modern loneliness

“ i would have done anything you asked, ezra. i never stopped loving you but i figured you were better off without me. ” it hurt to say but it was the truth. at the time, when it came down to it, they were from two different worlds. he had a whole bright future ahead of him and it seemed like she was destined to be stuck in the cut. she knew that he would have done anything to make long distance work, that he would have done anything she asked, but she didn’t know how to say it. and when she had gone to see him at school, he had looked so good there, happier than she had seen him in awhile and she wanted that for him. for them. they could share a small apartment just off campus and slow dance in their kitchen at three a.m. and hang his art all over the walls but it could never happen. she was stuck and as his father had so kindly put it, she’d just drag him down. but even now, after all these years, the thought of ezra with someone else was still a strange concept to her. “ we’re always going to be us. it’s just different now. ” she feels all the air leave her body in that moment, fingernails digging into her palm to hold back the tears burning at her eyes. they had said good-bye so many times but there was a finality to this that she couldn’t quite grasp. “ please, ” she nearly pleads, her voice sounding strange to her own ears. “ don’t do this. ”

“well, i wasn’t,” he says quietly, “who would ever be better off without the person they love?” ezra’s first semester had been pretty much the only good one of his college career. he’d arrived so shiny and new, but between the breakup and the pressure his classes brought, things had only gotten worse. he’d come home looking more rundown every break, bouncing back just enough over the summer to keep anyone from suspecting too much. his roommates had learned to turn a blind eye when he spent days in bed, silently making sure he stayed hydrated and out of harm’s way until he bounced back. and as unfair as it is to pin it on her, he can’t help but think that if things would have worked out with naomi he would have had the courage to quit school before he spiralled so hard, someone and something else to fight for. he finally looks up at her, tears stinging his own eyes and a lump forming in his throat. he wants to wrap his arms around her, tell her that of course he can’t do this, of course he can’t walk out on them. but he wants to be over her so badly, to stop hurting every time he thinks about the future they never had. “let me go, naomi,” he chokes out, “if you love me, the way you say you do, the way i know you do, you’ll let me move on. i just- i just want to be happy for once. i haven’t been happy in so long.” 

“yeah, you look it. and i can easily carry you to bed, no matter how much i smoked, so don’t test me.”  connor jokes lightly as he plops down on the couch next to his boyfriend. he’s not all there right now but it’s easy to see that ezra isn’t either and the thing about ezra is that when he spirals, he goes completely off. “i know i’m terrible at talking…but i feel like need to catch up a little bit. how’d you feel about that?”

“if you pick me up i might puke on you,” ezra warns, doing his best to give connor a serious look through his glassy eyes. he sighs at connor’s question, pulling his knees up to his chest in an effort to keep himself sitting up straight. ezra was usually the talker, the one who was good at processing both of their feelings, but he’d ran out of energy so quickly after coming back to the house. overconfident in how well he was doing and thinking he could reel himself back in, he’d allowed himself to slip, and he felt like he’d been tumbling ever since. “there’s not a lot to catch up on,” he says finally, “ i wasn’t there for luci when she needed me, i told naomi i want her out of my life. i’m drunk, i feel like shit, i don’t even remember where the fuck i left my meds. i’ve been blowing my therapist off for a week. and now, i’m fucking falling apart and i know you are too and i can’t even be there for you because i don’t even know how to be a functioning human being for two goddamn seconds. and nobody... nobody gets it.” 

“uh oh, none of that. none of that.” connor said as he tugged at ezra’s hands gently, trying to get him off the couch. his initial plan was to simply movie him to the bedroom so that he could actually rest, but seeing the state that he was in was enough for connor to sober up a little bit. he’d been a non-stop diet of weed and whatever bottle of alcohol he could find, but he knew ezra well enough already; this was not good. “i need your help getting to bed or having fun. or both, let’s go.”

ezra barely moves at first, trying to shut out the sound of connor’s voice in order to let himself drift back to sleep. the tugging on his hands wakes him up just enough to open his eyes almost fully, sitting up a bit straighter. its then that he realizes how drunk he still is, the world starting to spin as he lets his head fall back against the edge of the couch.  “stop con,” he whines, pulling his hands away and letting them fall back to his sides, “i can’t help you get to bed, i don’t even think i can get myself to bed. i think i stopped counting shots at eight.” 

when ezra turned to face her, luci immediately looked up. she was already so emotional, the last thing she needed was to start crying in front of him and look even more pathetic. “you can’t just say things like that. you can’t just lie to me and tell me i’m important and then just ignore me when i need you,” luci mumbled, afraid that her voice might crack. “no i’m not,” she huffed, “i’m nothing like him.” 

