[RP/ask blog] Unreality CW: This is a fictional organisation

"Most of the department here knows who I am, yes, but that is more a result of me hiring people with naturally high resistances to antimemetic effects than any particular strategy. I'm also not entirely certain what solution you're expecting to my antimemetic properties. It's not something than can really be solved by any conventional definition."

"I'll be sure to contact you regularly. If you receive the same message multiple times, don't worry, that's just my automated redundancy system kicking in, because even machines have trouble remembering I exist. I'm sure you understand. Oh, and if would like someone who is a little more on your wavelength, I'd give Dr Forrest or HoAS a visit, though the latter might be a little… unscientific for your tastes."

"Most of the department here knows who I am, yes, but that is more a result of me hiring people with naturally high resistances to antimemetic effects than any particular strategy. I'm also not entirely certain what solution you're expecting to my antimemetic properties. It's not something than can really be solved by any conventional definition."

"Most of the department here knows who I am, yes, but that is more a result of me hiring people with naturally high resistances to antimemetic effects than any particular strategy. I'm also not entirely certain what solution you're expecting to my antimemetic properties. It's not something than can really be solved by any conventional definition."

Down by the lake, there rests a pale light. A focused presence, simply sitting above the shore. A large octahedral crystal rests in their lap. Its eyes are closed, but they are Looking out at the lake, not paying much attention to any whom might approach. Perhaps it is pondering something.

Sage approaches, taking a seat next to the light in an understanding silence. Though they offer no words, it is clear they seek only to provide the presence of comfort.

The short thing shifts away from Sage, whilst trying to maintain its specific view of the lake. The crystal seems to having shifting lights across its surface.

Sage doesn't move any closer, remaining sat in silence. A subtle wave of their hand and the clouds above shift slightly, changing trajectories to keep them shaded while the other's lighting remain unchanged.

Down by the lake, there rests a pale light. A focused presence, simply sitting above the shore. A large octahedral crystal rests in their lap. Its eyes are closed, but they are Looking out at the lake, not paying much attention to any whom might approach. Perhaps it is pondering something.

Sage approaches, taking a seat next to the light in an understanding silence. Though they offer no words, it is clear they seek only to provide the presence of comfort.

"I had a feeling you might say that." Dr Forrest takes the coffee before continuing. "Pataphysics is incredibly useful. Despite the scope of experiments in this field being limited to the more traditional application of attempting to falsify hypotheses, as opposed to the classical mad scientist trope of doing science for science's sake, most people still dismiss them as absurd due to their doubt over the validity of the hypothesis being tested. Still, I find them quite fascinating due to the unique mechanisms and apparatus required for pataphysics research."

"What sort of apparatus is that?" Merlyn asks, finally taking a sip of the tea.

"Well, for example, you could have a device that measures narrative adherence to the archetype of the hero. Such a device would need to, first, be able to measure 'hero-ness' and, second, be able to compare that measurement to the idealised concept of the hero. I'm sure that, given your doubtlessly genius-level intellect, you can imagine the intricacies and complexities that such a device would require just to be designed, let alone built."

"Yes, I can," they frown. "Would they need to be returned according to different culture's values and the qualities assigned to their heroes, or do these 'authors' have a unified approach to such things?"

"Oh, well of course the culture of the author must be taken into account, so any self-respecting pataphysicist would have determined that within their hypothesis. Luckily, the authors that write our reality come from a reality similar enough to it that the comparison can be validly drawn."

"What proofs determined that?" She asks, eyes shining with interest.

"Well, the hypothesis was first thought unfalsifiable. However, it has been independently tested multiple times by various organisations with various pataphysics departments. Each one came to a different conclusion, of course, as each was written by a different set of authors. I simply did a cross-referencing of various extranormal phenomena across various different worlds and found the common narrative themes tying them all together, before further cross-referencing the data with known rewrites of reality. Then it was simply a case of comparing results with the other research done on the topic that uncovered those other researchers' authors, which left the conclusion that the authors of this reality have written a version of their own with various modifications and tweaks."

"And how can you tell which author is responsible for what? I may have some... Choice Words... for a few of them," they say darkly, and thunder booms again, much closer this time.

"Well, pinpointing the actual identity of an author is nearly impossible, but every author has their narrative fingerprints that can be used to track their influence on our reality. It's far easier to determine more general things about authors, such as their cultural storytelling framework. As for communicating with them, if you so much as think out into the great beyond they will likely hear it."

"Ah, but yelling in a face is so much more satisfying than yelling at the sky," they sigh. "Still, perhaps you might be able to offer an interesting perspective on a question which has long plagued me? I could not help but notice you had Thoughts on that first peal of thunder, and it is related."

