#losingpower

Here is the cycle of me in relationships. Life is going along fine. I am sailing along creating for myself, building a life. Then something happens. I meet someone and what feels wonderful for me is the opportunity to contribute to another.

The problem is that the feeling of contributing to another is almost an addiction for me. I move into a caretaking role and can’t stop. Meanwhile the other person gets more and more empowered and my life goes steadily down the swanee.

It is a cycle I need to break.

It doesn’t really serve me or the other person. They may not even want me to keep contributing to them. The neediness is on my part. I need to keep contributing. This is the feeling I am addicted to.

I think it goes back to when I was 5. My mum and Dad had an argument at which point my mother sat down, cried and said “That’s it. I am leaving. Nobody loves me in this house.”

I then went up to my mother and said. “I love you mummy”. She looked at me with love in her eyes, started crying more and gave me the biggest cuddle ever.

I still remember the feeling and I think this is the feeling I am addicted to.

This feeling to me feels like love.