We're All A Little Insane

Everyone was already there. Two members of the PR team sat at one end of the glass table with folders open in front of them. A legal adviser sat beside them, expression unreadable. Natasha lounged in a chair near the far side of the room, one leg crossed over the other, face smooth and detached in that way of hers that told you she was paying attention to everything. And Steve stood near the windows. Your eyes found him instantly, automatically, before you could stop them. He stood with his arms crossed and his jaw set, broad shoulders rigid beneath a navy button-down that looked as though he had put it on in a hurry. Sunlight from the windows cut across one side of his face, throwing the other into shadow. He looked as if he had been restraining himself for some time already. He also looked as though he hated being there. Something cold slipped beneath your ribs. You told yourself not to be ridiculous. The woman from PR gestured toward the empty chair near the middle of the table. “Thank you for coming,” she said. “Please, sit down.” You did. Only then did you notice the magazines. They had been spread across the table in a fan, glossy covers turned upward like evidence at a trial. The same photograph appeared on every one of them. Steve and Natasha. Too close. That was the whole trick of it. Steve’s hand rested at the small of Natasha’s back. Natasha stood angled toward him, her face tipped up. The camera had caught the two of them in the half-second before movement resolved into something harmless. In the still frame, it looked intimate. Charged. Damning, if someone wanted it to be. And apparently a great many people wanted it to be. You read the nearest headline. AMERICA’S GOLDEN BOY AND THE BLACK WIDOW: SECRET ROMANCE? The next one was worse. LOVE, LIES, OR A MISSION GONE TOO FAR? Another. INSIDE THE AVENGERS’ MOST DANGEROUS AFFAIR

Natasha followed your gaze and let out a low, humorless breath through her nose. “Creative,” she said. “There is nothing going on between us,” Steve said immediately. His voice was calm, but only in the way winter was calm. Cold enough to burn. The legal adviser folded his hands. “We are aware of that.” “The public isn’t,” the second PR representative said, with the brittle patience of someone repeating a rehearsed line. “And speculation escalated much faster than projected. The story spread across entertainment media by morning, and now mainstream outlets are picking it up. We’re already seeing a measurable effect on public sentiment toward the team.” Natasha arched one eyebrow. “Because apparently the world has nothing better to do.” The woman gave her a smile that did not quite reach her eyes. “Unfortunately, public perception matters.” Steve uncrossed his arms. “Our personal life shouldn’t be public property.” “With respect,” the lawyer replied, “that distinction becomes difficult when the image of Captain America directly affects government relationships, sponsorships, charitable partnerships, and the Avengers’ general standing.” Steve’s mouth hardened. You kept your attention on the magazines because they were easier to look at than him. It was a ridiculous story. You knew that. Anybody who actually knew Natasha knew how absurd it was. Anybody who knew Steve would have laughed at the melodrama of it. But none of that mattered. A photograph did not need to be true. It only needed to be convincing. And people always preferred convincing over true. The first PR representative straightened the papers in front of her. “We considered several possible responses,” she said. “A formal denial. A coordinated media correction. Redirecting the narrative through unrelated public appearances. However, our team agreed that the most effective approach would be a more stable, organic counter-story.” You already knew you were not going to like whatever came next.

She looked directly at you. “We believe Captain Rogers would benefit from a public romantic cover.” The room went still. Steve turned sharply. “No.” The word cracked across the glass and chrome. The woman did not flinch. “Captain–” “No,” he repeated. “That is not what I agreed to discuss.” “You agreed to hear options.” “I agreed to hear options related to the story. Not this.” Your stomach tightened further. Something in Natasha’s posture changed, almost too small to notice. Not guilt, exactly. More like preparation. The moment before a trained operative took a hit she had already decided was necessary. The PR representative folded her hands. “We also discussed potential candidates.” Steve stared at her as if he could stop the next sentence by force of will alone. She continued anyway. “Natasha suggested your name.” For one suspended second, nobody moved. You looked at Natasha. She met your eyes without any visible apology. Because of course she did. Steve turned toward her, incredulous anger flashing openly across his face now. “You brought her into this without asking her?” “I gave them a name they couldn’t misuse,” Natasha said. Her tone remained even, but there was steel beneath it. “That was the alternative.” “You don’t volunteer people like that.” “You think they wouldn’t have thought of her on their own?” The question landed badly because everybody in the room knew the answer. The PR team exchanged a glance. The woman nearest you leaned forward slightly, softening her voice into something almost kind. “You two already have an established friendship. You’re comfortable together in public settings. You work within the same circles. There’s no obvious conflict of schedule. And,” she added, “it helps that the public response to previous photos of you together has been overwhelmingly positive.” You blinked. “Previous photos?” The woman opened a folder and slid a few printed pages toward you. There they were.

You and Steve leaving a charity gala side by side. Steve leaning down to hear something you had said over the crowd. Another shot from six months ago of the two of you at a community event, his hand at your elbow as the pair of you laughed about something off-camera. A candid from the Tower rooftop after a press conference, both of you in profile, talking close enough for gossip columns to make poetry out of it. Your face went hot. You had not known any of those pictures were circulating. Or maybe you had known, vaguely, in the way you always knew your life became content the second a lens turned your way, but you had never let yourself think too hard about it. “It would read as natural,” the lawyer said. “Credible. Reassuring.” Steve let out a short, disbelieving laugh with no amusement in it whatsoever. “Reassuring to who?” The woman did not answer him. She kept her eyes on you. “The arrangement would be limited. Time-bound. Carefully managed. A small number of public appearances, perhaps a few interviews, controlled photo opportunities, and social visibility enough to redirect attention. Nothing invasive. Nothing beyond what is agreed upon.” Nothing invasive. You almost admired how cleanly they lied. Steve stepped closer to the table. “She doesn’t owe any of you that.” The words came low and sharp. No one answered immediately. You looked up at him then. He was already looking at you. There was anger in his face, yes, but not directed at you. Never at you. It was something worse, in a way – something that made your chest feel too tight, because it meant he saw what was happening clearly, and he hated it. It also meant he was making it harder. Because if he had been indifferent, this would have been simple. If he had looked embarrassed, uncomfortable, reluctant in the selfish sort of way, you could have accepted the proposal with the numb practicality you used for every other unpleasant thing in your life. But Steve looked furious on your behalf, and that made the whole room tilt slightly under your feet. You glanced back down at the printed photographs. Useful. The word rose in your head with ugly familiarity. It was a small word. An efficient word. The kind that sounded almost like praise if no one listened too closely. Useful meant there was a reason to keep you around. Useful meant there was still a place for you in the room. Useful meant you did not have to ask whether anyone would choose you if you stopped giving them reasons. Therapy had not cured that thought. It had only taught you how to hear it more clearly when it arrived. You could picture your therapist’s face with irritating precision. You do not have to earn your place every second of the day. Maybe not. But earning it still felt safer than trusting it. “What exactly would it involve?” you asked. Steve’s expression changed at once. Not softened. Worse. He looked as though he already knew why you were asking, and hated the answer. The PR woman moved quickly, relieved to have the conversation back under control. “Public dinners. A few visible outings. Coordinated media appearances when appropriate. Depending on the coverage, perhaps a magazine profile – something tasteful, emphasizing normalcy and stability. You would be briefed in advance. We would set boundaries. You would not be expected to share anything genuinely private.” Normalcy and stability. You nearly laughed.

The lawyer added, “If both parties agree, the arrangement could last until attention shifts or until another story cycle displaces this one.” You thought of the Tower. Of the unspoken ways everybody slotted into place there. Heroes. specialists. scientists. assets. liabilities. You thought of yourself drifting around the edges of something bigger than you, never fully certain whether you belonged or whether people simply tolerated you because you were competent enough to be convenient. You thought of the Thursdays you spent in your therapist’s office, ankles crossed, trying not to sound as damaged as you felt while admitting, again and again, that some part of you remained convinced affection was a temporary reward for usefulness. And beneath all of it, like a thread you refused to tug too hard… Steve. Steve, who always remembered whether you had eaten after long debriefs. Steve, who walked at your pace when the others were in a hurry. Steve, who watched you with a steadiness that unsettled you because it felt too close to understanding. He liked you. You knew that much. Maybe only as a friend. Maybe in that broad, generous way Steve liked people who needed gentleness and never asked for it. But he liked you. Enough that Natasha had used it. Enough that the room had built a plan around it. And if you said yes, then at least there would be a reason for him to keep choosing your company. Even if it was fake. Especially if it was fake. “Don’t,” Steve said quietly. The room seemed to draw in around that single word. He had not raised his voice. He had not moved any closer. But suddenly the polished conference room and the magazines and the PR strategy all fell away, and it felt as though he was speaking only to you. “You don’t have to do this.” Nobody else in the room mattered for a second. You held his gaze. There it was again – that terrible, unbearable sincerity. He meant it. He truly meant it. You did not know what to do with that. It would have been easier if he had looked relieved at the possibility. Easier if he had treated you like a practical solution. Easier if he had not cared. But Steve caring always made things harder, because it touched the parts of you you spent most of your time trying to hide under humor and usefulness and polished competence. Your fingers tightened in your lap. Someone had to make the room move again. If you let silence sit much longer, he might do something noble and inconvenient, like refuse outright. He might blow the whole thing apart. He might protect you in front of everybody and leave you standing there with nothing to offer in return except the proof that, yet again, you had needed rescuing. You could not bear that. So you smiled. A small one. Controlled. The version you used when you needed to make yourself easy to handle. “It’s temporary, right?” you asked the PR team. The woman nodded immediately. “Exactly.” You looked back at Steve. “It’s fine.”

His expression did not change, but something in it sank. “It isn’t,” he said. You forced a lighter tone. “It’s not like they’re asking for my kidney.” No one laughed. Of course no one laughed. You could feel Natasha watching you now, sharp and silent. The lawyer slid a paper across the table, though not close enough for you to mistake it for a contract yet. More like the outline of one. Terms. Timelines. Talking points. Behavioral expectations. Public presentation. Media discretion. An idylle, manufactured line by line. “I accept,” you said. The words came out too smoothly. Too quickly. You heard it the second they left your mouth, the practiced compliance in them. The old reflex. Make yourself useful. Make the difficult thing easier for everyone else. Smile while it hurts. Across from you, Steve went utterly still. The PR woman exhaled in visible relief. “Thank you. I know this is not a small ask.” No, you thought. It was not. But somehow that did not mean anyone had really asked. Steve planted both hands on the table and leaned in just enough to draw every eye in the room. “She said yes too fast.” The legal adviser stiffened. “Captain Rogers–” “She was called in here with no warning, shown a tabloid scandal, and handed a solution before she had time to think. That’s not consent. That’s pressure.” Heat rose under your skin so fast it almost felt like anger. Because he was right. And because he was saying it out loud. You hated when people saw too much. The woman from PR adjusted her posture. “No one is forcing–” “You barely asked her opinion,” Steve cut in. His voice remained measured, but the restraint in it sounded expensive. Like something held together under stress. You straightened in your chair.

“I said yes.” Steve turned to you fully. The look on his face made your throat tighten. Not frustration. Not disappointment. Worry. Real, immediate worry, edged with something close to hurt. “Think about it first,” he said. You knew he was trying to help. That was the problem. The softness of it, right there in front of everybody, made you want to retreat into something sharper. “If I want more time, I’ll say so.” “That’s not what I’m–” “I know.” You swallowed. Your voice came out steadier on the second attempt. “I know.” A beat passed. You wished he would look away first. He did not. In the end, Natasha broke the silence. “She understands what this is.” You glanced at her. Her face gave you nothing, but you knew her well enough to see the tension in the set of her mouth. She was not enjoying this. She simply believed in choosing the least disastrous option and living with the collateral damage.

You wondered whether becoming like that made life easier. Probably not. The meeting dragged on after that, because of course it did. Once your yes had been secured, everybody relaxed just enough to become efficient. Schedules were discussed. Potential narratives. Public overlap that could be repurposed. Shared appearances that would look “spontaneous.” Guidelines for interviews. Suggested language if either of you were pressed for details. You listened. You answered when required. You did not let yourself look at Steve too often, because every time you did, you found his attention already on you. By the time the papers were gathered and the meeting adjourned, you felt scraped hollow. The PR team thanked you again, all warm professionalism and brittle gratitude. The lawyer reminded both of you that formal terms would be drafted by evening. Natasha stood before you did, collecting her phone from the table with a fluid motion that suggested she already wanted to be somewhere else. You rose more slowly. Steve moved at once. “We need to talk.” The PR woman made a soft objection. “Captain, we still need fifteen minutes to review–” “No,” he said without taking his eyes off you. “We don’t.” He walked to the door and held it open. You should have refused. You should have said you needed a minute. You should have insisted you were fine and gone anywhere except alone with Steve Rogers while your emotions were already sliding loose under your skin. Instead, because you had never been very good at the choices that protected you, you followed him out. The door shut behind the two of you with a quiet click.

The hallway beyond the conference room was empty and bright, the kind of immaculate corporate corridor that always made you feel as though you were trapped inside somebody else’s version of professionalism. Steve did not lead you far. He stopped near the windows at the end of the hall, where the city spread below in glittering afternoon distance. For a moment, neither of you spoke. Then Steve turned to face you. “What was that?” There was no accusation in it. That somehow made it worse. You leaned one shoulder against the glass and crossed your arms, aiming for casual. “A meeting.” His expression did not budge. “You know what I mean.” You gave him a tired half-smile. “You’re going to have to be more specific, Rogers. There were charts. Legal language. At least three different uses of the phrase public confidence. It was hard to keep up.” He did not take the bait. “You didn’t want to do it.” You looked away, down at the traffic threading through the streets far below. “That’s not true.” “It is.” There was no room in his voice for easy escape. No irritation, no self-righteousness. Just certainty. You hated certainty when it was aimed at you. “Why are you making this into a bigger deal than it is?” you asked. His jaw tightened. “Because they cornered you.” “They asked.” “They manipulated you.” You let out a breath that almost became a laugh. “You say that like it’s unusual around here.” Something flickered in his face then. Not surprise – he knew enough about the world, and probably about you, to know exactly what you meant. But there was pain there. Brief and visible.

“That doesn’t make it acceptable.” You shrugged. The motion felt brittle. “It’s useful.” The second the word left your mouth, Steve’s expression changed. It was subtle but devastating, the way all the warmth in his face dimmed into something more intent, more troubled. “Don’t do that.” You frowned. “Do what?” “That.” He stepped closer, not enough to crowd you, just enough that ignoring him became impossible. “Talk about yourself like that.” A sharp, defensive laugh escaped you. “Oh, come on. I’m not exactly collapsing onto a fainting couch. I’m helping.” “That’s not what you said.” You looked at him properly then. He was too close to the truth again. Too close to the thing under the thing. You knew, in scattered pieces, what Steve understood about you. Not everything. But enough. Enough to know your jokes tended to arrive a beat too fast when you were anxious. Enough to know you vanished into work when your head got bad. Enough to know Thursdays were therapy days and you always came back from them quieter than before. Enough, apparently, to hear one small word and recognize the wound inside it. You forced another shrug. “It’s temporary. It helps the team. Natasha thought I made sense. End of story.” “It isn’t the end.” “Steve.” He softened at once when you said his name, and that somehow undid you more than anything else had. You pressed on before he could speak. “I said yes because I can handle it.” “That’s not the point.” “It is, actually.” His brows drew together. “No, the point is that you shouldn’t have had to.” You stared at him. There it was. That impossible decency. You should have found it comforting. Instead it made something sore crack open under your ribs. Because he really believed that. He really believed you should not have been treated like a convenient answer. He believed you were worth protecting from that. And all you could think was that if you stopped being useful, if you stopped making yourself easy and available and worthwhile on command, people eventually remembered they had no real reason to keep you.

Maybe Steve would not. But the rest of the world had taught you the lesson too many times for one kind man to erase it. “It’s okay,” you said, too softly this time. His face changed again. He looked as though the words physically pained him. “No,” he said. “It’s not.” The honesty of it made your eyes burn, which was unacceptable. Crying in a corridor because Steve Rogers cared too much was not on today’s schedule. So you reached for humor like a reflexive shield. “Well,” you said, “the good news is I’ve apparently been pre-approved by the public. That’s flattering. I should put it on my résumé.” Still nothing. You let the smile fall. “Steve.” He waited. “If I say no now, after they already pitched it, after Natasha already put my name forward, after all of this…” You gestured vaguely toward the conference room. “Then what? They pick someone else? Some actress? Some stranger? Turn your life into even more of a circus?” “That isn’t your responsibility.” “Maybe not.” “But?” You inhaled slowly. “But I can help.” The words sat between you. Steve looked at you for a long second, and you had the absurd feeling that he could see every ugly thing you did not say aloud. I can help. I know how to do that. I know how to be useful. I know how to stay if someone gives me a job to justify my presence. He scrubbed a hand briefly over his mouth, then dropped it. “You shouldn’t have to earn your place here.” Your heart gave one painful, traitorous beat. It would have been easier if he had not used those words. Easier if they had not been so close to what your therapist said when you stared at the carpet and insisted you were easier to love when you were needed for something. You laughed once, very quietly. “Did Nat tell you that, or did you pick it up all by yourself?” His gaze did not waver. “You’re not hard to read when you’re hurting.” That landed so precisely it left you speechless. You looked away first. The city below blurred for a second, then steadied. When you spoke again, your voice sounded flatter. “I accepted.” “I know.” “And I’m not changing my mind.” That was not entirely true, and both of you knew it. But changing your mind would have required admitting that the decision had touched something raw, and you were not prepared to do that while standing five feet from Steve in a hallway too bright for honesty. He exhaled through his nose. Then, quieter, “Did you do this because you thought I wanted you to?” Your head snapped toward him. “No.” The answer came so quickly it startled even you. Steve held your gaze. You swallowed. “No,” you repeated, slower now. “I know you didn’t.”

Which was its own problem, really. Because if he had wanted it, then at least there would have been a clear shape to your humiliation. A transaction. A reason. But Steve looked at the whole idea as though it offended him personally, and you had agreed anyway. For the team, you told yourself. For the mission. For the image. For practicality. Not because some shameful, hidden part of you had lit up at the idea of being allowed to stand beside him and call it a role. Steve nodded once, almost to himself. “All right.” You frowned slightly. “That’s it?” “No.” His voice went gentler, though his face remained grave. “If you’re doing this, then we do it on your terms too.” A hollow laugh slipped out before you could stop it. “I don’t think that’s how fake dating works.” “It is if I say it does.” You should not have smiled at that. Unfortunately, you did. It was small and brief and exhausted, but it was real, and Steve’s expression eased by the tiniest degree in response, as though he had been waiting for proof that you were still there under all the defenses. He straightened. “No surprises,” he said. “No one pushes you into interviews you haven’t agreed to. No appearances added without warning. No physical anything unless we both sign off on it first.” Your mouth twitched. “Physical anything?” He looked so stern about it that you almost laughed again. “Yes.” “You make this sound deeply glamorous.” “I’m serious.” “I know.” He paused. Then, carefully, “And if at any point you want out, you tell me. I don’t care what PR says. I don’t care what legal says. You tell me, and we end it.”

Something hot and painful moved through your chest at the quiet steadiness of that promise. You covered it with the first thing you could. “You’d make a terrible fake boyfriend,” you said. “Too ethical.” To your relief, that earned the smallest flicker of amusement from him. “You don’t know that.” “Oh, I absolutely do.” The smile disappeared as quickly as it had come. He looked at you a moment longer, then said, “I mean it.” And because he did, because he always did, you nodded. “All right.” He did not seem satisfied, but he let it go. For now. Footsteps approached from down the hall. One of the assistants, probably coming to retrieve him. The world beginning to move again whether either of you was ready or not. You pushed away from the glass. “Well,” you said, aiming for lightness one last time, “congratulations. Apparently we’re a believable romance.” Steve’s eyes stayed on you. “That isn’t what worries me.” Before you could ask what did, the assistant reached the end of the corridor and slowed, visibly uncertain whether to interrupt. Steve stepped back. The distance returned all at once, neat and polite and awful. “I have to go back in,” he said. “Of course.” He hesitated. Then, softly, “Are you all right?” There were a thousand true answers to that question. None of them fit in a hallway. So you gave him the familiar lie, polished smooth from use. “Yeah,” you said. “I’m fine.” He looked at you as if he knew exactly what that answer was worth. Still, he nodded. You watched him walk back toward the conference room, broad-shouldered and controlled and far too good for your own peace of mind. Only when he disappeared behind the door did you let your head tip back against the window. You stared up at the ceiling and counted your breaths the way your therapist taught you. In for four. Hold. Out for six. Your phone buzzed in your pocket. A message from Natasha. Come find me before you spiral. You closed your eyes. A second buzz followed almost immediately. And before you say you’re not spiraling, don’t. A weak laugh escaped you despite everything. You pushed off the glass and headed for the elevators. You found Natasha in the training room mezzanine, perched on the railing with one knee drawn up, coffee in one hand and the city at her back. She glanced over as you approached, then looked away again as if granting you the dignity of not being watched too closely. You stopped a few feet from her. “So,” you said. “You volunteered me.” Natasha took a slow sip of coffee. “I suggested you.”

“Without asking.” “Yes.” The honesty of it was almost offensive. You folded your arms. “That’s not better.” “No,” she agreed. “It isn’t.” You had prepared yourself for deflection. For pragmatism polished into indifference. Her lack of defense threw you off balance. You shifted your weight. “Why me?” Natasha lowered the cup. For a second, she studied the skyline rather than you. “Because they were going to solve it with a woman either way.” You did not answer. She continued. “If they picked on their own, they would have chosen someone photogenic, agreeable, and disposable. Someone they could control. Someone who didn’t know Steve and wouldn’t know when they were pushing him too far.” You frowned. “And you thought I was the better option?” “I thought you were the safer one.” The words sat strangely in your chest. You leaned against the railing beside her, keeping several feet between you. “That’s not exactly flattering.” “It wasn’t meant to be.” At least she was honest. The silence stretched. Then Natasha added, “He likes you.” Your head turned sharply. She did not look at you. That somehow made it worse. “In a catastrophic, painfully noble, I’m-going-to-prioritize-your-wellbeing-over-my-own sort of way,” she went on. “Which is inconvenient, because it makes him predictable.” Heat crawled up your neck. “You’re exaggerating.” “No.” You stared at her profile. Natasha raised the cup again. “He watches you,” she said. “He notices when you disappear into yourself. He notices when you’re tired. He knows your therapy schedule.” Your face went hotter. “Why do you know that he knows that?” “Because I know him.” She finally glanced sideways at you then, expression cool and unreadable. “And because he asked me once whether I thought it was a bad idea to leave tea outside your door after a hard session if he didn’t want to make you feel observed.” Your breath caught.

For one absurd second, the entire room seemed to tilt. Tea. There had been evenings when you came back from therapy hollowed out and found a mug waiting on the small table outside your room. No note. No explanation. Just tea made exactly the way you liked it. You had never known who left it. Natasha watched realization hit your face and gave the slightest shrug. “He overthinks everything.” You looked away before she could see too much. The city beyond the glass had gone hazy in the late afternoon light. “That doesn’t mean anything,” you said. “That depends on what you want it to mean.” “I don’t want it to mean anything.” A lie. Natasha was too merciful to call you on it. Instead, she said, “He was angry in there.” “I noticed.” “Not because of the arrangement.” You turned back to her. She met your eyes evenly. “He was angry because they treated you like you’d say yes before they even asked.” Your throat tightened. You stared at her, suddenly unable to decide whether you wanted to laugh or throw something. “Well,” you said after a beat, “they were right.” For the first time, something close to frustration crossed Natasha’s face. “That isn’t a virtue.” You looked down at your hands. “No,” you said quietly. “I know.” She finished the coffee and set the empty cup on the railing. “For what it’s worth,” she said, “I didn’t offer your name because you’re convenient.” You said nothing. “I offered it because if Steve had to do this with anyone, I wanted it to be someone he’d never treat carelessly.” That should not have mattered. Unfortunately, it did. You hated how much it did. You let out a slow breath. “That’s a lot of faith to put in two people who didn’t actually choose this.” Natasha’s mouth curved, faint and sharp. “That’s what makes it interesting.” You rolled your eyes despite yourself, and she took that as the opening she wanted. “Go eat,” she said. “You get brittle when you haven’t eaten.” You gave her a flat look. “Did Steve tell you that too?” “No. I have eyes.” You pushed off the railing. “Thank you,” you muttered. “For what?” “For at least admitting you blindsided me.” Natasha inclined her head once. Then, just as you turned away, she added, “Try not to break him.” You stopped. A laugh escaped you before you could stop it, incredulous and thin. “That’s funny.” “I wasn’t joking.” You walked out before you had to answer that.

