I am the Fat Athlete.

The NFL said in a statement released today that the former MasterCard ambassador and occasional Super Bowl MVP, Peyton Manning, “freely admitted” to lip-syncing his famed snap counts during Sunday’s game against the Chargers. This, after the explosion of Tweets questioning why his snap counts were louder than Philip Rivers’, the crowd and the game’s announcers.

Looking to squash a potential scandal, the NFL took immediate action, questioning Manning’s current teammates and recent opponents – then questioning Manning himself. The investigation took less than 16 seconds. “Yeah, I did it,” said Manning. “I’m afraid I’ll re-injure my neck if I yell too hard. Plus it gives me time to work my histrionics.”

The Papa Johns spokesman confessed he pre-recorded various snap counts, which he cued up and blasted through a speaker imbedded in the “forehead” of his helmet – possibly explaining the clarity of the snap counts during the broadcast, given the proximity of the speaker to the overhead camera. It is not known if CBS’s sound engineers were in on the ruse. 

The news sparked reaction on Twitter from around the NFL:

@Pam Oliver: always wondered why he could still talk during our post game interviews

@Cam Thomas – knew something was up when I saw the touch screen under his sweatband. LOL

@Koppen – Q: how many times can u draw a D Line off on the exact same snap count? A: ask the chargers!

The NFL has stated it will not fine Peyton Manning for his transgressions, saying “It’s not against any policy we’re aware of”, though they did go on to say they have a call in to Dean Blandino to make sure no rules have been broken, then adding “what Peyton has done for this league is, well…priceless, and we need to be mindful of that throughout this process.”

During a phone interview with The Fat Athlete, Manning reassured football fans that his audibles are still off the cuff and wants to remind everyone that knowing when to use “Omaha! – snake bite! – Jose!” vs. “Omaha – Hard! Hard! – Omaha! Hut, Hut!” is the genius of his game. What’s the difference between pushing the button and yelling? The results are the same.

This one is for all you super sleuths.

Riddle me this: How did the head tube on my bike, a bike that has been protected from the elements all of its life, was nearly idle for 6 years and never in an accident, get cracked? Don't know? Yeah, neither do the folks at the Stable (bike shop) in Saginaw. Could it have happened on the plane? No. It was packed in a hard case, and there would be damage to other parts of the bike. Hmmm. Could it have...I'm out.

Riddle me this: Why won't Trek honor the lifetime frame warranty on this? Trick question. They told me I need to produce the receipt to prove the bike has had only one owner.

Riddle me this: Why can't Trek just trace the serial number? They have no answer for that. Why can't The Village Bike Shop in Chicago where the bike was purchased spit out the purchase record? Their answer? They didn't start keeping records until 2004, after my bike was purchased.

Riddle me this: Where is the receipt? In storage 2,000 miles away? In my sister's apartment in Chicago? Any psychics out there?

The RMT finale: What will Trek say when (if) I finally get a hold of them and point out that both the faulty frame and the poor record-keeping of serial numbers are on them? Care to hazard a guess? From both both customer service and liability aspects, their stance seems a little short-sighted. Or is that just my take on it?

I went to Planned Parenthood for the first time ever. I wanted to see if they have Natazia in their formulary. I was asked what I needed these birth control pills for. Thinking that the answer is sort of implied, I assumed they were asking why I needed that particular formula. So I told them. I need it to prevent extremely painful and perpetual cramping (not just once a month). Other pills don't work. It is a fairly new birth control formula. As such, drug stores have to special-order it, and it's not yet available in generic form, which means it's pretty expensive.

I was turned down flat because they only provide birth control to prevent pregnancy. What the - what? Where am I? The Vatican? (Wait. No.)Should you care AT ALL why I am requesting BC pills?

Okay, I realize your mission is to prevent unwanted pregnancies. I get that, but what was all that garbage I've heard during the ongoing American "war on women" about y'all being the primary source of health care for most women? So Rush was right. Promiscuous? We got ya covered. Painful? Unhealthy? Don't waste our time. You should not be abusing birth control this way.

And yeah, this is anecdotal. I get that too. But I'm 0 for 1, here. I mean, I've made one visit to PP and been turned away once merely for wanting BC for reasons that will benefit my overall health (by making it possible for me to keep food down. I'm so selfish) I feel a little GOPism coming on...

