Floating

I’ve been in recovery. It’s been a long while since I’ve even opened this app. But it’s so hard not to fall back into my bad habit of not eating… I’m getting to a point again where it’s not accidental, it’s  deliberate. I’ve been only eating dinner and then snacking a bit at night. At first I wasn’t trying, but now all I can’t think about is checking the scale. I’ve been eating nothing but light dinners and only a little bit of snacking and my weight hasn’t budged at all. Maybe my metabolism is prepared for my bull shit. Now- all I want is to lose 5-10LBs. I can feel all those thoughts and feelings coming back. The obsession with planning out my night to avoid snacking. Not seeing ME in the mirror anymore but a body full of flesh and bones and fat. The back and forth of just wanting to be thin and the fear of the damage i could be doing. I wish I could just drop this shit. It doesn’t help that one of my best friend is a literal Barbie/Instagram model. Almost all of her posts are basically body checking her boney petite figure. It’s so triggering, especially because I know she got that way from starving. I remember a time when I saw myself as a bigger girl and I didn’t mind that. I was almost… proud. What happened? What is wrong with me?

I would eat soup everyday if I could

It took me months to lose that 5lbs and because my cat died I ate big dinners for just a couple days since I was sad, (while still not eating breakfast or lunch, only dinner) and it came right back. It’s taken me a couple weeks of not eating anything but a smaller dinner everyday just to lose 2lbs. Wtf is wrong with my body. I’m starving myself and nothing is happening. I know that it’s my metabolism slowing because I never eat breakfast or lunch, and I know that it would speed up if I ate at least breakfast but I just cant. I don’t wanna eat anything ever. But I have to eat dinner with my boyfriend every night. And then all he does all night is snack and he will buy my favourite snacks and it’s so hard to stop myself when I’m so hungry. I just wanna be happy. I want to forget I ever hated myself and just eat what I want without feeling guilty. But I also wanna be skinny. I’m just constantly arguing with myself over food. I’m exhausted. 

God I fucking hate thanksgiving. I feel like a fat pig. It’s taken me forever just to lose 3lbs for it to immediately come back. I just want to shrivel away into nothing.