By evening, the arrangement became real in the ugliest possible way: through documents. A preliminary draft landed in your inbox just after seven. You opened it from your bed with your shoes still on, the lamp in the corner casting weak amber light across the room. It was all there. Projected duration: six to eight weeks, subject to media response. Initial public appearance: charity benefit next Friday. Possible interview windows. Approved topics. Discouraged topics. Physical boundaries to be discussed jointly in advance. Crisis response if one of you was photographed with someone else. Suggested wording if asked how the relationship began. You stared longest at that last one. We had been friends for a while. Things changed naturally. Naturally. You almost threw your phone across the room. Instead, you dropped it onto the blanket beside you and pressed the heels of your hands against your eyes until bursts of color swam behind them. Your room was quiet. Too quiet. The kind of quiet that let every thought arrive clearly. You wondered if Steve had already received the same document. You wondered whether he hated it as much as you did. You wondered whether he regretted that Natasha had ever suggested your name. You wondered whether, somewhere under all of this, there was a part of him that wished it had been real. That last thought was the most dangerous, so naturally it stuck. A knock sounded at your door. You froze. Another knock. Softer this time. You got up, crossed the room, and opened the door halfway. Steve stood in the hallway holding a paper bag from the kitchen. Of course he did. For a second neither of you spoke. Then he lifted the bag slightly. “You skipped dinner.” You stared at him. He shifted, almost self-conscious under your silence. “I figured you might not want the common room.” The absurd tenderness of it hit you so hard you almost had to grip the edge of the door to steady yourself. “Are you monitoring my meals now, Captain?” “No,” he said, then paused. “Not officially.” That got a startled, helpless laugh out of you. His mouth softened in response. Not a full smile, but close. “Can I come in?” You stepped aside.

He entered carefully, like a man approaching a skittish animal he had no intention of frightening. He set the bag on your desk and unpacked its contents with quiet efficiency: a plate, still warm. A bottle of water. An apple. A packet of crackers. “You brought crackers.” “You forget you like them when you’re stressed.” You stared at him. He seemed to realize what he had said and glanced down briefly, as if annoyed with himself for making his noticing too obvious. “I pay attention,” he said simply. Yes, you thought. That is exactly the problem. You sat on the edge of the bed because it felt safer than standing. Steve remained by the desk for a moment before pulling the chair around to face you. He sat, forearms resting on his thighs, posture open and unthreatening. There was no version of him that did not make the room feel smaller. “I read the draft,” he said. “So did I.” “It’s worse in writing.” A humorless smile tugged at your mouth. “That feels like an achievement.” He did not smile back. “I meant what I said earlier.” “I know.” “If you want out–” “I know.” You exhaled and looked at your hands. “Steve, please stop asking me if I’m sure.” He fell silent. When you looked up, there was frustration in his face now, but only with the situation, never with you. “I’m asking because you looked like you were agreeing to something you thought you had to survive.” That was too accurate. You glanced away again. “Maybe I am.” The words slipped out before you could stop them. The room went still. You wished instantly that you could drag them back. Steve did not pounce on them. He did not rush to fill the silence with comfort or questions. He just stayed where he was, letting the truth lie between you without trying to force it into something prettier.

When he finally spoke, his voice had gone very quiet. “You don’t have to survive us.” You laughed once under your breath, but there was no humor in it. “Maybe not. But I do have to survive this place.” He studied you for a long moment. Then he said, “Is that how it feels to you?” The answer was yes. Yes, on the bad days. Yes, when every room felt full of people who belonged to history while you barely felt allowed to belong to the present. Yes, when being competent was the only thing that kept you from feeling ornamental. You did not know how to say any of that without sounding pathetic. So you gave him the edited version. “Sometimes.” Steve absorbed that with visible difficulty. “I’m sorry.” Your head lifted. “For what?” “For not noticing sooner.” That was so unfairly kind it made your eyes sting again. “You noticed,” you said, before you could think better of it. He held your gaze. “Yes,” he said. “I did.” Silence. Then, softly, because pretending suddenly seemed impossible, “Was it you?” His brow furrowed. “Was what me?” “The tea.” Understanding moved across his face in a slow, almost reluctant wave. Natasha, he thought with a flash of betrayal. Traitor. Steve looked down briefly, then back at you. “Yes.” Your pulse stumbled. “You never said anything.” “I didn’t want you to feel like I was keeping score.” That was such a Steve answer that your chest hurt. You laughed quietly and looked away before he could see too much on your face. “Well,” you murmured, “that was probably the least creepy way anyone’s ever admitted to anonymous beverage-related emotional support.” That, finally, earned a real smile. Small. Warm. Gone too soon. Then he grew serious again. “We need to decide how this works.” You straightened slightly. “Meaning?” “Meaning I don’t want PR deciding the shape of this without us.” He nodded toward your phone. “They can get the public version. They don’t get the private one.” Something cautious and fragile inside you lifted its head. “The private one,” you repeated. Steve did not seem to notice how the words affected you. “Ground rules,” he said. “For us.” You swallowed. “All right.” He counted them off on his fingers. “First: no surprises. If they add something, we discuss it first.” “Good.” “Second: no lying to each other, even if we lie to everyone else.” You looked at him for a second longer than was wise.

“That feels ambitious.” “It’s necessary.” You nodded. “Okay.” “Third: if either of us gets uncomfortable, we stop. I don’t care where we are.” “Even if it’s public?” “Especially if it’s public.” You tried for levity and only half succeeded. “You really are terrible at being fake.” His gaze remained steady on yours. “I’m not going to make this harder on you than it already is.” There it was again. That awful gentleness. You looked down, suddenly unable to bear the direct hit of it. “Right,” you said lightly, though your voice was starting to fray. “Wouldn’t want your fake girlfriend to become a workplace casualty.” The second the words left your mouth, the room changed. Steve leaned back slightly, as though he had just been struck by something he had not expected. You realized what you had called yourself. You felt stupid for noticing the effect. He spoke after a moment. “Don’t.” You looked up. His face had gone very still. “Don’t call yourself that like it’s all you are.” The air in your lungs seemed to leave all at once.

You did not have anything clever left. No joke. No easy deflection. Just a tired body, an overworked heart, and a man sitting three feet away asking you, again and again, not to reduce yourself to what you could do for other people. So you said the first true thing you had. “I don’t really know how not to.” His expression softened in a way that made your throat ache. For one terrible second, you thought he might reach for you. He did not. He just sat there and held your gaze and let the silence stay gentle. Then he said, “We can start with me not letting anyone else do it either.” You looked at him. Really looked. At the steadiness of him. At the care written all through the rigid line of his body. At the impossible fact that he was here, in your room, making rules to protect you inside a lie you had agreed to because some broken part of you still believed usefulness was safer than being wanted. You wondered, not for the first time, what exactly Steve Rogers saw when he looked at you. You were not sure you wanted to know. You were not sure you could survive knowing. So you reached for the plate instead. “Did you bring this whole meal just to emotionally devastate me into eating?” His shoulders loosened by a fraction. “Maybe.” “Effective strategy.” “I have those.” You took a bite mostly to prove a point. Then another because you realized, with dull surprise, that you were actually hungry.

Steve watched just long enough to make sure you were really eating, then looked away to give you some privacy in it. The gesture was so considerate it nearly undid you again. After a few quiet moments, he said, “They want us at the Barton Foundation event next Friday.” You swallowed. “Of course they do.” “We’ll go. We’ll smile. We’ll survive it.” The simple inclusion of we did something dangerous to your insides. You set the fork down carefully. “You keep saying that like this is a shared burden.” “It is.” You let out a soft breath. “You don’t have to make me feel better about it.” “I’m not.” He looked back at you then, and his eyes were impossibly clear. “I’m telling the truth.” Your chest tightened. You looked down before he could see the effect. Outside your windows, the city lights had started to come on one by one, turning the glass into a mirror layered over the dark.

You ate because he was there. Because he had brought food. Because, ridiculous as it was, some part of you still wanted to be good for him in the small, stupid ways that felt safe. By the time the plate was empty, the room had settled into a quiet that no longer felt hostile. Steve rose and gathered the trash without being asked. At the door, he paused. “One more rule,” he said. You looked up from the bed. “What?” “If this starts hurting you, you tell me before it gets bad.” A laugh escaped you, tired and faint. “That is an incredibly optimistic understanding of how my brain works.” He nodded once, accepting that without liking it. “Then tell me when it starts.” You held his gaze. “All right.” He studied you for a moment, like he was trying to decide whether that promise was real enough to trust. Then he gave you a small nod and opened the door. “Get some sleep.” You almost smiled. “Bossy.” “I’m right.” With that, he stepped into the hallway. You watched him go. Only after the door closed did you let yourself sag forward, elbows on your knees, face in your hands.

Your room smelled faintly of dinner and paper and the clean, impossible trace of Steve’s cologne left behind in the air. Your phone buzzed again. This time it was an email from PR titled: Relationship Narrative – Preliminary Positioning Notes You stared at it until the screen dimmed. Then you picked the phone up, opened your messages, and typed Natasha a single line. You’re a terrible person. Her reply came immediately. And yet I was right. He brought you food, didn’t he? You closed your eyes. After a moment, you typed back. I hate both of you. Three dots appeared at once. No, you don’t. Get some sleep. You set the phone facedown on the bed beside you. Across the room, the city reflected in the window like another life layered over your own. You thought about the coming weeks. The dinners. The cameras. The carefully arranged smiles. The hands that might have to linger for photographs. The lines you would both pretend had blurred naturally.

You thought about Steve in the conference room, furious on your behalf. Steve in your doorway with food because you had skipped dinner. Steve promising there would be rules. Promising you could leave. Promising, in all the ways he knew how, that you would not have to carry the whole weight of this alone. And because your mind was cruelest when the room got quiet, another thought rose beneath all the rest. This was the closest you would ever get to having him. Not truly. Not honestly. But close enough to ruin you if you were not careful. You lay back on the bed fully clothed, staring up at the ceiling. Temporary, you told yourself. Manageable. Just another role. Just another way to be useful. Just another arrangement you could survive if you kept your heart out of it. Down the hall somewhere, a door opened and shut. The Tower breathed around you, alive with people more extraordinary than you would ever feel. You turned onto your side and closed your eyes. Next Friday, you were going to stand beside Steve Rogers in front of half the world and pretend he was yours. And the worst part – the most humiliating, unforgivable part – was that some secret, starving piece of you had already begun to wonder what it might feel like if pretending ever stopped feeling different from hope.

The first week passed in a blur of choreography. PR called it natural progression, which would have been funny if it had not involved so many schedules, so many carefully timed exits, so many reminders that a hand on your back should look instinctive and not staged. There were meetings, briefings, wardrobe notes, interview prep, and a truly offensive number of emails with subject lines like Public Sentiment Optimization. You hated all of them. What you hated more was how quickly you adapted. By the time the Barton Foundation gala arrived, you already knew where Steve’s hand would settle when cameras turned your way. You already knew how close to stand at his side so you looked familiar, not forced. You already knew the exact shape of the smile required when a reporter asked how long this had been going on and whether you were “finally ready to go public.” The answer PR had approved was simple. We’d been close for a while. Things changed naturally. You said it with just enough warmth to sound sincere. Steve said it like it physically pained him. And somehow, that only made the public love him more. America adored reluctant romance, apparently. They adored the blush they imagined in the downward tilt of your chin. They adored the protective line of Steve’s body beside yours. They adored the photographs of him leaning close to hear you in crowded rooms, as though none of that had been happening long before anybody thought to monetize it.

That was the part nobody understood. The lie worked because too much of it was already true. Not the romance. Not officially. Not in any way you had the right to name. But the ease between you had not been invented in a conference room. The way Steve noticed when your smile thinned at the edges had not been taught by PR. The way you reached for him in crowds, subtle and automatic, trusting he would be there when you looked – none of that had been fabricated. It had only been weaponized. The first public appearance went better than expected, which was corporate language for you survived without visibly dissociating. The second came three days later. A breakfast fundraiser. Two photographs on arrival. One staged candid near the garden. A short exchange with a local morning show. The host, an aggressively cheerful woman with perfect hair and a predatory instinct for discomfort, had smiled at the two of you over the polished studio table and asked, “So which one of you fell first?” You nearly choked on your coffee. Steve, to his credit, had answered before you could embarrass yourself. “That’s private,” he had said with that polite, all-American smile that somehow translated to absolutely not without ever sounding rude. The clip went viral within hours. PR was ecstatic. Natasha sent you a screenshot of the trending tags with the message: Congratulations. You’re beloved. You stared at it for a full ten seconds before typing back: I hate this timeline. Her answer came almost immediately. And yet you looked pretty. You had thrown the phone face down onto your desk and informed the empty room that all your friends were terrible people.

Steve had knocked on your open door less than a minute later, eyebrows lifting.

“Talking to yourself again?”

You had looked up too fast, guilty for no reason.

“Practicing my descent into madness.”

He had leaned against the frame, arms folded loosely across his chest, a smile tugging at one corner of his mouth. “How’s that going?”

“Beautifully. I’m one more segment away from buying a false identity and fleeing the country.”

He had laughed then, low and warm, and the sound had gone through you with unfair force.

That was the second thing you hated.

The first was how quickly you adapted. The second was how quickly it started to feel good.

Not the cameras. Never the cameras. Not the interviews. Not the impossible, brittle theater of pretending for strangers.

But Steve.

Steve waiting outside your room before public events because he knew you got quieter when you were anxious. Steve bringing you coffee before early call times without asking how you took it because he already knew. Steve murmuring, “You okay?” under his breath between questions at interviews, too low for microphones to catch. Steve finding excuses to keep one hand at your back whenever a room grew too loud.

You told yourself it was part of the role.

You told yourself it had to be.

Because the alternative was admitting that every carefully arranged touch carved itself into you like something real.

Weeks passed.

The magazines changed.

The scandal with Natasha faded exactly as PR predicted, overtaken by glossy profiles and smiling photographs under newer headlines:

CAPTAIN AMERICA’S QUIET LOVE STORY THE WOMAN WHO FINALLY WON STEVE ROGERS’ HEART INSIDE THE AVENGERS’ MOST UNEXPECTED ROMANCE

You stopped reading them after the third week.

Not because they were false.

Because they kept getting too close to what you wanted.

One Friday afternoon, you found yourself in another makeup chair under another bank of bright lights while someone with an expensive blowout dabbed shimmer along your cheekbones and told you to tilt your head. The shoot was for a magazine profile that PR described as intimate and grounded, which in practice meant a rented brownstone staged to look like a shared home.

There were books arranged on tables neither of you had read. A kitchen you had never cooked in. Soft sweaters selected to make Steve look approachable and you look cherished.

You sat still while the stylist pinned a loose strand of hair behind your ear.

Across the room, Steve stood near the photographers, sleeves rolled to his forearms, jaw set in a way you recognized by now as his version of barely concealed displeasure.

He caught your eye in the mirror.

You raised one eyebrow.

He exhaled once through his nose, the faintest sign of exasperation.

You almost smiled.

Later, when the first set wrapped and the crew moved lights for the next room, Steve found you near the catering table where you were aggressively ignoring a plate of suspiciously perfect fruit.

“This is ridiculous,” he muttered.

You picked up a grape and inspected it like evidence.

“That narrows it down so helpfully.”

His mouth twitched.

“They asked if I could carry you up the stairs.”

You nearly choked laughing.

“They did not.”

“They did.”

“And?”

“I said no.”

“Well,” you said gravely, “there went our cover.”

He leaned one shoulder against the wall beside you, close enough that the sleeve of his sweater brushed your arm.

The contact was slight. It still made your pulse trip.

“They’re pushing more every time,” he said quietly.

You popped the grape into your mouth mostly to avoid answering right away.

He was right.

The first events had been manageable: smiles, appearances, shared glances. Then came hand-holding. Then came invitations to sit with your knees touching on late-night couches. Then came photographers asking for softer expressions, closer angles, “something less posed, more in love.”

And because the arrangement was working – because public opinion had shifted, because people adored the story, because the lie had become profitable – everyone wanted more.

You swallowed.

“I know.”

Steve’s gaze moved over your face, steady and searching.

“Tell me if it gets to be too much.”

There it was again.

That promise. That infuriating gentleness.

You looked away first, because if you did not, he would notice too much.

“I’ll survive.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

A laugh slipped out, tired and thin. “You should stop using therapist language on me. It’s unsettling.”

His expression remained serious.

“I mean it.”

You set the untouched fruit back down.

“I know you do.”

That was the problem, always. Steve meant things. Fully. Earnestly. Without reservation. It made everything harder to dismiss.

A producer called your names from across the room. Next setup.

Steve straightened and held out a hand.

Professional. Helpful. Public.

Your eyes dropped to it.

He must have seen something in your face because his voice softened.

“We can push back.”

You looked from his hand to his eyes.

Then you placed your fingers in his.

“It’s okay,” you said.

The lie had become so familiar it no longer even sounded like one.

The interviews got worse before they got unbearable.

By week four, the public had decided you were adorable together. Clips of the two of you circulated constantly – Steve holding doors, Steve adjusting your chair, Steve lowering his head to murmur something against your temple while you laughed at a charity luncheon. A hundred tiny moments, some real, some arranged, all of them consumed with greedy affection by people who wanted love stories to come in neat visual packages.

The world decided Steve Rogers was softer with you.

It turned out the world was right.

One evening, after a particularly exhausting panel appearance, the two of you rode the elevator back up to the residential floors in silence. The event had been merciless. Three interviewers, one live audience, one compilation reel of your “cutest moments,” and a final rapid-fire segment during which a host had asked what Steve’s favorite thing about you was.

You had laughed it off. Steve had not.

He had looked directly at you, not the camera, and said, “She notices people. Even when they think nobody sees them.”

The audience had melted. The internet had exploded. And you had spent the rest of the segment trying not to come apart on live television.

Now the elevator hummed softly around you.

Steve stood beside the control panel, tie loosened, jacket slung over one shoulder. You leaned back against the mirrored wall, arms crossed, too tired to perform anymore.

Neither of you spoke until the doors opened.

He followed you into the hallway anyway.

“Did I overstep?”

You turned.

“What?”

“On stage.”

Realization struck belatedly.

“No.”

He studied your face. “You went quiet.”

You let out a small breath, halfway between a laugh and surrender.

“I went quiet because I wasn’t expecting that answer.”

His brow furrowed. “Was it wrong?”

The simple sincerity of the question caught you off guard.

You looked at him – really looked, at the open concern on his face, the loosened tie, the strain of a long day sitting under his skin – and something in you softened before you could stop it.

“No,” you said. “It wasn’t wrong.”

The corridor lights painted a pale band across one side of his face. He remained still, waiting, as if he would not let you escape with only half the truth.

So, against your better judgment, you gave him a little more.

“It was just…” You swallowed. “A lot.”

His expression gentled.

“Because it was too personal?”

Because it was true, you thought. Because you said things like that about people you loved.

You forced a crooked smile.

“Because you can’t say things like that on camera unless you want the internet to write six hundred think pieces about how secretly in love you are.”

The corner of his mouth lifted, brief and restrained.

“They’re already writing those.”

“Fair.”

You started to turn toward your door, but his voice stopped you.

“It was true.”

You froze.

The words settled into the air between you.

Your hand tightened on your room key.

When you looked back, Steve had not moved. He was just standing there in the hallway, broad and earnest and devastatingly unguarded.

“What was?” you asked, though you knew.

His gaze stayed on yours.

“What I said.”

Your chest drew tight so fast it hurt.

You tried for lightness and missed entirely.

“Careful, Rogers. You’re going to ruin the whole fake aspect.”

He did not smile this time.

“I know you think you have to be useful all the time,” he said quietly. “But that’s not why people keep you.”

That knocked the breath out of you.

You stared at him.

He went on before you could recover.

“It’s not why I–”

A door opened somewhere down the hall.

The sound broke whatever fragile, dangerous thing had begun to take shape between you.

Steve stopped.

You looked away first.

“Good night,” you said too quickly.

He hesitated.

Then, softly, “Good night.”

You made it into your room before the shaking in your hands became obvious.

Inside, you pressed your back to the closed door and shut your eyes.

Your phone buzzed on the desk with a flood of post-show notifications you did not want to read.

All you could hear was his voice.

That’s not why people keep you.

And worse.

It’s not why I–

You did not sleep much that night.

By the sixth week, even the Tower started treating it like something real.

Sam stopped knocking before walking into shared common rooms when the two of you were there, as though he had unconsciously filed you together. Wanda smiled at you in that quiet, knowing way of hers that made your skin heat. Clint, traitor that he was, asked Steve in front of three other people whether he planned to bring you to the farm “as an official thing.”

Natasha, of course, looked entertained by all of it.

“You’re glowing,” she informed you one morning over coffee.

“I’m under fluorescent lighting.”

“That isn’t what I meant.”

You gave her a flat look.

She stirred her tea, elegant and merciless. “You’re attached.”

“I am absolutely not.”

Natasha raised one shoulder. “Whatever helps you sleep.”

That almost made you laugh, because sleeping had become its own separate disaster.

The closer you and Steve got in public, the more impossible it became to keep the distance clean in private.

You knew the shape of his hand now. The warmth of it. The exact pressure of his palm at your waist when cameras clustered too tightly. The smell of his aftershave when he leaned down near your ear to say something only you were meant to hear. The roughness of his voice late at night after too many hours performing something neither of you could name without breaking.

You learned the signs of his fatigue. The way his shoulders tightened before interviews. The way he rubbed the back of his neck after long appearances. The way his gaze always found you first in crowded rooms, as if checking that you were still there before he could breathe fully.

It should have made the lie easier.

Instead, it hollowed you out.

Because every good moment came wrapped in its own expiration date.

Because every time Steve looked at you too softly, you had to remember it was happening inside an arrangement that would end. Because every time your fingers tangled together in public, you had to act as though your body did not notice the difference between staged affection and real wanting.

And because some part of you had started to suspect there was a difference for him too.

That suspicion became dangerous during the winter campaign shoot.

The magazine wanted holiday intimacy.

That was the phrase the creative director used, cheerful and oblivious, while explaining the concept inside a studio dressed up like a townhouse in December. There were strings of warm lights, a couch draped in wool throws, a half-decorated tree, fake snow piled against the windows, and a soundtrack of soft jazz too low to be ignored.

You stood in the middle of it all wearing a cream-colored sweater someone else had chosen for you, while Steve emerged from wardrobe in dark slacks and a charcoal henley that made the room briefly forget how to function.

The stylist fussed at your sleeves. The photographer tested angles. Someone adjusted the lights.

Then the shoot began.

At first, it was the usual kind of torture.

Stand closer. Turn toward him. Look at each other, not the camera. Relax your shoulders. Steve, hand at her waist. Chin up. Good, beautiful, hold that.

You did as instructed.

You always did.

Because Steve’s hand at your waist was warm and firm and impossible to ignore. Because his thumb shifted once, almost unconsciously, against the knit of your sweater. Because every time you looked up on cue, his eyes were already on you, and there was never enough acting in either of you to make that feel fake.

The photographer grew bolder as the hour went on.

Sit on the couch. Closer. No, closer. Steve, arm around her shoulders. Good. Now look like you’re sharing a secret. Perfect. Now foreheads together.

You obeyed.

Your forehead touched Steve’s. His breath feathered warm over your skin. The room went distant around the edges.

“Beautiful,” the photographer murmured. “Now smile, both of you. Like nobody else exists.”

That was the easiest instruction of the day.

The dangerous thing was how natural it felt.

By the time the crew paused to reset for the final shots, your nerves were stretched so tight you could feel each one. Steve must have sensed it. He always did. He guided you quietly away from the center of the studio while makeup darted in to powder his jaw.

“You okay?” he asked under his breath.

You almost laughed.

“Is it too late to fake my own death?”

His mouth twitched. “Probably.”

“Shame.”

He studied your face, concern sharpening the blue of his eyes under the lights.

“We can tell them no.”

And there it was again. The offer. The open door.

The thing was, by then you no longer trusted yourself with the word yes or the word no where he was concerned. Both seemed equally dangerous.

So you did what you always did.

You made yourself manageable.

“I’m fine.”

His expression suggested exactly what he thought of that answer.