"If it helps, you can always imagine or create a face to yell at. And, yes, I do have thoughts about your thunder, though I am unsure as to whether they will be helpful to you."

"I have always been curious about why storms seem to follow me," they shrug. "But as of yet have been unable to reach a satisfactory answer. Certain medical conditions make looking into a magical explanation difficult, for one thing, and there is most certainly not a conventional explanation. If your thoughts are not helpful, well, then nothing has changed."

"Oh, why, it's for dramatic effect of course!" Dr Forrest speaks in such a matter-of-fact way, as if this was plainly obvious and the only reasonable explanation. Perhaps overestimating Merlyn's comprehension of pataphysics, they make no show of elaborating and the statement is simply left to end.

"Sure, but why me? What makes a moment dramatic enough? Is there a non-pataphysical mechanism through which the effect is achieved? Did it really need to make me get rained on all the time?"

"To answer your questions in order:" Forrest pauses to take a breath, "because you're as close to an archetypal mad scientist as most people could reasonably get, and every mad scientist needs drama; any moment can be dramatic enough, it just requires the right timing and framing, I could recommend some great fiction with similar effects for you to get the gist of the narrative device; there are always non-pataphysical mechanisms for these things, most commonly they're what most people refer to as 'coincidences'; and it didn't but I would assume that the authors found that to be a humorous logical extension of the trope and so included it within the narrative." Forrest takes a second breath. "Did you catch all that, or would you like me to repeat?"

"No repeat necessary, thank you," they frown again. "I will probably still look into other explanations. I know enough about tropes and my own life to say that, if all this really is just the actions of a higher being, they probably cared enough about logical explanations of things to have given the thunder one as well. My archetype works better when things are explained, even if just with barely comprehensible jargon."

"Of course, and I will leave that investigation to you, as it is far further into your court than I could ever hope to reach with confidence intact. Meteorology always was one of my weaker subjects, and none of my doctorates even come close to it. I'm sure you will have many a new word to coin in that pursuit."

"Ah, we'll see," she chuckles. "Enough about that, though. Would you be interested in joining the union? Would any of your peers here, that you know of? I can answer any questions you might have about it, of course."

"Well, I know of a colleague who would love to join. Sadly, your mind is wholly incapable of registering the existence of. So even if I told you, you would immediately forget what you just heard, as has happened--" they look down at a screen "five times thus far. Aside from that conundrum, I imagine that Zudraann would be quite receptive, though his guild membership may prove an obstacle. Twobens may if his mood suits him at the time, but you would likely need to send someone else as I am unsure your hazmat suit would provide enough protection from his inherently strong magical nature. As for myself, I see no reason why I shouldn't join, so I might as well."

"Oh, we have no issues with funding here, but the thought is greatly appreciated. Now, let me read through this paperwork." They take some time with their review of the rules, before putting the papers back down. "Well, I have encountered a singular potential issue. If I am to give records of my projects, the union would be required to follow mildly strict and extremely annoying secrecy policies in order to keep them, thanks to the two largest players in the extranormal sphere. I do hope that this isn't too terrible of an inconvenience to you."

"We can make that work," she says. "Though, if that is a restriction you would like removed, we can also fight for that." Lightning flashes outside the window.

"As much as I would love for the removal of that restriction to be possible, there is no fighting the combined might of the Jailors, Bookburners, and their allies for organisations like the two of ours. They will do anything to protect their precious normalcy, including wiping the both of us from history, and they more than have the means to do so."

"We would have to hit them so thoroughly they can't bounce back, and all at once," they frown. "My time machine can help with that, but that's not enough. Gary could do a lot of damage and they shouldn't be able to edit It out of existence, since it Is existence... Do you know exactly what affords them that power? If we could target that first it would be much simpler."

"Their power is drawn from a wide variety of sources across history, and they have their own chronokinetic devices that safeguard them against attacks exactly like the one you're proposing. As for this Gary of which you speak, I do not doubt that they would find some way to neutralise it. And there is, even if all else fails for them, their human reboot machine, so they could wipe this world clean and start again, preserving themselves above all else of course, as they have done before. I am sorry to tell you that fighting the Jailors would be an all-out war, and it is not one we are likely to win."

"I'm familiar with the word memetic, but not 'anti-memetics.' What is that?"

"Impressive! I'd be tempted to learn a trick like that myself if it wasn't wholly redundant. Studying antimemes as closely as I and my department do tends to give you some familiar properties. Most people have to take a cocktail of drugs to even notice my existence. Some people are unlucky enough not to need that, and I tend to try to hire those people. I can tell you're something more than human, so I'll assume that has something to do with how your mind can actually acknowledge my presence."

