Homebrewing Dad

I was up early today. I am a lot of days. At 50 you would think I could look beyond that scared child but sometimes, I just can't.  

In the middle of the night, I was him.  4, maybe 5 years old- Dad had just been informed that his best friend's son had learned to ride a bike and they were coming over that afternoon.  

His friend often compared his son, Mark and me in a braggadocious type of way. "Jason isn't doing that yet?  Mark has been doing that since..." You get the idea.  

It really got to my dad but instead of being pissed at his friend for comparing children in a competitive manner, he was mad that I wasn't better.  I knew I wasn't good enough for him. I felt it.

So, there I was at the top of my driveway, on a bike, training wheels removed against my wishes, excited and nervous. My Dad was holding the back of the bike barking out instructions for riding.  I didn't dare tell him I was scared or ask any questions.  I knew even at that young age that those types of things were not welcomed.

He ran with me for a few steps and let go.

I stayed up until I got to the road.  Our driveway had a hard transition to the street.  I hit it and fell over scraping my hands and knees. My mom is in the carport and is just saying, "Oh no oh no oh no!" in a panicked manner.  My Dad rushes down to scoop me up. I am thinking this is where I get comforted and maybe some band-aids.

I was wrong.

My Dad yanked me up from the asphalt, my body still entangled in the purple bike frame with the banana seat and started cussing and calling me a little sissy.  The bike just kind of fell off of me at some point as he dragged me into the house in a flurry of high pitched caterwauling screams directed at me.  I was too scared to cry out. I felt like a cat appears to feel when yanked up by the nape of their neck, just paralyzed and waiting for it to end.

My dad then yelled to my mom "Go get him a dress." My mom said "Oh, [Dad's name] no. Don't do that, he's hurt."

"I SAID GO GET A GODDAMNED DRESS. THIS SISSY IS GONNA WEAR A DRESS WHEN MARK COMES OVER SINCE HE RIDES A BIKE LIKE A GODDAMNED LITTLE SISSY GIRL!!"

My mom complied.  

At this point, I was no longer paralyzed but crying and bargaining and pleading for this to not happen.

I refused to put it on.

"PUT IT ON THE LITTLE GODDAMNED SISSY!" He shouted at my mom.  

My mom complied.

I remember fighting her to keep her from buttoning the shoulder straps. She was pleading with me to just do it and stop making it worse.  I wouldn't stop but they finally got it on me.  

My crying came harder.  I was screaming and begging to take it off. My dad refused.

He placed me in front of the mirror in their bedroom.

"LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR YOU LITTLE SISSY."

"No, Daddy please, please no." "YOU'RE GONNA LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THAT GODDAMNED DRESS.  YOU ACT LIKE A LITTLE GIRL WE ARE GONNA DRESS YOU LIKE ONE.  YOU WANT A BOW IN YOUR HAIR TOO YOU LITTLE SISSY?"

I will never forget that fucking dress.  It was green.  It had an owl on the front with big buttons for eyes. 2 shoulder straps held it on to me. I looked at myself in it with my straight cut bangs, red face, bloody hands and knees and tears covering my face, neck and chest.

My mom turned me toward the mirror, made a weak plea to my dad to stop.

He either didn't hear her or didn't care.  It wouldn't have mattered.

I was finally let out of the dress as my friend and his dad were walking up the  driveway - a show of mercy, I suppose. I was told to stop my goddamned crying, clean up my knees and face and get out there.

I knew better than to act like anything was wrong, like anything remotely like what had just happened had happened.  I cleaned up, smiled and played with Mark feeling lesser than him.

I feel like the easy answer to George C. Scott’s role would be Woody Harrelson but Jim Carrey could possibly be a good back up just because of the facial contortions that George C Scott uses for this character and Carrey’s ability to turn his face into silly putty.  (BTW, if you have not seen Jim Carrey in ‘Kidding’, you ar emissing one of the best shows I have seen in a long time.  They writing, acting and the entire cast are just phenomenal).

As for the trio of parts by Peter Sellers, I think Robert Downey Jr. is the best option though I suppose that Johnny Depp would probably be serviceable in the role.  

My youngest daughter is now in middle school and is 11.  She is profoundly dyslexic.  School is not easy for her but she is a warrior.  She has rarely complained or given up.  She trudges forward with her reality.  She has also decided to take a turn at being a writer. It is all just for fun but I am really proud of her.  Getting thoughts from her brain into text is really tough for her but she has a chapter and a half written and it is a well thought out story for a kid her age.  

I am extremely proud of both girls.  They both continue to surprise me in the best of ways.  Without knowing it or even trying, they have made me a much better person than I would be without them in my life.  They are growing, becoming independent and, with each day, slowly moving on from life with us.  I get sad about it occasionally. I miss making up bedtime stories for little, wide-eyed girls, unsolicited hugs and little shadows that followed me around everywhere. That said, I would not take a single thing from them in order to get that back.  They have earned their places, their growing independence and lives beyond their aging parents.