fairyfloss

when will my time come? the world is a stagnant ocean, no waves, no change. after a while the meaningless pleasure you seek out fades from neon to grey. only the blood remains, the redness against pale skin, the taste. i walk through these starless streets, lost like a fool, tired like a man. who am I fooling? that is a non question, i am not fooling anybody, i am not even aiming too. i am just making by and by and by. one more night of emptiness, of sustenance. beauty means nothing when it has no consequence. 

i have lived in this city for more dreams than a child. when I first came, it was so dark that there were no shadows. even though the streets are now lit at every corner, the dust fairies dancing like misfits down the rays of light, nothing has changed. there are still no shadows beneath my feet. i wander aimlessly, only for the sake of moving. i whisper sweet words in their ear’s just to get them to crumple, i bleed them through, i leave. there’s no joy. i only drink because i have to. blood does not taste of anything anymore.

my time will not come because time does not exist for me. every event happens in no order. i drift. things only are because they must be. no one sees the blood trickling down my chin, smeared on my mouth. no one sees a dead man in the alleyway. there is not enough time for them. b as for me there is none left, and hence i could stand here forever. the light isn't there for anyone to see me.

one night, i do not go inside. i stay outside in the sunrise. the colours are new. oranges, rebirth, blue breaking through, melting,the streets barren debris of the next day. i feel the light pierce under my skin, one thousand needles on a single point, my chest tight in agony, my throat twisted. I will not die, i will only wither. but after so long, something breaks through cracks and i cry out in pain. i feel something. going back inside, tissued skin peeling off, furrowing back behind darkness, i watch them awaken, seek out a new day despite coming home with the same slump every night. perhaps that’s why they can continue. 

It was the tender possessiveness of my first gaze at you

please reserve your eyes for me, i begged silently

a single splint to set ablaze my heart in two

please reserve your eyes for me, i begged silently

a pomegranate, split open

a secret want to be selfish

an underworld crafted lush and deep

a lullaby to help you sleep

it was the secrecy of desire and the fear of impurity

that kept my loud mouth shut and my quiet heart shaking

soft tremors in my chest everytime