I can never get anything done, even if I could it would never be good enough for me. I have so many āfinishedā assignments Iāve left to rot because everything is just too humiliating. I would rather have a 0 rather than a 50 or a 60 or a 70.
Last term I failed a class because I couldnāt bring myself to show up or turn in my assignments. I spent so much time working outside of class but I was so ashamed about my work. I would get up for class and just freeze at the door every single morning. It was particularly humiliating because I stupidly told the professor about my OCD diagnosis.
I rewrote my handwritten assignments over and over and over again in my foreign language class. I would miss the deadline because I couldnāt finish after rewriting it so many times. I couldnāt bear to ask my TAs for help. I couldnāt get myself to converse with my classmates because my pronunciation was never good enough. No matter how much I studied it was never enough for me.
Each term it feels like Iām unraveling more and more. At the end of each term I feel more and more shame and I feel like Iām drowning. At the same time, I feel like this is just how it has to be for me. I have to be held to this standard to prove myself, itās the bare minimum.
