out of hope

i was trying to be good, i swear, i was doing what im told to do and trying to be nice as i can to it

then the damn dog bit me, hard- like enough i swear i heard/felt a "pop"

it didnt pierce skin but it left a hole for lack of better word- the only reason i cant see the hole now is because the palm of my hand swelled

back of my hand is covered in scratches- then i somehow pinched my hand in something hard as hell and its bleeding- if it wasnt one thing drawing blood its another

it all stings and hurts and makes me wanna relapse

the time when i was like 12 [and later when i was 17, again] 🟢 confesses out of the blue, and i already felt bad for them in the moment about their life but couldn't muster a yes [becuz. well. i was 12/uninterested] and i couldnt help but feel like i ruined their life with it even tho i know i didnt

then theres also just the fact ive lived by a "if i want something done to me, i gotta put that energy out first", big karma shit- and i always wanted to be cared for by someone, and that usually only happens in a romantic context-

so when i want. to care for someone and they confess, i figure- why the fuck not? without consulting my feelings