it's like forgetting

Sit in the yard while the day dies

"You didn't expect me to," Levente repeated, a hollow laugh following the sentence. "Even when you hurt me, it's calculated." He felt even worse now. The only way she could have been more direct, would have been to tell him in plain words that she picked the Frenchman. The ties she was severing were worth less than a life with him. "You cannot possibly know that!" His voice was too loud. He fixed his posture and quickly checked if anyone had turned their head in their direction. Fortunately, his outburst remained unnoticed. "I value this family," he told her, an index finger tapping harshly against the table. "My dedication doesn't have conditions like yours clearly does. This feels like a rebellion. This looks like you're lashing out because we don't worship you anymore." And she only had herself to blame for that. No one, absolutely no one, had forced her to burn bridges. "You can't erase Budapest. It won't just disappear because you chose to leave. It will not cease to be your home even when you redecorate yourself with blue, white and red." He would not change his mind about it. It frustrated him that, in a moment of weakness, she was throwing her old life away. He swore they wouldn't be in this situation if some other charming idiot had walked into her life just some months ago. Arnauld d'Orléans would have faded into a memory. Budapest would have been as perfect as it always had been. "He's just one person. He is not the same as us. He is not everything."

He valued his idea of their family. That version of them did not exist anymore. The blind dedication Fanni had had had been lost. Some of her sacrifices had cost too much. It was impossible to exist in a space where Levente and his short sightedness dominated everything and everyone. She looked down at her hands, it clearly didn't matter that she had prepared herself for this coldness. It made her ache all the same. Time had helped her to put her thoughts into order. With time had come the realization that some acknowledgment of her efforts would have helped her to keep her bitterness from filling each and every cell in her body. He was too dear for her to resent him but her will to resist the negative emotions that surrounded Levente was not strong enough. "I can't stay." It was the truth at its barest form. "If I stay, I think I'll stop existing." Levente was, at a fast pace, becoming the center of Budapest. Each and every task their father delegated over to him just shifted the scales in his direction. "He makes me happy. I know that sounds cliché but it's true." She didn't like having to explain herself but if this was the last chance, she had to bite the bullet. "I love you. You are my family and without all of you, I wouldn't be anything or anywhere." She reached over and placed her hand over his. Her eyes searched for his, she wanted him to look at her. Look at her and hear her. She wouldn't allow him to brush her off just because he was upset. "I need these changes in my life. He is one of the few things that make sense. And he's mine. I'll have something of my own. I can build something myself. I can't keep living the life that made me feel like I am just performing for you. I don't want to let go of the things I want and the things that make me happy just to keep you pleased. You already resented me. Choosing him has only given you a justified reason to." Ah! She hadn't meant to let her eyes wet. She had wanted to stand her ground but in that meek way that could be considered an olive branch once the initial harsh feelings died down. Not like this. "We only get one chance and one life, and I felt like I was letting mine go to waste. I had control over nothing, and I could only think of what I had given up. So let me feel happy over this without shame and guilt." Even when she was attempting to assert her autonomy, she found herself asking for a permission. Some things just wouldn't change.

And drag you back down

"Ines is a good mother," he replied stiffly. The day had been a collection of great disappointments. He had wanted some insane person to stand up and stop the ceremony — no one had. He had wanted her to change her mind last minute and not show up — but she had. He had wanted to be even a little bit happy for her — but he had failed at it miserably. "She doesn't despise me so much these days." His eyes remained on Fanni for a thoughtful while. How had she ended up like this? Why had she even come to talk to him? He could only sour her otherwise pleasant evening. He wouldn't be able to keep the venom off his tongue. He was predictable in that way and she knew him better than most people. "I'm not going to congratulate you." He managed to keep his voice neutral. As if he was describing the weather and now grating his own heart. "You knew I was not going to forgive you for this." He hoped she could read between the lines and hear his question: so how could you?

