Fox the Polyamorous Polargonium

What if big foot/ sasquatch/ yetis are solitary marsupials which is why you never see like a baby one?

The young would be small and pink and then tucked away for a long time in a protective pouch.

Marsupials are almost all nocturnal which makes sense why the creatures only move about at night.

Today I'm sad.

My skin is mad

My heart has slipped from my sleeve to my cuff, only so long before it falls to the floor .

My brain has dashed through the door

I don't want condolences or pity

I don't aim for accolades or to be witty

Today the weather has matched my soul

Cold, still, just on the verge of breaking into something more

My soul is downtrodden, my spirit sore

Today I am Sad

Hello followers that are probably just porn bots.

Let me shed some light onto my latest frustration...

I'm sure you are all aware how difficult it is to find some one of a certain caliber to fit with yourself. And when you find said some one the blow it delivers when it crashes...

This is my venting unedited .

I thought I found my "unicorn" of a dominant.

Kind, patient, experienced, educated...

Turns out I reached too high above myself.

I am a dime a thousand. And with my own list of reds vs greens I turned out to be a full stop for my gentleman.

To have so much invested... I let myself leap. At least I now know how to tuck and roll.

I'm bruised, maybe cracked but not broken.

Like so much of art there are revisions to be made. Perhaps this is my own scribbled attempt at something worthwhile. But in reality.. I'm just a doodle in the corner of a long forgotten book. A picture never fully realized by an artist who's lost interest.

"Let's be raw that where the beauty lies"

All I learned from that is things so beautiful are lies. And rawness leaves you bare and stripped.

Well I only made it to dinner of the 6th day.

Finally buckled under emotion and laziness and got pizza.

I wont be fully going back to bad habits though I'm going to strive to keep most of my meals healthy. Things like this will still be on my menu.

The thing to remember is progress over perfection. Even if it's one meal at a time.

Breakfast- Organic Banana, Cherry Tomatoes, Purple seedless grapes

Lunch- Previous Night left overs no official recipe name, Right now I'm calling it yumminess, another banana, and a bottle of water

Snack- Organic Green Apple

Dinner- Same recipe as yesterday added an orange bell pepper and avocado as a garnish

I know the health benefits but when you are hungry and sad it's hard to stay focused.

Breakfast- 5oz Sunflower Seeds, Organic Banana, & Bottle of water

Lunch- 2 small Superfood salads, Organic Banana, & Bottle of water

Snack- 15 purple seedless grapes & 6 cherry tomatoes

Dinner- H&A free chicken, red bell pepper, lime juice &...

Breakfast- Organic Banana & 3oz Roasted Unsalted sunflower seeds

Lunch- Large Superfood Salad from chik fil a (minus the cherries and nuts) & Organic Banana

Snack- More sunflower seeds and an organic green apple

Dinner- Pan cooked Bell Pepper,Onion, and Hormone and Antibiotic free chicken breast

Seasoning- Black pepper. Red pepper flakes, chili powder, lime juice, fresh minced garlic, avocado oil,sea salt and just a splash of jalapeño juice

The point of the liver cleanse is to give your system a break from all the day to day toxins we ingest so it can deal 2ith the backlog that's been sitting there.

My Doctor suggested I do this cleanse for 10 days.

Yesterday was day 1.

Breakfast- Arbonne Vegan Protein powder, rice milks, frozen strawberries and banana.

Lunch- Chik fil A Superfood Side, 15 purple seedless grapes, and 5 cherry tomatoes with water.

Snack- 1 medium organic green apple

Dinner- Tortillas- less homemade fajitas

Made with organic hormone and antibiotic free chicken

I miss sugar but I'll live.

9 days to go!

Love & Stufft

My resolutions are as follows

Lose 50 lbs of fat

Try saying yes before immediately shutting something down

And do something That is new and/ or scares me every month.

Yesterday was my 1 year anniversary with Fal. I had suggested we take our shared day off and spend it mostly at home. He wanted us to go out. So, we celebrated this accomplishment by going to an aquarium for the day. I was able to, for the first time in my life, to pet sting rays. It was thrilling. So January, is already accomplished. It feels great.

My stats are 5'6" tall, overall I weigh 217.8 lbs, and 98.5lbs of that is fat.

I will make it another goal to catalog at least once a month my progress.

Let's make this a fantastic year

Love and Stuff

~ Fox

This rainy weather has me itching to write, so i shall.

I am in the process of being divorced.

Divorce is so sad , it is like the death of a relationship.

But boy, let me tell you do I feel so much better knowing it is almost over.

It has taken me weeks of being with Fal ( the boyfriend I have had since New Years and had been dating my husband as well), weeks of just he and I to establish a new rhythm, to heal from my husband's actions and to truly enjoy the quiet. Weeks have been used and spent for me to realize I was not in a healthy relationship for the past few years.

