hit had on me, my own group of friends, and the internet at large is beyond measure.  The game forced me to think about game design from a holistic perspective, how game mechanics can possess weight, and the value of empathy.

I still remember being brought to tears with the game’s opening act with Flowy.  His menace and cruelty shocked me to tears, but thankfully Undertale refutes Flowy’s nihilism by diving into a whimsical story that treasures empathy and kindness.  Maybe the story goes into some neat places though, it would help if I fucking finished it, right?

8) DOOM 2016 (played on Nintendo Switch)

I am not a good critic; I often fail to pick up subtlety, and if it had not been for intelligent essays, videos, and think pieces out there (shout outs to Errant Signal, Innuendo Studios, and Feminist Frequency), I think I would really struggle to even talk about how I value games. DOOM showed up to let me know something about myself: I like big, dumb, loud, snappy games action games.  Maybe that lessens my critical assessments and observations, but I am who I am!

BUT LIKE, DOOM slaps.  It’s fierce, indulgent, and drowning in comedic levels of bravado & viscera. The gunplay is snappy, fast, and mimics retro-shooter sensibilities without the game feel becoming weirdly detached and floaty, like your Quakes and such.  DOOM is a joyous big-dumb time. (also the Switch port is pretty solid, provided you can stomach the Switch’s limitations.  Also that port by studio Panic Button was instrumental in getting 3rd party devs on Switch, which is something I think we’ll come to appreciate down the line).