"I don't doubt that. Ines seems natural." She smiled sadly at her brother, the lines on his face more prominent than ever. Most likely from frowning all day. "People forgive. Given enough time. Kind people do, at least." Of course Ines had warmed up. She didn't know for sure if the words applied to her brother though. Levente's pride was made of steel and Fanni had landed quite a few hits on it. Fanni would not be as lucky. "I didn't expect you to," Fanni admitted with a shake of her head. Irony decorated her face. Congratulations would have seemed mocking anyways, it was alright. Her index finger played with the edge of her lacy sleeve and she considered his words for a moment. The wound that had been caused by the problems surrounding Katya was infected. It was rotting and Fanni could only think of one way to fix it: she needed to cut off the limb. She had prepared for it all summer. A clean cut. It felt right. "I took it, this, into consideration when I made my decision. I really did." Did that make her better or worse a sister? "But I think... it's more consideration than you would have spared me if our roles had been reversed." Her voice was soft, weak, and it lacked an edge. Fanni could have sounded bitter or argumentative. Mostly she just felt disappointed. It had been a disheartening realization. She knew there was a chance she had let herself dive so deep into self pity that her view on everyone was warped but Levente was not known for a considerate personality. "There's nothing left for me in Budapest. This is what I want, and I think I'll be happy. Hopefully, you'll accept it eventually."

" WELL ? does it feel like you imagined it would ? " isabela had known that if she just stayed up late enough, she'd be able to catch a moment with the bride. she really hadn't expected it to take SO long though. her patience had nearly ran out. " i thought you promised to go to another direction. i was waiting for the headlines linking you to different women. almost prepared a statement if someone called me ! i'm DEVASTATED that you robbed me a moment in the spotlight ! " [ &&. @fannicroy ]

It was a nice opening line. The sort that Isabela used to hook her target. Fanni fell for it as per normal, an answer on the tip of her tongue, a narcissistic desire to talk about herself, but Isabela produced speech quicker than Fanni ever could. A disapproving smile settled onto her face, and despite knowing that she could trust the Spaniard, her heartbeat quickened because the statement was too alike a threat. "I think back then I needed to..." It had not been that long time ago, if she wanted, she could still tap into the desperation and self-loathing that had been present around that time. "It would have been a cause. Critically thinking, I don't think I would have been able to hold my head up high through it. It would have been a disservice to everyone." Had she gone through her promise, things would have gone very differently. It was hard to even imagine where she'd be. "I think I wanted to feel honest too."

" thank you, " he said softly. his eyes dropped to follow her hands at work. " i wanted to know. " now he could, with a clear conscience, say that it was not on him. he was not the person responsible for her. he was not the reason if something terrible happened. he was not the only one who had tried to help. his gaze paused on the dessert. of course it was dessert — that was not surprising. the choice for the dessert was. it didn't feel coincidental. what are you telling me ? the question was on his tongue but she spoke up first. her inability to form a coherent sentence made him feel like he was being tortured. she was extending the excruciating period of not knowing what was coming next. the firmness of her gaze was captivating. his eyes measured her. her earnest expression left no room for wrong interpretations. " for those two months, yes. yes, i would, fanni. " the words were out before he truly had time to consider what he was promising. it was foolish and reckless, and he knew painfully well that not a single cell in him would have been able to deny her request. sensibility found itself being discarded. two months or immediately, two months or two years ago, time did not matter. " i love you. i do not think i could pretend otherwise. " she had seen him beg. she had been given so many excuses by him. he was beyond pretending. when it came to her, his pride had already been lost. " you just have to promise me i am not waiting for nothing. fanni, you have to be sure. you have to be sure. the past cannot be repeated. if you ask me to wait, you have to be sure. "

Elated, she reached across the table. Her hand cupped the side of his face. He felt warm. He felt solid. He felt certain. "I'm- I'm sorry. I'm sorry I took so long." She should have stopped running after the scraps her family had spared her. There had been no space for her. The feeling temporality would have not disappeared. The Hungarian court would have eventually been too small for her. There had been nothing to build. She could have tried to force it but not even Fanni would have been able to make a circle and a square fit together. Why had she been so hell bent on running away from him? "I am sure. I am absolutely sure." And she would go to great lengths to prove it if he asked her to. "I have thought this through." Could he not hear it in her shaky voice? Could he not see it in her watery eyes? Could he not feel it in her gentle touch? "I want to love you. I want to do it correctly and honorably. I don't want to spend my time wondering what it could have been like. I want to know. I want to have this with you. I want a life with you in it."

the words flowed past her lips and hung heavy between the two of them. arnauld found himself frozen in place. " this was your decision ? " he would not let himself feel relief until he knew an ultimatum hadn't been given to her by the croÿs. " who will know about it ? "

