PBAK

4/30/2016 @ 3:50 AM

Everything is set and ready to go. And tonight I’ve never felt more ready to leave this place. I am ready to start my life back home. I have much to look forward to. To see my beloved family once more, and the ones I care about.

Trying to think what to do right now. Really cold in my room. Kind of want to pack, and get ready. Kind of want to shower, kind of want to sleep. Kind of want to plan out my next month on paper. Kind of want to be at Duck lake to watch the sun rise, no matter how I won’t see the sun rise.... (referring to how the Sun rises in the east....)

4/28/2016 @ 11:43 PM 

Today we accomplished little with some documents that have to be filled out and done. Home now, organized a little bit (books, more things). 

Emails to Rob and Liz. They told me how sorry they are that they couldn’t help. And I feel bad to. But truthfully I don’t think they could have done anything.

Really just on the borderline on everything. Going to school tomorrow at 11:30 am, and after that, will come back home. Then I will see Mariposa today at the end of the school day.

Feeling very torn. Between staying and leaving.

I don’t want to say leave my friends here. I have made so many great friends here. And my beautiful family here that I just am starting to get to know. How can I tell them before them I was someone different and for that I have to leave? They don’t deserve such hurt like that. And my family, how am I going to say this? I don’t want to leave. 

How am I going to tell my piano teacher that things didn’t work out in the end and we can’t continue classes? I am his best student. 

How am I going to tell Vannia that I have to go? I don’t want to leave her alone in class with no one to go to. How will I be there for her when she is sad or lonely? Tell me Lord... how?

How will I pack how my things? I haven’t even finished my photo album. 

How am I even going to manage to pack again? I am tired of packing and moving. How will I be able to do it again, especially when I just landed in a place where it’s as good as Heaven?

The thing is that with my last host family I did so many things that I didn’t care about. I almost was asking to get set home or anything. I knew what I was doing but I turned a cold shoulder to everything. I barely made it living with them, literally.

I try not to think about it though. Because now I am with people that are the complete opposites. 

My host family now and Rotary realize that too. They realize that with my last family school affected me in my host family house, vice versa. And that I wasn’t in a good or safe place. 

I remember even taking videos of myself and saying I don’t care if I go home for this. 

Now here I am with a new family, the best, nicest and caring family. I feel so happy with them.

Just finished dinner and talked with host family. Happier to be home.

Rotary presentations went well.. Richi and Tiana went. Next is me and Agustin.

Anyway, my consoler and Elba spoke to me. Mama was there so that made me feel better.

------ early today -------

thoughts: I was looking at jobs, but it wasn’t working because I am here...I really wish I could be home, but of course I don’t want that right now. Now... it’s like I am happier with this family, I am better and have learned a lot.

------- now ------

   Tomorrow I will be with mama and then we will go to school with Louisa (my consoler)

I cried a little on the way back to the car. But I stopped in the car. I just feel so comfortable with this new family.