where do the shadows go

he listens with half an ear, but he isn't too focused right now when he is sure that the information isn't going to be that valuable to him either way. he pauses a bit in his thought at the mention of homeland - sebastian himself could never imagine being anywhere else during this, his own state was feeling far away sometimes when things were bad, and even then he'd been travelling mostly before the outbreak. "yeah? where you from?" seb asks, looking curiously and tries to see if he can know the accent. feels like english from somewhere else, but he isn't too sure where. he knew europeans in general spoke good english, wasn't too sure the accents. "but yeah, it's gonna be weird. i was on my own most of the time..." not really wanting to speak the truth on why that was. "so having these people all so near? weird but i guess it's better than sharing space with shrooms, ay?" he nudges warwick's side with his elbow.

johannes chuckles at that, nervously so. for some reason handsome men, has him always nervous. he thought it would have ended with the outbreak but no such luck. especially now, when he could finally settle in a little, it felt like all his old worries came back. "well, i feel age has lost it's numbers and just now a feeling," he tells him, listening interested to what the other man tells him about vineyards, dreams of the past. himself? he had lived the dream as a player in the premier league, but right now he wondered if he truly wasted too much time on being someone other than himself. oh well. "i mean, we could always just pour it out in the outskirts of town, yeah? i don't think it will ruin... too many plants," he looks at the liquid. "it will be a fun adventure!"

they lived in a world of constant fear, as much as novac had made it easier for them. still, when patrick stood there, leaning into laz's embrace as his arms wrapped around him, patrick thought that this was as safe as one could be. perhaps everything would be okay in the end after all, with this man who had no matter what stood next to him. from group to group up until now, they had found their way back to each other. that must mean something, right? "stop it," he murmurs at the compliment that paints his cheeks a pink shade, but he loves it all the same. "you're biased, that's all," but then he's leaning in, kissing laz as the last rays of sun hits their faces, disappearing into the water by the end of the world in the horizon, his hands cupping the other's face. "i love you," he mumbles, softly, letting their noses bump against each other. "with my whole, entire, heart."

jasper lingered in the arms of his lover as they spoke. “yeah.” in those moments, a world of normality felt painfully far away. in an alternate world he would have loved raising their puppy in a beachfront home, flowers in the front garden, a mailbox with their double-barreled surname painted on the front. he mourned each and every memory that would never be. the scrapbook of their life would remain empty, devoid of polaroids or little snaps of birthdays, christmases, maybe even the births of their children. “and i would have a hot chocolate with all the trimmings. cream as high as the ceiling. marshmallows. chocolate powder.” jasper missed the little things, baking on a sunday morning and buying himself new books to celebrate each paycheck. they may have had to kiss the world they knew goodbye, but what they had created from the rubble would do just fine. both hands found the sides of his boyfriend's face. "i love you." he whispered, nudging his nose to linus', shifting to drape a chain of flowers over his head like a crown.

"i will be giving you a hot chocolate one day," linus said. he didn't care how much of an impossible promise he might have made just then, but he was determined to make it one he could keep. every day he was trying to find recipes, supplies, things to make for the hot chocolate jasper might not be dreaming of, ones they would have back in the world, but it could be close. and it would be his. "one day, i'll make sure you have one. and until then, you have to just settle on the hot chocolate that is me," he joked, kissing jasper's nose as he was closer to him, smiling at the flowers on his head. "is it pretty enough?" he mumbled, kissing him softly, deepening the kiss just enough. "wnna head back to our room, angel?" his voice lowered just a little bit, his intentions clear.

"patrick. you need to stop." jasper had very rarely been assertive, especially when it came to his siblings, but at some point he needed to put his foot down. since meeting linus he had grown more confident. being on his own, forced to navigate the world without his sister to hold his hand, the boy had bloomed from the darkness and grown his own petals. there was a sickness in his mouth from talking back to patrick, but that didn't mean what he had to say wasn't essential. "i know it's not what you're insinuating. but it's not fair to call me brave. i'm not some success story just because i've found love in this body. you think i'm not scared?" jasper was terrified every day that linus wouldn't come home, that someone would die on the operating table and succumb to an underlying infection. he was paralysed with fear, knowing that there was the possibility of the love of his life leaving him alone in a world peppered with cruelty. "i didn't say i didn't like him. he tries to get me into trouble. he tries to get me into situations because i'm naive. that's something you two can talk about. you wanted to protect me when i told you about linus. i'm your brother. it's my job to do that same." despite their separation, they still shared the same flesh and blood.