"Thank you, I'm glad I could impress a somnioform being, even if only with a standard skill on the job! As for where we are, this is the OSHA branch of EWO's headquarters. If you aren't familiar with this organisation, I'm sure I can give an explanation."

Mike squints suspiciously. "If you oppose the policy then why participate at all? Why not just refuse to uphold it?"

"Hm. Fair enough," Mike nods sympathetically. "...So are you guys aware that Star Trek is real and we're not the real original Earth? Or is that outside the scope of even your veil?"

"I cannot speak for the rest of the organisation, but I myself am aware that 'Star Trek is real'. As for the second statement, I would require clarification as to what you are defining as 'the real original Earth'. I would imagine that at least one department would have that knowledge, though."

"Ah, and there's what I can only assume to be the pataphysics coming to bite me right in the ass for mentioning it." They laugh slightly to themself. "I believe they're officially referred to as 'authors' in the literature, if I'm right about what I think you're talking about."

"I have no idea what pataphysics are, but these guys are very specifically bloggers. I know first-hand. They have this thing called a 'Discord server' too but it's of dubious and inconsistent canonicity and there's patches of it that I can't directly see."

"Oh, pataphysics is just 'we know this universe is fictional so we're going to study it like it's a book'. Uses tropes and narrative and a whole bunch of other bullshit that's outside my department's court. I'm sure Dr Forrest could talk your ears off until one of you stops being able to hold a conversation. I don't know why, but pataphysics as a field tends to attract people who are incapable of being concise."

"Mm. Okay, yeah, yeah I do have a tendency to run my mouth at times. Anyway enough about the bloggers, what kind of stuff do you actually enjoy studying here? I might be able to give you a hand."

"Well, I wouldn't be in this field if I didn't enjoy what I study. There's hardly anything I do, research-wise, that I don't enjoy. As for the hand, I'm not sure your lack of training and expertise in this field would allow you to be of much assistance, no offence."

"I can help you study memetics from inside the memes. We're standing inside of a concept, does that not interest you?"

"With the memes and antimemes we study in this department, that would be a lethally hazardous way to study them. Even knowing some of them exist can be deadly, so I'd hate to know what being inside of them would do to you."

"While travelling between worlds and timelines is well within my grasp thanks to the facilities here at the EWO, the theory and technology behind it are definitely outside of my expertise. Regardless, thank you for not leaving me inside of orange."

"Very true. Having the general population be unable to perceive, conceptualise, recognise, or remember another colour would not be good, and anyone capable of finding out who was responsible would not treat anyone involved kindly."

"I don't think I do, actually. You've already answered any I might have wanted to ask. I assume that means you'll be taking your leave soon?"

"I'm familiar with the word memetic, but not 'anti-memetics.' What is that?"

"Impressive! I'd be tempted to learn a trick like that myself if it wasn't wholly redundant. Studying antimemes as closely as I and my department do tends to give you some familiar properties. Most people have to take a cocktail of drugs to even notice my existence. Some people are unlucky enough not to need that, and I tend to try to hire those people. I can tell you're something more than human, so I'll assume that has something to do with how your mind can actually acknowledge my presence."

"Thank you, I'm glad I could impress a somnioform being, even if only with a standard skill on the job! As for where we are, this is the OSHA branch of EWO's headquarters. If you aren't familiar with this organisation, I'm sure I can give an explanation."

Mike squints suspiciously. "If you oppose the policy then why participate at all? Why not just refuse to uphold it?"

"Hm. Fair enough," Mike nods sympathetically. "...So are you guys aware that Star Trek is real and we're not the real original Earth? Or is that outside the scope of even your veil?"

"I cannot speak for the rest of the organisation, but I myself am aware that 'Star Trek is real'. As for the second statement, I would require clarification as to what you are defining as 'the real original Earth'. I would imagine that at least one department would have that knowledge, though."

"Ah, and there's what I can only assume to be the pataphysics coming to bite me right in the ass for mentioning it." They laugh slightly to themself. "I believe they're officially referred to as 'authors' in the literature, if I'm right about what I think you're talking about."

"I have no idea what pataphysics are, but these guys are very specifically bloggers. I know first-hand. They have this thing called a 'Discord server' too but it's of dubious and inconsistent canonicity and there's patches of it that I can't directly see."

"Oh, pataphysics is just 'we know this universe is fictional so we're going to study it like it's a book'. Uses tropes and narrative and a whole bunch of other bullshit that's outside my department's court. I'm sure Dr Forrest could talk your ears off until one of you stops being able to hold a conversation. I don't know why, but pataphysics as a field tends to attract people who are incapable of being concise."

