🌵🦊🐺🐱🐾

Oh hey... it's only been about 5 years or so since I've used this thing. A lot has happened.

My extended absence is due to the fact that I’ve been in the process of trying to get disability while also facing divorce, an unstable housing situation, unemployment and no income, and a struggle to get assistance I desperately need in terms of access to food, healthcare, and stable shelter.

I had a mental break at the beginning of January and admitted myself to psych emergency. I was going to voluntarily admit myself, but because I’m still on my ex’s insurance and they are contracted with a specific psych hospital as long as they have beds open, I was sectioned, transferred, and placed on a 72 hour hold - I stayed for a week.

I am still living with my ex for the time being. My only other two living options were my mom and my sister. My mom is out as an option because, after I was released from the hospital, my stepfather told her if I stayed there, he would leave her. As for my sister, she’s expecting her third child in April and lives in a two bedroom apartment on the third floor of a 3 family. That would be a challenge because I’d just further cramp their already tiny living space by adding a 6th person to the mix and because of my physical limitations, I cannot easily make it up and down her stairs.

I’m on a wait list for an adult shelter, but they only have 4 beds for women. I also have housing applications out, but the wait lists are horrendously long. I was denied for SNAP based on my ex-husband’s income as we are still legally married and share a household, even though I am entirely cut off from him financially. My only source of food is a food pantry and much of what they offer is difficult for me to make use of because I’m unable to spend a lot of time prepping and cooking meals. The most I can do is make use of frozen and microwaveable things, things that require minimal effort like boiling water or tossing something in an oven, or making a sandwich.

Up until now, I’ve been putting off filing for divorce because (1) I can’t afford the fees to file, though there are ways to have them waived if you have low or no income and (2) it’s been the only way I can protect myself from being kicked out and made homeless. The downside is that, as long as I stay legally married, it hurts my chances at getting the assistance I need to survive because he makes too much money. Apparently it doesn’t matter that he’s cut me off and doesn’t support me.

I’m finally going to start the divorce proceedings in the next couple of weeks, though doing so is going to leave me vulnerable.

Where to start?

Back in January, when Seán did the charity stream for AFSP, I became aware of the @jse-pma-discord and decided it was a server I’d like to join but couldn’t find an invite anywhere. It wasn’t until February that I finally found an invite and joined. I stayed mostly quiet and kept to myself for the first couple of weeks, but as the Boston HDWGH show and PAX East approached, I started to become more active as the excitement for both events built up.  I quickly became friends with a variety of people and the server felt like home.

I stayed mostly in the main chat channels, but occasionally would pop into the one channel dedicated to negative topics to help people out and share my own, similar experiences with the trials life throws at all of us. Occasionally I would use it to vent my own frustrations and despair and there was nearly always someone there to help.

It was in this channel that I first interacted with a person who went by the name ‘Equinox (Nox for short)’ when he was having a rough time of it. I helped him and talked him down from doing himself harm and, just like the rest of my interactions in this particular channel, figured it was just another instance of offering comfort to someone in need.

Not too long after that, I started checking out the voice chats and just sat silently listening to others talk while responding in the text-based server that accompanied it for those who didn’t have mics or simply didn’t want to talk. This is where I first “properly” met Nox because he happened to be one of the more talkative people and his voice was capable of dominating the vc. Oftentimes, he was playing games while chatting and his commentary was rambunctious, fun, and hilarious. My first impression was that he was just some crazy kid with a mad laugh (seriously sounded like something that would come out of the Joker’s mouth). I didn’t think much of it.

PAX East had just ended and I had developed back pain from over-exerting myself despite trying to avoid doing just that. I tried to battle through it, but one day I woke up with pain so bad that my right leg started to go numb and it was impossible to lay, sit down, or stand comfortably. I became incredibly concerned, considered calling for an ambulance, and settled for a very uncomfortable Lyft ride to the ER. I was diagnosed with sciatica, given an injection of an opiod to relieve the immense pain, and sent home with safer pain meds and a muscle relaxer. I would be restricted from doing several tasks at work and I thought that would be the end of it.