Before he could say more, the creative director clapped her hands.

“Last setup, everyone! We’re going for the money shot.”

You and Steve exchanged a glance. Neither of you liked the sound of that.

The photographer smiled brightly when you returned to set.

“All right,” he said. “You’ve been amazing. We’ve got chemistry, softness, tension– the whole thing. Now I need one last image to anchor the story.”

Every instinct in your body sharpened.

“What kind of image?” Steve asked.

The photographer beamed.

“A kiss.”

Silence.

The studio did not stop moving exactly, but it changed. You felt it in the tiny delay before anyone else spoke. In the way makeup froze. In the way the assistant with the clipboard suddenly became very interested in not looking at either of you.

Steve answered first.

“No.”

The word came flat and immediate.

The photographer blinked. “It would be tasteful–”

“No,” Steve repeated.

The creative director stepped in, all practiced reassurance.

“It doesn’t have to be explicit. Just intimate enough to sell the cover line.”

Steve’s jaw locked.

“We didn’t agree to that.”

You could feel the eyes in the room sliding toward you, measuring, waiting to see whether this became a problem.

The old instinct kicked in before you could stop it.

Smooth it over. Make it easy. Don’t be difficult. Don’t be the reason everyone has to rearrange.

“It’s okay,” you said.

Steve turned to you so fast it almost startled you.

“No, it isn’t.”

The directness of it hit hard enough to leave you flinching inwardly.

The creative director sensed weakness and pressed.

“It’s one shot,” she said. “It doesn’t even have to be a full kiss. Just enough to imply the moment.”

Steve did not take his eyes off you.

“You do not have to do this.”

The room waited.

Your pulse pounded at the base of your throat.

This was different from hand-holding. Different from a palm at your back. Different from resting your head on his shoulder for a camera and pretending it did not mean anything.

A kiss was a line.

A kiss would not feel fake. Not to you.

That was exactly why you should have refused.

Instead, you heard yourself say, “We can do one.”

Steve stared at you.

The expression on his face was not anger. It was worse.

It was the look of a man watching you step toward something sharp because you thought bleeding quietly was easier than making a scene.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

No, you thought. Not even slightly.

But the whole room was watching. And Steve was looking at you like he might stop the entire thing if you gave him reason.

You could not bear to be the reason.

So you gave the same doomed answer you had given in the conference room weeks before.

“Yes.”

The set seemed to exhale.

The photographer repositioned you both immediately, eager, thoughtless, triumphant.

“Perfect. By the window. Steve, turn into her. One hand here– yes, at her waist. One hand on his chest. Great. Now look at each other. Slow. Natural. Like you’ve been about to do this all day.”

You placed your hand against Steve’s chest.

The world narrowed.

His heart beat steady under your palm. His hand settled at your waist, broader and warmer than it had any right to be. He looked at you, not the cameras, not the crew, only you.

For one impossible second, nobody else existed.

Your breath caught.

He felt it. You knew he did.

“Tell me to stop,” he said so quietly only you could hear.

The studio blurred at the edges. The lights became heat. His thumb shifted once at your side, a barely-there movement that nearly undid you.

You should have told him to stop.

Instead, because you were weak where he was concerned, because you were tired, because wanting had been eating you alive for weeks and here he was close enough to ruin you with a glance, you whispered, “It’s okay.”

His expression changed.

Something in him gave way. Not dramatically. Not visibly to anyone but you.

Just enough.

Then he leaned in.

The first touch of his mouth against yours was meant to be brief.

You knew that. He knew that.

It should have been an illusion. A suggestion. A clean, staged thing for a magazine cover.

It was not.

The second your lips met, the entire careful lie shattered.

Steve kissed you like a man trying not to. Like restraint was still there, still present, but fraying fast at the edges. It was gentle for one heartbeat, then not gentle enough. Real enough that your hand curled instinctively in the fabric at his chest. Real enough that his hold at your waist tightened without permission. Real enough that some sound went up around the set – someone inhaling, someone shifting, someone delighted by the shot – while you forgot completely how to breathe.

“Got it,” the photographer called, too far away to matter. “Beautiful. Hold–”

Steve broke the kiss as if he had been burned.

The distance between you reappeared all at once.

Your mouth parted on an unsteady breath. His eyes were dark, stunned, fixed on yours like he no longer trusted himself to look anywhere else.

The set erupted into movement.

The crew was pleased. Of course they were pleased. They had their cover.

“Perfect,” somebody said. “That was it exactly.” “Incredible chemistry.”

You heard none of it properly.

All you heard was the blood rushing in your ears.

Steve stepped back.

“Shoot’s over,” he said, voice rougher than it had been all day.

The creative director laughed lightly. “We actually have one more option–”

“No,” he said.

Nobody argued.

Maybe it was the tone. Maybe it was the way he looked. Maybe everyone in the room finally realized they had pushed far enough.

The rest became a blur.

Wardrobe. Makeup removal. People thanking you. A publicist telling you the cover would do numbers.

You changed clothes with shaking hands and left through a side exit because someone said it would be easier. The evening air hit cold and sharp against your overheated skin.

You had almost made it to the waiting car when Steve caught up to you.

“Wait.”

You stopped. Not because you meant to. Because you always stopped for him.

He stood a few feet away under the alley light, coat open, hair slightly disordered from the shoot. He looked less like Captain America than he had all day. Less composed. More dangerous.

For a second, neither of you spoke.

Then he said, “I’m sorry.”

The words landed wrong.

You stared at him.

“For what?”

“For that.”

You laughed once, hollow and disbelieving.

“The kiss?”

“Yes.”

Something sharp turned over inside your chest.

“Why?”

His jaw tightened.

“Because it wasn’t supposed to go like that.”

No, you thought. It absolutely was not.

You should have let it end there. Should have nodded, gotten into the car, gone upstairs, preserved what little dignity remained.

Instead, because humiliation had a way of making you reckless, you asked, “And how exactly did it go?”

His eyes closed for the briefest second.

When they opened again, whatever he was trying to contain was no longer entirely under control.

“You know how it went.”

You did.

That was the problem.

You folded your arms to stop yourself reaching for him.

“Then maybe don’t apologize like it was some terrible accident.”

His gaze snapped back to yours.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Isn’t it?”

“You think I regret kissing you?”

He stepped closer as he said it, not enough to touch, just enough to send your pulse into chaos all over again.

The alley felt too small. The air too thin.

“Don’t do that,” he said, voice low.

“Do what?”

“Put words in my mouth because you’re scared of your own.”

That hit so cleanly it left you angry before you even understood why.

You laughed again, brittle now.

“My own what, exactly?”

He looked at you as though he could already see the answer and did not know whether he had the right to say it first.

The waiting car idled at the curb behind you. Somewhere down the block, traffic moved through the city as if the world had not just split open under your feet.

Then Steve said, very quietly, “Come upstairs.”

You should have refused.

You knew that even as the words settled between you.

You knew exactly what kind of precipice you were standing on. You knew you had spent six weeks learning the shape of his mouth in almosts and near-misses and impossible restraint. You knew you were one wrong decision from making the whole arrangement unsalvageable.

You also knew you had wanted him for so long it felt like an illness.

So you said yes.

The elevator ride to his floor was silent.

Not uncomfortable. Worse.

The kind of silence so charged it stopped being empty and became a living thing in its own right. You stood at one side of the small space, Steve at the other, both of you facing forward like restraint still existed in any meaningful way.

The mirrored walls trapped you together.

You could still feel the kiss in your mouth. Still feel the shape of his hand at your waist. Still hear him asking you not to put fear into words before either of you had the courage to name what had happened.

When the doors opened, neither of you spoke. Steve led you down the corridor to his room, opened the door, and stepped aside to let you in.

You had been there before.

Never like this.

Usually it had been for something ordinary – a shared cup of coffee after missions, a conversation that ran late, helping him sort boxes of old files when he was in one of his restless moods. His room had always felt like him: spare, ordered, functional in a way that somehow still held warmth. Books stacked on the desk. Running shoes by the wall. A half-finished sketch turned facedown near the lamp.

Tonight it felt smaller.

Too full of him. Too aware of you.

The door clicked shut behind you.

Still, neither of you moved.

Then Steve said, “I shouldn’t have let them push that far.”

You turned slowly.

His face was shadowed now without studio lights flattening it, the blue of his eyes darker in the low warmth of the room.

“You tried to stop it.”

“That wasn’t enough.”

The self-reproach in his voice did something awful to your chest.

“Steve.”

He took one step toward you.

“I knew,” he said.

Your breath caught. “Knew what?”

“That if I kissed you, I wasn’t going to be able to pretend it was just for them.”

Silence.

The room dropped out from under you.

You stared at him.

He looked almost angry saying it – not at you, never at you, but at himself for the admission. At the loss of control it implied. At the truth of wanting.

“That’s why I asked if you were sure,” he went on, quieter now. “Not because I didn’t want to. Because I did.”

Heat flashed through you so fast it hurt.

You did not realize you had moved until you were closer. Until the space between you was narrow enough to feel dangerous again.

“Then why are you still standing over there?” you whispered.

Something in him snapped.

He crossed the distance in two strides and kissed you like he had been holding it back for weeks.

Maybe he had.

This time there were no cameras. No set. No audience waiting to consume the image.

Just Steve, one hand sliding into your hair, the other bracing at your waist as your body gave in before your mind caught up. You kissed him back with all the ruinous honesty you had spent weeks denying yourself. His mouth was warmer now, hungrier, and when you made a soft, broken sound against him he swallowed it like he had been wanting to hear it for a very long time.

You stumbled. He caught you instantly. Your hands found his shoulders, then the back of his neck, then the line of his jaw as if none of them knew how to stop touching him.

The kiss broke only because breathing became necessary.

His forehead rested against yours. His hand trembled once at your side.

That undid you more than anything else.

“You’re shaking,” you whispered.

A humorless breath escaped him, almost a laugh.

“So are you.”

He was right.

You were.

Not from fear exactly. From the overwhelming, destabilizing shock of finding yourself wanted back.

You lifted your head enough to look at him.

“Tell me to leave,” you said.

He looked stricken.

“No.”

“Steve.”

“If you want to go, I’ll let you go.” His voice roughened. “But I’m not going to tell you to.”

The honesty of it tore straight through you.

So you kissed him again.

Everything after that happened with the dizzy inevitability of a fall you had both been circling for too long.

Hands. Breath. The slow backward steps that brought you to the edge of his bed. The way he stopped, even then, even there, to search your face with that terrible carefulness of his and ask, “Are you sure?”

You had never been less sure of anything and wanted anything more.

“Yes,” you said.

And then, because you needed him to understand, “Please.”

Whatever restraint remained in him burned down after that.

He touched you like you were both precious and dangerous. Like he still could not quite believe you were there. Like every careful public almost had left him starving too.

You learned what Steve sounded like when his control finally broke. Learned how gentle and undone could exist inside the same man. Learned the devastating contrast between the measured touch he offered the world and the reverent hunger of his hands in private.

It was not neat. It was not polished. It was not any of the clean fantasies people sold in magazines.

It was better. And therefore infinitely worse.

Because you felt everything.

Every look. Every breath. Every quiet check-in he forced out through his own unraveling. Every moment he paused as if he still could not bear the possibility of hurting you. Every time he said your name like it meant more than either of you knew how to survive.

Afterward, the room went still in that strange, fragile way it only did when something irreversible had happened.

You lay tangled in warmth and sheets and exhaustion, heart still too fast, skin humming in the aftermath. Steve lay beside you on his back, one arm bent under his head, breathing slow but not entirely steady yet.

The dim light from the bedside lamp softened everything.

For one reckless, suspended stretch of time, it felt almost peaceful.

Then reality began to return in pieces.

The shoot. The cover. The arrangement. The fact that the whole world already thought it knew what this was, while you had no idea how to name what had just happened.

You turned your head toward him.

Steve was already looking at the ceiling, expression unreadable in the low light.

That scared you more than if he had looked panicked.

“Say something,” you whispered.

His throat moved as he swallowed.

When he turned to face you, his eyes were full of too many things at once – tenderness, exhaustion, want, and beneath all of it something heavy and troubled.

“I shouldn’t have let this happen.”

The words hit like cold water.

You went very still.

For a second, you could not actually understand them. Your body was still warm from him. Your mouth still knew his. And yet…

You sat up too fast, dragging the sheet with you.

“Okay,” you said, because there was nothing else to say if humiliation was going to kill you anyway. “Got it.”

He pushed himself upright immediately.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“It kind of sounds exactly like what you meant.”

His face tightened.

“I mean I should have been more careful with you.”

There it was.

The instinct to protect. The instinct to regret on your behalf. The instinct to take this beautiful, terrible thing and turn it into something noble and distant so he did not have to face wanting it too much.

You climbed off the bed and started gathering your clothes from the floor with hands that only shook a little.

“Don’t,” he said, standing too.

“Don’t what?”

“Turn this into me using you.”

You laughed, low and unbelieving, pulling your sweater over your head with more force than necessary.

“That would be a lot easier to deal with, actually.”

His expression changed sharply.

“Don’t say that.”

“Why not? We’re already halfway there.”

His jaw set.

“No.”

You turned to face him fully then, sweater half straightened, pride doing most of the work where emotional stability had failed.

“You know what, Steve? You don’t get to tell me what this was if you’re just going to back away from it five minutes later.”

He stared at you. The room felt charged all over again, but now with pain instead of want.

“I’m not backing away,” he said.

A lie. Or maybe a truth he had not realized was one yet.

You looked at him and saw the war already starting inside him. Duty against desire. Protection against honesty. Fear disguised as self-control.

And because you knew something about disguising fear, you recognized it immediately.

You buttoned your jeans with unsteady fingers.

“It’s late,” you said.

He took one step forward. “Stay.”

The word nearly broke you.

Because he meant it in the moment. Because you did not trust the morning. Because staying now would mean watching him decide, in daylight, that distance was the kinder choice.

You shook your head.

His face fell, just slightly.

“I think,” you said carefully, each word scraping on the way out, “we’ve probably done enough damage for one night.”

Pain flashed across his features.

That at least made you feel less alone in it.

He stopped moving then, as if he had realized pushing would only make it worse.

“I’ll walk you downstairs.”

“No.”

You grabbed your coat from the chair.

“I can manage.”

The phrase sounded ugly the second it left your mouth. Too sharp. Too familiar. Useful in a different shape.

Steve heard it too.

His shoulders tensed, but he did not argue.

You reached the door with your heartbeat pounding in your ears.

Your hand touched the handle.

Then his voice stopped you one last time.

“This wasn’t nothing.”

You closed your eyes.

For one second – one weak, starving second – you nearly turned back.

But nothing was not the problem. Something was.

Something was always the thing that ruined you.

So you opened the door.

“I know,” you said, without looking at him. “That’s what scares me.”

Then you left.

The next morning, Steve did exactly what men with too much honor and not enough emotional courage always did.

He decided distance was protection.

At first it came dressed in practical excuses.

He missed breakfast. Then a planning meeting. Then a charity prep session he was supposed to attend with you and sent Sam in his place instead.

His messages became sparse. Polite. Measured.

Running late. PR can handle today’s notes. Mission review went long. Get some sleep. You did well in the interview.

No jokes. No soft check-ins. No quiet knocks at your door with food because you forgot to eat.

The space where he had been grew teeth.

You told yourself not to overreact.

He was busy. He was Steve. He was probably trying to think. Trying to be careful. Trying to do the right thing in the stupid, destructive way that only someone fundamentally decent could manage.

It still hurt.

By the third day, everyone noticed something had changed.

Not the public. Never the public. In front of cameras, Steve remained perfect. If anything, he became more attentive, more polished, more flawlessly convincing. His hand still found your back. He still looked at you the right way when photographers called for softer expressions. He still answered interview questions with calm warmth and just enough intimacy to keep the narrative alive.

That almost made it worse.

Because the tenderness had become performance.

And maybe it had always been, you told yourself viciously. Maybe you had simply been stupid enough to confuse professionalism with care.

Except you knew that was not true. You knew what his care felt like when no one was watching. You knew the difference.

That knowledge did nothing to help you.

One evening, after a radio interview where Steve had spent the entire segment sounding like a man reading from a script carved into his bones, you made it back to your room and sat on the floor instead of turning on the light.

Your phone buzzed once.

A message from PR confirming tomorrow’s schedule.

Another from Natasha.

You look terrible. What happened?

You stared at it, then locked the screen without answering.

A minute later, it lit up again.

That wasn’t an insult. Call me.

You put the phone facedown on the carpet and pressed your forehead to your knees.

In therapy, they called this spiraling.

You called it Tuesday.

Somewhere in the mess of your head, one thought kept pulsing like a bruise.

Of course he pulled away. Of course he did. You had taken the one thing you were supposed to keep clean and made it ugly with need. You had mistaken a role for a possibility. You had done what you always did – wanted too much, felt too much, trusted the wrong thing to be real.

By the end of the week, the distance no longer felt accidental.

It felt chosen.

And because pain had a cruel way of sharpening old beliefs into certainty, one sentence began to settle at the center of everything:

He had wanted you for a night. He had not wanted what came with you after.

You hated yourself for how quickly you believed it.

You hated him a little for giving the fear somewhere to live.

And the worst part – the part that hollowed you out most completely – was that even then, even hurting, even humiliated, even watching him step back in the name of protecting you, you still loved him enough to let him.

By the time it happened, you were already unraveling.

Not publicly.

Publicly, you were lovely.

Publicly, you smiled with the right amount of softness and let Steve’s hand settle at your back as if it did not burn. Publicly, you tilted your head during interviews and laughed at the right cues and answered questions in careful, practiced fragments that gave away nothing except what PR wanted. Publicly, the two of you remained immaculate.

Privately, you were coming apart so quietly that nobody noticed at first.

Or maybe they did, and they assumed you would handle it the way you handled everything else: silently, efficiently, in a way that inconvenienced no one.

Steve’s distance did not arrive all at once.

That would have been easier.

If he had turned cold, you could have hated him. If he had looked ashamed, you could have armored yourself against it. If he had said plainly this was a mistake, at least the wound would have had a clean edge.

Instead, he stayed kind.

That was the cruelty of it.

He stayed attentive in public because the role required it. He stayed polite in private because he was Steve. He never gave you anything ugly enough to fight, only absence in measured doses.

He knocked less. He lingered less. He stopped finding reasons to appear at your door. His messages became practical, his presence carefully rationed, his concern folded away so neatly it almost looked like respect.

The space where he had been began to echo.

You told yourself it was fine.

Then you stopped sleeping.

Not completely. Not in some dramatic, sleepless collapse. Just enough to wear you down slowly. You drifted off in broken pieces, woke with your pulse already high, lay staring at the ceiling while the Tower breathed around you. Every night your mind picked through the same scraps with obsessive precision: the kiss on set, the night in his room, the softness afterward, the shift, the distance, the way he still looked at you sometimes as if he felt it too and then stepped back before either of you could drown in it.

You started missing breakfast. Then lunch. Then meals altogether unless somebody physically put food in front of you and stayed long enough to make not eating embarrassing.

Natasha noticed. Of course she noticed.

She cornered you in the gym one afternoon while you were pretending to stretch after a workout you had barely completed.

“You look like hell,” she said.

You sat back on the mat and wiped your forehead with the back of your wrist.

“Your concern is overwhelming.”

“I’m serious.”

“I can tell. You’re using your murder voice.”

Natasha did not smile.

You looked away first.

That was answer enough, apparently, because her expression sharpened.

“Did he do something?”

You laughed once, brittle and tired.

“No. That’s the problem.”

Natasha was silent for a beat.

Then, in a tone flatter than usual, “He pulled away.”

You picked at a loose thread near the hem of your sleeve.

“I’m fine.”

“That isn’t what I said.”

You let out a thin breath. “I noticed.”

“I know.”

You hated how gentle those two words sounded coming from her. Natasha was not supposed to sound gentle. It felt unfair, almost invasive.

You got to your feet before she could say anything worse.

“I have a meeting.”

She reached out and caught your wrist.

Not hard. Just enough.

When you looked at her, she was watching you with the cool, unblinking focus she usually reserved for threats.

“He’s an idiot,” she said.

Something ugly and aching flickered through you.

“Please don’t,” you said quietly.

Her grip loosened at once.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t make me feel like I get to be angry.”

Understanding moved across her face.

That was worse than pity would have been.

You slipped free and walked out before she could stop you.

The conversation about Peggy happened three days later.

You had not meant to overhear it.

The Tower was full of overheard things. Half the building was glass and open space and voices carrying from one room to another when people assumed they were alone.

You had been on your way back from a meeting with PR – a useless hour spent discussing “public tone consistency” for an upcoming feature – when you realized you had left your notebook in one of the smaller conference rooms. You doubled back through a quieter corridor, heels silent against the polished floor, grateful for the temporary absence of cameras, stylists, handlers, any person whose job depended on reminding you how convincingly in love you appeared.

Voices drifted from the partially open lounge ahead.

Steve’s was unmistakable.

You slowed before you could stop yourself.

He was not alone. Sam, maybe. Or Bucky. You could not tell immediately. The second voice came lower, blurred by the angle.

You should have kept walking.

You knew that. You knew exactly what kind of person listened at doors, and you had always hated becoming that person.

Then Steve said Peggy’s name.

And you stopped.

Not because Peggy mattered in some abstract historical sense. Not because you were jealous of a dead woman or a lost life or the shape of grief in him you had no right to resent.

You stopped because the name already lived inside every insecurity you had where Steve was concerned. Because Peggy Carter had become, over time, less a woman and more a legend. A standard. A ghost made of grace and certainty and conviction.

You stood very still.

Through the gap in the door, you could see only part of the room. The corner of a sofa. The edge of Steve’s shoulder. One of his hands wrapped around a coffee mug.

Sam’s voice came first, clearer this time.

“You keep comparing everything to the life you didn’t get.”

A pause.

Then Steve, quiet, tired, honest in the way people only were when they forgot anyone else might hear:

“It’s not about comparison.”

“Then what is it about?”

Longer silence.

When Steve answered, something in his voice made your chest tighten before the words even landed.

“She knew who she was.”

You stopped breathing.

Sam said something you did not catch.

Steve continued anyway.

“Peggy… she wasn’t uncertain. She wasn’t always happy, but she was steady. She knew what she was worth. She didn’t make herself smaller to fit whatever somebody needed from her.”

The corridor tilted.

You stood frozen where you were, notebook forgotten, pulse suddenly loud enough to drown out the blood rushing in your ears.

He did not say your name.

That should have mattered.

It did not.

Because your name was there anyway, in every omission.

Not uncertain. Not always happy, but steady. Knew what she was worth. Didn’t make herself smaller to fit whatever somebody needed from her.

The words laid themselves over you with surgical precision, each one finding exactly the bruise it needed.

You did not wait to hear more.

Maybe he said something after that which might have softened it. Maybe Sam argued. Maybe Steve would have explained, clarified, denied.

None of that mattered by then.

You turned and walked away before your body remembered how.

The corridor blurred at the edges. The bright overhead lights became too sharp. You kept walking because stopping would have meant feeling the hit in full, and you did not have the luxury of collapsing in the middle of Avengers Tower.

By the time you reached your room, your hands were shaking hard enough that it took three tries to unlock the door.

Once inside, you closed it quietly. That part, at least, remained instinctive. Never make a scene. Never let the damage sound as bad as it feels.

You stood in the middle of the room for a full minute doing absolutely nothing.

Then you laughed.

A horrible sound. Small and cracked and unbelieving.

Of course.

Of course that was what it came down to.

Not cruelty. Never cruelty. Steve did not do cruelty.

Just clarity.

Peggy had been certainty. Peggy had been value without negotiation. Peggy had been someone who knew her own shape in the world and never apologized for occupying it.

And you…

You were a mess. A tangle of coping mechanisms and usefulness and weekly therapy appointments. A person who still measured her place in every room by whether she was helping. A person who had slept with him because wanting had outweighed sense and then been surprised when he tried to put distance back between you like he could save you from the mess of yourself.

You sank onto the edge of the bed and pressed both hands over your mouth.

Something was wrong with your breathing.

In for four. Hold. Out for six.

You tried.

It did not work.

Your phone buzzed on the nightstand. You looked at it without seeing.

Another buzz. Then another.

PR, maybe. Natasha. A scheduling assistant.

You could not imagine answering anybody ever again.

At some point you realized you were crying only because your vision had gone watery and your throat hurt. It did not feel dramatic. It did not feel cleansing. It just felt humiliatingly physical, like your body had decided to betray you in one more boring, inconvenient way.

