I'm Alastor

"I have never seen a cat that showed affection/love for it's owner" is the pet ownership version of "I don't believe in Female Orgasms they don't exist, after all, my wife has never had one"

I remember one time I got INSANELY high off of edibles while playing Among Us, and it quickly became apparent to the other players online. I forget how honestly but literally anything "sus" I did was ignored by everyone because I was so fucking high. I tested this theory by standing in front of a body and the person that actually reported it didn't even mention me. The funniest part was when I was trying to do wires, I kept fucking up over and over again, so I was just standing in front of wires for actual minutes trying to figure it out. A small crowd of players gathered around me to watch and would get mad every time someone reported a body or emergency meeting because "she's never going to get her tasks done if you keep interrupting them." I don't think anyone cared about winning at that point, they just wanted to see the high crew mate succeed in her tasks.

THIS IS 1000% ACCURATE LMFAO. Thank you op

Reading about an arsenic murder case in which probably a daughter killed her mom with poisoned clam chowder but she was acquitted because the defense were like “can you prove that ANYONE wouldn’t die after eating takeout clam chowder delivered by children in August? In 1896?” and the jury were like no yeah fair point I too have had clam chowder stomach

i have seen this post on my dash 7 times now and every time i think more loudly, 'this is what Batman villain The Penguin's dialogue sounds like when they let him be fun to watch.'