Existential Accidents

Courage

It's a funny thing, courage. You can only be really courageous when you truly are scared. If you lack it, then you can't become courageous because you have to know what is at risk. Most times it seems all you've got to lose is your dignity or your self respect. But what if people laugh? What if I fail and make everything worse? 

These were the thoughts going round my head tonight, as I stood in front of an audience pretending to be a nineteenth century surgeon. Yes I'm talking about acting. It was my year 13 drama friends and family performance and I was literally freaking out. Just merely two hours ago, our play felt like a shambles of badly written scenes. As me and Lizzie ( my fellow thespian) sat there watching the other group's pieces, all I was thinking was how ours was the worst thing imaginable. We were doomed to fail. It was certain. we had failed, and we hadn't even got on stage yet. This was the end. My petty little life had been leading up to this one moment for me to be slaughtered by the audience. This wasn't just my reputation at stake, but my A level. And I needed a good A level.

I must not cock up, I must not cock up, I must not cock up.

Well to let you all know, I didn't cock up like a thought I did (well slightly) and even on my worst scene, which had previously been absolutely terrible as I'd forgotten my lines, Worked well in the actual performance. Lizzie had to stop herself from screaming in delight when the scene was finished and so was I.

I could have not gone on stage. That was how scared I was. Terrified. Petrified. Horrified. You get the point. But I did it, despite my constant cold sweat, which had intensified under the harsh stage lights. My heart beating as fast as a humming bird's continuous flapping. I was darn right scared. But I did it anyway. and I pulled through. Now if that isn't courage I don't know what is. Of course I'll still work on this courage malarky, but all I can say is that I'm improving and well gosh darn it that's good enough for me.

Cheers Aristotle, I'll tick that one off.

Courage √

temperence

liberality

magnificence

magnanimity

proper ambition

patience

truthfulness

wittiness

friendliness

modesty

righteous indignation

art or technical skills

scientific knowledge

prudence

intelligence

wisdom

resourcefulness

understanding

judgement

cleverness

What Ho!

It seems there is a way I can become a better person! looks like everything is going to be okay!

I was worried for a second until This homie named Aristotle rolled up in my hood, spreading the good word. He was all like " yeah man, the only way a homie can better himself is to become a cooler cat".

I mean that's not a direct quote from the man himself, but you get my point. It's all about being virtuous. You know, like virtues and vices? Well anyway, the jist of it is that one has to become a virtuous person rather than just doing virtuous things. In order to truly change, a man must change his heart. So if I'm going about this changing business, then that's where I have to start.

So where do I start?

Well it seems there is a list of virtues that one must attain. uh:

Courage

temperence

liberality

magnificence

magnanimity

proper ambition

patience

truthfulness

wittiness

friendliness

modesty

righteous indignation

art or technical skills

scientific knowledge

prudence

intelligence

wisdom

resourcefulness

understanding

judgement

cleverness

Bloody hell, he's not asking for much is he!

It's all fine and dandy feeling sorry for one's self, but that's not the reason I'm making these posts. I want to change, but the only way I can do that is if I know what to change. So I must reflect on who I am as a person and who I want to be. But who am I? Last post may have seemed a bit heavy on the whole "I'm ugly and I have no girlfriend, my life means nothing whatsofuckingever", but trust me, that was just me ranting about what i think was the main cause for me wanting to change. To put it simply, I'm unhappy.

unhappiness is one of those things that stays with you no matter what. I am unhappy. I may laugh and smile at things and people, but that does not mean I am happy. Confused? you should be. One problem with being happy is that in order to be it, one must also not be unhappy. so in order to be not unhappy, I have to change, because no one is going to change for me.

I need to be more love in my life. Both friendship and romantic. Love is what makes the world go round, but right now, my world seems to be turning very, very slowly.

Sure, I have friends, but not many, and the friends I do have, I would like to be closer with. It seems only too easy to just say "just go out and make friends!", but that's hard. friendship is a two way street. It needs two people to cooperate and work together. But right now I feel lonely.

I like myself, but I also hate myself sometimes.

sometimes.

I wish my personality was the reason that people don't exactly want to get to know me, but deep down I know that would be too easy to change. No, it's more deep rooted than that. When it comes down to it, everything is about first impressions, and no matter what people say, everyone judges on appearance. We all do it, even me. Yes me! I'm overweight, I have (or had) bad teeth , I'm not that handsome and I wear glasses. No wonder everyone wants to get to know me!

Popularity and success are governed by two things in my eyes - money and looks. Now that may be quite a cynical look at life but I believe deep down that everyone knows this. Maybe if I read this back in a few years I will have a different look on life, but right now, that is what I have experienced. It seems only the rich and good looking "win" in "society". I use those two words loosely, as both are only meaningful to those who actually follow such rules set by society. You may be rich but really ugly, or you may be quite good looking but dirt poor. For me, I am both poor and ugly.  

I win.

I can try and improve my looks but then i would be self involved and conceited, so again, I win. I don't want to use my asthma as an excuse for me being overweight, so I don't. But it is a problem and it does affect me. But i have to "man up", but even then, it's still there. It always is.

Even mentioning that this post is meta, in itself is meta.

Infinite digress.

I think everything stems from me feeling unheard, unappreciated, unloved. I am just a speck of dust in other people's lives. Nothing would be different if I didn't exist. Of course, things that have happened to me wouldn't have happened, but I haven't made any impact in anyone's lives or in the world at all. You may put that down to me still being young and not living life to it's fullest yet, but still, I have mad to ripples in the ocean of life (what a cliche saying).

I have never been loved - like actually loved. Never had a girlfriend, or even a love interest. Never had a real kiss, and fuck me I'm nearly twenty. I always put it down to my weight or my teeth, but truthfully it's because I am scared. I am scared to put myself out there. I have no courage and I am ashamed of myself for it. And where does that feeling come from? my looks. yes. who would want to be with me based on my looks? Let me remind you, I haven't even started on my personality yet.

So what have I realised? I am just just a scared little boy who isn't able to do anything. And why? Because fucking society that's why.

What's the point is writing this. Even at this moment I am thinking of what I actually want to say and am thinking of how to write it. I am copying my thoughts. Even if I do write down the truth, am I being truly truthful to myself?