meow

In the back of my mind it was too good to be true

That's why I still have the accounts, their numbers and the doubt that never left

No matter how delusionally positive i tried being

I knew it would end and the cycle would start over

You tried your best to be different but in the end you were the same as all of them.

My heart is broken and the cycle repeats.

Back to asking for their favorite colour.

They started out wrapped, bundled and closed

then after a little TLC they bloomed beautifully, 

opened and showed their full faces,

now they've been abandoned. 

The water is stagnant, the sugar fermented and the core rotting

there's no way to save them.

So I don't say it

I show it

By vlogging good morning messages

By instinctually waking up when you're on your way home

By soothing your anxieties and fears

By making you laugh and bringing out that devilishly handsome smile of yours

The weight of what goes unsaid

Sits on my chest and makes it hard to breathe

So I make breathing easier in every way I can.

By showing up for you even when its hard to show up for myself

By taking care of myself a little better to ensure I am my best version the next time I see you

By shifting my mindset about the world

By subconsciously fucking dying my hair to look like your favorite animal

By unpacking every single thing I'm scared about in therapy so I don't fuck this up.

I cannot promise eternity but I can promise now. And right now the words being left unsaid show up between the lines, in my actions, in every message, and every look.

I put what I don't say behind every kiss so you can feel the intensity of my feelings without having to hear it.

Sometimes I'm scared to make eye contact because I'm afraid of blurting it out and not being able to back it up.

As much as I want to protect myself I would rather sit naked on a hot grill than be the reason you're sad or hurt or uncomfortable.

We don't know what tomorrow holds but for now I'll hold you like my life depends on it. For now, I'll be yours and claim you as mine. For now, I'll speak about my feelings even though it feels unnatural. For now, I'll share the hardships so you can help carry the weight. For now, I will accept your love and learn to love myself even just a fraction of the amount I know you love me.

But my colorful petals intimidated you

So instead of watering me

It's not that deep - she won't be your last kiss

It's not that deep - you'll get flowers again

It's not that deep - you weren't dating that long

It's not that deep - you barely knew her

But it hurts.

No one will ever be her.

No one will kiss me the way she does.

I'll always remember that she gave me my first bouquet of flowers

No one will understand the joy the relationship brought me

No one will ever experience the me that she knew

But you mistook me for a seamstress