I feel things so deeply, I feel things so intenselyā¦ because most of the time I donāt feel anything at all.
Iām sitting here looking back at my life, the last 15 years I never thought I would have, and it feels empty.
Iām empty, Iāve been disassociating really bad for the last few weeks and I feel like I just came back.
Like holy shit I have my own apartment and even thatās like š¤·
I havenāt wanted to be here for a while, Iāve mostly just been ohk with not wanting to not want to be here over past several years, and right now Iām just like ā¦ idk.
I want to and Iām ready to go back to school, but if I die today, thatās fine too.
Iāve been living every day hoping I donāt wake up anymore because I havenāt actively wanted to die in years.
Iām just tired of being tired, Iām tired of having lived with hashimotos for 10 years, holy fuck that actually brought tears to my eyes, I havenāt not been tired in almost 11 years.
And itās just going to get worse, and idk. Nobody I know reads this, so when I need to just put the worst out there I put it here. Not because I think someone will save me, but because it means I existed. I was here.
Fallen shadow, how damn low was I that I believed I was a forgotten/ banished shadowā¦ not even a real person.
How to people go through there whole lives not remembering everything? How can people be ohk with not being able to even remember yesterday.
Ya know, I knew I pushed myself as a child, whenever I did anything I thought normal people should be able to do.
When I did those things, āpushed my physical limitationsā if you will, I know I was damaging myself in some way I would eventually feel. I knew my older body would suffer consequences somehowā¦ yet I pushed and persevered because I didnāt think I would live long enough for it to matter.
And right now everything is disconnecting again.
No one is reading this the way I checked on my friend while they were in college. When they couldnāt reach out and be honest about what they were going through. I checked on them to make sure they were alive because they were honest on here, because they werenāt judged here.
And now they no longer need this place to relent, so Iām here alone.
The only other friend who was on this site is no longer my friend due to my own failings.
Who am i, why am i even bothering with this? Iāve done everything in my past to prevent people from feeling what I feel, and yet no one has come through for me like this ever because I donāt know how to be honest.
Iām tired of being in my head, maybe disassociating is better than feeling this emptiness.
