Jay

Aren't we too young to feel like this? What happened to when we were kids? Things were so much better back then, we could actually laugh without a worry in the world.

We could be more carefree and happy, but now?

Now we're growing up and we see the harsh reality life has to offer.

Now? We're experiencing new thoughts, feelings... And yet, we're still so young. We shouldn't be feeling like this.

Aren't we too young to be so stressed all the time?

Aren't we too young to be this sad? This depressed?

We're still kids, after all. Just older.

No one notices how many nights I was stuck crying late at night in my room, behind my closed door alone when no one was watching.

No one notices how many times I've lost hope, how many times I've been let down.

No one notices how many times I've felt like I was about to snap but didn't for the sake of others.

No one notices the fact that I put others needs and happiness before my own.

No one notices how much I fake my smiles or force my laughter, even when I'm sad.

No one notices the fact that I try to make others laugh because I rather see people around me happy than myself.

It's too much.

I can't breathe.

What's wrong with me?

I feel suffocated.

Like I'm in the middle of the ocean and a wave just pulled me under and I can’t manage to pull myself back up.

My chest is tight, and my lungs burn.

My whole body is shaking.

My knees are drawn up to my chest, and I have my back against the wall.

My breathing is heavy and ragged, why does it hurt to breathe?

I'm frozen. Why can't I move?

It's like time has stopped around me.

My visions all blurry and I can't see clearly.

My head hurts so much, I feel dizzy.

My heart is beating so fast it feels like it's going to rip out of my chest any minute now.

How do I make it stop?

I'm scared.

Great... Just what I wanted. Another apology.

Just what I wanted, another promise that isn't going to be made.

We both know you don't mean anything, so why bother?

Why bother throwing me apology after apology? Nothings going to change. It never does. You always end up falling back into the same old pattern. And honestly? I'm tired of hearing it.

Where is she? I'm standing here outside this restaurant, dressed in my best clothes...

I even got her favorite flowers... Red roses, I saved up enough to buy her that locket she found in the window of that shop the other day.

But where is she? She's no where in sight.

I've been standing here for an hour now, unfamiliar faces walking up and down the street. But where's hers?

Is she even coming? Did she just stand me up?

I was really looking forward to seeing her tonight, but it seems she may have had other plans. Maybe something came up?

Have you ever loved someone you couldn't have?

They’re so close yet so far,

Like you have to control your love for them no matter how hard it is.

All you want to do when they're near is hold them, kiss them, touch them.

You want to be there for them,

Hold them close at night,

Protect them,

Love them,

Cherish them,

Be there for them when they’re sad,

You just want to make them smile and make them happy.

You want to be their one and only,

You don't want them just physically, but emotionally too.

But you can't have them.

Instead, you have to control those feelings.

You can't let them out no matter how hard it is.

And it hurts. So much.

To love someone but having to control yourself,

But all you want to do is lose control,

All you want to do is grab them and kiss them until you're both out of breath.

I met a stranger today,

But it was weird.

Somehow they didn't feel like a stranger, but as if I knew them.

It was strange that I knew everything about them.

Their favorite color,

Movie,

What books they liked.

I knew their schedule like when they went to bed, when they woke up…

I remembered what music they liked listening to,

How they loved to sketch cute little drawings when they were bored.

I remembered what scent they liked,

Their favorite food,

How they preferred home cooked meals over eating out.

They preferred staying in rather than going out partying with friends and stuff like that…

I remember how their eyes lit up when they got excited or talked about their favorite things.

I knew everything about them

All the quiet shared moments spent together.

Living your life the way you want to go,

Is it that easy?

Things don't turn out right,

They never go as the way as you wish they might,

You never really know...

Some people have a lucky streak,

Things tend to go their way more,

Laughing and enjoying what they really don't deserve,

Or maybe... Is it luck? Perhaps they have more nerve.

Don't you wish that sometimes you had the key?

That just lets you do what you like to do,

And find some luck intended just for you?

Or is that too selfish?... No, I don't think so.

You wish to find the key,

Hoping to be where you want to be.

Don’t waist your time writing some sinister plan,

Death is beautiful,

It sounds so peaceful, doesn't it?

To lie in the grass,

To feel the earth underneath your skin,

To listen to the silence,

To have no yesterday or tomorrow.

To not worry about anything anymore.

To not be tired,

To just be at peace.

To die is to finally live.

Sounds ironic, doesn't it?

I don't crave death itself,

But the quietness that follows it.

The cold,

The calm,

I think the worst type of crying is the silent one.

The one where you feel your throat tighten up and your eyes blur with tears.

The one where you just want to scream, break down, and let everything out.

The one where you hold your breath, bury your face in your pillow and try to keep quiet.

The one where you curl up, hold your stomach and your chest because it starts to hurt.

Silent tears hold the loudest pain.