I struggled through a week of trying to do my job before realizing that I wasn’t recovering well at all, and ended up going out on an unpaid medical leave. I was easily bored and alone, so I turned to the PMA server for company. Over the course of about a week and a half, I found myself talking to Nox more and more and getting to know him along with some of the other frequent chatters in the vc (side note: this is where I found out we lived in the same state). My sleep schedule started to suffer and I got really lax about taking my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. My mood started to falter and I started having frequent anxiety attacks and my agoraphobia swelled up.

One night, my anxiety manifested in the form of pure rage, I had been going without food and was desperately hungry. Everything felt hopeless and I wanted to destroy something--anything. I settled on destroying myself.

That night, as I let my hurt, rage, and hopelessness spill out into the server, Nox was there. He stepped in to try and help but I was absolutely set on ending myself.  It was not the first time that week that I had threatened to destroy myself, but it was the first time I had said it with all intent to follow through--but then he sent me a single message that snapped me out of it: “you’re an amazing person and all of last Saturday I was terrified you were dead....I felt a new kind of numbness in my heart.”

I became acutely aware that I wasn’t alone and that there was at least one person out there that cared enough that they wanted me to keep on existing for some reason. I couldn’t understand or wrap my head around why at the time, but it changed everything for me. I ultimately made a promise that I prefer to keep personal, but within a few days, I realized that an incredibly strong bond had been forged and I had developed a love for this Nox character.

We started talking more and more frequently. It’s only been about a month but it feels like ages longer. He adopted me as a mother figure because, well, I’m twice his age, and I gladly took him on as a son because I’ve always wanted to be a mom but my chances of doing so are dwindling fast. It’s almost as if some unseen force brought us together at a time that we both needed someone to be something we were lacking in our lives.

After a lot of late night chats and private messaging, a plan was developed to meet in person. Nox had to graduate from high school first before we could even think of anything more than a place to meet at.  One week ago today, after a lot of build-up, we finally met in person.

We decided to meet in a rather large park that was located about mid-way between where I live and Nox lives. It was public enough that he could feel comfortable meeting someone from the internet, but large enough that there weren’t any large crowds that would make either of us overwhelmed and nervous.

The entire trip to the park, I was talking to him on Discord and trying to soothe my growing nerves to no avail. I got to the park first and sat on a bench while nervously looking around and waiting. I had hyped up the idea of hugging Nox for as long as he’d allow me (he has a touch sensitivity), but had half-jokingly said at the last minute that I’d likely chicken out of the hug altogether. I was pretty much prepared to not run or jump or be too eager because of things that were said beforehand.

As I was sitting on the bench, I got a final message from Nox saying that his ETA was 6 minutes and suddenly my nerves spiked to crazy levels. I alternated between short periods of zoning out and being acutely aware of my surroundings. Those six minutes both felt like ages and like they went by incredibly fast. Next thing I know, I see Nox running towards me before sweeping me up into one of the most incredible, warmest, longest hugs I have ever experienced.

Every moment of sorrow, angst, worry, joy, comfort and love was felt in that hug. I nearly cried both tears of joy and pain. My nerves swelled and quickly dissipated. I was taken by surprise and then felt like I was home. I didn’t want to let go, but I wanted to take every second with him in.

I immediately knew that every warning I had been given about his paranoia were unfounded, especially when Nox didn’t even try to stop his father from leaving him alone with me. The connection was instant.

We spent most of our time sitting on a bench in constant contact with one another. We shared that we loved each other innumerable times. There were so many hugs between snuggling and watching Youtube videos, every one tighter than the last. It was very clear neither of us wanted to let the other go. Being with Nox was just so.... natural.