You did not know how long you stayed like that.

Eventually the crying stopped on its own, leaving behind a cottony, numb exhaustion.

Then the practical part of you – the one that took over when emotion became unmanageable – rose up and began issuing instructions.

Leave. Before he knocks. Before someone notices. Before you hear one more carefully kind thing that makes this worse. Leave before you start begging for dignity from people who never promised to protect it.

You stood.

Your room felt unreal, as if it already belonged to someone else.

You pulled a duffel bag from the closet and packed without much thought. Jeans. Sweaters. Medication. Charger. Toothbrush. A book you did not expect to read. Underwear shoved in carelessly. A hoodie that you wore all the time because it was the softest thing you owned.

Halfway through, you had to sit down again because your hands would not stop trembling.

You stared at the open bag on the bed and thought, with detached clarity, this is ridiculous.

Then, equally clearly: staying would be worse.

There was only one place you could go.

One person who would open the door without asking too many questions first.

Maya.

Your oldest friend. Possibly your only real one. Not part of the Tower. Not impressed by the Avengers. Not interested in your talent for minimizing your own suffering until it became untenable.

You typed with stiff fingers.

Can I come over?

The reply came almost immediately.

Yes. What happened?

You looked at the words for several seconds.

Then you typed.

I just need air.

The three dots appeared. Disappeared. Appeared again.

Come.

That was all.

You stared at the message until your vision blurred.

Then you opened a new thread. Steve’s.

For one full minute, you did nothing.

What could you even say?

I heard you. You were right. Thank you for finally confirming every awful thing I already thought.

In the end, you wrote the only version you could survive sending.

I need some air. Don’t worry. I’ll be gone a few days.

Too short. Too formal. Wrong in your mouth.

You knew it the second you looked at it.

It did not sound like you. It sounded like someone trying very hard not to bleed on the screen.

All the more reason to send it quickly before you lost your nerve.

You hit send.

The reply came before you had even zipped the bag.

What happened?

Then, immediately after.

Where are you going?

And then.

Are you safe?

You put the phone face down on the bed.

The screen lit up again. Then again.

You turned it to silent.

Not off. Just silent. Enough distance to breathe. Enough cruelty to count as temporary.

When you finally left your room, the hallway outside was empty.

Good.

You took the stairs instead of the elevator.

You did not want to risk running into anyone. Did not want Steve stepping out of some corridor at the exact wrong second and looking at you with all that impossible concern while you still had enough self-control left to keep moving.

By the time you reached the garage level, your chest hurt from holding yourself together.

You drove with the radio off.

Halfway across the city, Steve called.

Your phone lit up on the passenger seat with his name bright across the screen.

You stared at it until it stopped.

Then it started again.

You turned the screen over.

You did not answer.

Maya opened the door before you knocked twice.

She took one look at your face and stepped aside immediately.

“Shoes off,” she said. “Then you tell me whether I need wine, tea, or a shovel.”

A laugh escaped you before you could stop it – small, wrecked, entirely without humor.

“Tea,” you managed.

“Coward.”

Her apartment smelled like laundry detergent and basil and the candle she always forgot she had lit. Safe, in the plainest possible way. Human-sized. No reinforced glass. No PR handlers. No godlike beings or soldiers or spies pretending they understood normal life.

You set your bag down just inside the hall.

Maya did not hug you.

You loved her for that.

She had known you long enough to understand that touching was dangerous when you were holding yourself together by threads. So she just tilted her head toward the kitchen and said, “Sit.”

You sat.

She filled the kettle. Got mugs down. Moved around the kitchen with brisk, competent ease while pretending not to watch you too closely.

Only when the tea was steeping did she lean against the counter and fold her arms.

“All right,” she said. “Talk.”

You stared at the table.

“I left.”

“I can see that.”

A weak breath that might have been a laugh left you.

“Steve said something.”

Her expression changed very slightly.

Not surprise. Not yet. Just attention narrowing.

“You want to be more specific before I decide whether to stab him?”

You swallowed.

“It wasn’t even to me.”

That made her go still.

You looked up long enough to catch the sharpened line of her mouth before dropping your gaze again.

“I overheard him talking about Peggy.”

Maya did not interrupt.

You wrapped both hands around the mug she slid toward you, though it was too hot to hold properly.

“He said she… had no doubts,” you said quietly. “About her place, her role, her worth. That she didn’t change herself to fit whatever somebody needed from her.”

Maya’s face hardened by degrees.

“And?”

You laughed once, harsh and unsteady.

“And that’s it.”

“No, sweetheart,” she said, voice suddenly very flat. “That isn’t it. What did you hear?”

You shut your eyes.

The question hurt because it was too accurate.

What had he said? And what had you heard?

Not the same thing. Probably. Maybe.

But what you had heard lodged under your skin all the same.

“I heard that he sees exactly what’s wrong with me,” you whispered.

The kitchen went silent.

When you opened your eyes, Maya was already moving. She crossed the room, pulled out the chair opposite you, and sat down hard enough to make the table tremble slightly.

“Listen to me very carefully,” she said.

You flinched.

“No.” Her voice softened by half a degree, but only half. “You don’t get to disappear into your own worst thoughts while I’m sitting here.”

Tears burned unexpectedly behind your eyes.

You looked down at the tea.

Maya leaned forward.

“You are exhausted,” she said. “You are hurt. And from what I’m hearing, he said something thoughtless and devastating in exactly the way decent men often do when they’re busy being emotionally incompetent. But none of that means what your brain is currently trying to make it mean.”

You laughed bitterly.

“You don’t know what my brain is making it mean.”

She held your gaze.

“I know you.”

That did it.

Your composure fractured all at once.

You cried harder than you had in your room, harder than in the car, harder than felt remotely fair. It was ugly and humiliating and exhausting, and Maya did not interrupt it with comfort so much as presence. She stayed there. She passed you tissues. She pushed the sugar bowl toward you when your tea went cold and you forgot it existed. She did not say it’s okay because it very obviously was not.

When the worst of it passed, she asked, “Have you eaten?”

You wiped your face and lied instinctively.

“Yes.”

She stared at you.

You lasted maybe two seconds.

“No.”

“Of course not.”

She stood, opened the fridge, and began pulling things out with the grim determination of someone preparing for battle.

“I’m not hungry.”

“I didn’t ask.”

“Maya.”

She glanced over one shoulder, unimpressed.

“You can either eat soup like a wounded Victorian heroine or I can call your super-soldier and let him hear for himself how bad you sound. Pick one.”

You stared at her.

“That’s emotional blackmail.”

“Yes.”

You hated that she knew exactly how to manage you.

You ate half a bowl because arguing took more energy than lifting a spoon. Then she made you shower. Then she handed you one of her oldest T-shirts and pointed at the couch like a drill sergeant.

You curled under a blanket while she moved around the apartment dimming lights.

Your phone stayed face down on the coffee table where you had dropped it.

It buzzed once. Twice. Three times.

You did not look.

Maya did. Not at the screen, but at the sound.

“You going to answer any of those?”

“No.”

“Fine.”

She sat in the armchair opposite the couch and opened her laptop.

You frowned through exhaustion. “What are you doing?”

“Working.”

“At eleven at night?”

“I’m rage-organizing my inbox so I don’t go to Avengers Tower tonight and commit a felony.”

A laugh escaped you despite everything.

Maya looked up briefly.

“There she is.”

You hated how that almost made you cry again.

The next morning you woke disoriented, damp with sweat, neck aching from the couch, heart already racing.

For one beautiful second you did not remember where you were.

Then everything came back at once.

Steve. Peggy. The message. The leaving.

You turned onto your side and saw your phone on the coffee table, still dark, still face down.

You did not reach for it.

Maya emerged from the bedroom tying her hair up, took one look at your face, and said, “Toast first. Existential collapse second.”

You obeyed because arguing required more structural integrity than you currently possessed.

The day passed strangely.

Not quickly. Not slowly. Just sideways.

You dozed in brief, useless stretches. Drank tea. Managed half a piece of toast and then felt sick for an hour. Stared at the ceiling. Tried not to think. Failed. Repeated.

Your phone remained silent only because you had forced it to be.

At one point, while Maya showered, you picked it up.

Twenty-three messages. Four missed calls from Steve. Two from Natasha. One from Sam. One from an unknown Tower extension. A string of increasingly irritated texts from PR asking whether you were still attending tomorrow’s editorial planning session.

You stared at Steve’s name until it blurred.

The most recent message read Please answer.

The one before that.

Your message doesn’t sound like you.

And before that.

Just tell me you’re okay.

You locked the phone again.

You did not respond.

Not because you wanted him to suffer. Not because this was punishment. Because if you heard his voice right then – if he sounded worried, or guilty, or gentle – you would cave.

And you could not survive caving unless he had something different to offer this time.

By day three, your body began protesting in ways your mind had not anticipated.

Your hands shook more. Your stomach lurched at the thought of food. You could not seem to get warm even under two blankets. When you did sleep, it was shallow and full of dreams that left you more tired than before.

Maya watched all of this with increasing concern and decreasing patience.

On the fourth evening, she stood in the kitchen doorway with one hand on her hip and said, “You are not fine.”

“Never claimed to be.”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

She stared at you for a long moment.

Then she asked, “What exactly are you waiting for?”

You blinked at her from the couch.

“What?”

“You left. Fair. You needed space. Also fair. But now you’re hiding from your phone like it’s venomous, living on tea and dry cereal, and looking like you might float away if somebody opens a window. So what are you waiting for?”

The question hit harder than you expected.

You looked down at the blanket tangled around your legs.

“I don’t know,” you admitted.

Maya’s expression softened, which somehow made things worse.

“Yes, you do.”

You swallowed.

The answer surfaced before you could stop it.

“For it not to hurt this much.”

Silence.

Then Maya crossed the room and sat beside you on the couch.

“Oh, honey.”

Two words. Soft. Ruined.

You pressed a hand over your eyes.

“I know how pathetic this is.”

“It isn’t pathetic.”

“It kind of is.”

“It really isn’t.”

You let your hand fall.

“He doesn’t owe me anything.”

Maya’s jaw tightened. “That sentence needs to be outlawed.”

You almost smiled.

Almost.

“You slept with him,” she said plainly, because she was not one for euphemism.

Heat flashed across your face.

You stared at her.

She held up one hand. “You look terrible, you vanished from the tower, and you ended up crying in my kitchen over Steve Rogers. I put basic emotional math together.”

A helpless laugh escaped you. Horrified. Thin. Real.

Maya nodded once, satisfied.

“Right. Thought so.”

You slumped deeper into the cushions.

“It made everything worse.”

“I’m sure it also made everything clearer.”

You laughed again, then scrubbed a hand over your face.

“He pulled away after.”

Maya’s expression went dangerously blank.

“How much after?”

You looked away.

“Immediately, mostly.”

She inhaled slowly through her nose.

“Good,” she said in a tone that suggested the opposite. “That narrows down what kind of conversation I’m going to have with him when I see him.”

Panic cut through the fog in your head.

“No.”

Maya turned toward you.

“No?”

“Do not go near him.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

You sat up too fast and immediately regretted it when the room tilted.

“Maya.”

She looked you over once, taking in the dizziness, the hollow face, the hands gripping the blanket.

Then she said, very quietly, “He did this.”

You shook your head.

“No. I did this. I heard one thing and turned it into proof of every awful thing I already think about myself, and then I ran away like a child.”

She held your gaze.

“And what did he do?”

You opened your mouth. Closed it. Said nothing.

Exactly.

Maya stood.

You watched unease move through her like intention.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting my shoes.”

Your stomach dropped.

“Maya.”

She was already in the hallway.

“Stay here,” she called back.

You stared after her in disbelief.

Then, because you were too depleted to physically stop her and too horrified to do anything else, you grabbed your phone.

For a second your thumb hovered over Steve’s name.

Call him? Warn him? Text him? Tell him Maya was coming like some kind of avenging force in orthopedic sneakers?

Instead, because your pride remained stupidly alive even under emotional collapse, you locked the screen again and let your hand fall into your lap.

You did not move.

The apartment felt too quiet without her.

Outside, the late afternoon sky darkened toward evening.

Your phone stayed silent. Then vibrated once with a message from Maya.

If you throw up from stress while I’m gone, aim for the bathroom and not my couch.

A strangled laugh caught in your throat.

You pressed the phone to your forehead and closed your eyes.

By then you were too tired even for panic.

All that remained was the raw, exhausted ache of missing Steve while trying desperately to protect yourself from the version of him that only knew how to love by stepping back.

You curled deeper into the blanket and waited for whatever came next.

And somewhere beneath the hurt, beneath the humiliation, beneath the anger you still refused to let yourself feel fully, one truth stayed lodged like a splinter.

You had left because you needed air.

But the worst part of being away was realizing how much of your breathing had started to depend on him.

By the fifth day, Steve stopped pretending he was not afraid. At first, he told himself he was giving you space. That was what decent people did, wasn’t it? If someone said they needed air, you did not crowd them. If someone pulled away, you did not make their distress about your own need to fix it. You respected the boundary. You waited. You trusted that if they wanted you near, they would say so. It would have been a noble thought if it had not curdled into something uglier with each unanswered message. Because your message had been wrong. Not only brief. Not only distant. Wrong. The words themselves had been polite enough. I need some air. Don’t worry. I’ll be gone a few days. Anyone else might have accepted them at face value. A request for space. A neat explanation. A person setting a temporary boundary with no drama attached. But Steve knew you. Or at least, he knew enough. He knew that when you were really fine, you hid it badly. He knew your humor always surfaced, even thin and brittle, when you were trying to soften a hard conversation. He knew you overexplained when you were nervous and apologized when you had no reason to. He knew you did not send cold little messages that read like they had been drafted by a stranger. He also knew exactly what had happened before you disappeared. He knew he had let fear disguise itself as restraint. Knew he had slept with you and then built distance with his own hands because some part of him had decided professionalism, control, and caution were a kind of protection. Knew he had watched your face sharpen and dim over the days that followed and still told himself he was doing the right thing. By day two, he stopped sleeping properly. By day three, everyone else noticed. Natasha cornered him on the fifth day in the kitchen at six in the morning while he stood over a cup of coffee that had long since gone cold. “You look terrible,” she observed. Steve did not look up. “That makes two of us.” “No,” she said. “It makes one of us with a conscience and one of us with terrible judgment.” That pulled his eyes to hers. Natasha leaned one hip against the counter, arms folded. “She still isn’t answering.” It was not a question. “No.” “Have you tracked her phone?” Steve’s jaw tightened. “No.” One of Natasha’s eyebrows lifted. “You could.” “I know.” “And?” He exhaled slowly through his nose. “And she said she needed space.” Natasha stared at him for a long moment, then said, very flatly, “You’re an idiot.”

Something dark flickered under his ribs. “I know that too.” To his surprise, Natasha did not look satisfied. If anything, she looked angrier. “That isn’t enough.” Steve straightened slightly. “What do you want me to say?” She pushed off the counter. “I want you to stop acting like this is about good manners.” He said nothing. Natasha’s gaze sharpened. “She left after you slept with her.” The directness of it hit like a strike to the chest even though he deserved it. Steve’s mouth hardened. “Nat–” “No. You don’t get to flinch. You don’t get to be embarrassed by a fact you helped create.” He looked away first. The kitchen felt too small. Too bright. Too full of the exact kind of clarity he had spent days avoiding. Natasha stepped closer. “You did the thing you always do,” she said. “You decided what was best for someone else without asking whether they wanted your version of safety.” Steve’s fingers tightened around the coffee mug. “I wasn’t trying to hurt her.” Natasha’s expression did not change. “That has never stopped anyone.” The silence that followed settled heavy and unavoidable. Steve stared past her toward the window where dawn was just beginning to stain the city grey-blue. He heard again the soft, stunned sound you had made when he kissed you for real. He saw your face the morning after when he had reached for control instead of honesty. He heard his own voice saying I shouldn’t have let this happen and understood, all over again, exactly how cruel that must have sounded from where you stood. Not regret for wanting you. Not regret for the night. Just the coward’s instinct to frame tenderness as a mistake if it threatened to become too real.

He scrubbed a hand over his face. “I thought…” He stopped. Natasha waited. Steve tried again. “I thought if I stepped back, if I gave her room, if I put some distance in before this got worse–” Natasha let out a short, humorless laugh. “Before it got worse for who?” He looked at her. There it was. The center of it. The part he had not let himself say cleanly because saying it would mean admitting how badly he had misjudged everything. “For her,” he said, though even to his own ears it sounded weak now. Natasha’s voice went colder. “You mean for you.” He flinched. Because yes. Partly yes. Because if he stayed close after that night, then he would have to admit it had not been a lapse. That wanting you had not begun with the kiss on set. That it had been building, quietly and relentlessly, through every interview and every crowded gala and every moment he found his hand at your back without thinking. He would have to admit that his feelings were no longer containable inside the tidy little fiction PR had handed them. And if he admitted that, then he would have to face the possibility of hurting you in a deeper, more permanent way. Not with one night. Not with one mistake. With everything that came after. So he had done what he always did when fear dressed itself up like principle. He had retreated. Natasha watched realization move across his face and said, softer now but no less brutal, “Congratulations. You protected her straight into disappearing.” Before Steve could answer, footsteps sounded in the hall. A woman strode into the kitchen without waiting to be invited. Steve had never met her before, but he recognized fury when he saw it. She was not tall, not physically intimidating, not armed in any obvious way, and still the room changed around her as if a live charge had entered it. Dark hair shoved into a loose knot, coat half-buttoned, eyes bright with the kind of anger that had already passed through fear and come out sharp on the other side. Natasha went very still. The woman looked directly at Steve. “Good,” she said. “You’re here.” Steve set the mug down. “Who are you?” Her laugh contained absolutely no humor. “I’m the one who had to watch her stop eating in my apartment because apparently no one in this building knows how to tell the difference between noble self-sacrifice and emotional stupidity.” Every muscle in Steve’s body locked. Natasha said nothing. She did not need to. Her silence confirmed enough. Steve took one step forward. “Is she okay?” The woman’s face hardened further. “No,” she said. “She’s not okay.” The words landed with frightening precision. Steve felt them everywhere. “What happened?” The woman stared at him as if the question itself insulted her. “You happened.” That should not have hit as hard as it did. It did. He swallowed. “I need you to tell me where she is.” “No.” Steve went still. The woman folded her arms. “You don’t get her location because you finally decided to panic. That’s not how this works.” Her voice shook slightly under the anger now, just enough to betray how worried she really was. Steve forced himself not to push. Not to demand. Not to become one more person deciding things around you. “Please,” he said. She looked at him for a long moment. Then she came closer, stopping just short of his personal space as if she wanted him to feel every word clearly. “You want to know what this week looked like?” she asked. “Fine. She barely slept. She picked at food like swallowing offended her. She sat on my couch staring at a phone she refused to answer because she was terrified that if she heard your voice sounding kind, she’d break all over again.”

Steve could not seem to draw enough air. The woman went on, merciless. “She heard you talking about Peggy.” His chest tightened. Every nerve in him sharpened instantly. Oh. Oh, God. He closed his eyes for half a second. When he opened them, she was still there, watching him realize it. “You didn’t say her name,” the woman said. “Apparently you didn’t have to.” Steve felt sick. Sam. The lounge. That conversation. He remembered it clearly now – too clearly. The context. The grief. The self-recrimination. The way he had been trying to explain to Sam that Peggy had possessed a certainty about herself he admired, not because he wanted someone else to match it, but because he feared what his life did to the people he cared about. Feared what it might grind down in them. And you had heard the worst possible fragment. Heard it through the wound he had already helped carve open. The woman’s gaze did not soften. “She heard exactly what her worst thoughts needed. And since you’d already spent days pulling away from her after sleeping with her, you can imagine how well that went.” Natasha muttered something in Russian under her breath. Steve barely heard her. The woman tipped her head. “You know what gets me?” she said. “She still defends you.” His throat worked uselessly. “She kept saying you weren’t cruel. That you were trying. That maybe she’d heard it wrong. That maybe she was being unfair. While she was shaking so badly she could barely hold a mug.” The image struck so hard it was almost physical. Steve gripped the back of a chair to steady himself. The woman’s voice dropped. “So here’s what’s going to happen. You are going to stop congratulating yourself for being careful. You are going to stop telling yourself distance is noble when all it’s done is let her believe every terrible thing she already thinks about herself. And if you go near her again, you’d better do it with the intention of being honest for once.”

The kitchen went silent. Steve looked at her. “What’s your name?” A beat passed. “Maya.” He nodded once. “Maya.”

His own voice sounded rough to his ears.

“Thank you.”

Something in her expression shifted – not warmth, exactly, but a reduced desire to set him on fire.

She reached into her coat pocket, pulled out a scrap of paper, and set it on the counter between them.

An address.

“She won’t answer if I warn her first,” Maya said. “So I’m not warning her. That’s the only reason you’re getting this.”

Steve stared at the paper.

“You’re sure?”

“No,” Maya snapped. “I’m furious. Different thing.”

He nodded again.

Fair.

As he reached for the address, Maya caught his wrist.

He looked up.

Her eyes had gone sharp enough to cut.

“If you make this about whether you deserve forgiveness,” she said, “I swear to God, Rogers, I will throw you down my building’s stairs myself.”

A strange, hollow breath escaped him. Not laughter. Too close to it.

“I won’t.”

Maya let go. She turned towards him before leaving.

“See that you don’t.”

He did not tell anyone he was leaving. He did not call ahead. Did not text. Did not give himself enough time to rehearse explanations into something cleaner than the truth. The drive across the city felt too slow no matter how fast traffic moved. At red lights, his mind replayed the week in brutal fragments. Your unanswered messages. The clipped little text that had not sounded like you. Natasha calling him an idiot. Maya saying you had stopped eating. The realization that the last thing he had given you before you vanished was distance layered over tenderness, confusion dressed up as protection. And under all of it, the oldest, ugliest recognition of all. He had treated your pain like a thing to manage rather than a thing to witness with you. That had always been his flaw when fear got involved. He moved too quickly into action, into shielding, into absorbing impact alone. He trusted strategy over vulnerability because strategy felt safer. Cleaner. Contained. But you were not a battlefield problem. You were not damage control. You were not a thing to spare from afar. You were someone he loved. The thought arrived fully formed and devastatingly late. Not in the vague, careful way he had let himself approach it before. Not in coded concern or noble restraint. Just the truth, plain and irreversible. He loved you. He had loved you in pieces for longer than he had admitted. In every cup of tea left outside your door. In every moment his eyes found you first in a room. In every quiet fury when someone made you feel lesser than you were. In the way he learned your fragile places without ever wanting to use them against you. In the way your hurt had become unbearable to witness long before he understood why. And then, because love in him had always come braided to fear, he had tried to keep the feeling from doing damage by forcing it into silence.

He parked badly. He did not care. The apartment building was ordinary in the best possible way. Brick. Narrow steps. Buzzers. Potted plants in two front windows. The kind of place no one would ever photograph because it belonged to real life rather than narrative. He climbed the stairs two at a time and stopped outside the right door with his heart pounding hard enough to make him feel nineteen again and much less brave. He knocked. Nothing. He knocked again, gentler this time. Footsteps approached. Paused. Then the lock turned. The door opened three inches. Maya looked at him through the gap. Her expression made it clear she had not become any less angry in the last hour. “She’s asleep,” she said. Steve exhaled, relief and dread colliding in equal measure. “Is she–” “Barely, for once.” Maya considered him for a second, then opened the door wider. “You get five minutes before I decide you’re raising her cortisol.” He nodded and stepped inside. The apartment smelled like tea and laundry soap and something simmered earlier for dinner. Small. Warm. Lived in. There was a blanket draped over the back of the couch, a mug on the coffee table, a pair of socks abandoned near the radiator. And there you were. Curled on the couch beneath a grey blanket, turned toward the back cushions, one hand tucked near your face. Even asleep, you looked worn thin. Your skin had that drawn, fragile pallor of someone running on too little rest and less food. There were shadows under your eyes, your breathing shallow even now, as if your body had not remembered how to fully unclench.