Let me start by saying my husband never hit me, and he truly tried to treat me as an equal. My husband never hit me but he would hit walls. He didn't appear to try to break me but he did break our doors.

   I wasn't ever quite happy in my marriage. I had assumed it was due to my depression that had plagued me more than half my life. I assumed the despair that creeped in the Windows and anxiety that snuck through cracked doors were simply to be my companions and my lot in life.

Perhaps I had set the wrong precedent at the beginning. When Beo and I first moved in together I was rather submissive. Throughout my previous dating experiences I stuck to the Beta male type. The kind that would be happy with me taking charge and would stick to their jobs throughout life but would not necessarily be corporate ladder climbers either. In other words dependable right hand men, that more often than not were passive. Comfortable. Safe.

So when I began with Beo, an all alpha male, I didn't know where to be placed and decided to do the survival instinct and defer to the leader.

 Slowly bit by bit I learned where I could sass and be opinionated. For many of those days we had fun bantering back and forth. He'd shown some possessive tendencies and it felt nice to be so protected, cherished. He had always insisted even when we expanded our relationship to share it with other that I was to be treated delicately and I was his gem, his treasure.

It wasn't until hindsight kicked in and I was comparing my life to before the break and after. With Fal I began learning what it was like to be someone's treasure rather than hoard.

On the occasions I had a different opion than him we would discuss it like a debate. I felt we were so much more mature than our counterparts.

But eventually we realized that we rarely agreed on issues that were more than basics. Our interests didn't align, our aspirations and even theologies clashed.

I wanted to expand my life and self awareness. I called my previous submissive self, "Mouse Spouse", someone I never wanted to become again. During my "mouse spouse" time I was at an all time low and was heavily considering suicide on a daily basis.

After a particularly difficult argument he had thrown out that he wished that we could go back to how I was at the beginning of our marriage, ie mouse spouse.

I reminded him what that had meant but he insisted it would be better because at least then I was agreeable. I considered it. Shutting myself down to not cause conflict but then I brought out the argument that with the meek came the QUIET. The QUIET was the lack of stimulus, he'd lose that banter and having a second in command to bounce things off of... Ah the debate finally settled. But the fact he wanted that still stung.

This isn't my story of being a  victim. Or being miserable.  Fuck this isn't even my story in any sort of completion. But... I needed to write some of this. Whether as a sign of red flags or just to share to the void my frustrations. Maybe I am still coming to peace that it's over and for the better.

On the surface we learned to deal with each others idiosyncrasies and senses of humor. We built inside jokes and a life together built upon what appeared to be mutual respect. He charmed any child around him and would stare down a bear if it meant protecting me.

We laughed, we would go on long drives, he'd carry me to bed in his magnificently strong arms and dance in the kitchen.

 This tale is just how behind every beautiful tapestry there can be a complete mess. I didn't look too closely until I pulled the plug.

The blemishes were there. Taking little bits along the way.

Dear God did it hurt when my car became my safe space from the yelling and passive aggressive remarks.

Fuck did it suck when I would lay in an empty bed all night because he wasn't tired till 5am.

But I think what stole away the last of my trust was when he got so drunk with friends that after they had gone he turned surly. That when I couldn't take the spewed insults in my face any longer that I went inside. He broke our door because he was so drunk he thought I had locked him out. He didn't hit me, but dammit he broke ANOTHER door so I slapped him. I had hoped it would knock him from his stupor. I don't know what occurred next but then he was above me and we were across the kitchen on the floor.

He has no memory of that night. Not of that incident that made me avoid the kitchen for months after that as much as possible or the remainder of the night where he eventually disappeared into the night and I went looking for him.

Looking back I believe I should have ended it there. But his remorse afterwards was so genuine and it wasn't like he had hit me, not really. He quit drinking after one more similar incident. We went to the marriage counselor that couldn't find anything necessarily "wrong" with us, he tried, I tried. It wasn't enough.

His betrayal happened on Easter morning, and for several ways I probably would have let it slide if it hadn't hurt others as well.

So I think maybe that was my little miracle. I stood in that kitchen and asked for a divorce.

I still live in that house and will continue to do so until the divorce has finalized. He was not a bad man. I will always love him but we were toxic.... 

But now, with writing, friends, family, and Fal's unwavering support everyone around me has noticed that I am happier. I don't believe I'll ever leave depression behind but having these positives in my life and the negative weight gone I actually feel like I can breathe.

10 Easy Traveling Tips from someone who isn't super "travel-y"

   I recently went to Seattle with my mother for my birthday. I did well with it, however a large part of it went so well because my mother is quite adept in the world of travel. I wanted to make this post for those like me that maybe take a trip once a year, usually prefer the comforts of home but do have a few places they want to see before they cannot anymore. My sister and my mother both have that wanderlust in them. Both have been to parts of the world I have zero desire to see beyond the confines of my recliner. They are explorers and have a zeal for experiences.