Eventually his father came back and started hinting that it was time to go, but Nox just kept holding on to me and even went as far as to say “she’s mine now and I’m keeping her” and my heart just swelled. He had no cares that his father saw us cuddling, no cares about anyone who looked at us, he was just in the moment. He cheekily stalled his departure as long as possible.

When he could no longer stall and it was time to go our separate ways, (after roughly 3 hours), he left me with an “I love you” spoken in front of his father, something that he had said would likely not happen. I was taken by surprise but so happy I swear that I was capable of flight for a moment.

I went home slightly sad, but I was so warm and flushed and loved that the sadness was just a drop in the ocean of wonderful feelings. I could still feel every hug on my skin. I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face for the first time in a very long time. I felt... complete.

Later on, I likened the need to being in constant contact with Nox to the skin-to-skin bond that is encouraged between mom and newborn after birth. I was as if all that touching was intuitive and necessary to strengthen an already deep bond.

Anyhow... this has become long-winded enough, so I leave you with a photo from the meeting.

As is probably obvious, Nox is camera shy and values his privacy, hence the self-censoring. But I, of course, do have a photo where he’s not covering his face for the sake of memory.

To be honest, I'm feeling kind of empty Inside 

I feel completely all alone 

Try to fill the void with warmth and joy 

But the black hole swallows it all 

 Eighteen years of writer's block 

This is not how I wanted the resolution to come 

Thought that poetry was just 

 Some angsty teenaged bullshit 

But now the words flow freely 

 Eighteens years of pent up sorrow 

Rage, aggression, confusion, loss 

Loneliness 

 Questioning my existence every second 

Of every day, of every week 

Of every month and year 

Why am I even here? 

What is my purpose? 

 Do I lift people up, just to stumble and fall 

Constantly 

Consistently 

 When the puzzle pieces seem to fall together 

One piece always ends up lost 

 I am lost and no compass can guide me home 

Eighteen years a wanderer 

Wondering why I'm here.

Today we met in person and it was such an incredible day. I would say it most definitely was a better day even than the times I met and hugged Jack, showed him the tattoo I got in his handwriting, being recognized at his PAX East panel this year, and getting numerous shout-outs during streams. Don’t get me wrong, Those memories involving Jack are up there amongst my favorites, but meeting someone in person who I’ve developed a really deep bond with makes them pale in comparison.

I’ll probably still lurk around on tumblr and like/reblog posts, but I’m at a loss of things to say and I don’t have it in me to set up my queue right now.

There’s something that has been wriggling just beneath the surface that has been bugging me and, well, I just need to get it out there I guess.

I have been incredibly lucky and blessed to have had multiple interactions with Seán, especially seeing as I an incapable of contributing to the community artistically. Not nearly as much as a lot of active people, but maybe just slightly more than is considered “normal” - idk. I used to happily share my stories until I was essentially shamed for them. Many people started to misinterpret my intentions of being that of someone who thought herself better than most others. The altercations got so bad that I found myself pulling away.

Now I’m in a sort of limbo where I feel like I just need to accept that my time has passed and I’ve gotten more than I deserved so I should shut my mouth and just fade into the background. This ties in a lot to the whole idea that all I do here is shitpost when I’m not reblogging someone else’s talent and hard work.

I don’t want to leave this community - not by a long shot, but I can’t shake the feeling I have deep down that I’m unwelcome and it’s led to me being rather uncomfortable.

All of this is compounded by the fact that I am, once again, in a dire situation financially because, once again, my chronic pain has become enough of an issue that I am out of work on unpaid medical leave. I donated to the stream today, but not nearly as much as I usually do/would have liked to. Quite honestly, due to some of the treatment I received, I feel like I shouldn’t donate because most people have incorrectly taken it as me basically paying to try to get attention. In fact, I couldn’t bring myself to watch most of the stream because I felt guilty.

I’m just feeling really down and like an outcast and that everyone would just rather I go away - which is kind of why I’ve started pulling back on here and ‘fading into the shadows’ so to speak.