no, mira mira mira mira

Our grocery store has a Perishable Manager and a Non-Perishable Manager and I know it’s talking about the departments they oversee but really it seems like Seth may be mortal but David will never die

Every safety regulation is written in blood, and every weird customer service question is written in the drool of an idiot before you.

Ordered the "signature omelet" (jalapeno and feta) at a place where the waitress then confirmed "That has jalapenos, is that ok? They're spicy. And it has feta, is that ok? It's a strong flavor." Other people at my table thought it was stupid, but I was like "That is a woman who has had to take back a lot of omelets from people who didn't know that jalapenos would be spicy."

i keep adding to my "watch later" and not watching later

yeah “i can teach you” is kind and gentle and warm and comforting. it’s also hot. right

yeah im gonna get my life sorted im just waiting until i randomly win one bazillion dollars first. trust. then i'll be free.

thats just the way the pussy crumbles

please see a gynecologist

goes to sleep in a complex and nuanced way

Fucking hard or hardly fucking am I right brother

love downloading a pdf to never read. just in case. like lol. you’re coming home with me

i love having the hubris to go 'sure i'll try that, how hard can it be' about every creative skill under the sun. jack of all trades master of shit fuck but who says you have to be a master??? maybe i want to sew a mediocre plushie and code a janky mod and write a bland song. im having fun. im in my lane. im learning and im thriving.

drinking water when I have a headache should give instant relief. it should go away. what's even the point of drinking water if it can't do that