Everything I Never Said

“I think about dying, but I don't want to die. Not even close. In fact, my problem is the complete opposite. I want to live, I want to escape. I feel trapped and bored and claustrophobic. There's so much to see and so much to do but I somehow still find myself doing nothing at all. I'm still here, in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can't quite figure out what the hell I'm doing or how to get out of it.”

“I’m trying really hard to be this person that has her shit together, that has some form of fucking control over anything that has to do with my life. I’m trying really hard not to be so god damn fucking angry at everything. At the world, at myself, at people in my life. I’m trying to mask it all with some point or validation or giving it a mean by saying “this has to happen for a reason. It had to.” But maybe that’s just it, that’s what’s driving me crazy. Maybe there is no reason why bad things happen or good things happen. Maybe there is no reason and it’s just that, a thing that happened. It’s just the universe being cruel and the universe giving you a break once in a while because if we’re being honest there is ALWAYS something. There will always be a time in your life where it feels like bricks are sitting on your chest and there will always be a time after the bricks when the light peaks through one small crack and you have that moment where you don’t feel like you’re drowning and you think “This is it, this is where things get better. This is where I get better.” And it’s true you do get better. You get better every time, but there will never not be a time when there isn’t bricks sitting on your chest and that is what is so goddamn heartbreaking to me. We are born and we suffer and we live and we are happy and sad and everything in between and then we just die. Our bodies go into the ground or get spread out somewhere that was once meaningful to you if your family or friends know you, if you’re lucky. If you’re lucky you might also find love. I’m trying, I’m really trying to find the goddamn crack in the pile of bricks but fuck. What’s the point? What is the god damn point.”

“And if you’re going to love me, you need to know that I am a complete mess. I cry whenever someone raises their voice and I always think that I’m never good enough because in the past that’s been the case. I cry whenever I start to even remotely think about my future because I don’t know who I am without this sadness and I don’t think I’m ever going to get better. I love animals way too much so I’m always bringing strays home. I get attached way too easily and I don’t know how to keep a conversation going. There’s days when everything is too much and I won’t speak to a single soul so please don’t take offense when I don’t return your calls. I come with a lot of baggage so you should know that I am no ray of sunshine and I am not made of fairy dust and everything pink and sunny. I am made of heartache, tears and sadness. If you’re going to love me, you should know that I open up way to easily and it leaves me with nothing for myself and that hurts. I let people take pieces of me whenever they decide to leave so I’m hoping that you won’t do that. As much of a realist that I am, I love romance. I don’t believe in a prince saving me, but I do believe in unicorns and ghosts. I always say my favorite color is blue, but if you ask me why I don’t have a happy meaning for it. I haven’t been to my father’s grave since the day we put him in the ground and that eats away at me. Holidays are always hard even though I always have a smile on my face. If you ask me what’s wrong more than likely I’ll say that nothing is wrong and that I am in fact fine. This is far from the truth. I am never fine, but there are days when I’m okay and if you can’t understand that then you should not be telling me you love me. I’m scared of love and what it does to people so if at times I push you away I am sorry. So I guess what I’m trying to say if that I am no picnic in the park and I hope that you can still say you love me. I am not for everyone, but I hope I am for you.”

“I think that most relationships don’t work out because people start to realize that their partner doesn’t love the way that they do.”

“I was torn between holding on to what you promised and accepting the reality of you not being able to deliver.”

“Don’t try to love me perfectly because you are not perfect and neither am I,

““I don’t want just words. If that’s all you have for me you’d better go.””

““Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others…””

How do you fall back in love with life?