luka

chasing the past that held you,

pass through like a commuter,

or stand still smelling the air,

press your nose as hard as you can

against that impenetrable glass,

it will never be what once was

I am here, again.

Ive polished myself up and hope for a different outcome maybe we could laugh together

but I sink into the wall my words dissolved in the air behind you as I spoke them, I raised my voice, you did not hear

you shine regardless

oh how mopey I am how isolated, how small I have become

how loved you are.

pass through like a commuter,

or stand still smelling the air, pressing your nose as hard as you can against that impenetrable glass,

it will never be what once was

The other loves hard, she is fiercely emotional, violent, selfish, heartbroken, betrayed, ever loving and ever hating, a victim of caring too much. All she knows is what she feels and she feels so much.

She ruled the house tyrannically, she screamed and cried and laughed and painted her thoughts over every wall. She loved till she bled and she bled herself dry. She poured her heart out to people that didn't care, and she violently hurt people that didn't deserve it.

Meekly he sat in the corner, watching her destroy their home.

Until one day when he pulled her by her hair up into the attic, locking the hatch.

The house is quiet now all is still he sits alone on the first floor,

thinking about what he might have created, leaving it festering up there.

The days when we walked hand in hand and you ruled over my decisions and thoughts can't occur. Soft love did nothing but hurt you, make you cry, so now I will choke you till you learn to remain calm and quiet. You are everything I despise about myself, my cause of suffering. My therapist says i should be kinder to you, i don't know how to nurture, it makes me feel worse. So i will continue to let you rot in my subconscious till i am capable of existing without.

In my drafts from a few yrs ago fight club esque multi personality concept inch resting

I was something only you could decide when you had said that

in five years time you thought you'd still know me,

in my own way I prayed for it. 

Dreamt of my eventual glorious redemption like Onesimus.

Foaming at the mouth for that day far in the future 

when I’d finally earn my place as your equal.

I took 46 pills and a knife to my arms two weeks before my 17th 

when you told me who I'd always be 

and threw me to hades.

It was cold and quiet.

I'm 22 next month 

to think i feared the time when you wouldn't know me at all

like my mother fears hell

when now I can be anything I please

little broken bird perform your emotion to be saved by your superior

poor fawn let your past be groped in the name of insight

delicate creature I'll explain your own psychology with the big male mind

as he fantasizes about you carving into your soft skin

get down on your knees and cry before him

you told me I was a doe,

long limbed, cautious, easily startled.

You joked about your restraint for any gesture too large or loud,

you knew I'd turn and flee back into the dark,

a beautiful lonely thing, plagued by fear,

deserving of more?

You never did see

I am a cockroach

mechanical

Poem i wrote last yr when i relapsed bulimia wise but its not even specifically about being bulimic