   Despite their pushing and influence I did not get bitten by the travel bug. Sure I would like to visit some of the easier, more romanticized locations but that is the extent. You see, dear reader I am what is called a home body. I love my nest it has all I need; the foods I know I will eat, my significant others, my fur babies, etc. So here are some easy travel tips from one couch potato to another.

-Print out vouchers and boarding passes and keep them all in a document envelope

-Have a number and address to all your destinations printed out as well and stored along with your documents. ( My mother even goes as far as to have them programmed into her phone for the duration of the trip, but the printouts help if you phone dies- this did in fact happen so we had to use my phone.)

-Download the Uber and-or Lyft app before ever leaving.

-Take about 50$ with you in 1's and 5's for tipping - ->in countries or places that tipping is custom of course

-If you can swing it avoid checking a bag - it's costly and an extra hassle in the already confusing airport

-Always check with your airline to be sure on dimensions for said carry on and to be sure there are no extra charges associated with the baggage. Spirit airlines for an example is known for their bare minimum service that come along with their bare minimum cost. Spirit DOES charge for carry on so knowing that before hand and paying before hand is the smart way to go.

-If you can handle the weight, leave the rolling suit case at home. when navigating crowds, trains and planes it so much easier to just sling a backpack on your shoulders and trudge on ward.

-As someone who is both a picky eater and has several food allergies, carrying along simple snacks was a life saver on my most recent trip.

-If you are going to a touristy location look into riding tours. There are probably multiple hot spots you are wanting to tick off your trip.  A riding tour usually covers most if not all those places. It takes a load of stress off to just sit back and let the professionals get you there. Some allow you to leave the transport for a time of exploration. Just be sure to actually read the descriptions before booking. Many times these tours will be set up as a package deal so when there is something you are going to be attending they will have vouchers for you.

-Lastly, social media posting. Try to keep this to a minimum while out and about. Wait till you've returned to your hotel/ lodging to where you have reliable power and usually wifi. I like to post the next morning so I am sure to have EVERYTHING from the previous day. But posting daily acts as a back up of priceless photos just in case something were to happen to your device.

The point of travel more often than not is to experience the new. That is hard to do when we are back to being plugged into our mobile devices.

So there you have it.

Hope this helps on your adventures!

So, great news for me due to my mom's persistence and amazing love she found a Doctor to put in my Nexplanon and have my insurance cover it. My normal obgyn's office would have had me purchase it for 1000$ out of pocket. (Just her office policy, she doesn't make the rules) But seriously as many twenty somethings I do NOT have 1k to drop on anything.

Anyway! I had it put in Today! Virtually painless and I was able to get it without cost directly to me.

Next on it being an Excellent day tonight I have a birthday surprise for my boyfriend Fal. It's something I've been working on for weeks!

And lastly on its an Excellent day ...Oh. Funny thing.

Looking over my calendar ...My dad's retirement party is the same day as the flogging 101 class...

But on my screen I see

"Dad' Retirement

Flogging "

The Pride Parade was really fun. There were a lot more people than I was expecting . Well, perhaps not the amount was shocking it was how crammed we all were in each other's space.

It was a test to my anxiety and asthma with all the smoke. I survived obviously. I do plan to go back next year, perhaps with a bandana for my face and some anti allergen pills.

But I can say positively my clothing and makeup were fitting for the occassion.

Oh my goodness I get to attend the pride parade in Houston this year! I'm so excited. I don't know what to expect but I am so incredibly eager for this experience!

This has been one of those things I've wanted to experience since I knew about it .

I don't have to worry about not posting pictures of it on my Facebook either now that I'm out to all my parents. Eek!

The only thing that puts a damper on this is the t shirt I ordered from Amazon that was meant to arrive Wednesday has still not arrived.

*Fingers Crossed* that it will be there when I get off from work.

Yesterday I cleaned while a storm raged on. Not just like a few items here and there but hands and knees scrubbed. With the help of an ex and good friend Demo I was able to complete numerous tasks. Cleaning tends to help center me, just like the rain balances the world.

My life isn't overly thrilling,but it is constantly evolving. Demo and I have known each other for.... 7 years? I will always appreciate his steadfast friendship and continuing support. Yesterday I realized how much I had missed the more in depth intimacy I had once allowed myself turn away from... So, yesterday we cleaned together with moments of dialogue, or lingering touches but mostly both intent on our tasks. Then we cooked together when Fal came home. The two of them like each other well enough but we seemed to delve deeper into bonding last night over stew and Dr. Who.

There was no jealousy when I traded kisses or whispered praises to either of them, no posturing or guilt trip ladden looks. It was poly domestic bliss.