Steve stopped a few feet away. The sight of you knocked something out of him. He had been worried. He had imagined this. But imagination had not done justice to the small, devastating truth of it. You looked breakable. Maya came to stand beside him. “She kept saying she just needed a few days,” she said quietly, the anger in her voice banked now into exhaustion. “Like this was a normal amount of hurt to carry around.” Steve could not answer. Maya crossed her arms. “She loved that you were careful with her,” she said. “Do you understand that? It made her trust you. So when you started disappearing in all the little ways that don’t leave evidence, she didn’t know what to do with it except blame herself.” He closed his eyes briefly. When he opened them, his gaze found you again. “I know,” he said. “No,” Maya replied. “You know now.” Fair. Again. You stirred before he could say more. A small shift under the blanket. A breath catching. Your eyes opening slowly in the unfamiliar confusion of bad sleep. For one suspended second, you just looked dazed. Then you saw him. Every trace of softness vanished from your face. You pushed yourself upright too quickly, blanket sliding into your lap, and immediately had to brace one hand on the couch arm when the movement made you dizzy. Maya swore under her breath. Steve stepped forward instinctively. You recoiled before he could reach you. The movement was small. It still nearly stopped his heart. Your voice came out rough from sleep and disuse. “What is he doing here?” Maya answered before he could. “Being threatened, mostly.” You looked from her to Steve and back again. Somewhere under the fatigue, embarrassment flickered across your face. “Maya.” “What?” she said. “You were refusing to answer your phone and starting to look haunted.” “I told you I needed–” “Air,” Maya cut in. “Yes. I know. You’ve had plenty. Apparently oxygen does not fix men.” Despite everything, something dangerously close to a laugh tugged at Steve’s throat. He swallowed it before it could become disrespect. You dragged a hand over your face. Your eyes would not stay on his for long. That hurt more than anger would have. “Maya,” you said again, quieter now. She sighed. “I’m making tea,” she announced to no one in particular. “And if either of you says anything catastrophically stupid while I’m in the kitchen, I will come back with a weapon.”

Then she walked away, leaving behind a silence so immediate it almost rang. Steve stood near the edge of the living room. You remained curled into the corner of the couch like it was the only shape keeping you together. For a moment neither of you moved. Then Steve said, “I’m sorry.” You laughed. It was not a kind sound. “Of course you are.” He felt that land. Accepted it. “I mean it.” Your gaze flicked to his face and away again. “That’s sort of the problem with you, Steve. You usually do.” He took a slow breath. “I know.” You stared at the blanket in your lap, fingers twisting in the fabric. “You shouldn’t be here.” “I should have been here sooner.” That made you look at him. Really look. There was no defense left in his face. No polished restraint. No distance disguised as gentleness. Just a man who had understood too late what his caution had cost. He took one step closer. “Maya told me about this week.” Something shuttered in your expression. “Great,” you said. “Glad everybody’s comparing notes.” “I’m not here to make you explain.” “Then why are you here?” Because I love you, he thought. Because leaving you alone with the version of me that lived in your head has become unbearable. Because I finally understand that what I called protection was just fear with better manners. What he said was, “Because I hurt you.” You went very still. The room from the kitchen hummed faintly with the sound of the kettle filling. A cabinet opening. Maya giving you both the illusion of privacy while remaining close enough to intervene if needed. You looked down again. “Yes,” you said. No accusation. No drama. Just a fact. It hit harder than anything else could have. Steve nodded once. “Yes,” he echoed, because trying to soften it would have been an insult.

He moved closer to the couch, slowly enough to give you time to stop him. You did not. But you tensed. That, too, he accepted. “When I said I shouldn’t have let it happen,” he said carefully, “I wasn’t regretting you.” Your throat moved as you swallowed. You still did not look at him. He continued anyway. “I was afraid of what happened after.” A bitter little smile touched your mouth and vanished. “So you decided that part for both of us.” “Yes.” The honesty of the answer made your eyes lift, startled. Steve held your gaze. “Yes,” he said again. “I did. And I was wrong.” Silence. The words seemed to settle somewhere between you, too fragile to trust at first. You drew the blanket tighter around yourself. “You pulled away.” “I know.” “And then you still asked me to stay.” His chest tightened. He could still hear his own voice from that night, raw and wanting. Stay. And then the morning after, when he had started measuring distance like virtue. “I know,” he repeated. Your voice sharpened for the first time. “Do you?” He let the hurt in that question hit cleanly before answering. “I do now.” The anger did not flare. It wavered. Your exhaustion was too deep for anything dramatic. That somehow made every word heavier. You looked away toward the kitchen, toward the safe shape of Maya moving in the next room. Then, so quietly he almost missed it, “I thought I’d made it ugly.” Steve felt his entire body go still. You kept talking, eyes fixed somewhere beyond him. “I thought maybe that night had just…” You stopped, pressed your lips together, began again. “I thought maybe you wanted me until I became real again after.” The sentence nearly undid him. He crossed the last of the distance to the couch and crouched in front of you before he could think better of it. Low enough not to tower. Close enough that if you wanted to look at him, you could. Your eyes met his then, wary and exhausted and aching in ways he had no right to ask forgiveness for yet. “I wanted you before that night,” he said. You blinked. “I wanted you every day of this arrangement in ways I was trying very hard not to. I wanted you even before that.” Something shifted in your face. Not trust. Not relief. Just the faint shock of hearing the truth said plainly. Steve did not look away. “The kiss on set wasn’t the first time I was scared of how much I wanted you,” he said. “It was just the first time I ran out of places to hide it.” Your breathing changed. Slightly. Enough. “And then,” he said, because there was no point being brave only halfway now, “I got afraid.” You let out a breath that trembled on the way out. “Of me?” “No.” The answer came instantly. Then, quieter, “Of how badly I could hurt you if I got this wrong.”

A sad sort of understanding crossed your face. That cut almost as sharply as the original wound. “So you hurt me another way.” The precision of it left no room to flinch. “Yes.” He would keep answering yes to every true thing if that was what it took. You looked at him for a long moment. Your eyes were wet now, though the tears had not fallen yet. “I heard you talking about Peggy,” you whispered. There it was. The bruise at the center of everything. Steve nodded slowly. “I know.” You laughed once, shaky and devastated. “No, you don’t. You have no idea what that sounded like.” “Then tell me.” The words startled you. Maybe because they asked instead of assuming. Maybe because they did not argue. Your fingers tightened in the blanket. “It sounded like…” You shut your eyes briefly. “It sounded like you finally said out loud what I’d already been terrified was true. That she was everything I’m not. That she knew her own worth and never had to be useful to earn a place beside you. That you looked at me and saw someone uncertain and exhausting and–” “Stop.” The word came rougher than he intended. Your eyes flew open. Not anger. Fear. The immediate reflexive fear of someone who had been cut off too many times while bleeding. Steve forced gentleness back into his voice. “Not because I don’t want to hear you,” he said. “Because none of that is what I meant.” Your mouth tightened. “It’s what I heard.” “I know.” He let that sit. Then he said, very carefully, “I was talking about what I admired in Peggy. Not what I required from you.” Something in your face cracked at that. “I don’t require you to be less uncertain,” he said. “Or less complicated. Or less hurt. I don’t need you to become someone untouched by what life has done to you just so I can stand beside you.” Your tears spilled then, sudden and silent. Steve stayed exactly where he was. “I was afraid,” he went on, “because you make yourself smaller when you’re scared. You let people use your willingness to help as proof you can carry more than you should. And instead of staying close enough to help you fight that, I stepped back and made it worse.” You covered your mouth with one hand. The gesture was so heartbreakingly familiar it almost ruined him. “I am not going to do that again,” he said. The kitchen had gone silent. Maya was listening, of course. He did not care.

Your voice shook. “You can’t promise that.” “No,” he said. “I can promise something better.” You looked at him through wet lashes, wary despite yourself. Steve drew in a slow breath. “I can promise I won’t decide for you what protects you. I can promise I won’t call distance love when it’s really fear. And I can promise that I am done letting you carry all the cost of this because it’s easier than admitting I’m in too deep.” The tears came harder then. You laughed through one of them, a small, broken sound. “In too deep?” He almost smiled. Almost. “Yes.” You looked wrecked. And unconvinced. And wanting to believe him in ways your body had not caught up with yet. That was fair. More than fair. “I don’t know how to do this without making a mess of it,” you whispered. Something warm and shattered moved through him. At any other time, the line might have been funny. A little self-aware. A little ironic. Here, now, it was only naked. Steve softened. “Then we make a mess,” he said. “But we do it honestly.” You shut your eyes and cried in earnest then, not violently, not dramatically, just with the exhausted relief of someone too tired to keep every wound upright. His hands twitched with the need to reach for you. He didn’t. Not until you looked at him again. Not until you gave the smallest, most fragile nod he had ever seen. Then he moved. Carefully. Slowly. He sat beside you on the couch and gathered you in as if he were handling something both precious and half-feral. You came to him in pieces at first, stiff with hurt and habit, then all at once, forehead against his shoulder, breath breaking against his shirt. Steve held you. Not to quiet you. Not to fix you. Just to be there while it hurt. One of his hands slid up between your shoulder blades in slow, grounding strokes. The other cradled the back of your head. Into your hair, into the bent crown of you, he said, “You never had to earn your place with me.” That made you cry harder.

He closed his eyes. “I know,” he said softly. “I know. I should have said it sooner.” For a long time, neither of you moved beyond that. The kettle clicked off in the kitchen. A cupboard shut. Maya, mercifully, remained out of sight. Eventually your breathing steadied enough to become less ragged. You did not pull away completely, but you shifted enough to look at him, face damp and exhausted and more open than he suspected you meant it to be. “What happens now?” A dangerous question. A necessary one. Steve brushed a thumb lightly beneath one of your eyes. Only once. Then let his hand fall so the touch would not become its own pressure. “First,” he said, “you stay here as long as you need.” You frowned slightly, as if expecting some hidden catch. He went on. “Then I deal with PR.” A very faint, incredulous sound escaped you. “That sounds ominous.” “It is.” That drew the smallest ghost of a smile to your mouth. Steve took it as the gift it was. “I’m ending the arrangement,” he said. “Not by sacrificing you to another story. Not by making you walk back into that machine because I was too slow to figure my own head out.” The smile faded into uncertainty again. “They’ll hate that.” “I know.” “They’ll blame me.” “No,” he said. “They won’t. Because I won’t let them.” You searched his face, looking for doubt. There was none. Steve leaned back slightly, enough to see you fully. “And after that,” he said, “if you still want me anywhere near your life, I start over properly.” Your breath caught. “Properly?” “No lies. No cover. No pretending I’m doing you a favor by keeping my distance.” A pause. “No sacrificing yourself for me because it feels easier than asking what you’re worth.” Your face crumpled a little around the edges at that. Not from pain this time exactly. From being understood too closely. You looked down. “I don’t know if I can just… turn all this off.” He followed your gaze. “I’m not asking you to.” You let that settle. Then, very quietly, “I’m still angry with you.” He nodded. “You should be.” “I kind of hate how decent you’re being about it.” The laugh that escaped him this time was soft and brief and real. “Maya already covered the less decent part.” That startled a tired laugh out of you too. Tiny. Beautiful. A crack of light.

From the kitchen, Maya called, “I can still hear you, and I regret nothing.” You let your forehead fall briefly against Steve’s shoulder again, laughing weakly through the last of your tears. His arm tightened around you – not possessive, not performative, just sure. After a minute, Maya appeared in the doorway carrying three mugs. She took one look at the two of you on the couch and narrowed her eyes at Steve. “Did he say anything stupid?” You wiped under your eyes and muttered, “Several things. But mostly the useful kind.” Maya handed you the first mug, then held Steve’s just out of reach for a beat. “Remember the stairs,” she told him. Steve accepted the tea solemnly. “I remember.” She sat in the armchair opposite with the posture of a queen supervising a peace treaty. No one minded. You wrapped both hands around the mug and stared down into the steam. The room felt fragile still. Nothing fixed. Nothing magically healed. Your body was still tired. Your appetite was still a problem. The week had still happened. Steve’s fear had still cut you. Your own fear had still convinced you to disappear. But he was here. Not as Captain America. Not as a strategy. Not as a man hiding behind what was best for you. Just Steve. And when your fingers trembled once around the mug, his free hand found your knee under the blanket and stayed there, quiet and steady, not asking for anything. You looked at it. Then at him. He met your gaze. No more distance, something in his expression said. Not the kind that lies and calls itself kindness. You leaned very slightly into his side. A choice so small no one else in the room would have noticed if they had not been looking. A choice enormous enough to feel like the first honest thing you had done in days. Steve exhaled like a man who had been waiting to breathe. Maya sipped her tea and pretended not to see. Outside, evening settled over the city in slow blue layers. Inside, nothing was tidy. Nothing was easy. Nothing was finished. But for the first time since the whole lie began, no one in the room was pretending. And when Steve’s thumb moved once, warm and grounding where his hand rested against you, the thought that came was still frightened, still fragile, still bruised at the edges – but no longer hopeless. He had not protected you by stepping away. He knew that now. So when he looked at you over the rim of his mug and said, quietly enough that only you could hear, “No more sacrificing yourself for me,” you believed he meant it. And when you answered, voice raw but steady, “Then don’t leave me alone in it,” he set the mug down without breaking eye contact and said, with all the certainty he should have given you from the start, “I won’t.”

The first thing Steve did was cancel the interview. PR called it impossible. Steve called it another normal day. You were still at Maya’s apartment the next morning when his name began lighting up the group email chain with replies so blunt they looked almost surreal against the corporate tone surrounding them. Captain Rogers will not be attending Friday’s segment. The arranged narrative ends here. Any further press strategy goes through me before it goes through her. You read the messages from the couch, wrapped in one of Maya’s blankets, tea cooling untouched in your hands. Maya leaned over your shoulder, scanned the screen, and let out a low whistle. “Well,” she said, sounding almost impressed. “There goes the national budget for public relations.” Despite everything, a weak smile tugged at your mouth. Steve had not stayed the night after finding you. He had wanted to. You had seen it in the way he lingered by the door, reluctant to go, as though leaving at all now felt suspect to him. But he had also understood that crowding your first breath after days underwater would only turn tenderness into pressure again. So he had crouched beside the couch before leaving, looked at you with that open, impossible honesty that still made your chest hurt, and said, “I’ll call tomorrow. If you don’t answer, I’ll text. If you don’t answer that, I’ll still be here.” Then he had looked at Maya and added, with grave sincerity, “Please don’t throw me down the stairs yet.” Maya had taken a deliberate sip of tea and replied, “No promises.” Now, in the washed-out grey of morning, his restraint felt like proof rather than distance. A little later, your phone buzzed. Can I come by later? Only if you want. Simple. No pressure. No polished reassurance trying to outtalk your fear. You stared at the screen. Maya, slicing fruit at the counter with the focus of a woman pretending not to monitor your every micro-expression, said, “If you don’t answer that man soon, he’s going to start composing messages like a Regency widower.” You typed back before you could lose courage. Later is okay. Three dots appeared instantly. Thank you. You looked at the words for a long time after the screen dimmed.

Returning to the Tower two days later felt like stepping back into a building that had learned your shape and your fractures both. You had not wanted to come back too soon. Maya had not wanted you to come back at all without backup. In the end, compromise took the form of her driving you there personally and informing you, before you even got out of the car, that if anyone from PR so much as looked at you with a monetizable expression, she would set something on fire. “You cannot threaten federal property,” you had muttered. “Watch me.” She had squeezed your shoulder once before letting you go. The lobby felt the same. That was the strange part. The same polished floors. The same quiet hum of elevators. The same people moving through the space with coffee cups and tablets and the exhausting illusion that none of their lives were ever cracking under the surface. And yet everything in you felt newly tender, as if the world had edges you had not noticed before. Steve was waiting by the private elevator. Of course he was. No cameras. No handlers. No audience. Just Steve in a dark henley and jeans, hands loose at his sides, looking at you as if he had spent every hour since leaving Maya’s apartment teaching himself not to rush forward. Your steps slowed.

For one brief second, panic fluttered under your ribs – not because you did not want him there, but because you did. Too much. In ways still sore from being mishandled. He read enough in your face to stay exactly where he was. “Hey,” he said. The softness of it nearly undid you on the spot. “Hey.” Silence stretched. Not empty. Just careful. Then Steve asked, “Do you want to go upstairs, or do you want to leave right now and let Maya win?” A startled laugh escaped you. It was small. It was still real. His mouth curved in response, relief flickering openly this time. “Upstairs,” you said. He nodded once and pressed the elevator call button. Inside, the ride was quiet. Your shoulders remained tight despite yourself, and you hated that he noticed immediately. You hated even more that he responded by simply shifting closer – not touching, not crowding, just making his presence available like a choice you could take or leave. By the time the doors opened to the residential level, some small part of your body had remembered how to breathe normally again. Natasha was the first to find you. She appeared in the common kitchen like a ghost in expensive black, took one look at your face, and said, “You’re alive.” “Disappointing, I know.” Her expression barely changed, but something relieved moved behind her eyes. “That depends.”

You set your bag down on the counter. For a second neither of you spoke. Then Natasha crossed the room and pulled you into a brief, hard hug that lasted exactly one heartbeat longer than you expected. When she stepped back, you stared at her. She picked up an apple from the fruit bowl as if nothing unusual had happened. “You vanished,” she said. “I noticed.” “That was inconsiderate.” A laugh caught in your throat. “Wow. And here I thought we were having a moment.” “We did,” she said. “It’s over now.” You smiled despite yourself, then looked down. “I’m sorry.” Natasha bit into the apple. “I know.” There was no reproach in it, only fact. The same kind she always offered when feelings got too large for elegance. After a beat, she added, “He looked like death.” You glanced instinctively toward the doorway, though Steve had stayed back to give you room. “That’s not as comforting as you think it is.” “It wasn’t meant to be comforting.” Of course it wasn’t. Natasha leaned one hip against the counter. “For what it’s worth,” she said, “I considered pushing him off the roof.” You blinked. “You what?” “I didn’t,” she said. “Maya had already called dibs on violence.” You laughed then. Properly. Startled and helpless and still too tired, but enough to make Natasha’s shoulders loosen by half an inch. She finished the apple and tossed the core. “Eat something,” she said. “You still look haunted.” “Did everyone agree to phrase things as offensively as possible while I was gone?” “Yes.” Then she walked out, conversation apparently complete. You stared after her. From the doorway, Steve said quietly, “That was her being worried.” You turned. “I know.” Something gentle passed across his face. “I know you know.”

The PR meeting happened the next afternoon, and it was a disaster in the best possible way. You had not wanted to attend. Steve had given you an out before you even asked for one. “You don’t have to go,” he had said that morning outside the conference room where this whole mess had begun. “I can handle it.” The old reflex had risen instantly – be there, absorb the impact, make yourself useful, do not leave other people to clean up consequences that involved you. Then Steve, as if hearing the exact shape of that thought before you said it, added, “Coming because you choose to is one thing. Coming because you think you owe them your body in a chair is another.” That was enough to make you stop. You went. But this time you went knowing the exit existed. The same room. The same glass walls. The same polished surface of the table where magazines and contracts and public affection had once been arranged like logistics. This time, no one tried to smile at you. The head of PR sat rigidly at one end of the table with a legal adviser beside her. Two others avoided your eyes entirely. The atmosphere smelled less like strategy now and more like contained panic. Steve stood instead of sitting. You sat near the door by choice. Not trapped. Not cornered. Just present. The woman from PR clasped her hands. “We all understand emotions are running high,” she began. Steve laughed once. Not kindly.

“Is that what you think this is?” The woman held his gaze. “What I think is that ending the arrangement abruptly creates new exposure, especially after the latest shoot–” “The arrangement is over,” Steve said. “That part isn’t up for discussion.” She looked at you then, as if hoping practicality might yet be found in the softer target. “With respect, this affects both of you.” Before you could answer, Steve said, “Then speak to both of us like people this time.” The room went very still. The lawyer cleared his throat. “No one intended disrespect.” You found your voice before you had consciously decided to use it. “You didn’t have to intend it.” Every eye in the room shifted to you. You hated that old instinct to shrink under attention. Hated even more how familiar it still felt. But Steve did not move to rescue you from it. He just stayed where he was – solid, quiet, there if you needed him and not taking the space from you unless asked. So you continued. “You called me into this room without warning. You pitched me as a solution before anyone asked whether I actually wanted to be one. And then you kept raising the price every time the public liked the story better than the truth.” No one interrupted. The woman from PR inhaled carefully. “We were managing a difficult situation under intense public pressure.” “Yes,” you said. “And you were very good at making that everyone else’s emergency.” Beside you, Steve said nothing. You could feel his attention on you anyway, steady as a hand at your back without actually touching you. The lawyer leaned forward. “What outcome are you asking for?” For a second you almost laughed. Outcome. As if there were one neat enough to fit on paper. Steve answered before you had to. “You will not blame her publicly or privately for ending this.” He spoke with crisp, terrifying calm. “You will not leak, imply, or suggest that she was unstable, unavailable, noncompliant, or difficult. You will not send anyone to pressure her into salvaging the story. And you will not ever again call in someone under the pretense of consultation after deciding their answer for them.” The head of PR looked like she wanted to argue every point and understood she could not afford to. “We can issue a mutual statement about privacy and timing,” she said at last. “Respectful, brief, no scandal language.” Steve nodded once. “Good.” She hesitated. “And the recent photographs?” The kiss. The magazine. The cover that would probably still run in some altered form because the machine rarely stopped just because it had hurt someone. Your stomach tightened. Then Steve said, “Spin it however you want. We were private. We reconsidered. We chose not to continue publicly. I don’t care.” His gaze hardened. “But if I hear even a whisper that this is being put on her, we’re going to have a very different conversation.” The woman looked at you then, perhaps hoping you might moderate him. Instead, you said, quietly, “I’m done being useful to this.” Silence. Not hostile. Not shocked. Just the silence that falls when a truth finally lands in the room where it belonged all along. The meeting ended ten minutes later.

When you stepped back into the hallway, your legs felt strange. Light. Unsteady. As though some old brace inside you had been removed and your body had not figured out how to stand without it yet. Steve followed, letting the conference room door close behind him. “You okay?” The question no longer felt like surveillance. That was new. You let out a breath. “I think I just told off an entire department.” “You did.” “And they didn’t combust.” “Disappointing, I know.” You smiled. For a moment, neither of you moved. Then Steve held out a protein bar from his pocket. You stared at it. His expression was perfectly serious. “Maya texted me before the meeting,” he said. “She said if I let you leave that room without food, she was revisiting the stairs question.” A laugh slipped out before you could stop it. “You two are terrifying.” “I know.” You took the bar. Opened it. Ate half because he stood there waiting and because somehow the act no longer felt like obedience so much as being looked after. The distinction mattered. More than you expected.

The statement went out that evening. Brief. Careful. Vague enough to satisfy the public and boring enough to kill the frenzy. After recent public speculation, Captain Rogers and his companion have chosen to keep their personal lives private and will not be making further comment. They appreciate the support and ask for understanding regarding boundaries moving forward. People read into it, of course. Some thought you had broken up. Some thought the relationship had always been private and simply became too exposed. Some spun conspiracies. Some wrote think pieces. Some mourned the loss of a romance they had never actually possessed. For the first time since the whole thing began, you did not care very much. Because the truth had moved somewhere smaller and more important. Into hallways. Into kitchens. Into the space outside your door at night where Steve still knocked before entering and waited for permission like he was relearning the shape of your trust from scratch. He did not rush you. That might have been the most loving thing of all. He stayed near. He stayed honest. And he let you have bad days without treating them like evidence that he ought to step back for your own good. When you went to therapy that Thursday and came back wrung out and quiet, there was tea outside your room again.

This time with a note. No vanishing. – S You stood in the hallway staring at the handwriting until your vision blurred a little. Then you carried the mug inside. The next few weeks were not cinematic. You did not magically become secure. He did not transform overnight into a man with no instinct toward self-sacrifice or overprotection. Your appetite returned slowly. Sleep returned inconsistently. There were still moments when your brain reached for its oldest, cruelest explanations before anything gentler could catch up.

But now Steve was there to interrupt them. Not by denying your feelings. Not by soothing them into nothing. Just by staying long enough that the thoughts had to compete with reality. One night, after a mission briefing ran late and left the Tower washed in that strange, hollow quiet of near midnight, you found him in the kitchen making grilled cheese like it was a tactical operation. You paused in the doorway. He looked up and smiled, tired and immediate. “There you are.” Something about the words warmed you from the inside out.