Meet my feet: size 8 EEEE, NO instep (big toe might actually be higher than the ankle) and chicken nuggets for toes. Well now, you didn't expect the Fat Athlete to have normal feet, did you? As with everything in life, these feet (thanks, Mom) have been both great and horrible things for me. Great, because I can't wear girlie shoes, and I LOVE girlie shoes. Seriously, if ever I seem distracted, look around for: a) a doggy; b) a tall guy with broad shoulders (don't judge); c) a pair of super cute shoes...in that order. I don't believe I go more than 2 weeks without talking to some random strange chick about her shoes. My rate of approaching the guys with the big shoulders is considerably less. If only they would wear cute shoes! Wait. ANYWAY, only fitting into flip flops and loafers from Payless has saved me a serious amount of coin and minutes in my lifetime, I estimate.

Flip side? (I mean beside the fact that my feet inspired my high school friends to coin the phrase "chicken nugget toes"?) Even the loafers and flip flops are uncomfortable. You'll never trip over my shoes at my house, cuz they're always in my car. True story. Doesn't matter how long a drive it is from wherever I am to home, it's too long to keep my shoes on for One. More. Second. My last job was an 8-minute drive from my house...on a bad day. Still, before the key was even in the ignition at the end of the workday - a day in which my shoes were likely off under my desk x number of hours - my shoes were off in the car.

It's no surprise then, that I've managed to go barefoot for a large portion of my life. My mom was rarely shod, her ownself, and believed it to be a child's rite of summer to go 3 full months sans shoe. I know well the feel of new grass, sand, mud, bike pedals, rain, and pavement on my tootsies. Later on, in college, I realized that I'm more sure-footed when barefoot. I've always attributed that to having funny feet which no athletic or hiking shoes could truly support. That argument didn't fly at the MSU IM-East, though, when I took off my shoes during an aerobics class, and since then,  I've found ways to work out without shoes. No gym membership, for instance. I do aerobics and resistance stuff at home, thank you. I do yoga and pilates - which encourage bare feet, I swim and canoe - which verily require bare feet, I bike in flip flops, and I run, in...dammit.

If you've been paying attention (all both of you) you know that I haven't been running for very long. Like 7-8 months. Loooong before that, 4 years ago, I think, I heard about my idol, Barefoot Ted, on NPR. Finally some credibility, if not social acceptance, for my shoelessness. Turns out that recent research suggests everyone is better off barefoot. (Really? That required actual research? How many years? Government grant? You shoulda just called me). I decided there and then that shoes were why I hated running and that if ever I took it up again, I would run barefoot. But, for some reason, I choked at the starting line 8 months ago.

After a few months of running, when I had built up my endurance enough to run for more than 30 minutes, I started rolling my feet, heel-toe, even while walking. Not so bueno, according to research.  Barefoot Ted tells me that ball-heel is the way to go, and that's consistent with my experience. I've walked ball-heel for-I'm-gonna-say-ever. So I figured I'd better nip this heel-toe crap in the bud. I don't want to get deeper into this unnatural form than I already am, especially now that I'm training for an Olympic distance tri. I mean, intensive heel-toeness during training will do who-knows-what to my form and longevity, and another thing...shoes hurt my knees...yeah FA, remember when your knees hurt during aerobics, but when you took off your shoes, they didn't...and whine my feet are ho-ot, and I'm not getting any younger...shoes off...shoes off...(and the oscar goes to...)

My attempt to fool the universe has failed. Coupla weeks after applying my registration fee for the Shamrock Triathlon to the Spring Blast Triathlon (inclement weather during Shamrock Tri), I found out I have to move. My landlords sold the place, and the new owner wants to "take occupancy", which a landlord friend of mine says is code for "wants to raise the rent". In LA county, you can raise the rent on existing tenants only so much, so if you want to raise it more than that - you have to get rid of the existing tenants. They gave us 30 days. Legal, but shady. Guess when the move weekend is? Thaaaat's right, same weekend as the Spring Blast Tri. How did the Universe know? I didn't tell anyone. Must've tapped into my email with the race organizers. Anyway, I've been scrambling to find a place, sell all my patio/garden stuff (moving to a much smaller place) and pack by the end of this month. Training has suffered a little, but not too much. Canoeing has suffered a lot, as has my diet. Selling the fridge and stove, so, you know, storing/preparing fresh veggies, not so much.

I guess I might just as well "out" myself, since keeping secrets doesn't seem to help - the new race date is May 20. Same exact course. Turns out the organizers run this race pretty much monthly all year as a practice tri for the "big" ones. The upside - the water should be warm enough that I won't need a wetsuit, though it's probably polluted enough that I might still want one. Hmmmm. Yeah, and I'm scared of jellyfish. Okay. Wetsuit is back in.