Farzi Engineering Jokes

1. Whenever I Find The Key To Success, Someone Changes The Lock.

2. The Road To Success Is Always... Under Construction....

3. In Order To Get A Loan, You First Need To Prove That You Don't Need It.

4. All The Desirable Things In Life Are Either Illegal, Expensive Or Married.

5. Once You Have Bought Something, You Will Find The Same Item Being Sold Somewhere Else At A Cheaper Rate.

God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he yanked up to Heaven three influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.

"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news" he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a god. The bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

Yeltsin in Russia announced to Parliament: "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a god after all. The worse news is God's really mad and is going to end the world in a week."

Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking with St Peter. St Peter says, “Bill, you’ve done some wonderful things in your life and have earned the right to choose where you’ll spend the rest of eternity. You can choose between Heaven or Hell, but choose wisely.”

Bill looks over St Peter’s shoulder between the pearly gates and sees nothing but a lush green meadow. Deciding to heed St Peter’s words, Bill asks if he could take a look at Hell. St Peter agrees and sends Bill to Hell.

The Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he is immediately taken aback. Much to his surprise, there’s one heck of a party going on. People are dancing, the alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop and everyone is having a blast.

Bill returns to Heaven to again discuss his decision with St Peter. He again looks over St Peter’s shoulder and sees only a lush green meadow. Bill says to St Peter, “I’ve put a lot of thought into this decision and it may sound foolish, but I’d like to spend the rest of eternity in Hell.” St Peter fulfills Bill’s request and returns him to Hell.

When Bill gets back to Hell there’s been a big change. People are writhing in agony, flames are burning, moans of pain and despair are everywhere. Bill, being quite shocked at the sight asks the Devil, “What happened?? I was just down here a little while ago and everyone was having a great time!”

A sultan was getting a bit cheesed off as he had six children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the sultan took him to one side and said, “Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like an aeroplane.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.

Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like a boat.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries.

Just before his son’s eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like something to watch films on.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite cowboy movies.

Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

A pilot was utterly lost and decided to fly down through the clouds and try to figure out where he was.

When he finally got close to earth he saw miles and miles of fields, all looking exactly the same, except for one that had a man standing in the middle of it staring into the air.

The pilot decided to fly close to the man and ask him for directions. When the pilot came close enough to the man he shouted “Where am I?” the man in the field shouted back: “You are in a plane”

The pilot took another circle and shouted back “You must be an IT consultant”

Man in the field: “Why… Yes I am, how did you know”

Pilot: “While your answer is technically correct it doesn’t tell me anything I don’t already know”

Man in field: “You must be a business man”

Pilot: “Why… Yes I am, how did you know”

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

An engineer was sitting on a park bench having lunch. He was minding his own business, when suddenly a beautiful woman comes riding by on a bike. She sees the engineer on the bench and instantly knows this is the love of her life.

To be sure she gets his attention she smiles, takes off all of her clothes and tells the engineer in a very seductive way, “Take what you want.”

When a programmer goes to bed he sets out 2 glasses on his bedside table:

One glass is full of water, in case he wants to get a drink

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Devil up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Devil laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have been sent down there. Send him up here."

Devil shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

A young engineer was leaving the office at 6pm when he found his boss standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said his boss, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

There are three engineers in a car going for a drive. The first is a mechanical engineer, the second an electronics engineer and the third is a software engineer.

Fortunately, the mechanical engineer is driving because the brakes fail as they are going downhill. The mechanical engineer eventually brings the car safely to a halt and gets out to examine the hydraulic systems.

The electronics engineer gets out and checks the body computer, ABS system and the power train CAN bus.

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."

The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

They were silent for a moment.

A mine in a small town had completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local bar. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

"Hey bartender" said the engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's an Outsider and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in? Well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me just look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender sceptically served the Outsider his beer and then came back to talk to the engineer, "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"

Once upon a time there were three men: a doctor, a city planner, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"

"Head up," said the doctor.

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.

Then the city planner was led up to the guillotine.

"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.

"Head up."

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the planner's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the planner was set free.

Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.

"Head up or head down?"

"Head up."

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:

Although locked in fierce competition for what seems like forever, God and the Devil meet once every week for coffee just to catch up with each other. One week they're in heaven and the next they're in hell.

When it was God's turn to host last week, the Devil was whistling a happy tune as he walked through the gates and wore a huge smile as he plopped down in the golden chair.

As he poured a cup, God said, "You look pretty pleased with yourself." "Yeah," said the Devil, "Things are really looking up since I got that engineer last week. He's put in escalators and flush toilets, and he even found a way to control the heat in those old furnaces. I've been meaning to thank you for turning him away up here."

God looked stunned, and almost spilled coffee into the saucer. "You know that you're not supposed to get any engineers," God said. "Peter was breaking in some new help at the gates last week, and they must have made a mistake. Just send him back up and we'll straighten it out."

But the Devil just chuckled and said, "No. I think I'll keep him. He was talking about looking into better ventilation this week. I can see why you keep them all for yourself." "Send him back," demanded God "No," smirked the Devil.