“Is that one for me?” He glanced down at the pan. “Depends. Are you planning to insult my cooking?” “Absolutely.” “Then no.” You crossed the room and sat on the counter while he plated the sandwiches. It was such an old, familiar shape between you that for a second grief moved through you – grief for how close you had come to losing it entirely. Steve set a plate beside you and leaned back against the opposite counter, arms folded. For a while, you just ate. Then, because honesty had become a habit neither of you could afford to lose now, you said, “I still keep waiting for you to decide this is too much.” His eyes lifted to yours at once. “This?” You gestured vaguely between the two of you. The kitchen. Your terrible coping mechanisms. His feelings. Everything. “All of it.” He was quiet for a beat. Then he said, “I think the problem was that I already decided it mattered too much. And I got scared.” You swallowed. “But scared of something isn’t the same as wanting less of it.” The sentence settled deep. You looked down at the plate in your lap. “You make everything sound simple.” “No,” he said. “I just say it plainly.” A smile tugged at your mouth. “That too.” He set his own plate aside and stepped closer. Not too close. Never presumptuous. Just enough that if you wanted to close the distance, you could. “You can ask me again tomorrow,” he said. “Or next week. Or every time you need to.” Your throat tightened. “That sounds exhausting.” His eyes softened. “Then it’s a good thing I’ve good stamina.” You laughed quietly and set your plate down beside you. He was close enough now that you could see the faint crease between his brows, the softness at the edges of exhaustion, the sincerity still too large for his own face sometimes. “Steve?” “Yeah?” You hesitated.

Then forced the words out before you could edit them into something safer. “What if I still don’t know how to do this right?” His expression changed with such immediate tenderness that you almost looked away. Instead, you made yourself stay. He reached out slowly, giving you every second to stop him, and rested his hand lightly against your knee. “You don’t have to do it right.” The old ache moved in your chest again, but gentler now. Less like a bruise, more like healing tissue. “Then what?” He leaned in just enough that his forehead almost brushed yours. “We do it honestly,” he said. “And we keep showing up.” The space between you thinned to breath. This time, when he kissed you, there were no cameras. No contracts. No waiting headlines. Only choice. His mouth was soft at first, asking rather than taking. You answered before your fear could get there first, hand sliding to the front of his shirt, and felt the answering warmth of his body shift nearer.

It was not desperate like the night that had blown everything apart. Not hungry with panic or denial or weeks of wanting sharpened into recklessness. It was better. Slower. Warmer. Deliberate. A kiss that knew exactly what it was doing and wanted to stay. When he drew back, he kept his forehead against yours and smiled the smallest, quietest smile. You exhaled shakily. “Well,” you murmured, “that was alarmingly real.” The laugh he gave then was soft and low and so fond it nearly made your heart stop. “That’s because it is.” For one dangerous second, your mind tried to flinch. Tried to catalogue all the ways real things could still be lost. Then Steve’s hand slid from your knee to your waist, steady and sure, and stayed there. Not trapping. Not claiming. Just present. And you remembered, all at once, that love did not have to arrive as certainty to be true. That maybe it could come like this instead – messy, frightened, honest, still choosing to remain. You touched his jaw with careful fingers. “I’m still a mess,” you said quietly. His eyes held yours. “I know.” Not despite. Not but. Just truth. Something in you loosened. You let out a breath that felt like setting down a weight you had carried so long you no longer noticed the strain of it.

“Okay,” you whispered.

Steve’s thumb brushed once at your side. “Okay.” Outside, somewhere beyond the Tower glass, the city kept moving – messy and loud and alive, full of stories people told because neat endings comforted them. Inside, your story was still unfinished. Still imperfect. Still human. There would be hard days. Bad nights. Moments when old fears rose up and called themselves facts. Moments when Steve would have to choose honesty over instinct all over again. Moments when you would have to believe being loved was not the same thing as being useful. But there would also be this: his hand at your waist in a kitchen lit gold after midnight, grilled cheese cooling on a plate, your forehead against his, and the quiet, radical miracle of not having to pretend anymore. Everything had been a mess. Maybe some of it still was. But when Steve kissed you again – real and certain and entirely yours – what you thought, with a kind of bruised wonder, was not that everything had finally become perfect. Only that it was real anyway.

GENERAL taglist: @mellowfurynight | @castielscaplan | @whatisanniedoin

STEVE taglist: @mrsevans90 | @blobfishlol | @phoenix-in-writing | @sassandscribbles | @alyssinwunderland-blog-blog | @pattiemac1 | @fantasyfootballchampion | @theoryxwaller

Steve Rogers always became painfully aware of his body around you.

Not in the way Tony talked about bodies—flashy, careless, loud—but in the way Steve felt like he took up too much space. Too broad. Too tall. Too solid in rooms you floated through like you belonged everywhere at once.

You were already there when he arrived at the Tower that morning, perched sideways on a lab stool in a soft pastel cardigan, tablet balanced precariously on your knee. You hummed to yourself while scrolling—something light and poppy, completely out of place among reinforced glass and humming machinery.

Steve paused at the doorway.

Adjusted his jacket.

Straightened his shoulders.

Then immediately hated himself for it.

“Morning, Captain!” you chirped, looking up with that familiar smile—warm, open, devastating. “You’re early.”

He nodded once. Then twice. Then realized that was weird.

“Yes. I—uh. I wanted to… check in. See if everything was—” He gestured vaguely at the lab. “Running smoothly.”

You hopped off the stool a little too fast, nearly tripping over your own feet. Steve moved without thinking—one hand hovering near your elbow, ready to catch you—but you steadied yourself with a laugh before he could touch you.

“Still alive,” you said cheerfully. “Barely.”

He smiled. Soft. Fond. Gone again almost immediately as he realized he’d been staring.

His hands didn’t know what to do, so he reached for his gloves. Then remembered he wasn’t wearing them. Then clasped his hands behind his back like he was standing at attention.

You noticed. You always noticed.

You stepped closer, peering at the faint bruise on his knuckle. “You okay? That looks new.”

“It’s nothing,” he said quickly. “Just training.”

Your brows knit together in concern, and Steve’s chest did that thing

tight, warm, dangerous. You reached out without hesitation, fingers brushing his hand, and the contact was brief but electric.

He forgot how to breathe.

“Still,” you murmured, already turning toward your desk. “I’ll grab you ice later.”

You said it like it was obvious. Like taking care of him was a given.

Steve watched you walk away, heart pounding, wondering how someone so gentle could make him feel like he was standing on the edge of something enormous.

You had been working as the Avengers’ main assistant for over a year now, and everyone adored you. Tony pretended not to, but he always made sure you had first access to upgraded tech. Natasha trusted you. Bruce confided in you. Sam flirted shamelessly and harmlessly.

Steve… Steve kept his distance.

Not because he didn’t want you.

Because he wanted you too much.

You were sweet in a way that didn’t ask for anything. Clumsy sometimes, knocking over coffee cups and apologizing to inanimate objects. Talkative, filling silence with stories and laughter, but never shallow. You saw things. People. You saw him.

And Steve Rogers had lived long enough to know that when something this good existed, it was never meant for him.

So he stayed helpful. Polite. Safe.

He opened doors for you with shy smiles he wasn’t sure you noticed.

He made sure your desk was stocked—pens that worked, files perfectly aligned, coffee still warm.

He remembered the throwaway comments you made. Your favorite snacks. The song you’d hummed under your breath one late night.

He pretended it meant nothing.

The first time he realized you might like him back, it nearly broke him.

You were working late, curled into your chair with your legs tucked under you, glasses slipping down your nose. Steve lingered nearby under the excuse of “security.”

“You don’t have to stay,” you said softly, glancing up at him.

“I know,” he replied. “I want to.”

You smiled at that. Not bright. Not teasing. Just… tender.

Later, when Sam walked by and jokingly asked if Steve was “your personal bodyguard now,” you laughed—but you blushed.

Steve noticed.

He noticed the way your eyes followed him sometimes when you thought he wasn’t looking. The way you leaned into his space without fear. The way you mirrored his movements, unconsciously syncing with him.

It terrified him.

Because if you liked him—really liked him—then the thing standing between you wasn’t circumstance.

It was him.

The breaking point came quietly.

You were leaving the Tower together after a long day, rain tapping against the windows. Steve automatically stepped closer when thunder cracked, instinctively placing himself between you and the storm.

“You don’t have to do that,” you said gently.

“I know,” he replied. “I just—”

He stopped.

You looked up at him, eyes searching. “Just what, Steve?”

He swallowed.

“I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

Your voice was softer now. “Nothing’s going to happen.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I know you,” you said. “And you won’t let anything happen.”

That did it.

The words fell out of him before he could stop them. “You deserve someone better.”

You blinked. “Better than… what?”

“Than me,” he said, voice rough. “I’m older. I carry too much. I’m not—easy.”

You stepped closer.

“Steve,” you said carefully, “did I ever say I wanted easy?”

He looked down at you then, really looked, and saw no pity there. No naivety. Just choice.

“I like you,” you continued, cheeks warm but eyes steady. “I’ve liked you for a while. I thought you knew.”

His breath hitched. “I didn’t think I was allowed to.”

You reached for his jacket, fingers curling into the fabric. “I’m not something you have to protect yourself from.”

He hesitated—just a second—before leaning down, resting his

forehead against yours. His hands hovered at your waist, waiting.

When you nodded, he kissed you.

Soft. Careful. Reverent.

The world didn’t shatter. It settled.

His lips were warm, unhurried, like he was memorizing you. You kissed him back with a little more confidence, smiling into it when he let out a quiet breath.

Steve rested his forehead against yours afterward, hands finally sure where they belonged.

“Is this okay?” he asked.

You smiled. “More than okay.”

He pulled you closer, arms wrapping around you completely, solid and safe and real.

And for the first time in a long while, Steve Rogers let himself want something—and keep it. 💙

“So nice to me, sweetheart.” He mocks, leaning a little further down. “Bet you dream about me, don’t you. Up all night with that rabbit Nat got you-“

You shove your foot up, slamming it square on his chest. He’d been getting too close. You’d been able to smell his cologne, and it made your head spin like opium. Bucky laughs again, walking away like you’re not even worth the argument. Your heart stings, but you ignore it. It’s an old bruise. You’re usually good at not pressing it, at pretending it doesn’t exist.

But Bucky exists only to torture you. So it never fully heals.

He’d been teasing about the rabbit thing. It had been a gag gift for secret Santa, and after Nat had even gotten you a very nice pair of shoes when you were in private. But Bucky’s clung onto it, like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever thought of. You, with a vibrator. You possibly being able to get off, when you’re the uptight little prude. The one who never brings back hookups, never dates, just sits in corners like an ivy, clinging to the shadows and watching everything else live around her.

You’ve never been fun. Never been someone Bucky would’ve chosen to know. He didn’t choose to know you. You knew a girl who worked with another girl, and that girl had a boyfriend who knew a girl who needed a roommate. You needed a roommate. You had good credit—because you’re boring—and the girl interviewing you had taken a liking to you.

Natasha rode a motorcycle. She worked in a job she was allowed to tell you about—something in black ops, that explained all the wigs in her closet—and spoke five languages. She baked calm down, and went to shooting ranges to calm down, and insisted on getting you a gun license so she’d feel more comfortable with all the hidden guns in the house.

“Hidden guns?” You’d asked, feeling your face blanch. She’d just smiled.

“You’ll never find them all. Let’s go, it’ll be easy.”

It had not been easy. But you understood how—to someone like Nat—it might be. She’d never lost patience with you, but she’d still made it look easy. When you’d gotten home and mumbled that you needed to go shower for an hour, she’d just patted your head like you were a bunny and smiled.

She might’ve been your first real friend in a while. Because it’s not that you’re not… personable. You’re just a little mean tongued. And nervous. And boring, and blunt, and you don’t like leaving the house unless someone grabs the scruff of your neck and drags you. You go to work, and you go home, and that’s mostly it. Your closest friends before Natasha had been co-workers. And you’d been really, truly happy with that.

But interesting people have interesting friends.

Natasha had a lot of friends. And they moved in and out of your apartment like they lived there. 

Tony was a tech titan who you used to watch on the news, and now he left crumbs all over your couch. Wanda was a refugee and artist, and Clint worked in that same black ops thing Nat did. Steve had worked in it, but left to start his own non-profit with Sam. They all went far back, to elementary schools and playgrounds and clubs. They had history, but they were kind to you. Treated you like your little bachelor’s degree and normal person job fit in with their grand showmanship and large personalities that had been sucked right off the movie screen.

Most of them treated you like that.

Bucky didn’t.

Before you’d been introduced to him, Nat had described his as basically Steve’s brother, and it had been a striking endorsement. Steve had been kind to you. He brought you to a movie you’d really wanted to see, and never made fun of your stuffed animal collection. No brother of his could be all that bad, certainly not one even Nat described as charming and kind and not bad on the eyes.

Only one of those things was true.

Bucky Barnes is not bad on the eyes. You’d classify as maybe a medicine for the eyes, a miracle for the eyes, a blessing on a weary and tired viewer. He works in security or something, and it shows in his body. Sometimes he lets his hair grow out, and it’s frames his strong jaw and nose perfectly, all while making you want to run your fingers through each lock. You’re sure it would be like petting a very well-kept dog. He cares for it better than you care for yourself.

He’s got those eyes that knocked all the thoughts out of you, the moment you saw him. They’d sparkled and shone with his polite, white smile, and you’d just been swaying there like a lost scarecrow in a tornado. Your brain had been reduced to a fuzzy TV static and loud blaring noise, like you’d lost your own connection. Bucky had flexed his hand, a silent reminder you were supposed to shake it, and you hadn’t been able to get enough control over your body to even smile back.

His hand had been big. Calloused, with thick fingers and a lot of tiny scars. You’d shivered just at the idea of his touch. It might’ve been warm.

Might’ve been.

If Bucky had ever bothered to touch you at all.

By the time you’d dragged control back into your body, Bucky had given up and moved on. His ears had been a little red, in the moments after. You’d opened your mouth to apologize, make any excuse that would get him to offer a hand again.

He’d turned and walked away. Hadn’t looked at you for the rest of the night.

And when he looks at you now, it’s with something sharp behind his gaze. He never looks at anyone else like that. Never teases or mocks them, either. Acting like their mere presence in the room is a plague on his refined, perfect existence. He certainly never suggests they won’t be able to make it up five flights of stairs or asks if they’re sure they want to go out for the night.

You hate stairs. And you don’t want to go out for the night.

There’s only one thing more powerful than your picky little aversions, though.

The petty, blistering feeling at the top of your chest, that refuses to let Bucky win.

“You’re really coming with us?” Bucky calls your name from the kitchen, and you lift your chin, trying to look down your nose at the massive man.

“I was invited.”

“You’re always invited, you never actually get off the damn couch-“

“Barnes.” Nat walks past him, whacking his arm. “Don’t question miracles.”

You roll your eyes. “It’s not a miracle-“

“Yes it is.” She grabs your arm, hauling you off the couch like you weigh nothing. “I’ve been asking you to do this for years, I’m not letting Bucky frighten you off with his Buckying.”

That makes you giggle, and Bucky frowns. You catch him shooting Steve a look you can’t really read, and Steve just shrugs in return.

“I’m not trying to ruin it.” Bucky says, lofty and bored. “I’m just sayin’ she never comes out with us, and it might be a lot for the little doe to be shoved into the jungle or whatever-“

“You’re a poet.” Natasha says, giving him a flat glare. “Go wait in the car.”

Bucky scowls. “The car-“

“If you act like a dog, you wait in the car.”

“I am not acting like a dog-“

Sam raises his hand. “I caught him humping the furniture this mornin’ when he heard about it-“

“Sam.” Bucky hisses. “Shut the hell up before I knock your teeth out-“

“Steven.” Nat gives him a firm nod, and he sighs.

“Yeah, I got it.”

Bucky and Sam aren’t small men, but Steve grabs them by the collar and drags them out of the room without breaking a sweat. Leaving you and Nat in a suddenly very quiet apartment, a lingering smell of spice and pine still clouding the air.

Another reason you hate Bucky coming over. He’s mean to you, and he’s nice to everyone else, and he questions you then leaves the whole room stained in his presence.

“Ignore Barnes.” Natasha says it like an order, and it probably is.

You smile at her. “I always do.”

You think it comes off airy and convincing. Nat looks at you like she’s trying not to either scoff, or laugh. Before you can insist on anything, she’s grabbing your hand and dragging you into the bathroom. You did promise you’d let her get you ready. When you’d told her you could do makeup and prep yourself, she’d snorted and said maybe, but I’ll do it better.

One of the first lessons you learned was not to argue with Natasha when she’s sure of something. You let her sit you on the counter and sort through your makeup bag, finding everything she deems worthy of being on your face tonight. Your outfit hangs on the door, and you did choose that, but after Nat vetoed three others.

It’s nothing special. A short dress and heels that will blend right in a club. It hadn’t been that different from your other suggestions. But it had gotten a curt nod of approval and smirk from Nat, so it had something. You’re smarter than to question what.

“You should talk to Bucky tonight.” Nat says suddenly, and you blink at her in surprise.

“I- What?”

“Make him apologize. For being an ass to you.”

“That’s- It’s fine-“

“No, it’s not.” Nat gives you a firm look, and you sigh.

“I know, but- I don’t really care, okay? That’s just- It’s Bucky, right?”

You give her a weak smile, and this one doesn’t even convince you.

It is just Bucky. He’s charming and sweet and handsome, and he hates just you. So you hate him in return, just for being so perfect and deciding you’re the only person in the world not worthy of his attention. It would be easier if he really was a bad man. If you didn’t know he volunteered with kids and Steve’s foundation, if he didn’t advocate for his fellow veterans, if he hadn’t made his ma’s chicken soup when you and Nat had both caught something last winter, and taken the time to drop it off in person.

For Nat.

Because you’re just… Not worth it for him. Not worth his time, not worth his smiling, barely worth anything more than glowering stares and taunting words. And you’re not weak. You fight back every day, and keep all of your desires and affection buried deep in the pit of your stomach and swollen like an infection around your heart.

He never has to know that you think about him all the time. That you feel yourself bloom whenever your eyes meet, then wither when his gaze snaps away. Whenever he presses his body over yours just to tease you, the heat of his body makes your breath hitch. You spend long days daydreaming about how good a boyfriend he’d be, if he didn’t hate you. Attentive and caring and giving.

Every night you think about how giving he’d be. Flowers and coffee like he brings Wanda for galleries, or for Nat or Clint when they’ve been working late night shifts. He likes watching TV, you know, because he spends a lot of time sitting next to you on the couch and loudly making comments until you threaten to force-feed him bleach. But if that wasn’t the blunt and unforgiving knife of reality, you could just lay in his arms forever.

He could pick you up and carry you to bed. The same bed that you put that accursed vibrated between your legs, close your eyes, and dream of him railing you into the mattress. Fucking you until you can’t stand, until you can’t speak or thing, until your eyes are rolling back and your mouth can’t even figure out how to close, so he kisses you possessively or gives you some of those thick fingers to suck on-

“You should still talk to him.” Natasha’s words are blunt. If she’s noticed how you’ve been working yourself up, she doesn’t say a single word. “Before he does something stupid.”

You snort. “Bucky always does something dumb-“

“No. He does a lot of dumb things. Close your eyes.” Nat picks up an eyeliner, and you obey. “But there’s a difference between dumb and stupid. Stupid is harder to take back.”

You grunt, and you don’t think anything stupid Bucky does is going to have anything to do with you. But something scratches at your brain, and it’s green and bitter. Your fingers fidget in your lap, and you shouldn’t ask, but-

“Is he bringing someone?” You blurt, and just the idea makes you sick. Bucky with some model-type, holding her hips while she grinds onto him, all the honey he’d pour into her ears and down her throat while you just hugged yourself in the corner of the room. Her sitting on his lap in your apartment, you trying to hide the ugliness of jealousy but never being able to spare her more than a crude sneer. It’s the only reason Nat would possibly want you to talk to him. You and Bucky’s childish game of pulling each other’s hair and biting without teeth and seeing who breaks first, it ruins his picture of the perfect suitor. If you keep it up, you’ll ruin this for him, and he deserves to be happy but the thought of him being happy while you just sink into yourself like quicksand makes you want to die-

“Jesus, no.” Nat laughs. “That’s- Never mind.” She shakes her head, still chuckling about some secret you apparently don’t get to be a part of.

“What?” You try to push. “I’ve heard about his- You know. Promiscuity.”

Nat snorts. “From who?”

“Sam.”

“Sam’s an idiot.” She dismisses plainly, and you frown.

“Tony’s mentioned it too-“

“They’re both idiots.”

“Bucky’s told me, he said he leaves all his girls satisfied-“

“Bucky is the biggest idiot of all of them. Open.”

You listen again, and find Nat smiling at you with a strangely soft affection. Like you’re some wet kitten she rescued off the street.

“Put on your dress.” She says, wiping the corners of your slightly pouting lips. “Talk to Barnes.”

At the very least, you manage to follow one of those orders.

The dress is a little shorter than you thought it would be. It rides up your thighs, forcing you to pull it down with every step. In the car you cross your legs and stare at the floor, grounding yourself in the bass of Nat’s loud music as your heartbeat starts to pick up. You’re going out. You’re going out. Spiting Bucky was not a good enough reason to do this, it’s going to be loud and you can dance but not in front of strangers, and you’re going to be even more boring than usual and you feel like a fraud.

“Nice dress.”

Bucky’s voice is a low behind you, his breath fanning on your neck. You almost scream.

“Christ, calm down.” He’s grinning when you whip around, leaning forward in his seat to whisper. Sam and Steve are next to him, one very pointedly staring out the window, the other looking at something on his phone and humming like he’s already trying to drown out you and Bucky’s fighting.

“You scared me-“

“You saw me get in the car, sweetheart. Not my fault you’re jumpy-“

“I am not jumpy-“

“You are. Like a bunny.” His grin widens, and you scowl.

The shifting streetlamps make him look like an angel. Golden halo rays behind his head, long shadows that make him look even more rugged than usual. His lips look fuller, softer, eyes glimmering like a floodlight through the dark, and-

“Shut up.” You snap, turning back around. You can’t keep looking at him. It’s dangerous.

“I was just saying your dress was nice.” Bucky’s breath tickles your neck. You wrap your arms tight around your stomach.

“You also called me a rabbit.”

“Called you a bunny-“

“That’s the same thing.”

“No, it’s-“ He sighs, shaking his head. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

You flip him off over your shoulder, glaring firmly out the windshield. You can feel him retreat, but the closeness had lit up your nerves, and now they’re buzzing with hope that he’ll return.

Stupid fucking body. Stupid fucking Bucky.

You refuse to look at him when you arrive. You stumble a little bit in your heels—Natsha insisted on six inch, which is far too tall for anyone—and Bucky catches your arm, holding you upright. You brush his hand off like a fly and march on, refusing to give him the satisfaction of some other comment about how you’re like a baby deer.

When you get inside, you can smell it. The stench of sweat and alcohol and something fruity they probably use to cover the first smells. You cling to Natasha, letting her guide you through the crowd to the bar. She orders you two shots because you need them, and you don’t argue. Between Bucky and the club, you do. 

You down them both without flinching, and Sam whistles from behind you.

“Damn, you took those like a champ.”

You shrug, and Sam elbows Bucky.

“You see that, Buck-“

“Yeah. I saw it.”

Bucky’s voice is lower than usual. Almost sullen. You’d examine him, try to figure out what’s wrong with him, but you’re not supposed to be letting yourself care. He’s not your problem tonight. You’re here to indulge in fun.

You’re already not very good at that as is. Bucky’s consuming presence isn’t going to help.

Another drink might.

You’re three shots in when Nat brings you out to the dance floor. The liquor is pulling you lose, the frayed knot that’s always in your chest going slack enough to allow you to dance. You’re smiling and laughing like a normal person, almost completely able to forget to check where Bucky is in the room.

Near the edge of the crowd, drinking and talking to Steve.

A fourth shot might be needed.

You’re smiling like a fool now. The room is tilted a little, all the colors neon, but they blind out your usual worried and the tilt helps your worries slide off your body. You’re able to forget about Bucky until you notice a girl talking to him, and you take a fifth shot. A sixth, when he vanishes for nine and a half minutes, and your brain starts to map everything he might be doing to that girl.

Seven, when the first stranger asks you to dance and you’re not drunk enough to forget about Bucky and say yes.

Eight, when he tries to kiss you and you shove him away, because his lips aren’t pink enough and he’s not broad enough for you to every pretend.