"Mm. Okay, yeah, yeah I do have a tendency to run my mouth at times. Anyway enough about the bloggers, what kind of stuff do you actually enjoy studying here? I might be able to give you a hand."

"Well, I wouldn't be in this field if I didn't enjoy what I study. There's hardly anything I do, research-wise, that I don't enjoy. As for the hand, I'm not sure your lack of training and expertise in this field would allow you to be of much assistance, no offence."

"I can help you study memetics from inside the memes. We're standing inside of a concept, does that not interest you?"

"With the memes and antimemes we study in this department, that would be a lethally hazardous way to study them. Even knowing some of them exist can be deadly, so I'd hate to know what being inside of them would do to you."

"While travelling between worlds and timelines is well within my grasp thanks to the facilities here at the EWO, the theory and technology behind it are definitely outside of my expertise. Regardless, thank you for not leaving me inside of orange."

"Very true. Having the general population be unable to perceive, conceptualise, recognise, or remember another colour would not be good, and anyone capable of finding out who was responsible would not treat anyone involved kindly."

"I'm familiar with the word memetic, but not 'anti-memetics.' What is that?"

"Impressive! I'd be tempted to learn a trick like that myself if it wasn't wholly redundant. Studying antimemes as closely as I and my department do tends to give you some familiar properties. Most people have to take a cocktail of drugs to even notice my existence. Some people are unlucky enough not to need that, and I tend to try to hire those people. I can tell you're something more than human, so I'll assume that has something to do with how your mind can actually acknowledge my presence."

"Thank you, I'm glad I could impress a somnioform being, even if only with a standard skill on the job! As for where we are, this is the OSHA branch of EWO's headquarters. If you aren't familiar with this organisation, I'm sure I can give an explanation."

Mike squints suspiciously. "If you oppose the policy then why participate at all? Why not just refuse to uphold it?"

"Hm. Fair enough," Mike nods sympathetically. "...So are you guys aware that Star Trek is real and we're not the real original Earth? Or is that outside the scope of even your veil?"

"I cannot speak for the rest of the organisation, but I myself am aware that 'Star Trek is real'. As for the second statement, I would require clarification as to what you are defining as 'the real original Earth'. I would imagine that at least one department would have that knowledge, though."

"Ah, and there's what I can only assume to be the pataphysics coming to bite me right in the ass for mentioning it." They laugh slightly to themself. "I believe they're officially referred to as 'authors' in the literature, if I'm right about what I think you're talking about."

"I have no idea what pataphysics are, but these guys are very specifically bloggers. I know first-hand. They have this thing called a 'Discord server' too but it's of dubious and inconsistent canonicity and there's patches of it that I can't directly see."

"Oh, pataphysics is just 'we know this universe is fictional so we're going to study it like it's a book'. Uses tropes and narrative and a whole bunch of other bullshit that's outside my department's court. I'm sure Dr Forrest could talk your ears off until one of you stops being able to hold a conversation. I don't know why, but pataphysics as a field tends to attract people who are incapable of being concise."

"Mm. Okay, yeah, yeah I do have a tendency to run my mouth at times. Anyway enough about the bloggers, what kind of stuff do you actually enjoy studying here? I might be able to give you a hand."

"Well, I wouldn't be in this field if I didn't enjoy what I study. There's hardly anything I do, research-wise, that I don't enjoy. As for the hand, I'm not sure your lack of training and expertise in this field would allow you to be of much assistance, no offence."

"I can help you study memetics from inside the memes. We're standing inside of a concept, does that not interest you?"

"With the memes and antimemes we study in this department, that would be a lethally hazardous way to study them. Even knowing some of them exist can be deadly, so I'd hate to know what being inside of them would do to you."

"While travelling between worlds and timelines is well within my grasp thanks to the facilities here at the EWO, the theory and technology behind it are definitely outside of my expertise. Regardless, thank you for not leaving me inside of orange."

"I'm familiar with the word memetic, but not 'anti-memetics.' What is that?"

"Impressive! I'd be tempted to learn a trick like that myself if it wasn't wholly redundant. Studying antimemes as closely as I and my department do tends to give you some familiar properties. Most people have to take a cocktail of drugs to even notice my existence. Some people are unlucky enough not to need that, and I tend to try to hire those people. I can tell you're something more than human, so I'll assume that has something to do with how your mind can actually acknowledge my presence."

"Thank you, I'm glad I could impress a somnioform being, even if only with a standard skill on the job! As for where we are, this is the OSHA branch of EWO's headquarters. If you aren't familiar with this organisation, I'm sure I can give an explanation."

