Everyday Changes

Long time, no see, everyone! I hope you are all doing well. I've had two major victories this month:

-I sold my first piece of art to one of my friend's mom. The artwork I created was for all community artists to enter and the artworks will be made into banners to decorate Main St. All of the proceeds went to the Main Street Association, but dang it feels good to know that my artwork is liked by others, not just my peers and internet friends, haha.

-Me and a friend were just approved for an apartment in the town I will be attending college in, hooray!

I can't believe it took two months to find a bus route to that place.

Called that youth centre again to check up on the last call 3 weeks ago. Asked for information regarding criminal record checks, because there was some confusion regarding that(you need a criminal record check to volunteer in Ontario, but you need to be a confirmed volunteer to get a criminal record check.)

They said they'd send me a volunteer signup thingy by e-mail. So... yay! I guess...

I've actually had several, but they're all health related, so I'll put it here!

1) I've gotten a full time job with insurance. This is important because it'll alleviate financial stress and anxiety for the 'what-ifs' and means I can start skating roller derby again, which is great for my health and overall well-being. 

2) I'm taking my work's office push up challenge for on the hour, every hour push ups. This is important because I'm challenging myself to be a better person and develop healthy habits.

3) I've taken the batteries out of my scale and have given my partner permission to make it disappear if I put them back in. This is important because when I'm anxious, I become more self-critical. Everyone's new year resolution & dieting talk puts that at a greater risk. My goal is for overall health, not achieving a number.

4) I've signed up for a three-week course in belly dancing. Again, regular exercise is important for stress management. I'm also undertaking a small step in viewing myself as a beautiful person. I've also not bitten off more than I can chew - three weeks is far more manageable than a year long gym membership.

Happy New Year to everyone! I hope your holidays were as fun as mine! I have been awfully busy with the holidays so I haven't been near a computer much (except for at work). This is kind of a hodgepodge of victories over the past couple of weeks:

The weekend before Christmas I had a serious conversation with my parent's about when I will transfer to Stout this year and moving out of the house. My parent's were both very understanding, but my father has this way of holding a serious conversation in such a sarcastic tone that it felt like he was doubting my ability to take charge of my life.

After a rather snaky remark from my dad, I walked out of the room so I would not say something I would later regret. But instead of not dealing with how his words angered me, I sent him a text message about why his tone of voice and words made me feel like he was belittling me. I am more capable of writing out my feelings in an appropriate manner than coming up with them on the spot in a conversation. He texted me back about how he did not mean to upset me (without saying "sorry", naturally), but it felt good to know that he was listening.

This is a victory because I am becoming more capable of talking about serous life choices with my parents rather than dealing with them on my own.

I've been keeping a to-do list every week and crossing off things I've completed without getting upset about what I have not completed. This is a good thing because usually I stew over what I have not accomplished in the week and overlook what I have done well.

I've been cleaning my room, organising, reading, and drawing this weekend. It feels good to have time to accomplish things around the house so I will not be distracted by the constant mess that it usually is.

First off, I want to wish everyone a happy new year! I hope things are doing well with you guys and that life is treating you alright.

I've been away for the past few days, looking for apartments in Oakland to start my new life. Unfortunately not only for finding apartments but for my goal, I allowed my father to dictate what I'm doing with my life and I ended up walking out of Oakland without any apartment. Standing up to my father and accepting that I am an adult that should have control over my own life is something I need to work towards.

But! I still have had little victories despite what setbacks I might have.

I had a long talk with my mom about my personality and my dad's abusive nature. It helped to talk about it with my mom, not only because it was a bonding situation with someone I am emotionally distant to as a result of the abuse cycle (she always took dad's side), but it helped me better understand myself and my own tendencies.

Every bit of understanding I gain about myself is a step towards fixing what problems I have.

Today (or really, yesterday, now) I was at work and pretty much every one decided to call out except me and one other guy. So I was a little irritated at that. However, my girlfriend and I were unable to speak on the phone during my break. The victory is that, rather than getting upset and overcoming it, I wasn't upset at all.

Today, I recognized that I was beginning to spiral in my anxiety and committed an act of altruism for a complete stranger. And it felt awesome.

This was totally from yesterday, but I've only just now had time to post.

This is actually for yesterday, but I was too tired to post it.