the two smith brothers that had always seemed less than likely to maybe find love like this, would of course find it in a world where nothing made sense to begin with. though patrick felt everything about jasper and linus made sense - as much as he had worried and given linus the eye when he started seeing him wrapping his arms around his baby brother, patrick had felt he was a good man. and he knew that he would too find it, that him and laz could build something too, as long as they were prepared of the complications that could arise. would it be worth adding the extra layer of worry? he'd hope so. "i'll protect you, always. and he won't get you into trouble. he wouldn't dare. we'll... all be sure everyone is safe and... i don't know," he shrugs, shaking his head. "god, this is weird, isn't it? if we had been back home, would we go on like... double dates?" a pause, and then he adds. "i'm sorry. for snapping. calling you brave for this. i'm not always good at words. just know that i love and care for you so much."

he doesn't mind at all, a small smile forming on his lips as his face is so close to laz's, he can feel his breath on his. he lets his fingers travel over his arms, just touching him, feeling like he is suddenly happier than he has ever been in his entire life. who knew, it would be this man? someone that he for sure thought he could never feel much for, and in the middle of this mad world. now though, patrick only laces his fingers with laz's, giving his hand a squeeze. "yes, hurry up old man or we might miss it," he teases, like they would banter before they started this thing, before patrick found his way into laz's arms, years ago. "hurry," and he tugs laz with him to the spot he knows is going to be the best one, where they can watch the entire sunset and sky turning red gold, only the two of them.

johannes can't help but laugh at the other man starts cringing as well, reacting to the drink almost as bad as he does. "is the brewer's secret to not tell the patrons when the drink is so strong it might cause their heads to blow off?" he jokes, settling for getting a water instead, filling a glass that doesn't look too dirty and downing a few gulps, hoping to get rid of the strong taste burning in his mouth. "maybe we're just getting too old for these things... it's been a while since i was in my youth, drinking whatever was handed to me," he murmurs, glancing over at the bartender. he's handsome.

"i don't know man, but hopefully we'll learn with time," seb says, a smile dancing on his lips as he watches the other, amused as he can tell the other is trying to figure him out, or something like that. "and it's a bit of a miracle, innit? the whole having this place like a save haven. but i suppose when your brain's been hardwired to run for years, it'll take more than a couple of nights in a nice bed to feel better, don't you?" he pushes his hands down his pockets, sighing a little. "i don't know, perhaps we'll just have to draw or own maps as we figure it out if not. might not be pretty, but maybe we won't get lost, huh?"

nicholas shrugs. he may be an asshole sometimes, but he can be considerate when he wants to. ‘ why wouldn't i? i dinnae own the place. ’ though with the hours he spends cooped up in the clinic more than anywhere else in the settlement, he might as well. even in th event of a literal apocalypse, he still can't be ripped away from work. suppose some things truly never change. ‘ the patient beds aren't the most comfortable, but it beats the dirt. ’

"i do appreciate it so much!" sebastian tells him with a big smile, knowing that he needs to make sure to be polite and be thankful that he's getting a chance to be in the clinic. it will be a problem still in the morning that he is not quite sure where the key is, but also he doesn't think it will be too much of a trouble to find it when he's not feeling like he could fall asleep standing up. "wait.. this is not a trick to lure me into the clinic for... experiments or something?" he jokes.

the heaviness of guilt swirled in his gut. how was jasper still alive, in spite of it all? he had no survival skills nor instincts. it had been a stroke of luck or, perhaps, somebody up in the sky had their eye on him. those last ten years he had prayed to an empty god, placed his palms together and uttered promises and vows to a man he wasn't sure existed. beside him was a true life angel, a man that had come down from heaven to keep him safe; and yet he didn't feel worthy of any of it. "we're lucky people?" the boy questioned, huddled up against linus with his palm full of flowers, his lap littered with picked leaves and stem-cuts. "if we went back, back to before... what would it be like? do you think we would've met?" would they have fallen in love as quickly, as deeply, without the threat of death looming over one shoulder? would they have stumbled into each other's paths, into each other's hearts?

linus just listened to jasper, thinking of the words. honestly, he wasn't sure what had made him survive, come to this place. a doctor's conference couldn't have been more a stroke of luck than anything, to be in the states when the outbreak happened, to find his way into jasper's arms. he kisses jasper's lips softly, humming a little bit. "i don't know..." he mumbles, lacing their fingers together and his thumb rubs over jasper's ring finger without even thinking much about it. how it misses something. how linus should propose, as soon as he finds the perfect ring, the perfect way. "but i think so. i think in every universe there's a linus and jasper, waiting to meet," he gives jasper a soft smile, brushing his thumb now over soft plump lips. "just, perhaps if we had met during... well, better circumstances, it wouldn't be with a bat and blood. just like... i don't know," he shrugs, laughing. "bumping into each other at a coffee shop maybe, with no bigger problems than what to order, yeah?"