"But you know about it now. I wanted you to." Her impatience got the best of her and she reached for the box, taking the top box off. The slice of apple pie looked far from appetizing, having moved around in the box. "I- well-" Anxiousness was making her choke on her words. "I wanted to know if you'd... if you might — if I'm just not too late — if you might still be here. If you might wait for those two months. Just those two months." Her eyes wanted to stray from him but she wanted there to be no question about her certainty. She didn't believe in much anymore, but she could believe in their chances. "If you still think you could love me, if you'd still allow me back, would you wait for those two months?"

the shuffling of his security guards on the front lawn made him look up from his book. a faint smile spread onto his face. he had thought she had chosen to skip over meeting him on her visit, but no ! there she was. quieter than usual, more careful than he was used to her. " hello. " he almost made it sound like a question: why are you here like this ? are you happy to be here ? will you tell me something i don't wish to hear ? the moment of silence between grew longer and he became more worried by every second. guessing the cause for the odd behaviour was not worth the effort. she'd eventually part her lips and tell him. eventually they'd stop meeting like this. this was just a phase, a glimpse into what could have been. it was a gross theft and one he should have been ashamed of. he was too old to be holding onto scraps... but it seemed it was unlikely he'd have to make the decision. " yes. "

"Oh." The only surprising part was his honesty. He wasn't jumping to defend himself and his decision. "Ines wasn't the smart choice." She was the comfortable choice for him, but she was by no means the smart nor the best choice. What did Fanni care about Ines's opinion or hypothetical worry? "I never gave you the permission to care." Her voice was low and tired, as if they had been fighting about the subject for hours — in a way, the tugging had lasted for a year. His adamant stance on the issue was respectable in a sense. She would have appreciated it more and she would have been able to see the affection behind the action clearly, had it not been another case of him testing what she'd allow. She felt unable to feel angry at him. The unexpectedness of it all and the knowledge that he was right made it impossible to blow up. She slid the box closer to his side of the table before setting her hands in her lap, tightly kept in place by her knees. "There's too much shame around it. I can't talk about with her. Any of them." She wasn't sure what was left of the image her family had had of her but with this the last remains would disappear. It seemed like too big a goodbye. "And a year ago I thought going home would help. I'd care less. I'd need it less. I'd have enough going on to be too busy to miss it." She looked at him and wrinkled her nose. "Too optimistic." There had been logic behind it. She would have been able to prove him wrong if things had simply fallen into place in Budapest. She would have been able to say she did not have a problem. "I'm admitting myself for two months."

" happy new year ! " she tries for the same energy but it is far too late in the night and fanni is far too chipper for ines to replicate. extremely chipper ! and her cheek is abnormally hot. a side effect of alcohol... or something stronger ? arnauld had been sure to emphasise just how regularly fanni would indulge herself – and the new year was as special an occasion as any. but was a favour for arnauld worth the risk of sacrificing her escape from the party ? definitely not. " please. my feet are so sore and my back feels like it's seconds from breaking. "

She was careful walking across the snowy courtyard to the car. The ice and the heels did not make a good combination. "Sometimes, and this is only sometimes, I wished they had something else that an orchestra. What happened to bands and DJs? The music is always the same, it¨s a shame." She slipped into the car and maneuvered herself to the other side of the bench to leave room for Ines. "I may have become a negative person as well. Parties tire me these days. I don't know where I used to find the energy to dance the night away."

"We're not fighting. We're ignoring each other." Deciding Fanni did not exist had vacated much space in his head. Space that his more pressing problems had taken over in an instant. "I know but it's something she has to live with. We can't all act recklessly."

"Oh, I see, hm." She frowned softly. Irritation was an improvement to anger, but it was no victory. "So I take it you're not really open to being civil?" She really should have drunk more. Maybe then she would have been more confident and wittier. She wanted to say something sharp and harsh. Prick a needle into him and show him how ridiculously juvenile his anger was. It was disgusting honestly. Tiring and disgusting but not surprising in the least. She should have expected this kind of behaviour. Levente would only come around when he would find himself in a position where only Fanni could or would help him. "And you've done your fair share of it already, I understand. Give Ines my best if I don't see her before you do."