Will I Ever Make A Sound?

Queer History. The other morning I got into a ‘debate’ over the film Stonewall and one person said he didn’t care about the history of the Stonewall Riots or our queer history in general. Honestly, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. This person didn’t seem to care that the only reason he (we) has any rights or can even happily come out without the fear of being arrested is because of events like the Stonewall Riots and the people that fought. Yet he enjoys the benefits of it (work equality, marriage, anti-discrimination laws, oh and being able to go to a gay bar and drink/dance the night away). So I wanted to put together a small overview of the riots in the hopes it enlightens anyone or gives someone the nudge to learn more. (If anything is incorrect just leave me a comment, I’m by no means an expert in this). Enjoy. 🏳️‍🌈✌️👭👬

this year’s tony season:

Simon Spier ft. Bram Greenfeld (Love, Simon) + Waving Through a Window (Dear Evan Hansen)

(This is a rewrite of an old post! The old one was spread over a series of reblogs, so I thought I’d just consolidate it all in one place.)

tw: multiple suicide mentions.

“For Forever” is a really messed up title for a song that’s actually about a suicide attempt.

From the haunting opening chords to the deceptively simple lyrics, I’ve always thought there was something eerie and unsettling about the song. I slowly began to understand why when I realized the two meanings nestled of the title. Perhaps “For Forever” isn’t just Evan’s flight of fantasy. I’d like to suggest that it is actually a rather accurate–though metaphorical–description of Evan’s suicide attempt.

As we find out later in the show, the early summer day Evan is describing is actually the day he attempted suicide. And just beneath the surface, the song continually acknowledges that fact. 

Let’s start by taking a look at this brilliant Genius annotation by AmityRavenclawElf: 

“All we see is sky for forever

We let the world pass by for forever

Feels like we could go on for forever this way”

In many ways, Dear Evan Hansen is a play about duality. The axis of the story is the juxtaposition of Evan and Connor. As AmityRavenclawElf’s annotation reveals, the language of “For Forever” works in a similar mode of duality.

The key words in the song are terribly ambivalent: they are each so full of beauty and life, but also so close to death. Each ostensibly positive word also contains its opposite, just as “go on” contains the echo of “die.” 

Let’s look more closely at the language. 

“All we see is light”

“Wondering how the world might look from up so high”

Gorgeous, thrilling language–but isn’t the language of light and watching from on high also idiomatic of death?

From far across the yellow field I hear him calling, “Follow me”

Isn’t yellow a strange color choice? I don’t intuitively think of fields as being yellow. But it’s an incredible descriptor because yellow evokes sunlight (and thus life), but it also indicates sickness and decay. 

And in the art history world, the image of the yellow field is almost always a reference to Van Gogh’s painting Wheatfield with Crows, which is often cited to be his last painting before he purportedly committed suicide. It is also often pictured as the site where his suicide took place.

Let’s go back to the broader meaning of the line. Evan is imagining Connor calling him from faraway, from the other side. Evan is picturing someone who committed suicide beckoning him to follow in their footsteps. 

Evan is imagining someone who committed suicide leading him up the tree where he makes his own attempt.

No wonder the song feels so unsettling. The song itself is literally unsettled, constantly wobbling between two radically different meanings.

And just as the song holds the deepest sadness imaginable, it also holds such life. 

Though “You Will Be Found” is the musical’s “anthem,” “For Forever” is the motif that keeps coming back–it’s the finale, after all! But it’s a little different at the end. 

“All I see is sky for forever”

Referencing Genius again:

This signals to us that the meaning of this song has been subverted. Its duality has resolved itself and settled into a single meaning. And Evan’s terrible identification with Connor has ended. The mirroring of the two characters–the thread that has kept the story together–has finally unravelled.

“For Forever” is no longer about death. It is no longer about Connor.

It’s about Evan this time. “For Forever” is now about life.

Bonus: in the last scene of the musical, Evan meets Zoe again in the orchard where saplings are growing. Guess what Zoe means in Greek?

the very last line of the show is the most impactful for me, and an incredible fucking lyric. “all i see is sky, for forever” represents that evan has moved past the previously used “all WE see is sky.” the we meaning connor, meaning lies and bullshit and layers of walls he thinks is protecting himself and others. as he said in words fail, he never lets them see the worst of him. he can’t. he has to sell the version of himself that he thinks is the most presentable, and i doubt he even likes that one. in fact i know he doesn’t. he’s vulnerable, but NEVER in that way. he can’t be. if he allows himself to be, he loses everything. what little he thinks he has less. 
but a year later, he doesn’t feel like that anymore. he’s past it. he’s grown, and doesn’t need it so much. he’s pretty much the most powerful thing you can be when you’re mentally ill, which is okay. he’s not good. he’s not bad, either. he’s himself. for the first time in years. and he’s alive, he’s there and he’s fucking content to stay that way. it’s incredible.

that said, i do not think connor ONLY represented lies to evan. he hasn’t let go of him completely. in a strange way, i really think that evan felt a sort of posthumous connection to connor. we, as the audience knew that they were very similar in some ways and literally mirrored eachother, but i don’t mean that. when connor picked up evans note, he read a little bit of it. i don’t reckon he saw evans name and immediately stopped, i reckon he saw what evan had written and thought hey. i can sort of relate to that. i don’t want this kid to have to suffer what i go through, so i’m going to reach out to him. one final act of kindness, what the hell. and then of course, that makes him seeing zoe’s name and having his paranoia validated all the more heartbreaking.

i can’t help but think evan has looked back to that moment a lot over the months following everything that’s happened.

evan and connor understood some of each other, whether they knew it or not. evan felt connected to connor because he had succeeded in what evan tried to do. he was in that space. i do not think that all the events of the musical had proceeded if connor had been someone else who had died under different circumstances.

and that’s where the “we” comes in again. evan doesn’t have to let connor go completely. and i’d frankly be surprised if he did. but by aligning himself with him like that, it speaks miles for what place he was in when he said all that. yknow, guys like them. connor murphy, the kid who killed himself and evan hansen, the guy who tried. it’s just. by saying “i” he’s letting us know he’s NOT THERE ANYMORE. he’s not in that same dangerous space.

#MarchForOurLives

Photos From the “March for Our Lives” all around the world

@teens and kids that are being bullied for speaking out:

each one of you is my hero.

i see you. i hear you. i’m standing with you.