Nat tries to cut you off there. You slip past her, and take a ninth. The room is just a blur now. You can’t fully remember who Nat is, and why you’re trying to avoid her. There’s a man with his hands on your hips, and he’s got dark hair that looks too greasy for you to touch. Another man calls you sweetheart, but he says it a little wrong and it makes you want to cry. None of them have the right eyes, and the ones that are closer don’t have the right smile.

You feel like you’re going to cry, by the time you’ve rejected the eleventh man. Or only fourth. Numbers don’t feel real right now. Most everything doesn’t feel real.

Everything except Bucky.

Because your own name is just a sound in your head that sounds foreign, but Bucky says it and you know to turn around.

It’s less because it’s your name. More because Bucky called you.

You smile, swaying on your feet, and you’re not even sure where you are anymore. It’s somewhere with a lot of people. Loud music. It’s dark, but bright at the same time, and Bucky looks like a walking dream as he moves towards you. Your vision swims, but he’s made of clear lines and a stern expression.

He’s mad at you. Your face falls, lip wobbling, and you take a step back. You don’t want him to be mad at you. Your heart is already beating in your ears, Bucky’s anger or distain might make it burst.

“Where the hell did you go?” He snaps, and you bow your head.

“I- I dunno-“ You hiccup, hugging yourself tight.

“Nat’s been looking for you, Steve barely stopped her from trying to make the building go into lockdown, and I-“ He cuts himself off, running a hand over his face, and you blink the tears away.

You’re looking up at him under your lashes, and he’s still angry. Some distant voice in your head tells you it’s your fault entirely. That he must’ve been about to go home with someone when they lost you, and now he’s pissed he had to pause his night to find you. You sniff, wiping your nose with your arm.

Bucky’s frown deepens. He takes a step forward, and you try to step back but balance feels like an Olympic feat right now.

His arm loops around your waist, pulling you right against his chest. You stare up at him, tears streaming down your cheeks from feelings you can’t even name anymore. They’re hollow and big and full and made of a million little cuts. They burn in your heart and through your blood, but also freeze in your throat and muscles. You can’t move. You don’t want to move.

Bucky’s big hand is splayed on your back, and you don’t want to go anywhere you can’t feel him.

That voice from before reminds you that’s not allowed, so you wiggle a little.

Bucky holds you tighter, and you surrender in a split second. His frown deepens, and you think you’re still crying. Your cheeks are certainly burning, and your throat feels oddly tight.

Gentle fingers brush under your eyes, and you hum softly. Bucky’s nostrils flare, those fingers brushing hair from your face before cupping the back of your head, forcing your gaze onto his.

“Jesus, woman.” He mutters, those beautiful eyes scanning over your slack face. “How much did you have to drink.”

“I dunno.” You breathe. His brow furrows.

“Best guess.”

You shrug, shaking your head, and Bucky sighs. You want to shrink and hide from him, from his obvious annoyance and disappointment. It’s nothing new, but it’s raw like this. You can’t figure out anything, let alone how to pretend like his hatred doesn’t bother you. You try to turn and hide your face, but Bucky just pulls it right back.

“Over five?” He prompts, and his voice is so soft. Like he’s trying to coax the answer out of you.

“I- I don’t know.” You whine slightly, and he sighs.

“Yeah. Alright.” Bucky’s throat bobs, and he looks up. Glances around you, his hands never leaving your body.

You stare up at him in the dark. You’re not supposed to be looking at him, but it’s impossible. He’s magnetic, and beautiful, and you’ve never been this close to him without one of you trying to claw at the other.

But your fingers cling to the fabric of his shirt, and it’s not to draw blood. You just don’t think that if he walks away you’re going to be able to stand up.

Bucky looks back down at you, and his tongue flicks over his lips. His thumb drags slowly over your cheekbone, leaving a little trail of fire in its wake. Your breathing gets shallow, your eyes fluttering. Everything feels like a lot. Like you’re so high in the atmosphere the air is starting to get thin. Bucky’s brow furrows, and he works his jaw like he does when he’s thinking.

You’ve always wanted to reach up and touch the lines that form on his face, when he worries. They’re deep, and still handsome, but they only ever mark that he’s stressed. He shouldn’t be. It’s only you, and you’re nothing to him.

He lets out a heavy breath through his nose, his hand dragging down to cup the back of your neck. You tip your head back, waiting for him to do something. Kiss you. Bite you. Slam you back against the wall and relieve the ache, building up between your thighs. Maybe just smell you and let his lips brush over a sensitive spot on your neck, teasing you like always until you’re crying and begging for him. 

Instead, Bucky just sighs. He pulls you forward, twisting you until you’re in front of him. His arms cage you to his chest, and he’s almost herding you down the hall.

“Where’re we going?” You tip your head back, and find him glowering at everyone around you.

They’re all moving so fast, stumbling in your path then scrambling away under Bucky’s glower. His eyes flick down to yours for a second, and maybe it’s the delusions of grandeur and liquor, but you could swear they soften slightly.

“We’re gettin’ you home.” He mutters, shouldering the door open. “You need to sleep this off.”

You wrinkle your nose as the chill of night air hits you. “But it’s cold-“

“Car will be warm.”

“But we don’t have a car-“

“We’re taking Nat’s.”

You scoff. “Nat would never give you her car-“

“Well, she did.” He grunts, voice dropping under his breath. “You’d never give me your car.”

“I don’t have a car.” You snap, and Bucky chuckles dryly.

“Yeah, I know.” He opens the door, giving you an amused look. “Up and in, baby.”

Your whole world stops for a second. You feel like you’re floating, a ditzy smile crossing your face, and you start to giggle because he called you baby. Bucky called you baby, like you matter to him, and he’s touching you.

Bucky sighs when you don’t move, and bends down. He scoops you up and drops you in the car like you weigh nothing. You’re still giggling when he closes the door and walks around the hood, sliding into the driver’s seat. For a second you stop, looking out the club with a frown. The world is still hazy, but you can see the neon sign, and it feels like you’re forgetting things that are very important-

“They’re all goin’ back to our place.” Bucky grunts, and you look over to find him staring at you with one of those stone-faced, unreadable expressions that he only uses around you. “It’s closer, cab will be cheaper.”

You frown. “Why aren’t they riding with us?”

“’Cause we’re going back to yours.”

“Why?”

“’Cause.” Is all Bucky offers. He starts the car before you can ask another question, and puts his arm around your seat to back out of the spot.

Nat has a back cam. He just always does it like this, and you’ve always chalked it up to his big, responsible man thing. Usually when the arm is around you, you glare out the window and pretend you can’t feel how close he is. How his fingers brush your upper arm, or how his smell gets stronger.

Tonight you can’t really remember why you do that. And Bucky does really smell good.

You turn your cheek, pressing it into his bicep. Bucky freezes, the car jerking to a stop, and you can feel his attention. It sparks a tiny fire in your core, and seeps down between your thighs. Your lips graze his skin, and he coughs.

His fingers dip down, brushing near your collarbone. You hum happily, and the car starts moving again.

When you’re out of the parking lot, Bucky doesn’t remove his arm like usual. You’re grateful. If he did, you might have chased it right into his lap.

“You have fun?” Bucky breaks the silence, voice gruff.

You nod, turning to watch him drive. He always does it in a way that’s almost unfairly attractive. He holds the wheel lazily, like he knows it’s under his control. You want him to hold you like that.

Bucky clears his throat. “You, uh- You did good.”

“Good?” You murmur, not fully understanding the praise.

You know it makes you throb, and press your thighs together. Bucky’s eyes flick to the motion, and his throat bobs.

“Yeah.” His grip on the wheel is white knuckled. “Good.”

Silence settles again, and you let yourself stare at him. He’s beautiful. So beautiful it makes you unsure that he’s real. You’d like to trace the line of his jaw, hear his smooth, deep voice again. Hear it say your name, because it’s the only thing that reminds you that you’re real. You can’t remember why you ever deprived yourself of this. Of him, and all his quiet glory. He’s a loud man, but never boastful.

He’s only really boastful to you. When he fixes the shower for Nat or someone brings up his army service, he waves them off and laughs, and you’ve always loved that about him. You love most things about him, even when he’s being insufferable. You sort of love that he’s insufferable, too. You’re not that easy either. And if you wrapped around him, you’re hoping he’d be too chivalrous to cut you off. He could mock you all he wants, you’d just hide your face in his neck and breathe him in. Grounding. Handsome. Impossible to resist.

Your fingers are itching, to touch that sad little furrow. There’s nothing for him to worry about. The world revolves around him.

“Saw you got some numbers.” He grunts suddenly, and you pause.

“Numbers?”

“Phone numbers.”

“Oh.” You reach for you bag, checking that the hard line of your phone is still there. It is. You don’t know what he’s talking about.

“You gonna call any of them?”

“Any of who?”

Bucky gives you an exasperated look, then double takes slightly. His worry lines deepen. It makes you pout, grabbing at your own hands to stop them from reaching for him.

“The guys.” He says slowly, frowning at the road. “That you were talkin’ to.”

Oh. Phone numbers. “No.”

His brows raise. “No?”

You shake your head, and Bucky prompts you with an oddly tight voice.

“Why?”

They’re not you. Even your drunk brain seems to know it’s bad idea to say that. “I didn’t want them.”

“Hm.” Bucky taps his hand on the wheel, shooting you a strange look. “Why?”

You can’t tell him that, but you also can’t think of a good excuse this time. You make a lame, half-hearted sigh, and turn your face back into his arm.

He doesn’t push it. He doesn’t talk for the rest of the drive. His thumb drags little circles on your upper arm, lulling you into a half-sleep only interrupted by the bump of the road. You’re not sure how much longer you’re in the car, and when it stops you can’t really remember what you’re supposed to do now.

Bucky helps. He slides away from you, squeezing your thigh in a silent reassurance before he steps out of the car. Your hand traces over where he’d touched you. Bare skin on skin, hands still light and gentle. He seems to have burned his handprint into you, and it spreads until you’re tingly and weak-kneed.

The door on your side opens, and his voice is low in your ears.

“C’mon, pretty girl.” A strong arm loops around your stomach, pulling you back. “Let’s get you in bed.”

You hum, and let Bucky guide you. You trust him completely, with all your heart and not a single question.

He handles you carefully. Guides you inside, holds you steady in the elevator, takes your keys  from your shaking fingers and opens the door. You’re sent to take a shower, but start to trip over nothing the moment Bucky lets go of you, so he sighs and draws you a bath.

“How am I gonna stand?” You mumble, sitting on the toilet while he runs the water. “Or rinse.”

Bucky grunts. “I’ll help.”

You hum in approval, and start to pull off your dress. Bucky makes a strangled sound, eyes flying up to the ceiling, and you’ve never seen his face so red.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Getting ready for a bath?” You frown at him, and he groans.

“You- Fuck.” He takes a heavy breath through his nose, closing his eyes. “Just- Keep your underwear on, alright?”

You nod, trying to ignore the heavy sting that he doesn’t want to see you naked. Bucky won’t even fully look at you as he helps you into the tub. He leaves the room while you sit helplessly in the water, barely moving until he returns. You wrap your arms over your chest, suddenly consciously that maybe you’re not pretty enough for him to look at you. You pull your knees to your chest and sniffle, just waiting for him. You don’t even know why he left in the first place. You wanted him here.

Bucky sighs, when he opens the door to find you crying.  

“Christ, I leave you alone for five seconds- Hey, woah-“ He kneels on the bathmat, hand flexing before he reaches out and wipes away your tears. “It’s alright, you’re alright. Don’t cry, sweetheart, you’re okay-“

You bite down a sob and turn your face, pressing it right into his shoulder. Again, Bucky stiffens. His arms hover for a second, breathing shallow, and you think he’s going to shove you away.

But he doesn’t. After that single, million year heartbeat of a moment, he grabs you. Holds you tight into his body, cradling your head and rocking you back and forth. The water flows under you, pushing up on the lip of the tub. A little bit flows over, splashing his pants.

He doesn’t seem to mind.

“C’mon, baby.” He murmurs, slowly starting to rise. “Let’s get you to bed.”

You nod, wrapping your arms tight around his neck. When he gets you on your feet, he stops for a second. His lips brush near your ear, and an electric rush dart through you. Then, fast but certain, he kisses the side of your head.

It’s so quick you’d think you imagined it, if you couldn’t feel the burn of his lips long after he pulls away. You reach up to brush it, when Bucky deposits you on your bed. You watch him move around the room like he belongs there.

He does.

He’d belong with you, if he wasn’t such a massive butt about your existence.

“It’s your fault, you know.”

Bucky glances up from your dresser, fisting a shirt in his hands. “What?”

“You.” You say, because it’s that simple.

He’s the reason you’re drunk. That you didn’t score tonight, that you’d been crying, that you have to be coddled like a baby.

Not that you mind that last one. It’s wonderful, having him touch and speak to you like he cares.

It’s still all his fault.

“What’s me?” He says, and you roll your eyes at the ceiling.

“All of it.”

Bucky says your name, and you wave him off with a dramatic sigh. You can hear him pad slowly across the room, and when he pulls you up gently you flop over his body. A useless ragdoll he’s trying to get a shirt onto.

But the harder you make it, the longer he’ll stay. The longer he’ll be nice, and touch you, and-

“I love you.”

Bucky stills. Your words hang in the air, but you don’t understand why. You’ve said far worse things to him, and he must have known. You know. You’re pretty sure Nat does too, with all the looks she’s always giving you after Bucky teases you and you flush, or you bicker and he marches away with a scowl.

It’s not some grand confession. You love him like the seasons turn and the sun always rises. It’s a deep, mechanical part of you that can’t be rewired, and you know because you’ve tried. But Bucky’s leans back and stares at you like the sky is falling.

“What?”

His voice is a croak, and you frown at him.

“I love you.” You say it slower this time. Maybe you’d slurred the words, and he hadn’t understood. “It’s your fault, because I love you and you’re just… There.”

He blinks at you slowly, obviously still not understanding. You roll your eyes, and flop back down.

Bucky coughs, grabbing your knee as if to steady himself. He’s sitting down, and it’s not like he’s in love. The world is perfectly under his feet. You’re the one suffering.

“I’m here?”

“All the time.” You whine, and his grip on your knee tightens.

“But you love me.”

“Mhm.”

“So why’s it problem that I’m here-“

“Because you never do anything.”

You can hear the frown in his voice. “I do things. I do lots of things-“

“You never touch me.” You prop yourself on your elbows, glaring down at him. “You just- You’re there, and you don’t like me and it- It makes me-“

“Makes you what.” Bucky’s voice is deep, his eyes dark on yours, and you stick your tongue out at him.

“You don’t get to know.”

“I don’t get to know?” He snorts. “No, you can’t just- You can’t say that kinda stuff then-“

“I wish you’d touch me.” You tell the ceiling.

Bucky grunts. “Yeah, I’ve heard. But-“

“Think I could cum just from listening to you talk.” You hum, your voice sounding like a faraway dream.

Your eyes are getting heavy, and Bucky’s gone completely silent. The words start to float out of you, like steam escaping through windows, into the warm, open sky.

“I’d like to touch you, too. Put you in my mouth, or just- ride you.” You sigh. “I want everything. I’d do- Do anything you told me too if you asked. Anything.” You look back up at him, your lip wobbling again. “But you never ask me. Why don’t you ever ask me?”

Bucky’s gaping at you, and he shakes his head, his voice a low croak. “I, uh- You’ve never-“

He swallows, glancing down, and you follow his gaze.

He’s straining through his jeans, shifting uncomfortably. You giggle, flopping back down. Your eyes start to droop, the room fading in and out. Bucky rises over you with a sigh, pulling the blankets up.

“’S nice.” You murmur. “You. Bein’ here.”

You yawn, and Bucky’s laughs. Under his breath, like an inside joke he won’t bring you into.

“Yeah. I know.” His hand grazes over your cheek, and you hum sleepily, eyes closing.

His lips press to your forehead, and it’s like a spell. The world, slowly and easily, starts to slip away.

“Sleep well, baby.” He mutters, and under that command, you do.

He’s not there when you wake up, and you have to be okay with that.

You don’t know how you’re ever going to face him again anyway. There’s a fog hanging over your brain, but it’s not thick enough that you can’t remember last night.

Bucky saw you naked. He was in your room, and put you to bed, and you-

You told him you loved him.

That you wanted him. That you could cum just from him talking to you.

You have to move. You have to change your name and move as far away as possible. Maybe Siberia, or Russia, or Romania, or somewhere he’ll never find you again. Because you told him you loved him, and now he’s gone.

He left a water on your bedside table. Mocking you with the fact that last night was real.

You force yourself to sit up, rubbing your temples, and take the glass. If you’re never going to see Bucky again, and you don’t plan to, there’s no need to spite him with ignoring it.

When you stand up, it takes a few deep breaths to start moving. Nat isn’t home yet, and she probably won’t be for a while. That gives you plenty of time to wallow before you vanish forever. You can spend the morning moping and cursing yourself, then worry about consequences.

You make cereal and put on coffee. Stare at the little bits floating through the milk, and try not to think about Bucky. If he’s thinking about you.

If he is, you don’t want to imagine what. That you’re a whore for throwing yourself at him, a fool for think he’d be open to such a confession—from you of all people—or maybe just the same as he always did. Maybe he’d known the whole time, and he just thinks you were gutsy to say it aloud when he so clearly wants nothing to do with you.

Nothing at all, but taking care of you while you’re drunk. Giving you a bath and putting you to bed, handling you like something precious and kissing the side of your head.

That could have been just more mocking. The same game he’s always played, accusing you of wanting him then laughing. Like he’d already known.  

But playing that game while you’re out of it isn’t Bucky’s style. He likes you biting back, sometimes he dangles comments over your head and grins when you snap at them. So there’d be no reason for him to play when you weren’t even able to a join him. But then there’s no reason for  him to act like that at all.

It’s too early to be thinking this much. You put all your hopeful bets on Bucky having somehow forgotten everything, so you don’t have to move.

The door opens down the hallway, and you glance up. It’s early for Nat to be back.

But it’s not Nat that calls your name through the house.

“Where’d you- Hi.”

Bucky walks into the kitchen, and you stare at each other. He’s wearing his clothing from last night, his hair mussed, two paper coffee cups in his hands. You swallow, and he coughs, glancing around the kitchen.

“I got you coffee.” He mutters a little bitterly, and you follow his gaze to the rumbling coffee machine.

“Oh.”

“You don’t have to- It’s here.” He puts it on the counter, and you nod, focusing back on your cereal.

You’re both silent for another long moment. There air is thick, like a swamp at the height of summer. You’re not sure how you remember to speak.

“How’d you know I was up?”

“Your door was open.” He mutters. “Made sure it was closed before I went out.”

“Did you-“

“On the couch. Just, uh-“ He rubs the back of his neck, eyes locked onto yours. “I wanted to make sure you weren’t alone, and- I think we, uh- You said some things. That we should talk about.”

You rip your gaze away as you flush, but if you’d had any hope of pretending you’d been too drunk to retain the night and just hoping he’d leave you be, that ruins it.

Bucky’s eyes narrow. He walks forward, until he’s right at your side. You can feel his presence buzzing through you, and swallow.

“You remember.” His voice is low, and he leans further down before you can protest. “Don’t lie to me. We’ve both been lyin’ way too much.”

You don’t dignify him with an answer. With even a glance.

Bucky leans closer.

“You said you wanted to touch me.” He’s almost growling in your ear. “You said you wanted me in your mouth, that you wanted me to ride you, that you’d do anything I told you-“

“James.” You hiss, twisting to glower at him.

Mistake.

He looks hungry. His eyes are blown out, only inches from yours, his tongue darts over his lips when you look down at them. He’s watching you like a dog that’s finally been told it can have its bone. Your grip on the counter tightens. It’s hard to stay upright.

“Full name.” He hums, the corners of his lips tugging up. “I’m in trouble.”

“You’re being a dick-“

“Yeah, but you like it.”

“I- You-“

“You love it.”

You freeze at that word. The air feels thin now. Your face is burning, and Bucky’s as collected as ever. Like this is all still just a game to him.

“Fuck you.” You spit. It takes everything you have.

Bucky doesn’t even flinches. “Yeah, you want to.”

Your mouth falls open, and he leans in closer.

“You meant it, right? Everything you said?”

Denying seems pointless. You try to anyway, but your lips barely prepare for the word no before Bucky’s giving you a stern look—don’t lie to me—and your voice dies.

He says your name, and it’s the same voice he used last night. Lighter, gentler, man trying to tend instead of force. You weren’t any match for it last night, but that doesn’t seem to be the drink’s fault. You give in just as easily right now.

“Yes.” You breathe.

Bucky’s eyes flash. “All of it?”

“Bucky…”

“Do you want me.” His voice is demanding now, and you try to look away.

He catches your chin, pulling you back. Forcing your gaze onto his, onto those beautiful, enchanting eyes.

You nod, and he hums in approval. The sound settles, molten and warm in your tummy.

“Do you love me?”

His words sound so sincere and taunting at the same time. You can’t look away, so you glare, and he chuckles.

“Come on, baby.” He brushes his lips over yours, his voice becoming something low. Something dangerous.

You don’t even bother to move away this time. You’re breathing in your chest, your stomach filled with too much desire to do much else. The brush of his lips let you taste coffee and mint, and his grip on your chin is commanding. You’re only putty in his hands. A lost cause that doesn’t really want to be found.

“Don’t make me fuck it out of you.”

Bucky’s eyes gleam, and he’s playing again. He knows he has you, that you want to be had.

His hand drags slowly, gently, on your waist. His fingers dip under your shirt, the soft touch making you gasp. You lean forward, and Bucky leans back. He tilts his head slightly, something stern still in his gaze. You blink hopelessly, trying to figure out what, and he squeezes your hips. It’s grounding and electric, and he presses back forward as you go still below him.

“Do you want me to fuck it out of you.” He growls, and your mouth falls open with a whimper.

Permission. He was holding himself on a leash for your permission.

Doubt drains from your head, far down south where a warm, summer storm is brewing between your thighs.

You spread your legs slowly, and grab his hand on your hips. Push it slightly down, until his attention follows.

Bucky’s jaw clenches, and his hand on your chin drops. You watch as he moves so tantalizingly slow, brushing the band of your panties before dragging down the seam at the apex of your thighs. He rubs you over the fabric, and your hips buck into the touch.

“Fuck.” Bucky hooks two of his fingers, tearing your underwear in one rip. “You’re so wet. Soaked through the panties, soaking my fucking fingers.”

You moan, pressing your face into his shoulder. Bucky dips his fingers into your heat, smearing the arousal all over your pussy, and you shake.

“Bucky-“

“You got this,” he spanks your pussy, then drags the mess down your inner thighs. “’Cause I’m here? Or just from thinking about me?”

“B- Both.” You mumble, trying to keep still as the broad pads of his fingers find your clit, rubbing in slow, tantalizing circles.

He hums. “You think about me a lot?”

Pressing hard on the sensitive button. Your knees give out, and you’re only caught by his arm around you’re lower back.

“Careful, baby-“

“All the time.” You whimper the confession, looking up at him with big, teary eyes. “Think about you all the time, Bucky, you’re- You’re so- Oh my god-“

Bucky yanks his hand from your pussy, grabbing your jaw and angling it back for a kiss.

It’s slower than you thought it would be, with how he crashed over you. You’d been expecting rough and harsh, all spit and ownership. Instead there’s a certainly behind it—a rough passion that’s demanding and hot—but it’s slow. Bucky doesn’t use his tongue until you open your mouth, and he hums in satisfaction when you grab at his hair, tugging slightly.

He grabs your ass, hauling you up on the kitchen counter. His hands wander your body lazily, tracing the softness of your hips and curve of your spine. He chuckles when you arch into the touch, deepening the kiss. Stars swim behind your eyes, and you realize you’re still grinding up into his torso.

“Bucky.” You plead, and he presses another tiny kiss to your lips, taking his sweet damn time.

“Off.” He tugs at the hem of your shirt, and you lift your arms to help him.

He leans back when you’re uncovered, and this time he isn’t trying to cover anything else. He palms one of your breasts, licking his lips before he takes the nipple between his fingers and rolls it. You squeak and his eyes dart up, almost studying how you shiver and blink at him.

“So reactive.” He switches to the other breast, and your fingers dig into the nape of his neck. “Almost came before I even really touched you, sweetheart. If you can’t hold it, you’re gonna be a fuckin’ wreck before I’m even done with you.”