You sit alone at night deep in your thoughts,

When no ones around,

When everyone's asleep,

When your doors closed,

They say one of the scariest things to do is show your emotions.

Become vulnerable...

I find that to be true.

It is scary.

To show how completely and utterly broken you really are.

To let your guard down and lower your walls you've spent forever building.

And yet it sucks so much. The feeling of wanting to be vulnerable but can't.

The feeling of wanting to break down into someone's arms and let it all out but you can't. The feeling of being terrified of showing any ounce of vulnerability.

But you know what's really fucked up?

The fact that you actually want to let go, that you fucking ache to be vulnerable... But you're too scared. Too fucking terrified that if you start, you'll never stop. That once you let the walls down, you'll be completely exposed, raw, and at the mercy of anyone who sees you.

You want someone to see you so badly it hurts.

You want them to notice how you genuinely just want to cry it out, scream, curse the world.... But won't.

Because you're scared of what might happen next.

Answer one question for me though,

When was the last time you felt something deeply? Like, really felt joy, sorrow, anger... anything intense?

Awhile, right? How lonely it must be...

How long you've been living in the emotional isolation.

Most people wear their hearts on their sleeves - you've buried yours so deep you can't even feel it beating anymore.

I met my younger self today.

She slept 8 hours,

My eyes felt heavy.

She was sober,

I was high.

She got a milk tea,

I got an energy drink.

She was talkative,

I was quiet.

She was social,

I kept to myself.

She talked to people easily,

I was awkward and struggled.

She didn't have a care in the world,

I worried about every little

thing.

She had spark in her eyes,

Mine faded.

She hated herself,

So did I.

She wished someone would save her,

I avoid help.

She said she was sad,

I said I’m depressed.

She couldn’t recognize me,

I wonder what goes on in your head.

I wonder if you're okay or not.

I wonder if you actually like me.

I wonder what comes to mind when you hear my name, or when you think of me, or when you get a message from me.

I wonder if you actually take good care of yourself or not.

Do you eat enough?

Do you get enough rest?

Sometimes I sit here for hours wondering what you’re up to, or if you’re busy.

What's your favorite movie?

What do you do in your free time?

Do you like mornings? Or hate them like I do?

Do you prefer sweet or salty things? Or maybe spicy?

I was walking with my partner one evening, hand-in-hand. Everything seemed alright, we were laughing, chatting, joking around... The usual. But they suddenly turned serious, they looked over at me. I stopped walking and asked,

“Something wrong?”

They took a deep breath and looked down at the ground,

“What does it feel like to love me?... "

They asked quietly. I paused. I wasn’t expecting them to ask that… But I decided to answer truthfully.

I was quietly eating dinner with my brother one night, he could tell something was on my mind. He turned to me and asked,

“What’s wrong?”

I decided to be honest and so I asked him:

“if someone blushes around you a lot, and won't look you in the eye, and runs away from you when you touch them...

What does that mean?”

"Well... They have a crush on you.”

I felt my body tense up at the word. ‘Crush'.

“A crush?”

"Yeah. They like you romantically. Y’know, they wanna kiss you, hug you, date you, stuff like that.”

I looked down at my hands, taking a moment to process the words. "I guess that makes sense”, I thought to myself. After a few minutes I sighed and slowly looked up to my brother who was still eating.

"What if they make you.... Burn?"

My brother looked up at me with a raised eyebrow as I continued talking,

“When all you want to do is be beside them, and hold them, even if they hurt you.... When they feel like home, make you feel safe in a way you’ve never felt before. When you can't stop thinking about them... When everything they do makes you want to know them even better, and hold them even closer, even when it’s… totally pathetic... What is that?"

"That's love.”

“Love?”

"Well, they look pretty similar on a person… Crushes and love. Blushing, stuff like that. But the difference is in the look."

“The look?…”

"When someone has a crush on you, their eyes are filled with thrill. They’re bright, they're explosive. When someone's in love, their eyes are filled with admiration and comfort, longing."

𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓵𝓸𝓸𝓴 𝓸𝓯 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮 ᰔᩚ

The human mind is truly the scariest thing of all.

People tend to let their own thoughts consume them.

When they're in a dark room, laying in bed and alone.

The room is silent but their mind is not.

The human mind can do many things,

It can take the purest soul and make them feel disgusting.

It can make even the most beautiful people feel ugly.

The mind can make us believe things that are far from the truth.

You have this negative voice in the back of your head telling you that you aren't good enough. You will never be good enough.

It makes you doubt your own worth.

Sometimes, it makes you question why you even still try.

Why you're even still here.

Is it all really worth it?

It makes you question the reality of things because your mind is so clouded by your own thoughts you can't think properly for yourself.

Your mind seems to twist and turn things. It manipulates you.

You try to push those thoughts away but they just keep getting stronger and louder. They drain you, completely.

They make you tired,

Until you just lay there in silence,

Giving up,