Mike squints suspiciously. "If you oppose the policy then why participate at all? Why not just refuse to uphold it?"

"Hm. Fair enough," Mike nods sympathetically. "...So are you guys aware that Star Trek is real and we're not the real original Earth? Or is that outside the scope of even your veil?"

"I cannot speak for the rest of the organisation, but I myself am aware that 'Star Trek is real'. As for the second statement, I would require clarification as to what you are defining as 'the real original Earth'. I would imagine that at least one department would have that knowledge, though."

"Ah, and there's what I can only assume to be the pataphysics coming to bite me right in the ass for mentioning it." They laugh slightly to themself. "I believe they're officially referred to as 'authors' in the literature, if I'm right about what I think you're talking about."

"I have no idea what pataphysics are, but these guys are very specifically bloggers. I know first-hand. They have this thing called a 'Discord server' too but it's of dubious and inconsistent canonicity and there's patches of it that I can't directly see."

"Oh, pataphysics is just 'we know this universe is fictional so we're going to study it like it's a book'. Uses tropes and narrative and a whole bunch of other bullshit that's outside my department's court. I'm sure Dr Forrest could talk your ears off until one of you stops being able to hold a conversation. I don't know why, but pataphysics as a field tends to attract people who are incapable of being concise."

"Mm. Okay, yeah, yeah I do have a tendency to run my mouth at times. Anyway enough about the bloggers, what kind of stuff do you actually enjoy studying here? I might be able to give you a hand."

"Well, I wouldn't be in this field if I didn't enjoy what I study. There's hardly anything I do, research-wise, that I don't enjoy. As for the hand, I'm not sure your lack of training and expertise in this field would allow you to be of much assistance, no offence."

"I can help you study memetics from inside the memes. We're standing inside of a concept, does that not interest you?"

"With the memes and antimemes we study in this department, that would be a lethally hazardous way to study them. Even knowing some of them exist can be deadly, so I'd hate to know what being inside of them would do to you."

"I had a feeling you might say that." Dr Forrest takes the coffee before continuing. "Pataphysics is incredibly useful. Despite the scope of experiments in this field being limited to the more traditional application of attempting to falsify hypotheses, as opposed to the classical mad scientist trope of doing science for science's sake, most people still dismiss them as absurd due to their doubt over the validity of the hypothesis being tested. Still, I find them quite fascinating due to the unique mechanisms and apparatus required for pataphysics research."

"What sort of apparatus is that?" Merlyn asks, finally taking a sip of the tea.

"Well, for example, you could have a device that measures narrative adherence to the archetype of the hero. Such a device would need to, first, be able to measure 'hero-ness' and, second, be able to compare that measurement to the idealised concept of the hero. I'm sure that, given your doubtlessly genius-level intellect, you can imagine the intricacies and complexities that such a device would require just to be designed, let alone built."

"Yes, I can," they frown. "Would they need to be returned according to different culture's values and the qualities assigned to their heroes, or do these 'authors' have a unified approach to such things?"

"Oh, well of course the culture of the author must be taken into account, so any self-respecting pataphysicist would have determined that within their hypothesis. Luckily, the authors that write our reality come from a reality similar enough to it that the comparison can be validly drawn."

"What proofs determined that?" She asks, eyes shining with interest.

"Well, the hypothesis was first thought unfalsifiable. However, it has been independently tested multiple times by various organisations with various pataphysics departments. Each one came to a different conclusion, of course, as each was written by a different set of authors. I simply did a cross-referencing of various extranormal phenomena across various different worlds and found the common narrative themes tying them all together, before further cross-referencing the data with known rewrites of reality. Then it was simply a case of comparing results with the other research done on the topic that uncovered those other researchers' authors, which left the conclusion that the authors of this reality have written a version of their own with various modifications and tweaks."

"And how can you tell which author is responsible for what? I may have some... Choice Words... for a few of them," they say darkly, and thunder booms again, much closer this time.

"Well, pinpointing the actual identity of an author is nearly impossible, but every author has their narrative fingerprints that can be used to track their influence on our reality. It's far easier to determine more general things about authors, such as their cultural storytelling framework. As for communicating with them, if you so much as think out into the great beyond they will likely hear it."

"Ah, but yelling in a face is so much more satisfying than yelling at the sky," they sigh. "Still, perhaps you might be able to offer an interesting perspective on a question which has long plagued me? I could not help but notice you had Thoughts on that first peal of thunder, and it is related."

"If it helps, you can always imagine or create a face to yell at. And, yes, I do have thoughts about your thunder, though I am unsure as to whether they will be helpful to you."

