Just Another Day In Paradise

Hello Everyone,

I am sorry I have not been that good at keeping up with this, the truth is I am struggling. 

The Temple Separation was granted to my ex, and that has thrown me in a cycle of confusion and hell. I have questioned where I stand, if I have made the right choice in going back to Mormonism and being baptized again, if I just wanted something so bad that I could fool myself into believing this could work....

Its been tough, I cant say I have my answers to all my questions, all I know is that I am trying still. Surprising myself even.... I do not have the answers, and I do not know where I will end up in this process.. All I know is that in my darkest moments over the last year, my hope in this being right has helped me continue to be a better person and to strive for a new me.

Hello everyone, I wanted to give a brief update about the lack of posts about my 30 day challenge. I sadly missed a few days, and have decided to just pick back up where I left.

I believe that is what is best in life. When we miss a goal, why not continue at that point? I will aim for 30 days total in a row at this new point. 

Sadly I allowed my own procrastination to catch up with me. I am only human, but I think this will still be an amazing journey to continue on. I will post more later tonight/today to start back up again.

I also wanted to thank all the new followers, and the people who are asking questions and providing input. I know that many of you are not in a happy state, especially when struggling with such issues as abuse, pornography, addictions, and struggling in faith. I hope and pray each and everyone who finds my blog can find happiness and see that, while life is tough, you can find happiness and can have a profound relationship with our Heavenly Father.

In closing, I would like to leave you with something that helps me..

I would like to take a moment and tell you that I am so sorry to hear that. There is never a reason for a man to be abusive, demeaning, or in any way disrespectful to a woman, let alone his wife.

I pray you also find peace and that through prayer you can find your answer, there is absolutely no easy part about the struggles you have gone through and the position you are in.

If you do come to the decision to try and make it work, may I offer some words of advice. Ensure that he is willing to go to counseling. Both Marital and individual. There is where hope can become reality. I would also suggest you go to a counselor as well. You have also been through traumatic events in dealing with the lies and the abuses of trust that your husband has put you through, and it is okay (in fact should be a given right) to be angry at him for the hurt he has caused. I never would advise anyone to stay in a situation where abuse is, nor could I ever believe our Father in Heaven would as well.

I pray that you find the answers you are searching for. You deserve happiness, and I truly hope you find it. I pray that your husband comes to terms with the reality he has put you through. It took me a while to come to terms with what I did to my ex-wife. She deserved so much better than I ever gave to her, and sadly it took her leaving to realize what I had, and what I had lost. It will haunt me everyday of my life knowing the life she had with me is not the life she, or anyone, deserves.

Today was a interesting day, to say the least. I wont go into it, but it is something what occurred does make me question if I am right or wrong... Its a tough spot to be in, but that being said... I have felt that this 30 day challenge was needed so I am going to see it out.

Today I had John chapter 3 on my mind. I do not know why, but it is something that stuck with me. I had no idea what it was about prior to this. So... Lets dive in shall we?

What stuck out to me the greatest was when Jesus spoke to Nicodemus, Jesus basically tells Nicodemus to not get hung up on the words, but to listen to the spirit that testifies of the teachings in which he speaks. That, in order to be saved, we must be baptized, and by this Jesus helps bring us eternal life. I love that he goes on to say that Jesus is not on Earth to condemn. He is there to save mankind. As we live the Gospel and follow the teachings of our Lord and Savior, we become products of his goodness. That which is good seeks good, and that which is not good seeks to do evil. I can tell a difference in my life as I strive to be closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ, and our Heavenly Father. It is not just in the way I feel, but in the way I treat others. My anger and temper seem to defuse quickly, my ability to understand and to empathize with others is increased, and I have a more loving spirit about me. We are products of that which we follow. I promise that. If we are following false Gods, be it pornography, sex, drinking, or other such habits, we tend to emulate that which we take in. We crave that and, from my own experiences at least, I end up craving more to live in that lifestyle as I take it in. The same is true when I strive to live the teachings of our Heavenly Father. I will never be perfect, and God does not expect that I am, he only asks that I try and that I give it my best. He knows us. Each and everyone of us. I find comfort in that. Even in my darkest of moments, I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, I have a Savior who cheers me on and is my advocate to our Father. How blessed are we to have such wonderful I look forward to tomorrow. I am excited to see what scripture is next to be read and pondered upon.

Today, I felt the way to find the chapter I would be reading today by following the example my old Bishop (we will call him Bishop A) had taught me. I closed my eyes, random pressed my fingers on the screen of the Gospel Library app, and came across Luke chapter 5.