ever since coming to novac, sleep became just as scarce as everything else in the world. it still felt strange sleeping in a room where her family wasn't within reach, or anywhere at all. nightmares made itself a home in her dreams, and soon enough kaia found that staying awake and wandering was better than having to relive her trauma in her sleep. ‘ i asked one of the nurses the same thing last month and they said no, ’ they answer, ‘ but they said tea might help. i'm not sure if that works. ’

the disappointment can probably be seen on his face, but it's to be expected honestly. he has not been thinking he'd be so lucky to find something as sleeping aid here, but well, hope is the last thing to leave the human, right? "i figured. damn. i might as well try tea. i don't wanna fall asleep at my shift and... not be good to society," he answers, truthfully. being invited in here, he doesn't want to become someone that isn't paying back what he's been given.

the sudden harsh response has him pulling back a little, jj not wanting to start any problem. "uh, no i didn't... sorry," he says, trying to apologise even before the question about the rock comes up. wow, what did he do to piss this one off so quickly? he hasn't always been the guy everyone likes, but usually he doesn't piss them off in the blink of an eye. "no, thank you, i... was just making conversation. i guess?"

his jaw hardened. jasper's nose scrunched before his features softened back to their default setting. he wished joey was there to vouch for him like before, but in those ten years forced to walk the world alone he had remembered the promises his older sister had instilled in him. jasper being himself wasn't anything special in its own right. he wasn't some encouragement poster tacked on a wall, some example, a success story. he was a man loving a man; they just so happened to be in an apocalypse. standing, hooking his fingers beneath arwen's collar, he turned to leave before whirling back towards his brother. jasper was meek, he kept to himself and chose silence over antagonism. except for that day. "no. i'm not brave. me just existing as i am isn't brave. me loving someone isn't brave. i had to do this all on my own because our parents didn't give a damn about us. i had to find somebody on my own, i had to keep myself alive, and i fell in love. keeping myself alive and walking this path alone was brave. me doing normal things isn't bravery. i don't know what part of this you think makes me brave—" openly loving, or loving despite his difference, "—but you don't get to tell me how to feel about my own life when you've barely been in it."

the sudden outburst shocked patrick, not only because it was unlike him, but also because he wasn't sure where it came from. they had not the easiest time growing up, struggling with parents not really being there, brothers and sisters taking on roles they shouldn't have to. "well to me it is!" he says, defensively. "might not be to you, and it isn't saying the rest of it isn't damn brave as well. but i've never loved, jasper. and it's been scarier to come to terms with loving laz than it has been to travel through the hoards of dead. it's been scarier to worry about losing him than dying myself." he looks at jasper, shaking his head. "i know you don't like him. but i do. i love him. i'd go through everything for him, as much as that scares me so yes, he is my linus. and i never thought i'd have something like this, ever. and yes, maybe that makes me a fool but that has been scaring me. which is why i haven't talked about it. for years." he shakes his head. "and i never chose not to be in your life. you know that. you must know that." he wipes his eyes. "i regret us getting separated every single day."

“  my  parents  never  let  me  have  a  phone  ,  not  until  i  was  thirteen  .  hard  to  miss  something  you  had  for  a  short  period  of  time  .  ”      harika  chuckled  ,  with  a  smile  that  seemed  to  reach  every  part  of  her  face  .  there’s  joy  in  the  making  of  new  friends  ,  ones  that  did  not  seem  to  be  suspicious  of  every  move  she  could  possible  have  made  .  a  humming  filled  the  space  after  his  question  ,  chewed  nails  tapping  the  side  of  her  cheek  in  thought  .    “  my  bedazzled  microphone  .  ”    there’s  no  shame  in  the  dreams  of  a  young  girl  ,  𝗮𝗻𝗱  𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗸𝗮  𝗶𝘀  𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘆  𝘁𝗼  𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗻𝗱  𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺   .    “  living  out  my  taylor  swift  you  belong  with  me  era  .  but  honestly  ,  i  think  i  just  miss  the  idea  of  being  able  to  blast  music  and  sing  it  at  the  top  of  your  lungs  .  ”

"damn, well that makes sense then," seb lets out a chuckle, listening to what she was saying. he was just listening until she said what she was missing, and he let out a laugh. not judging, just because it was so pure, something so very... old world, sebastian missed it. "damn, really? wow, we need to find a bedazzled microphone here too. there's not too late to live out your taylor swift dreams, girl. maybe have a sold out show here in novac." taylor swift, probably fungi somewhere, would hopefully not be too worried about it.

"and you're mine," patrick whispers against his lips, holding him there. neither of them were good at this, public display of affection, or saying what they really wanted to begin with. hell, it had taken them years on the road and meeting up in different groups, scared it might have been the last time they had seen each other, to even admit there was something between them other than a quick way to get off. patrick had fallen for laz and he wasn't sure when, he just knew that he had, and that with every heartbeat in his chest, it felt as if that love only grew stronger. all he wanted was the man opposite of him right now, listening to the words and hoping that they could have something together. "you're everything... you're everything to me," he breathes out, voice shaky and broken, yet he feels stronger with each word he finally says out loud. "i don't want to hide in your room. not anymore. i just want us. this. you and me. and i don't..." he meets laz's eyes, kissing him again. "i'm not afraid anymore."