Accepted, somewhere.

bring it back

if there will ever be a time when i feel whole

bring it forward

where i am right now is not where i want to be

not so much mist, as there is fog

not so much rain, as there is thunder

and i'm trying, i really am trying

to see past all of what is holding me back

it's not like i'm not

but my mind isn't clear

their lack of words

my lack of validity

our lack of understanding

they're too important

i don't want to care

but i can't help but care too much

They say that when life gets tough, take it one day at a time

But how can I, when there’s forever in a day

Why doesn’t it hurt when I get stabbed

by their words and their actions

they’re supposed to be like knives

you know, the ones that go into your back

Why doesn’t it hurt during the long work nights,

with my stiff neck, strained eyes, and tired fingers

there’s endless shouting, oh but there’s empty thoughts

Why doesn’t it hurt when I hit my toe on the coffee table

sprain my ankle on the sidewalk

or when I drop a hot frying pan onto both of my bare thighs

there are no scars as deep

Why does nothing hurt except for when you say those words

that aren’t meant to be like knives in my back

but are

When did a helping hand turn into a rigid spiked fist

and when did you decide to reach out for me

did you think that you were wiping my tears?

you were the one making them fall

I can handle almost anything really

except for that

It’s funny how life gives you lemons

Even though you debilitatingly hate lemons

I’ve spent my whole life hiding

And hiding

And I know

That there eventually would have to be that day

When I was forced to eat those damn lemons

just to get rid of them

What’s the point of lemons

I expect the lemon

And I spend time thinking about the lemon

Hoping that it’d never have to come to me

But I think that the more I think about it

And try to avoid it

The more likely it’ll come rolling my way

Maybe the moral of this story

Is to not think about the things you want to escape

But rather take them as they come.

Enjoy their tartness

The way they make your face get all twisted

And your insides burn

Maybe the more lemons you get

the more immune to them you’ll be

As much as you don’t want to

you got to

lemons be what lemons be

they don’t give a fuck about you

and how many lemons you already have

So here’s to your lemon buffet

and lemon breakfast

and lemon lunch

and lemonade

cheers

you got this.

I’m walking through life

at a steady pace.

No hurry, no eagerness, no reason.

My eyes feel like their glazing over

and my thoughts are out of my head

There’s a lot to think about

So much

to the point of no longer thinking

Like I’m there, but I’m not

Like I grew a couple inches taller

Just walking through life

like I died

No purpose

except to come back to life

and live

Why is it so hard to feel alive

Why can’t I cherish each moment

and be present

Can’t I make a sound

and make them see that I’m here?

It would be easier if I existed

in my own mind

But I don’t

So I can’t

How can I awake from the unconscious?

I’d like to be here

truly here,

Realizing that each stride I make is a conscious choice

and has meaning.

But I don’t

but I’d like to

One stupid mistake after another.

Careless actions and carefully thought out plans

turning into accidents.

One foot in front of another.

One step at a time.

There’s no place to run.

Because of the guilt

And the burdensome pull

Of responsibility.

Where can I find my confidence

If every time I truly want to do right

If every time I’m given the chance to 

do right

I fail.

I stumble and 

I fall as i fail.

It would be so much easier to get up

Each time

Knowing that it is possible to succeed

At least once in a lifetime

Without guilt

Or shame

But confidence.