"I have always been curious about why storms seem to follow me," they shrug. "But as of yet have been unable to reach a satisfactory answer. Certain medical conditions make looking into a magical explanation difficult, for one thing, and there is most certainly not a conventional explanation. If your thoughts are not helpful, well, then nothing has changed."

"Oh, why, it's for dramatic effect of course!" Dr Forrest speaks in such a matter-of-fact way, as if this was plainly obvious and the only reasonable explanation. Perhaps overestimating Merlyn's comprehension of pataphysics, they make no show of elaborating and the statement is simply left to end.

"Sure, but why me? What makes a moment dramatic enough? Is there a non-pataphysical mechanism through which the effect is achieved? Did it really need to make me get rained on all the time?"

"To answer your questions in order:" Forrest pauses to take a breath, "because you're as close to an archetypal mad scientist as most people could reasonably get, and every mad scientist needs drama; any moment can be dramatic enough, it just requires the right timing and framing, I could recommend some great fiction with similar effects for you to get the gist of the narrative device; there are always non-pataphysical mechanisms for these things, most commonly they're what most people refer to as 'coincidences'; and it didn't but I would assume that the authors found that to be a humorous logical extension of the trope and so included it within the narrative." Forrest takes a second breath. "Did you catch all that, or would you like me to repeat?"

"No repeat necessary, thank you," they frown again. "I will probably still look into other explanations. I know enough about tropes and my own life to say that, if all this really is just the actions of a higher being, they probably cared enough about logical explanations of things to have given the thunder one as well. My archetype works better when things are explained, even if just with barely comprehensible jargon."

"Of course, and I will leave that investigation to you, as it is far further into your court than I could ever hope to reach with confidence intact. Meteorology always was one of my weaker subjects, and none of my doctorates even come close to it. I'm sure you will have many a new word to coin in that pursuit."

"Ah, we'll see," she chuckles. "Enough about that, though. Would you be interested in joining the union? Would any of your peers here, that you know of? I can answer any questions you might have about it, of course."

"Well, I know of a colleague who would love to join. Sadly, your mind is wholly incapable of registering the existence of. So even if I told you, you would immediately forget what you just heard, as has happened--" they look down at a screen "five times thus far. Aside from that conundrum, I imagine that Zudraann would be quite receptive, though his guild membership may prove an obstacle. Twobens may if his mood suits him at the time, but you would likely need to send someone else as I am unsure your hazmat suit would provide enough protection from his inherently strong magical nature. As for myself, I see no reason why I shouldn't join, so I might as well."

"Oh, we have no issues with funding here, but the thought is greatly appreciated. Now, let me read through this paperwork." They take some time with their review of the rules, before putting the papers back down. "Well, I have encountered a singular potential issue. If I am to give records of my projects, the union would be required to follow mildly strict and extremely annoying secrecy policies in order to keep them, thanks to the two largest players in the extranormal sphere. I do hope that this isn't too terrible of an inconvenience to you."

"We can make that work," she says. "Though, if that is a restriction you would like removed, we can also fight for that." Lightning flashes outside the window.

"As much as I would love for the removal of that restriction to be possible, there is no fighting the combined might of the Jailors, Bookburners, and their allies for organisations like the two of ours. They will do anything to protect their precious normalcy, including wiping the both of us from history, and they more than have the means to do so."

"I'm familiar with the word memetic, but not 'anti-memetics.' What is that?"

"Impressive! I'd be tempted to learn a trick like that myself if it wasn't wholly redundant. Studying antimemes as closely as I and my department do tends to give you some familiar properties. Most people have to take a cocktail of drugs to even notice my existence. Some people are unlucky enough not to need that, and I tend to try to hire those people. I can tell you're something more than human, so I'll assume that has something to do with how your mind can actually acknowledge my presence."

"Thank you, I'm glad I could impress a somnioform being, even if only with a standard skill on the job! As for where we are, this is the OSHA branch of EWO's headquarters. If you aren't familiar with this organisation, I'm sure I can give an explanation."

Mike squints suspiciously. "If you oppose the policy then why participate at all? Why not just refuse to uphold it?"

"Hm. Fair enough," Mike nods sympathetically. "...So are you guys aware that Star Trek is real and we're not the real original Earth? Or is that outside the scope of even your veil?"

"I cannot speak for the rest of the organisation, but I myself am aware that 'Star Trek is real'. As for the second statement, I would require clarification as to what you are defining as 'the real original Earth'. I would imagine that at least one department would have that knowledge, though."

"Ah, and there's what I can only assume to be the pataphysics coming to bite me right in the ass for mentioning it." They laugh slightly to themself. "I believe they're officially referred to as 'authors' in the literature, if I'm right about what I think you're talking about."

