Hungry Wanderer

Tokyo Lights

Whenever people ask me why am I like this lately, or what’s up with my “pa-deep” posts, all I can say is “Nothing”. Nothing. No, everything’s fine. Perhaps that’s the biggest lie and the easiest one I can pull-off nowadays. To pretend that everything’s okay, or at the very least, say that everything’s okay. But is it really okay? Of course not. Of course nothing’s okay.

I’m trying to sort out all these thoughts and feelings lately, yet for some reason, I cannot think of the exact trigger why I am like this now. I can’t say that it’s just because the sun is too hot lately, or that I just hate everyone right now. Maybe, just maybe, it’s because every BS pilled up  within my system that I cannot contain all of it anymore.

Let me tell you something that I am 101% sure of: I want to get the hell out of this (whatever you may call this) hole I am in.  Ask me to go somewhere, I’ll go. Perhaps if I’m not that of a coward, I already left months ago. Maybe if I’m not considering a lot of things, I already left the moment I realized nothing will change; that although they say that “change is the only permanent thing in this world”, nothing will change. Nothing.

Maybe that’s what irked me up to the point that I can’t tolerate it anymore - the fact that no matter how hard I or we try, nothing will change. That despite the high hopes I had before, everything was nothing compared to the system that’s trying to eat us up - oh what a cliche.

You might wonder why I stayed? Hypocrisy aside, I though I can change some of the things. I was not hoping to change everything, but I was hoping that even by my little “plans”, I can change something. I thought  that I can share what I learned, what I thought was right. The real world proved me wrong - and they were all right when they said that the real world is different, that the academe cannot fully prepare you for the real world. Out here I realized that power is far more greater than ethics and doing what is right. That the system, no matter how ideal you are about everything, can slowly eat you up. The system and the people made me feel that I am nothing. People became idiotic as days passes by; people became dispensable; people became stupid; people became a burden; people let themselves be part of the system. But no, being apathetic is not an option for me. Being eaten up by the system is not an option. Being nothing is not an option, at all. Be pushed down by the power-tripping and power-hoarding people is not an option. I defer to be one of those people who just gave up easily. No, not today, not tomorrow, not for this lifetime.