You shake your head, face heating further. “It- It’s been a long time-“

“Yeah, but that’s not it.” He drags his hand down, over your abdomen. Back between your thighs. “You got that little toy keepin’ you satisfied-“

“Not satisfied.” You breathe, head lolling to the side as Bucky resumes his tight circles on your clit. “Not you, Bucky, fuck-“

He groans, dragging you back into a deep kiss. You give him everything you have in return, nipping at his lips and yanking his hair. Bucky groans and picks you fully off the counter, walking you both to your room and kicking the door shut.

“You drive me fuckin’ crazy.” He grunts between kisses, his own steps getting a little uneven. “The stuff I wanna do to you, no way we’re covering it in one night. Years to make up for, gotta ration it.”

“Years?” You pull back, and Bucky grins.

“Oh yeah. You’re not the only one who’s not satisfied, babydoll.”

“But-“

“Ah.” He kisses you, lowering you onto the bed. “Nope. Not now.”

You frown up at him. “Bucky, you said we needed to talk-“

“And now I’m sayin’ not now. And if my memory’s right,” he grins down at you. “You’re the one who said she’d do whatever I want.”

You flush, crossing your arms over your chest, and Bucky laughs. He pulls his shirt off, and you almost fall backwards on the sheets like it’s an atomic blow.

There have been glimpses. Moments. You’ve been to the pool with him before, and he’d been shirtless there too.

But he hadn’t been standing over you, massive and radiating power. You hadn’t been close enough to trace your fingers over the scars littering his muscle, remnants from his time in the army. You reach up in a trace, tracing one closer to his pant line, and he flexes under your touch. A low sound rumbles through him, and he catches your wrist with a warning look.

You giggle. “You’re not the only one who’s sensitive.”

Bucky’s eyes flash, his voice dropping impossibly low. “I’m gonna fuck you until you can’t speak.”

Your shift in the sheets, more desire building in your already aching pussy. Bucky’s attention darts to the movement, and his throat bobs. Every muscle in his body strains, and you give him a sweet smile.

“Prove it.”

Bucky makes that deep, growling sound again and grabs your face between his hands. He presses over you, shoving his tongue down your throat, and this is the kiss you’d been expecting from before. Rough and starved, almost marking you as much as kissing you. He bullies you down into the mattress with his weight, and you spread your legs wide to accommodate him.

“You’re so soft.” He mutters, kneading your thighs as his mouth starts to trail hot kisses down your neck. “Thought about touchin’ you like this forever, about how beautiful you’d be under me. And let me tell you, baby,” he nips under your jaw. “Better than I managed to dream.”

You grind up below him, trying to chase a little more friction. You keep meeting the rough fabric of his jeans, and the drag is beautiful, but it’s still not enough.

“Needy girl.” Bucky drags your legs apart, pressing his hips firmly over your core. The sudden pressure does the trick, and you moan, tipping your head back in brief relief. “Yeah, you like that. Feels so good and I’m not even doin’ anything.”

“Bucky, don’t- Don’t tease-“

“But it’s so fun.” He coos, kissing the corner of your mouth. “You get all nervous, makes me want to stuff you up with cock and see how you squirm-“

You make a loud, wanting sound, trying to fuck your hips up into the air. But Bucky’s heavy. You can only claw at his shoulders, and it just makes him tease more.

His rolls his hips, dragging the bulge in his jeans over your burning core. Your mouth falls open, and he kisses you, sneaking and arm tight around your back.

The forced arch of your back makes your legs open widen, giving him further access. He starts to rut against your bare pussy, and it’s perfect torture. Your arms are tight enough around him to choke, but it doesn’t slow him down. Bucky dry fucks you, your pussy throbbing desperately for release, arousal trickling down your ass and every thrust filling you with a burning pleasure.

You hadn’t been lying. It’s been a long time. But that’s not the only reason why you’re already so close to the edge again. Bucky’s body is everywhere around you, his thick arms holding you tight, his lips wandering over your neck and cheeks, leaving sloppy, open-mouthed kisses. The friction is everything, he’s everything, and you don’t have enough restraint to fight it.

The orgasm is sudden and harsh, shaking your whole body. You claw at his back, twitching and whining in his ear. You didn’t know you could cum that hard, hard enough to make eyes close from the overwhelming sensation, and it’s just from dry humping.

Bucky groans in your ear and pulls back suddenly. His eyes are lidded, expression lustful, and his palm flexes near his bulge like he’s forcing himself not to rub it. Your breathing is uneven, your pussy still aching, and you reach down to try and rub your clit until he collects himself.

He catches your wrist and pins it to the mattress, shaking his head. “You just fuckin’ came, baby.”

“I- I know- I just-“ You try to turn, and Bucky slaps your cheek lightly. Forces your attention back to him.

“You’re a big girl. Use words.”

You want to glare at him, but something about the slightly mocking order makes your pussy throb. Bucky raises his brows, and you barely manage not to drool.

“Want more.” You mumble, and he grins.

“And?”

“And?”

“You what?”

You stare for a second, then roll your eyes. “Oh, fuck off.”

Bucky smirks, squeezing his hold on your wrist. “’S alright. We’ll get there.”

You stick out your tongue, and he hums.

“That’s not very nice, baby. Think we need to work on your manners.”

“My manners are fine-“

“You’re a brat.” He teases, and you flush.

“I am not-“

“Yeah, you are. You’re a wet, needy little fuckin’ brat.” Bucky starts to move your hand between your legs, and you pretend to try and pull away.

He sees the challenge, and yanks it down. Presses it against your core, making you shake. Your eyes flutter, and Bucky laughs.

“Look at you.

“You really still got that vibrator?”

You nod, and he pulls your hand up. kisses your knuckles, eyes sparkling. 

“Grab it.”

You scramble up the moment he lets go of you, yanking open your bedside drawer and pulling out the pink rabbit. Bucky grabs your hips before you can roll back over, pulling you backward with your ass in the air. You twist to look at him and find his attention entirely fixed on your core. On the mess between your legs.

He’s almost in a trance, as he drags two fingers through your pussy lips. You flutter, overly sensitive from before, and Bucky shoves his fingers right into your pussy.

You go limp, at the sudden stretch. Bucky’s fingers are everything you’d imagined they’d be, and more. Rough in all the right place, deft and thick, crooking right at the edges as he finds your g-spot faster than even you can sometimes. He hums like he’s figured out something interesting and kisses the curve of your ass. He starts to rub the tips of his fingers, massaging that happy, spongey place inside you, and you moan into the sheets.

“Bu- Bucky-“

“You’re tight.” He mutters, kissing between your ass and pussy, the tiny patch of skin that sends a shiver up your spine. “And wet. Gonna feel real good around my cock, babydoll. Got a perfect pussy for me to fill up.”

You make another desperate sound, and Bucky presses further in.

“Oh, that sounds good to you, doesn’t it. Getting stuffed full of my cum, being my pretty cockslut. I’d make you walk around with it after, wear a skirt so I can fuck you again whenever you run out. Fuck you until it’s stained on your legs, until everyone can fuckin’ smell it. ‘Till they know you’re mine.”

Your pussy clenches at the possessive promise, and Bucky groans.

“You wanna be mine, don’t you sweet girl.”

“Ye- Yes-“

Bucky yanks his fingers out of you unexpectedly, and you almost scream in frustration. You try to twist around again to chew him out, but he grabs the back of your neck and shoves you into the sheets. You go limp, trembling as tears prick at your eyes. Bucky arms snakes around your stomach, his thumb resting under your clit. Never touch it, or where your pussy is fluttering, desperate to be filled.

“Say it.” He grunts, and you shake your head. You’re not that easy.

Bucky doesn’t seem in any rush to give up though. He spanks your pussy, and you cry out in a mix of pain and delight.

“Say it.” He orders, and your hands fist in the sheets as he spanks your pussy again. You grind against him, chasing more, and he pinches your clit hard.

You almost fly out of your skin, a lewd, garbled plea escaping your lips as another orgasms rushes through you. This one is shorter, but no less consuming. You clench around nothing, mouth hanging stupidly open, and Bucky sucks near your throat, his teeth brushing and making the pleasure all the more intense.

“Fuckin’ brat.” He mutters, awe almost coating his voice. “I’m a damn saint, making you cum again when you’re so greedy. When you got this hungry little pussy, begging to be stuffed with cock, and I’m letting you go first.”

“Please,” you try to flip over, but Bucky’s hold on you is too strong. “Bucky, please- Please just fuck me.”

“Oh, I will.” He kisses under your ear, voice silken and taunting. “But not now, babydoll. Then we would’ve brought this out for nothing.”

“What’s-“

A buzzing sound fills the air, and your eyes widen.

“Bucky, wait-“

“You know, you get more sensitive after you cum.” Bucky drawls, dragging the thick tip of the rabbit up and down your pussy. You try to focus on your breathing, squeezing your eyes shut as your body starts to get swept away in a wildfire.

“God, fuck-“

“Quiet.” He grunts. “I’m trying to talk, sweetheart. Be good.”

You nod, biting on your lower lip, desperate to listen well. To be good.”

“Like I was saying.” Bucky drawls, shoving the vibrating dildo up against your clit, then yanking it away. “You get more sensitive. And I was thinking all night about your little confession. That you can cum just from listening to me talk.” Bucky hums, dragging the head down to rest right over your entrance. “I like a challenge, but I’m got enough on my hands with you today. And since I’m so nice.” He pushes the thick length a little inside you, and your pussy clenches around it. “I’m gonna give you some extra hands. Extra sensitive,” he gives your clit a series of tiny hits, shoving the rabbit in deeper. “Some fake fuckin’ cock to get you ready for the real thing, and me.”

Bucky drags you back into his lap, right as he shoves the dildo home. You almost scream as the smaller bit presses over your clit, the thicker part driven right against where Bucky already knew your g-spot was.

“Bucky- Holy shit-“

He pulls your face to the side, silencing you with a deep kiss as you shake. You’ve already cum twice. That’s more than usual, and you’re not sure if you’ve got another.

You don’t get to tell him that, though. You don’t think he’d care to hear it right now, and fuck, do you want to see him try.

“I said quiet.” He growls when he pulls away, and before you know what’s happening he’s shoving the same fingers that had been in your pussy into your mouth.

You melt immediately, sucking on them as your eyes flutter. Bucky groans in your ear, moving his free hand to hold the rabbit inside your gushing, oversensitive pussy.

“Good girl.” He drawls in your ear. “Didn’t even have to ask, you just knew didn’t you. Fuck, you suck my cock half this good I’m not gonna be able to last ten minutes.”

You moan, and Bucky kisses the corner of your jaw before continuing.

“I know you’d like that. What was it you said? That you wanted to touch me? When this is done we can get you on your knees. If you behave.” He nips at your sweaty skin. “I’ll let you suck my dick. I’ll even fuck your face if you ask real nice. I hope you’re nice, baby, cause I can imagine it. You crying, lips around me, fucking your fingers while you choke on my cock. My pretty baby, my sweet fuckin’ doll loving me so much.”

You slump back against him fully, hips rolling uselessly, and it’s more subtle this time. The heat building at the bottom of your tummy, winding tight and made of a strange pressure.

“You’re gonna say it.” He coos in your ear, and your pussy starts to fight against the rabbit. Like it knows you can barely take it.

But you can’t lend it much energy. You like this position well enough.

“After you cum for me again, I’ll fuck you. Fuck you properly like the brat that you are.” Bucky groans, pressing his nose into your hair. “Walking around, making me feel like I’m the asshole for wanting you, for loving you when you’re snapping off at me,you’re a mouthy fuckin’ thing, aren’t you babydoll. Lotta bark but,” he pushes his fingers further into your mouth. “Not even a little bit of bite.”

Your eyes roll back, head pressing into his shoulder, and you give him a silent look of pleading that’s only met with a mocking grin.

“So pretty like this, sweetheart. Stupid and quiet, I ain’t even fucked you yet. Won’t clean you up after you’re done, just let you walk around with it dripping. Maybe I’ll fuck you until it sticks. Until you’re mine.”

Your back arches, and you’re so close. You can feel Bucky’s dick twitch against your ass, and somewhere in the distance your thoughts manage to collect enough to tell you that he removed his bottoms at some point.

“Fuck, ‘course you’re into that. Shouldn’t have expected more from you, with how much you love this. You’re close, baby.” His lips tease the shell of your ear. “So close.”

You whimper, grinding down onto him as the dildo vibrates, and Bucky groans. He pins you down to his lap with a hiss, fingers flexing on your stomach.

“Shit- You can’t just-“

He presses his mouth where your neck meets your shoulder, kissing and sucking as his dick throbs against you, and his dirty talk becomes mumbled and deep. 

“My pretty fuckin’ girl, can’t even wait for it, cum for me, babydoll, come on, fuckin’  show me how much your greedy pussy wants my dick-“

The pressure breaks like a flood. Your pussy gushes so hard it pushes out the rabbit, and your head flies back as you grind into the air. Bucky moans, fully moans, and starts to rub your clit back and forth with the palm of his hand. You grab his wrist, spasming and trying to chase it and escape all at once. You whine as it becomes all too much, batting at Bucky’s hand.

He stops, collecting your release on his fingers.

When he presses them against your lips, you open. Hum as he feeds your own juices to you. All you can do is lap at his fingers and look at him under fluttering lashes, and he smiles.

“Good girl.” He coos, and your body seizes up again. You moan around his fingers, and Bucky laughs.

He pulls them out, turning your head for a gentle, deep kiss. You’re boneless and cockdrunk, only able to let him give and give whatever he’s willing. You can’t even try to drag him close.

Bucky rolls you over, making sure your back is pressed into the mattress as he kisses you lazily. He rises up after a few moments, his gaze raking down your body, and you flush. If you had more strength, you’d cover yourself. You’ve never been good at being looked at.

But there’s nothing expect awe and affection in Bucky’s eyes. He traces a hand over your every curve and softer spot, rising slowly on his knees to part your legs.

“You’re a miracle, baby.” He murmurs, pumping his cock in his hands and for once, you feel like one. “Look at what you do to me.”

You do, and you might be about to burst into flames.

Bucky’s thick. Long, but not enough to worry you, and thick. He’s going to drag, be able to get balls deep and make you feel him everywhere.

You’re drooling, and he sees it. He smirks knowingly, and you wrinkle your nose.

“Come on.” He teases. “Say it, and it’s all yours.”

You shake your head, and Bucky hums. Crawls back over your body, notching his cock right at your entrance. His hovers his lips over yours, not quite fully kissing.

“Say it.”

When you find your voice, it’s raspy and broken.

“No.”

“But you know you want to.” He presses the first inch inside, and if you’d had any worries about not being able to take more, they’re knocked away with how good he feels.

You were right. He’s an even bigger stretch than his two fingers, and it perfect. There’s a slight ache, but it’s overwhelmed by the closeness. By how well he fits, how much you need more of this brimming, explosive pleasure already threating to take you over.

“Just say it, pretty girl. Say it for me.”

You shake your head, and Bucky pushes further in, and your hands fly into his hair like they were pulled there.

He groans, rutting into you, and bottoms out. You didn’t know you could feel this good. Be this full. Bucky moans in your ear, and you breath slowly, trying to adjust.

“You feel so good.” He smashes his lips over yours, the kiss demanding and long. “Knew you’d feel this good, always knew you’d feel this good, Christ-“

You roll your hips up, and it makes Bucky jerk. He slams into you, knocking the air from your lungs, and your toes curl in delight.

He barks your name, grabbing your jaw, and you beam at him.

“More.” You breathe, and Bucky’s eyes widen in slight surprise.

He recovers fast.

“Yeah?” He pulls out slowly, then slams back in, his tip kissing your cervix. “You like that? Like being fucked like a toy?”

You moan happily, and Bucky laughs.

“Thought you might surprise me, babydoll, but no.” He taps your cheek, and you open without a thought. “You’re just the pretty cockslut I thought you were.”

He drags all the way out again, but this time pushes in slower. You whine, but he doesn’t even acknowledge you, setting a slow pace that feels good, but is far too much. The roughness made you numb with a good, fuzzy sensation, but this makes you feel it. Bucky’s cock dragging against your gummy walls, the press of him over your g-spot and heat of him, right over your clit.

You can barely take it. You’re already so fucked out from the other orgasms, you’re barely able to hold onto Bucky properly. You think you might be about to black out from pleasure, but no part of you wants him to stop altogether, and how you’re trapped somewhere between paradise and hell.

“Look at you.” He grabs one of your breasts, palming it as he thrusts smooth and deep. “Nobody else does this to you, do they. Makes you feel so good, gets you so stupid on their cock.”

You shake your head, and Bucky taps your mouth again.

“Words.”

“Bucky…”

“Want to hear you, sweet girl.” He kisses your cheek, words pure filth in your ears. “Here you scream for me while I fuck you, hear how much you love it.”

“Can’t-“

“Yes, you can.” He slams a little firmer, giving you a pointed look. “Good girls listen. And when they listen,” he repeats the motion, holding your gaze. “They get filled up.”

You whimper, but nod. Bucky smiles in satisfaction, returning to his torturous speed from before.

“Anyone else do this to you?” He grunts, and you shake your head.

“No- No. Never, Bucky, only you-“

He groans, picking up his pace. “That’s fuckin’ right. No one fucks you like this, I’m gonna ruin you. If you wanna cum you’ll have to find me, I’m the only one who plays this perfect fuckin’ pussy- Shit-“ He groans, jaw clenching as he hits a little deeper than before. “Nobody takes care of you like me-“

“No one.” You echo, and you’re rewarded with another rough slam. “No one, Bucky, only- Only wanted you, needed you- Fuck-“ You cry out, pressing your cheek into his jaw. “You and your thick cock, needed you so bad-“

“I know. I know, babydoll, but I’m here now.” He kisses you quickly, speeding up again.

It’s enough to make you start to feel it again. Not slowly building, but being dragged out. The tip of Bucky’s cock drags through you, and that hot feeling in your core starts to fill up again. 

“Wanted to do this for so long.” He groans in your ear, and a loud moan escapes your lips. “You really got no idea, I thought I was gonna lose it every time I saw you, thought you’d never let me- God-“

You clench around him, and Bucky angles your hips up, allowing him to hit deeper. You moan, and he kisses the back of your neck, sucking a dark mark.

“My girl.” He mutters possessive, and you babble an agreement. “My smart, mean fucking baby, drunk on my cock. Prettiest girl in the world, mine-“

You moan, and Bucky cuts himself off with a groan. He kisses you again, then rises over you. Bracing his arms on either side of your head as he looks to where he’s fucking into you. Your gaze follows, and the warmth in your gut flares at the sight.

It’s the most vulgar, pornographic thing you’ve ever seen. Bucky’s thick cock, sliding in and out of you with ease. Precum and your own need for him shining on the thickness of him, his chest flexing with restraint as he forces himself to keep the same pace. You watch his cock vanish into your body, and feel him deep inside you, and God-

You look up, checking if Bucky’s as strangely moved by that as you are, and find him staring at you. The moment your eyes meet, he grabs your jaw, pressing you back down into the pillows with a rough kiss. You’re unable to do anything but take it all. Bucky’s tongue pressing down your throat, his lips moving expertly over yours, his cock fucking every word but his name out of your head.

“Look at me.” He rasps when he pulls away, and you nod.

His eyes are almost wholly black, and shining. Tears prick at yours, but Bucky leans down, kissing them away before going faster again.

His balls start to slap on your ass, his cock pumping in and out of you until it’s all you can think about. Bucky deep inside you, lighting you up, how you can feel a rush up your spine with his every thrust. A lewd, wet sound is filling the room as he pounds into you. Your pussy burns and spasms every time, but it’s too good to fight.

Bucky’s too good to fight. You don’t know why you tried for so long.

“Bucky-“ You breathe, and he grunts.

“You’re close, sweetheart.” He mutters, and you don’t know how he knows, but he’s right.

You’re about to snap again. To lose it from how he’s fucking you like you’re a doll and the love of his life, all at once. You grab his wrist, squeezing tight.

“Pretty girl,” he teases. “Gonna soak this cock like a good girl, aren’t you. Give it to me, baby, show me how much you love it-“

“Love you.” You breathe out, and Bucky freezes.

Balls deep, he stills. His cock throbs in protest, but he doesn’t seem to care. 

You blink at him, praying you didn’t ruin it. Bucky swallows, and rasps out your name.

“What?”

“I- I love you- Oh.”

He jerks into you when you say it, and you almost fly out of your skin.

“Fuck, Bucky- I- I love you-“

It happens again, but you don’t think he’s doing it to mess with you. He can barely seem to control himself, his attention almost feral as his cock jumps inside you.

“I- I love you- Oh my god-“

Bucky dives over you, kissing you like he’s trying to steal the words from your mouth. Like he can taste them.

“Damn right you do.” He grunts, cock dragging inside you as he starts to fuck you, shallow and brutal. “Love you, love you so much, you’re-“

He kisses you, and somewhere through the floating, hazy dreamworld his cock is fucking you into, you think he’s run out of words.

Bucky’s fucking you like an animal, because there’s nothing left for either of you to say. He pulls your hips back up to that angle from before, returning to that pace from before that pulled the confession out of you. You’re in incoherent, babbling mess, tugging at the sheets and watching Bucky above you like he’s God.

“Good girl.” Is all he’s grunting out, but it’s deep and every word of a noise than anything else. “Mine, my good fucking girl, gonna fill you up, you’re-“ He moans, doubling over your body as his thrusts become short and harsh. “You’re perfect-“

From nowhere, you find the strength to reach up and grab Bucky’s face. You pull it down, kissing him with every word you’re too ruined to say, and he moans.

Bucky slams home, muttering your name against your lips like a prayer. You can feel him everywhere. Hot and sticky, pumping deep into your own heat, coating your walls, dripping out and running down your ass. When Bucky starts to move again, slow and lazy, he presses it deeper, spreads it everywhere.

It’s hot on your clit, and Bucky’s still jerking and spraying inside of you. You’ve never been this full, it’s addicting. Your brain is empty, body alight with the feeling, Bucky’s cum so thick and demanding that you could swear you feel it washing through your whole body.

He reaches between your legs to rub your clit.

You get there all on your own.  

Your vision goes white, as you cum. You’re so out of it you feel it the same way you feel a cool breeze. Light and relieving, washing over the heat inside you and pulling a happy sigh from your lips.

Bucky kisses you, and this time it’s only sweet. All his mean words and taunts so easily dissolve as you reach up, running your fingers through his hair. He smiles against your lips, and you smile back.

“Told you I’d do it.” He mutters, and you shove his chest with a weak laugh.

“Shut up.”

He grins, moving up to kiss your brow, then the side of your face. He’s still buried inside you. Neither of you are in a rush to move any time soon.

“You mean it, though.” He pauses, moving back over your body.

There are those worry lines again. You reach up with a tiny smile, and soothe your fingers over them. Bucky hums, leaning into your touch, and you smile.

“Yeah.” You whisper, and his shoulders sag.

“Thank god.” He presses his face between your breasts. “That would’ve been bad.”

You laugh, running your fingers through his hair, and he wraps his arms around your body. He’s slid out a little, but you’re still connected to him, and you never want to move again.

“How long?” He mutters against you, tilting his head to meet your gaze. “Cause mine was when I saw you.”

You flush stupidly—he’s inside you—and mumble, “Me too.”

Bucky frowns. “But you were always- “

“And were you any better?”

He snorts, leaning up to peck your cheek. “Fair shot.”

“I know.” You snip, then, “You- You meant yours, right? I mean- What you said while…”

You trail off, because you didn’t imagine it. I love you and mine, too sincere to just be dirty talk.

Bucky rises back over you, gently guiding your gaze back to his. He smiles when your eyes meet, and kisses the tip of your nose.

“With everything I fuckin’ got.” He mutters, and you smile.

“Good.”

“I know. I mean, I did really well for myself- I’m complimenting you, woman!”

You’d shoved him, and Bucky grabs your wrists, wrestling them down into the mattress. He looks at you with a rough, fond exasperation.

“You’re a gremlin.”

“You like it.” You beam up at him, and he lower back down, kissing you lightly.

“Tough curse.” He mutters. “But I’m enjoying it.”

You roll your eyes at him, and he grins. Beautiful and all yours.

“Can we stay here for a while?” You ask, just because you want to have this, and sit in it. “Please.”

Bucky nods, and you feel your heart shine like it’s been given new batteries. Beating out of your chest and comfortably all at once, as Bucky rolls you both onto your sides, wrapping tight around you.

“We can do whatever you want.” He mutters, rubbing your hips and kissing the marks on your neck.

You relax, because you believe him. About all of it.

And now, you have him with you for all the time in the world.