You say I'm strong, but I'm not. I'm a coward, I'm afraid to express my feelings because of the fall out. I'm afraid to cause confrontation, I'm afraid to hurt people and most of all I'm afraid to disappoint anyone. I do everything I can to make it better for everyone else. I smile and say "I'm fine". I keep everything bottled up because it is easier that way.
I admire the way you can speak your mind and let your feelings be known, I wish I could be more like that. I wish I could see in me what you do. I love you and I never what to hurt you and I only ever what the best things in life for you. And I always want you in mine!
I'm a little hurt however. Not really your fault though, it is mine. For loving a narcissist that can't be satisfied. I'm stupid and keep hoping that he'll look at me and say "your enough". But I know it will never happen, I'm not enough. I never was and can never be. I feel as though I'm not enough for anyone.
Maybe that's my fault too, it's always my fault right?
I don't talk enough, I don't apply myself to his interests, I don't go and see him, I put my family first. I have been blamed for everything that he has deemed "wrong". And I still love him, I still have hope even if I'm not acting on it. I'm not even sure if I can deal with being sucked back in. But it hurts to know that I am so forgettable. I hate that I feel the way I do, I hate that I can't just let shit go. I hate myself so fucking much.
I am so tired of the sinking of my heart and the way it's hard to breathe for a second when he brings you things like I don't exist, even though we were all in it together. And I know you know that feeling, you and I have been in this boat together fighting for each other. Your my favorite part of all his lies, your the best thing I'm taking to the future out of that situation.
But it still hurts, because after everything we've been through and all I have done and given him. I'm never the one he fights for.
I decided a while ago that I was done fighting.
I was okay giving up together.
I was okay with just trying to be friends.
And I don't think he wants me; not even sure he wants you. Or B or BB, Or any one person for that matter. It's convenience for a reason I guess.
I can't give him what he needs. I am trying so hard to be okay with not being apart of the picture, if that is what you want. I won't hate you. I might hate him...
And I know you have no clue what you want, or what's best for you and your son. And I'm not saying you have to have all those answers. But you do need to decide, and I know that will be the hardest thing you've ever done.
That being said, I don't want our friendship to change and I don't want to lose you in any way. I want you to continue to be open with me as I will with you. We will continue to grow together!
And I am truly sorry for not being able to say these words out loud and I am scared to death of showing you because I care so much for you. You are an amazing, beautiful person. So don't you dare think otherwise damnit. 😜
P.s still down for that first episode of friends, just saying! 💕💋