What stuck out in his chapter is Simon, after a long night of fishing, and catching very little, Jesus asked him to cast out his net. Simon stated they had been out, but if he asks them to, he will. How often have I felt a prompting to do something, and in a moment of doubting asked God, "But why? Have I not been trying already?" For me, this teaches me that I should not question, but to act upon these. Not try to reason it and say... "Well, if you really want me to now..." When we follow promptings, we may not know why, but there is a lesson and a reason there. God does not reveal the way he works to us, but we are always better off if we listen to that still small voice. The rest of the chapter goes on to show examples of people who seek out Jesus, to ask for healing, and when he states they are healed, they stand up, and they are healed, they are forgiven. They do not seem to ask Jesus, "Hey, I know you said I am healed, but are you sure? Never the less if you say I am, I suppose that I am." I can see myself doing this all too often. Questioning, doubting, seeking positive affirmation. Perhaps, this is an important lesson to absorb for myself. God knows all, he can command all, and he can do all. Who am I to questions and ask again and again for the same answer. Is it not faith to hear or be prompted by something and to accept this? I question way too much. I know this. While I do not think it is unwise to question and seek affirmation, there is a fine line of ensuring you know, and lacking the faith to continue to follow the promptings. I have fallen again into lacking that faith. I am but human, but I wish my faith was that much more to be able to realize his workings in my life, to give thanks, and not to seek the same answers over and over and over again. To end with, I have to say how much I appreciate his closing message. The Pharisees seem to doubt Jesus and to speak ill of him because he spends his time in the presence of sinners and the sick. Yet Jesus states to them very clearly that "...They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick. I cam not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." (v. 31 - 32) These verses have a hidden teaching in them as well. God wants to heal us, physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. He is in our presence with arms open beckoning us to him. Likewise, we cannot become better by surrounding ourselves with that which makes us sick. We must surround ourselves in his presence. By praying, reading, fasting... We can welcome his spirit to surround us, to feel of his love and to better feel his promptings to better ourselves.

I forgot how much reading the scriptures and writing these prompts make me feel of his spirit. It is something I have sorely lacked, and something I hope and pray to keep. I pray that those who reads these things that I write will find the love of our Heavenly Father. That they may feel something and hopefully find answers that you seek. I love you and pray each and everyone one of you have a wonderful day and if there is anything you have questions about, if you wish to write me, that I may be able to help in anyway possible. God loves each of us, and is aware of us.

Hello everyone,

So it has been a while since I posted. Let me give you all an update on what has happened since I last wrote.

My divorce as been finalized since May. I am sad to report that things did not work out with my ex-wife and me reconciling. I had hoped and prayed for a better outcome. While I still do not have answers as to why I felt impressed to hold onto hope for our marriage, I know that one day I will find out why.

My ex has also filed for temple separation. I did not realize how badly this would hurt. But the effects have caused me to second guess my direction in life. I am trying to stay strong, and currently we are awaiting to hear the outcome of her filing and my appeal.

My ex is currently dating someone, and I hope and pray in time that I can be mature enough to let my hard feelings go. I have had moments of it, but I can say it is an experience I wish I never had to endure. Never the less, this is the outcome of my poorly made choices, and I am happy that she is happy. I am happy that he also treats my daughter well (from what I can see and have been told), and can only hope the best for her. Truthfully... She deserves happiness.

So now for why I am starting to post again. Tonight I felt impressed as I searched for answers to read the scriptures, for 30 days. A challenge that I am accepting, and hope that in the end of the 30 days, to have a better understanding of God, and to be able to be in a better place and accept his guidance and wisdom as I move forward in life with my daughter, and be able to give her the best in life that can be given.

Hello everyone. 

So it has been a little bit, but I must come and ask something... Something that is plaguing my mind tonight. Can your answer to a prayer be wrong? Something that is so set in stone that you KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that you did what the answer provided... that you were told things would be a certain way, to give it time, to not give up on her... but she has already moved on?

This is the situation I am in. She has stated that she has tried and tried and tried... but I feel like trying is therapy, it is talking to one another, it is planning trips, and it is trying to get close. If we are not doing these steps... love dies.... I feel like it has died for her. I have been doing these steps, and she has been so hurt by my actions... that she didn’t feel ready to do them, and our love died with her...

So why would God tell me to hold on? Why would he make me feel compelled to do this blog? To continue to shout out the evils of pornography, to write and answer the things that haunt me? Why would he tell me our family would be okay. That when I took my daughter up to the Logan temple the other day... that our forever family is there, that Jill is missing there? That with her we are complete....

Why would I feel like we can still work, that this can be repaired? That our love was never ending and that she and I would endure to this bitter end and that in the ending phase, we would be together, standing as one, and our Daughter would have her family.

My sins have cost me. My depression is taking over. These thoughts I have taken great strides to drive away are returning with vengeance. My sins haunt me. 

Why... why am I in this place then? It has been over a year. I have been re baptized in the LDS Church. I have been faithful. On bended knee praying and having faith. I have avoided temptations. I have struggled to show her my desire and will for our family....

But here I am. Listening to my non-LDS friends talk about the church and why it isn't true. Fighting the urge to purge my belief. Fighting to stay strong.

Alone, without her. I didn't come back for her. I didn't make myself better for her. I did it for me. I did it because it was right. Somehow I believed we were going to end up together. How could I have been so wrong?

Please... anyone, everyone... Please pray. Pray for her. Pray for my daughter. Pray for our families survival.... She gave me 30 days again... but its 30 days where all we are doing is one date night a week.... Where she doesn't talk to me... where it feels like she truly doesn't mean it when she says she will give us that open real chance... 

I hope it is... I pray it is... I pray that if this is suppose to work, please let God come in and for the atonement to have its awesome amazing power to heal us. To bind us together again... I cant be wrong can I? The calming spirit I feel in these moments of despair and the promptings that we are going to be together, that we will be a family again... that cant be wrong, it cant be my mind right? Its the same things that brought me back to the church... the same feelings, the same guidance.. Can I be wrong?