Eve :)

Mention of eating disorders

I’m upset that I’ve wasted what was supposed to be the best years of my life being miserable, hoping it will get better. I’ll never get those back, things will only get worse and I’ve blown it.

I always hoped that I wouldn’t be so obsessed with appearance and weight and wouldn’t be scrolling through Tumblr and Twitter and other social media platforms looking at thinspo like I was at age 11. I never thought that at almost age 18, I would be doing the exact the same. I’m angry that no one ever cared. I’m angry that I was denied treatment time and time again despite always winding up in hospital because I didn’t look sick and because my blood were in a ‘satisfactory range’ I’m upset that my weight matches what it was when I was 10 and that I can still fit into my clothes that I’ve had since I was a kid. I hate everyone who would tell me that my body is goals, knowing full well I was struggling and that I am sick. What the fuck is goals about being the weight of a ten year old child when I’m now almost classed as an adult? What the fuck is goals about vomit seeping through from my lips, ulcers in my mouth, rotting teeth, burnt skin, shaking over the toilet?

It’s not as beautiful as I imagined it would be. It’s not as beautiful as I wish it had turned out.

It’s ugly