"I have no idea what pataphysics are, but these guys are very specifically bloggers. I know first-hand. They have this thing called a 'Discord server' too but it's of dubious and inconsistent canonicity and there's patches of it that I can't directly see."

"Oh, pataphysics is just 'we know this universe is fictional so we're going to study it like it's a book'. Uses tropes and narrative and a whole bunch of other bullshit that's outside my department's court. I'm sure Dr Forrest could talk your ears off until one of you stops being able to hold a conversation. I don't know why, but pataphysics as a field tends to attract people who are incapable of being concise."

"Mm. Okay, yeah, yeah I do have a tendency to run my mouth at times. Anyway enough about the bloggers, what kind of stuff do you actually enjoy studying here? I might be able to give you a hand."

"Well, I wouldn't be in this field if I didn't enjoy what I study. There's hardly anything I do, research-wise, that I don't enjoy. As for the hand, I'm not sure your lack of training and expertise in this field would allow you to be of much assistance, no offence."

"I had a feeling you might say that." Dr Forrest takes the coffee before continuing. "Pataphysics is incredibly useful. Despite the scope of experiments in this field being limited to the more traditional application of attempting to falsify hypotheses, as opposed to the classical mad scientist trope of doing science for science's sake, most people still dismiss them as absurd due to their doubt over the validity of the hypothesis being tested. Still, I find them quite fascinating due to the unique mechanisms and apparatus required for pataphysics research."

"What sort of apparatus is that?" Merlyn asks, finally taking a sip of the tea.

"Well, for example, you could have a device that measures narrative adherence to the archetype of the hero. Such a device would need to, first, be able to measure 'hero-ness' and, second, be able to compare that measurement to the idealised concept of the hero. I'm sure that, given your doubtlessly genius-level intellect, you can imagine the intricacies and complexities that such a device would require just to be designed, let alone built."

"Yes, I can," they frown. "Would they need to be returned according to different culture's values and the qualities assigned to their heroes, or do these 'authors' have a unified approach to such things?"

"Oh, well of course the culture of the author must be taken into account, so any self-respecting pataphysicist would have determined that within their hypothesis. Luckily, the authors that write our reality come from a reality similar enough to it that the comparison can be validly drawn."

"What proofs determined that?" She asks, eyes shining with interest.

"Well, the hypothesis was first thought unfalsifiable. However, it has been independently tested multiple times by various organisations with various pataphysics departments. Each one came to a different conclusion, of course, as each was written by a different set of authors. I simply did a cross-referencing of various extranormal phenomena across various different worlds and found the common narrative themes tying them all together, before further cross-referencing the data with known rewrites of reality. Then it was simply a case of comparing results with the other research done on the topic that uncovered those other researchers' authors, which left the conclusion that the authors of this reality have written a version of their own with various modifications and tweaks."

"And how can you tell which author is responsible for what? I may have some... Choice Words... for a few of them," they say darkly, and thunder booms again, much closer this time.

"Well, pinpointing the actual identity of an author is nearly impossible, but every author has their narrative fingerprints that can be used to track their influence on our reality. It's far easier to determine more general things about authors, such as their cultural storytelling framework. As for communicating with them, if you so much as think out into the great beyond they will likely hear it."

"Ah, but yelling in a face is so much more satisfying than yelling at the sky," they sigh. "Still, perhaps you might be able to offer an interesting perspective on a question which has long plagued me? I could not help but notice you had Thoughts on that first peal of thunder, and it is related."

"If it helps, you can always imagine or create a face to yell at. And, yes, I do have thoughts about your thunder, though I am unsure as to whether they will be helpful to you."

"I have always been curious about why storms seem to follow me," they shrug. "But as of yet have been unable to reach a satisfactory answer. Certain medical conditions make looking into a magical explanation difficult, for one thing, and there is most certainly not a conventional explanation. If your thoughts are not helpful, well, then nothing has changed."

"Oh, why, it's for dramatic effect of course!" Dr Forrest speaks in such a matter-of-fact way, as if this was plainly obvious and the only reasonable explanation. Perhaps overestimating Merlyn's comprehension of pataphysics, they make no show of elaborating and the statement is simply left to end.

"Sure, but why me? What makes a moment dramatic enough? Is there a non-pataphysical mechanism through which the effect is achieved? Did it really need to make me get rained on all the time?"

"To answer your questions in order:" Forrest pauses to take a breath, "because you're as close to an archetypal mad scientist as most people could reasonably get, and every mad scientist needs drama; any moment can be dramatic enough, it just requires the right timing and framing, I could recommend some great fiction with similar effects for you to get the gist of the narrative device; there are always non-pataphysical mechanisms for these things, most commonly they're what most people refer to as 'coincidences'; and it didn't but I would assume that the authors found that to be a humorous logical extension of the trope and so included it within the narrative." Forrest takes a second breath. "Did you catch all that, or would you like me to repeat?"