I could feel a mood swing coming on after work, which really sucks. I snapped at my roommate over something really stupid and could feel I was in a bad mood. I apologized once I realized what was going on. Instead of stewing in it, I ate something, smoked a little (I use medical marijuana), and took a short nap. I felt a lot better afterwards, and I'm feeling pretty good today.

I took a bit of a break from posting because of the holidays, but I've been working towards my goal slowly but surely.

As of today, I've been taking my pills for more than 2 weeks without missing any days, I've been calling property managers in hopes of finding an apartment in the Oakland area, and I opened a new bank account separate from my parents'. I've also talked to my girlfriend about our problems, and we've scheduled further mediation, and I am looking over worksheets given to me by our mediator that will help me understand and combat irrational thoughts and teach me how to express myself properly in arguments.

This is all very important stuff to me. I have really started to adjust now that I've been taking my pills regularly, and I've been a lot calmer and able to cope. My depression is slowly becoming more under control the longer I keep this up. Calling property managers to move is not only a sign of me facing my fears of judgment, but it's a step towards me moving away from the abusive atmosphere that bred a lot of my bad behaviors. Opening up my own bank account separate from my parents cuts off another way they have been controlling me, which is also a helpful step towards escaping the abuse.

The mediation is incredibly important towards my interpersonal relationships and how I deal with my anger and my abusive tendencies. And the papers teaching me techniques is incredibly important in that respect too.

I am excited. I feel like I am heading in a good direction.

It doesn't seem like much to others, but I am having a really amazing Christmas. My good mood never stays around this long when I have time off. The lack of work routine usually throws my brain into a tizzy, and I end up having mood swings. Thanks bipolar. But anyway, I haven't been this happy in ages.

This is important to me because it's the first really solid piece of evidence I have that shows my medicine and time with my therapist are working. It's very encouraging! I hope more of my holidays are like this without any drastic bipolar swings.

I hope that your holidays are going great, and that you're keeping up your journeys towards betterment. The New Year is coming up--I know I rag on New Years Resolutions as things that no one keeps to, that seem more of an obligation than an actual attempt towards making your life better, but maybe we can change that this year.

Today I had an earnest talk with my girlfriend, where we discussed not only how much we loved each other, but how we were going to deal with what problems we had and what we need to improve on to pave the way for healthy communication and a healthy future. 

Today I had a very amazing experience. I was at Winco buying some stocking stuffers and rat food ingredients. While I was in line, the older woman in front of me kept trying to use her debit card, and it wouldn't go through. She looked very upset, so I stepped in and paid for her groceries. She was shocked, and then started to cry. She gave me a big hug and told me that her husband has cancer, they live on a fixed income, and this was the food for their Christmas dinner. I almost cried myself.

Happy end of days people. This little victory might have to include an extra-long explanation, because I'm not sure people will quite understand why it's important to me.

Today, I decided to renounce John Lennon as my number one personal hero.

I still admire him a lot, I still think he was one of the greatest song writers of all time, I still consider him as someone I look up to creatively. But I feel like my constantly naming him as my hero, jokingly saying "IamJohn Lennon," and pointing out our similarities gives me a subconscious excuse to continue some of my bad behaviors.

I know it sounds strange. But, I've talked to my mother about this, and she talks about how while drawing comparisons between myself and others can work in a positive way, there is also a negative side effect that I'm prone to. I try to become more like the person I draw comparisons to, whether consciously or subconsciously. While this may be good in some respects (I may become more musically creative, I might become more ambitious, I MIGHT LIKE PEACE MORE, WHO KNOWS), there are certain personalities with aspects that I take on that are a lot less healthy.

John Lennon was abusive and angry, didn't communicate with people well, was manipulative, and didn't learn to apologize and open up about his feelings until much later on in his life. I have used him as an excuse before. "I'm an asshole, just like John Lennon"--"I know I can be mean sometimes, but I can also be really nice! It's the contradictory side of me, just like John Lennon"--"I am like John Lennon," she thought grimly, while screaming at her girlfriend for no reason apart from jealousy that she's too proud to admit to aloud.

Maybe I will take him up as a personal hero sometime when I'm older and I feel like I've leveled out my problems, and I can admire him as someone who changed himself, like I will have to. But right now I'm using him as an excuse. I still like him, and I will look at his later transformation as something to look towards myself, but I need to change before he did--I want to change before I alienate people, and lose the person I love, and hurt as many people as he ended up hurting before he learned his lesson. 

So, for now, I'm sorry, John. But getting rid of negative role models is important for me to look into myself and move on.