ᴇʟʟɪᴀɴᴀ

I’m quite sensitive for a girl who wants such horrible things. A embodiment of what the word sacrifice really means. A fragile timid bunny who fears the hunter’s shadow, yet lingers at the edge of the forest all the same. My lullabies, even when the sun was set, would sound a little haunted. Every ribbon I wear is full of laced panic, driven by madness. And in the delusional of it all, I keep flowers in my body where my ribs should be. Some parts of my world burned & people called it “love”. It all crumbled, got tore apart & yet I still crawl. I crawl to source of it all, the bleeding wound where half of the heart is left. Part of me can never truly be healed. I keep choosing the same familiar darkness instead of stepping into the light. Poison felt like medicine while love felt impossible. So I reach to those with the poison that makes me feel so alive. The only true antidote is letting that viscous animal that calls upon my name could ever save me from this world.

Saying your name out in vain praying that you hear me. Praying that every word I speak will strike you like an arrow. Forcing yourself to swallow the bullets until you feel heavy. The same bullets that I crafted from my unwilling hands. You swallow them like a tough pill, a pill that leaves a horrible aftertaste in your mouth. Listen to me as I speak. Watch me closely and do not fret. Watch as my tears roll down my face, watering every withering rose that was once a delicate pretty little flower. Understand that even the horrible things can become something softer in the right light. Let the eclipse hover over your sorrowing soul while I sing you a prayer. Let my words shiver down your spine as you grit your teeth while your breath becomes sharp.

I’m 19 now lol

The idea of it is becoming spoiled to me again

My blood will be your guidance. Let it decide the type of animal you really are. Bare your teeth at me, let me see the flesh that hangs from your mouth. Your breath reeking of the all the dead souls that have ever tried to cross you. You can’t help yourself & it shows. Deep down you know that this is exactly what I want & need. I will have you so deep into my grasp that veins will grow onto you & hold you to me. I’ll meticulously aid to those rotten parts of you, as they are now part of me. Let my blood be your poison. Bathe in it, savor it, adore it the way I’ll adore you. I will dig my filthy claws so deep into you that your body will forever have a permanent mark. Let those demons all out, possess me. Let my blood become your religion. Pour it in a glass, let it shimmer so beautifully onto your skin. Let me be beautifully & disgustingly yours. My body no longer has to have maggots feeding off my flesh. I will be your reverent prize possession. Does the obsession corrupt your soul like it does mine? Does it cut you deep like a knife? Twisting so deep inside you until there’s nothing left? Ripping your insides until you feel nothing. Ive dug my own grave thinking I couldn’t ever have my own peace of mind with you, but you can be the one to pull me out of the dirt that’s infested of bugs. Pull me out of this deep water that suffocates into my lungs. I don’t have to suffocate, instead; your oxygen can be shared with mine. Let our bodies rot together, if we can’t beat the maggots; then let’s let them eat our flesh together. After all, I can’t be without you, my dear.

You will never understand the violence within myself that took to become this gentle. The blood, the tears, the screaming, the constantly lying to myself. I had to hate myself enough to find anything that was considered worthy, and I’m still not sure if I’ve found anything that could be remotely even considered good enough. Maybe I’m too hard on myself, but when you grow up with it, it kind of just becomes part of you. I looked for solace in all the wrong places in hopes that this dreadful feeling would go away. When I say I over think things; I actually mean it. And it feels like bugs are eating away at my body trying to make me rotten, taking every little good thing in me away and leaving nothing but the decaying parts. I have created my own cage of self hatred and it feels like burning needles piercing through my heart for every time I breathe in. I am nothing but a ruin.

My eyes bleed at the sight of the dying moon, realizing that even the purest beauty can turn ugly. Not everything can shine and dance around like i want it to. My heart is forgiving but my eyes are blind. If I don’t bite at the hand that feeds me then who will? My fragile glass heart will not always be such of a prized possession like a trophy kept in a case if i can’t find ways to put wires around it. If I can’t be free why does everyone else have to be free? Is it me controlling these thorns or are the thorns controlling me? Taking part of me away from everything that I had ever loved. Turning sweet things into sour, it won’t always be the same. Eventually the sweetness will fade out and I will no longer see things for what they are. Roses fall off, will I? Will I let myself turn into something that eventually turns into nothing?

I spend so much time looking for someone who doesn’t exist

I’m crazy enough to think that maybe, just maybe id ever be important to you. The stage lights stay dim . I am a lone silhouette in a fearful shadow. It’s like I can still feel your presence despite you never being there. I dance upon each sharp knife, my feet bleeding yet I still sway and move to each aching note that sings to your crimson blood of faith that i desire.

You were everything to me. I could’ve been yours. I wanted to be yours. You feed me false hopes & I believed it because I thought you loved me. I wanted to be special to you. I wanted to be everything as you were to me. I put my mind, soul and body into devoting myself for you. I pushed everyone away so my attention could be on you. Why must you be ungrateful? I did everything. Even if you lied I still would’ve smiled. I just wanted you to tell me you loved me. I was there for you. I waited. I was patient. I feel so lost, hopeless and lonely. I know my efforts don’t seem much but I truly did try. I was right there, why couldn’t you see me? I wanted to be your Angel, your pride, happiness, your love. Your one & only. I gave you love, but you took advantage of that & ignored me. You were my consolation. You were the guide to the stars. You were the last petal on the branch. I had so much hope in you & I wasted all of that time and energy into thinking you could ever love *me*. You didn’t love me. You loved the idea of me, you loved that someone would willingly be there for you but you couldn’t be there for me. You were the light to my darkness, but you soon became the burning to my relaxation. You don’t love me, you never did. You hurt me.

Let those hands stained with sin tear apart my fair skin. Breaking your away into my flesh that the maggots adore. Spitting out all the marrow bones that stay structured into my body. A temple begging to see potential. The heat of your immortal body fusing into mine. Let the fire set in, watch it corrode and seep its way into me. Let your blood stricken teeth be a cavity to my temple. Cut that string between us, forget whats safe. Adore the danger, admire it, worship it, crave it. You will be such a beautiful decay that I welcome without hesitation.