Experiencing Life

I have decided to reclaim my sexuality. I am done with having a loss of power around women and feeling like I need to meet their every need.

I don’t.

Me sexuality belongs to me and I am reclaiming it for myself.

It is for me to express in a way that works for me. In a way that is healthy, loving and appropriate.

It is something to explore in a way I want to explore.

To do in a way that I want to do it.

Just read this book over the last couple of days. Fucking hell. I had to stop reading it a couple of times it was so confronting. I don’t know why but mostly it made me want to cry.

I don't know if it was for the kids he molested or the thought process that had him justify it.

The thing I connect with most from this book is the loss of power he has. It does highlight addictive behavior.

One thing I am realizing however is that there is a cost to all this.

People (particularly women) then become a way for me to get my fix. They are no longer people.

They become a means to an end.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The problem is that it us a hard thing to be straight about and it ends up being covert. Saying “I dont really care about you. I just want to get a fix from you” would be ok if it was communicated. Then people could decide if that worked for them or not.

When I need a fix though, I can’t risk not getting it. What eventuates is me doing anything (and being whoever I need to be) so that I get my fix.

That is what is fucked up.

The issue is it gives women so much power over me.

When I need a fix, they are my dealer.

I don’t think it is a healthy relationship.

That is why I my life always goes down the toilet when I am in relationships. I become like a junkie and everything else takes a backseat.

My primary aim becomes meeting the needs of my woman so that I can keep getting my fix.

I seriously think I am addicted to female energy.

I crave the feeling of being around them.

When I don’t have a girlfriend, I am fine however when I am intimate with someone it all changes.

The feeling of being with someone is so warm and juicy. It envelopes me and I don’t want to lose it. When I fuck with someone I am seriously gone for 2-3 days. It feels a bit like having a sex hangover. I go into withdrawal from the energy of it.

It’s fucking intense.

So who is she really?

If she is not here to play the other side of me, who is she?

A strong woman.

Why be in a relationship with her if she is not willing to play the other side of me?

Is there any value in it?

If so, what is the value of Ali?

What is the value of being in a relationship with Ali?

What is the deal with not wanting to be responsible for my own life?

Especially when I am around women.

I have a tendancy to defer to them.

Maybe it was never her fault.

I blamed her for it all.

The most impactfull times in our relationship have been when she has dropped the ball. For some reason she has bailed out and avoided playing with me.

She probably unconsciously felt the pressure and beared the weight of my needs.

Whenever she bailed (really just following her own desires), I flipped out. Why?

Because I needed her.

Maybe I am the problem.

Maybe I wanted a powerful woman on my side because I needed her. Not trusting that I could create the life I wanted to create on my own.

I depended on her. And needed her partnership.

When we met, I was doing a lot of personal development and was in a really powerful structure. I only left that structure when we got married.

Here is the deal with me and Ali.

Ali is a powerful woman. Probably more powerful than any I have ever known.

She is impenetrable.

We have been married for nine years and are heading for divorce. In some ways it is a relief but more than anything it is profoundly sad.

She would be an awesome partner in life. The problem is that, in my experience, she is unable to partner me.

If we were working together we could create anything. The world wouldn’t stand a chance. Instead we battle each other and can create nothing.

That is why I want a divorce.

Here is the cycle of me in relationships. Life is going along fine. I am sailing along creating for myself, building a life. Then something happens. I meet someone and what feels wonderful for me is the opportunity to contribute to another.

The problem is that the feeling of contributing to another is almost an addiction for me. I move into a caretaking role and can’t stop. Meanwhile the other person gets more and more empowered and my life goes steadily down the swanee.

It is a cycle I need to break.

It doesn’t really serve me or the other person. They may not even want me to keep contributing to them. The neediness is on my part. I need to keep contributing. This is the feeling I am addicted to.

I think it goes back to when I was 5. My mum and Dad had an argument at which point my mother sat down, cried and said “That’s it. I am leaving. Nobody loves me in this house.”

I then went up to my mother and said. “I love you mummy”. She looked at me with love in her eyes, started crying more and gave me the biggest cuddle ever.

I still remember the feeling and I think this is the feeling I am addicted to.

This feeling to me feels like love.

First post so here is a quick breakdown.

Married with three kids. Working at developing my own consulting business. Split up with my wife 18 months ago although still living together under the same roof. Currently looking at getting a divorce. Not sure whether divorce is appropriate or not and currently in the enquiry about it.

Have a girlfriend I am also currently seeing.

A couple of years ago I started meditating which opened up a whole new way of looking at life. Over the last few month I have not been meditating so much. Been trying to come back to an earthly place.

At the moment I am very disoriented. Looking at divorce is very destabilsing.

I need to keep bring myself back to me and creating from there.

Speak soon.