FallenShadow

I’m tired of feeling and trying to be a good person in a world full of shitty people. I know I’m not perfect but I’m fucking trying.

I just can’t understand how this all got so ugly so quickly. How it went from being one thing to being another. How we went from being best friends to now I’m the scum of the earth and out to get you.

I wish I could have stopped this, I wish we could go back from this but there had been so many ugly things said.

I know I’m not perfect, I know I make mistakes, but I try to correct them. I try to right my wrongs when I’m allowed. This whole mess though, going to someone who no longer talks to me so you can get dirt…

The older I get the more apparent the reasons people like the lead singer of my favorite band offed himself. The older I get the more I feel the magick ripped out of my soul.

And for what?

What good does it do anyone? Cuz clearly it doesn’t even help me.

If I closed my eyes right now, and never woke up, I would not have any regrets past this life. I tried, and I feel on other lives I may have just kept trying.

This feel futile, fruitless, like a waste of time and energy.

No one reads these posts and it’s highly likely that no one ever will. Heck I even stopped posting on the page that was meant for just that.

Suicide… such a tempting idea it has been but death comes for us all right?

I sit here, next door to one of the closest people I had in my life, and now she has made me her enemy.

Maybe I still need help, maybe I don’t want it. If people can be this terrible, can use me, abuse me, manipulate me because I make it easy for them… then fine. I don’t want to be in this world.

I’ve been jealous of those around me who have chosen to move on. Desperate to understand their “selfishness”.

But how could I hurt those that have kept me going, those who have wanted nothing more than to be gone themselves… to hurt no more, to not feel so fucking exhausted from just trying.

It doesn’t matter yet it does, I am insignificant yet I actually matter. I know I have helped people over the years, but I have also hurt the people who helped me and there’s no way back from that either.

How I yearn to just start over, to wish I could have absorbed these lessons…

I’m sitting here looking back at my life, the last 15 years I never thought I would have, and it feels empty.

I’m empty, I’ve been disassociating really bad for the last few weeks and I feel like I just came back.

Like holy shit I have my own apartment and even that’s like 🤷

I haven’t wanted to be here for a while, I’ve mostly just been ohk with not wanting to not want to be here over past several years, and right now I’m just like … idk.

It feels pointless.

I want to and I’m ready to go back to school, but if I die today, that’s fine too.

I’ve been living every day hoping I don’t wake up anymore because I haven’t actively wanted to die in years.

I’m just tired of being tired, I’m tired of having lived with hashimotos for 10 years, holy fuck that actually brought tears to my eyes, I haven’t not been tired in almost 11 years.

And it’s just going to get worse, and idk. Nobody I know reads this, so when I need to just put the worst out there I put it here. Not because I think someone will save me, but because it means I existed. I was here.

Fallen shadow, how damn low was I that I believed I was a forgotten/ banished shadow… not even a real person.

BPD, is crazy man.

How to people go through there whole lives not remembering everything? How can people be ohk with not being able to even remember yesterday.

Ya know, I knew I pushed myself as a child, whenever I did anything I thought normal people should be able to do.

When I did those things, “pushed my physical limitations” if you will, I know I was damaging myself in some way I would eventually feel. I knew my older body would suffer consequences somehow… yet I pushed and persevered because I didn’t think I would live long enough for it to matter.

And right now everything is disconnecting again.

None of this feels real.

No one is reading this the way I checked on my friend while they were in college. When they couldn’t reach out and be honest about what they were going through. I checked on them to make sure they were alive because they were honest on here, because they weren’t judged here.

And now they no longer need this place to relent, so I’m here alone.

The only other friend who was on this site is no longer my friend due to my own failings.

Who am i, why am i even bothering with this? I’ve done everything in my past to prevent people from feeling what I feel, and yet no one has come through for me like this ever because I don’t know how to be honest.

Had a whole dream that was 3 days long and it was about me being in a mental hospital for attempting suicide.

In the dream everything was foggy because I guess I overdosed and was still recovering from the affects.

Couldn’t remember how many days had passed but I knew that my bills and cats would be taken care of while I was being taken care of.

“Why is it that the happiest time of my life was when I thought I was dying? Now I’m just tired all the time and waiting to die, clueless as to when that is like everyone else.”

“My death was an almost certainty, the one time I thought I won the lottery because 5 years was a lifetime to do what I finally wanted.”

“Somewhere along the way in my pretending and my trying to actually be happy, I became closed off to the pain of those I love. I didn’t want to live in the ugly unfortunate truth of this reality.”

“I became cold, distant, and created this bubble of overinflated bullshit to show to the world.”

“There’s this game, and I tell people that it really did change my life by teaching me the meaning and power in friendships.”

I know it sounds wild but I was like 10/11 and didn’t really want friends, not real ones that I could talk to. I kept everyone distant because I didn’t want to be tied down.”

“And that feeling was created by my being abandoned by my mother, cuz hell not even my mother could love me so of course I can’t trust anyone.”

“And I’ve felt evil, and horrible, this monster pretending to be human. Always trying to have the best intentions but my manner of them is my shortcoming.”

“I believe in nothing and everything, I don’t trust myself but believe that I am trustworthy to others, I try and help people when I can, and always end up with them hating me.”

“Maybe I am truly selfish.”

I think we’re more honest with ourselves when we’re younger, because we’re allowed to. We don’t have any other impending bills or work or some bullshit that we HAVE to worry about because then you’ll be broken And Homeless.

Houseless… sorry you can have a house and it never be a home. Not just some place that you reside in this small inconsequential part of your life.

Right now were you just wish for one fucking day that you wake up with the energy to take in the day instead of pretending that you are.

Every day I feel like my strength is receding, maybe my meds need to be changed.

On top of mental illness I suffer from invisible illnesses like fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

Now that I’m not making money it seems like the people around me don’t want anything to do with me…

They forget that I would rather die than lose the place that We live in.

Why am I the only one that cares about our pets ???

I would rather starve then allow my pets to starve.

They rely on me, to do everything

It’s just a desperate and pitiful attempt at getting anyone to say they’re proud of me.

I brag because I think I’m supposed to, because I’ve been told I’m good but I still feel like the 21 yr old who started working at P.F. Chang’s as a back waiter.

That’s why some people are just innately good no matter what the circumstances are and vice versa.

She’s more like a dandelion in the wind, waiting to be someone’s next wish or project, gently gliding along without having to work for or on herself.

People just care about her and want to take care of her. She says she has a problem with it but does nothing to help her actual self and just exists.

I know she’s not trying but it just makes me so upset that this person who doesn’t even try makes me feel like a stranger in my own home.

I should have died a long time ago.

I could write this in my journal but that means grabbing it and actually writing…

I used to love writing, could write pages upon pages without stopping, and now I just want everything to stop.

Every stimulus, every feeling, every single thing….