“i’m not lying to you,” he insists, his voice still soft, but persistent, “i just didn’t realize you needed me. and i’m sorry for that. you shouldn’t have to spell it out for me. i’m going to work on paying better attention.” he studies her face for a moment before rolling over again, laying his palms face down like she’d suggested. “you are just like him” he breathes out, “its no wonder i love you both so much.” 

luci looked over at ezra and then up at the sky. “really? are you sure? you’ve counted them all?” she asked, her voice soft as she spoke. “put your hands at your sides. palms down. it helps you feel more grounded,” luci suggested, already knowing what he was doing out here. “no,” she mumbled, “i just hate that i’m not important to you anymore.” luci wasn’t mad, at least not right now, but she would be lying if she said she wasn’t hurting.

“feels like i have,” he says with a shake of his head, “guess not.” he ignores her instruction and instead rolls onto his side so they’re face to face. “you are important to me,” he says with a soft sigh, “you’re my best fucking friend. and practically my soul mate. there are just- other things that are important to me, too.” he had never meant to hurt her or make her feel like she wasn’t important anymore, he’d just been distracted. it was hard for him to keep up with everything going on. “you’re just like connor,” he says softly, “you never let anyone see you hurting until its too late. i didn’t know.” 

things had been going so well, her life had been going so well, and within a few weeks of being back at the house it all seemed to turn to shit. especially in the past few days, it felt like she was teetering closer and closer to the edge. she was angry, at no one in particular, which was the most volatile form of anger, at least for her. the last thing she wanted to do was take that out on someone who didn’t deserve it, and the best way she knew to do that was isolate herself from everyone. luci made her way outside to the pool, not really minding that ezra was already there. “we’re in a different hemisphere, obviously they’re different,” she mumbled, laying down so her head was directly besides his, her feet pointing in the opposite direction.

he keeps his eyes trained on the sky as she lays down next to him, staying almost perfectly still. “i knew they’d be different, but there’s way more than at home,” he says quietly. he’d always found some sort of comfort in looking at the sky, it making him and all of his problems feel small. he lets quiet fall over them for a few moments before he speaks again, voice still soft, “thought you hated me now.” 

ezra wasn’t sure where everything had went wrong. one second things had been great; he’d been keeping up with all the self-care he’d discussed with his therapist, him and connor were going strong, and he’d spent the entire break with his best friend. the next, he seemed to have completely forgotten how to take care of himself, both him and connor slipping off the edge too much to help the other back up, and things had blown up with luci and naomi. maybe worse than they ever had before. he’d been isolating himself from the rest of the house, heading out to the pool as they planned a game night. he doesn’t bother to sit up as he hears footsteps approaching, glassy eyes trained on the sky above him, “its crazy how many stars you can see out here. nothing like back home.” 

luci: you’re fucking incredible

luci: i hope you and connor are very happy together

luci: so i’m the risk?

luci: you can’t be around me and happy at the same time

ezra: maybe i can't.

luci: oh my god you’re so fucking self absorbed

luci: if you taking your meds and being yourself means that you treat the people who care about you like crap, then i don’t want to know you

ezra: then don't.

luci: you treating me like shit is you treating me like shit. i didn’t change my whole fucking personality when i started dating apollo

luci: clearly i’m too much of a fucking cockblock to be happy for you. sorry.

ezra: i didn't change personalities because i started dating connor, i changed personalities because i stopped taking shots for breakfast and started taking my fucking meds.

luci: i don’t want you to be miserable but you treat me like shit now that you’re with connor

luci: oh clearly you’ve already picked him over everyone else so no worries

ezra: me finally putting myself and my happiness first is me treating you like shit?

luci: clearly you don’t want me around since i’m such a fucking cockblock

ezra: why do i have to be miserable for you to want to be my friend?

luci: you’re right, you and connor shouldn’t have come

luci: i was a fucking third wheel in my own fucking house