"No repeat necessary, thank you," they frown again. "I will probably still look into other explanations. I know enough about tropes and my own life to say that, if all this really is just the actions of a higher being, they probably cared enough about logical explanations of things to have given the thunder one as well. My archetype works better when things are explained, even if just with barely comprehensible jargon."

"Of course, and I will leave that investigation to you, as it is far further into your court than I could ever hope to reach with confidence intact. Meteorology always was one of my weaker subjects, and none of my doctorates even come close to it. I'm sure you will have many a new word to coin in that pursuit."

"Ah, we'll see," she chuckles. "Enough about that, though. Would you be interested in joining the union? Would any of your peers here, that you know of? I can answer any questions you might have about it, of course."

"Well, I know of a colleague who would love to join. Sadly, your mind is wholly incapable of registering the existence of. So even if I told you, you would immediately forget what you just heard, as has happened--" they look down at a screen "five times thus far. Aside from that conundrum, I imagine that Zudraann would be quite receptive, though his guild membership may prove an obstacle. Twobens may if his mood suits him at the time, but you would likely need to send someone else as I am unsure your hazmat suit would provide enough protection from his inherently strong magical nature. As for myself, I see no reason why I shouldn't join, so I might as well."

"Oh, we have no issues with funding here, but the thought is greatly appreciated. Now, let me read through this paperwork." They take some time with their review of the rules, before putting the papers back down. "Well, I have encountered a singular potential issue. If I am to give records of my projects, the union would be required to follow mildly strict and extremely annoying secrecy policies in order to keep them, thanks to the two largest players in the extranormal sphere. I do hope that this isn't too terrible of an inconvenience to you."

"We can make that work," she says. "Though, if that is a restriction you would like removed, we can also fight for that." Lightning flashes outside the window.

"As much as I would love for the removal of that restriction to be possible, there is no fighting the combined might of the Jailors, Bookburners, and their allies for organisations like the two of ours. They will do anything to protect their precious normalcy, including wiping the both of us from history, and they more than have the means to do so."

"I'm familiar with the word memetic, but not 'anti-memetics.' What is that?"

"Impressive! I'd be tempted to learn a trick like that myself if it wasn't wholly redundant. Studying antimemes as closely as I and my department do tends to give you some familiar properties. Most people have to take a cocktail of drugs to even notice my existence. Some people are unlucky enough not to need that, and I tend to try to hire those people. I can tell you're something more than human, so I'll assume that has something to do with how your mind can actually acknowledge my presence."

"Thank you, I'm glad I could impress a somnioform being, even if only with a standard skill on the job! As for where we are, this is the OSHA branch of EWO's headquarters. If you aren't familiar with this organisation, I'm sure I can give an explanation."

Mike squints suspiciously. "If you oppose the policy then why participate at all? Why not just refuse to uphold it?"

"Hm. Fair enough," Mike nods sympathetically. "...So are you guys aware that Star Trek is real and we're not the real original Earth? Or is that outside the scope of even your veil?"

"I cannot speak for the rest of the organisation, but I myself am aware that 'Star Trek is real'. As for the second statement, I would require clarification as to what you are defining as 'the real original Earth'. I would imagine that at least one department would have that knowledge, though."

"Ah, and there's what I can only assume to be the pataphysics coming to bite me right in the ass for mentioning it." They laugh slightly to themself. "I believe they're officially referred to as 'authors' in the literature, if I'm right about what I think you're talking about."

"I have no idea what pataphysics are, but these guys are very specifically bloggers. I know first-hand. They have this thing called a 'Discord server' too but it's of dubious and inconsistent canonicity and there's patches of it that I can't directly see."

"Oh, pataphysics is just 'we know this universe is fictional so we're going to study it like it's a book'. Uses tropes and narrative and a whole bunch of other bullshit that's outside my department's court. I'm sure Dr Forrest could talk your ears off until one of you stops being able to hold a conversation. I don't know why, but pataphysics as a field tends to attract people who are incapable of being concise."

"Mm. Okay, yeah, yeah I do have a tendency to run my mouth at times. Anyway enough about the bloggers, what kind of stuff do you actually enjoy studying here? I might be able to give you a hand."

"Well, I wouldn't be in this field if I didn't enjoy what I study. There's hardly anything I do, research-wise, that I don't enjoy. As for the hand, I'm not sure your lack of training and expertise in this field would allow you to be of much assistance, no offence."