obsessed and depressed ✨️✨️✨️

when they were kids, sirius and regulus were really close. like, stupidly close. reg idolized sirius and sirius wanted to protect his little brother at all costs. they were each other’s favourite person and were always together. they had an age gap of roughly one and a half years, with sirius being born early november ’59 and regulus being born in late may ’61. while they were close as children, it was also obvious that they were completely different people. sirius was extroverted, loud, rebellious, self-confident, loved attention and would always speak up if something wasn’t to his liking, he didn’t mince his words. regulus on the other hand was more the quiet, reserved type; he was introverted, almost but not quite shy, unwilling to step out of his comfort zone, had a fear of disappointing other people and shied away from confrontations. he wasn’t self-conscious but he also wasn’t as self-confident as sirius was. both of them however, could be quite vicious and cruel with their words if they wanted to be. that was something they learned from both their mother and their cousin bellatrix.

regarding their relationships with their family, while i do think that walburga and orion black were abusive, i’m not entirely certain how severe that abuse actually was. definitely not as abusive as some people make it out to be, like regularly using the cruciatus curse on the kids or something like this, but some kind of abuse was there. i also think that the black parents definitely preferred sirius to regulus. sirius was the older one, the clever and self-confident child, the perfect heir to the black family. regulus knew of this but it didn’t really matter to him because he wasn’t interested in being heir in the first place. oftentimes people make narcissa regulus’ favourite cousin but i think in the early days it was bellatrix, who he liked most. he didn’t really get along that well with narcissa and andromeda because they both kinda saw him as a little kid who wasn’t worth their attention. bella on the other hand never treated him as anything lesser because of his age which is why he liked her best. but another crucial point and reason why reg adored bella was the simple fact that she was a lot like sirius. and seeing as sirius was always regulus’ favourite, he felt most comfortable with bellatrix because she was so much like sirius.

and then came hogwarts. when sirius went to hogwarts he would write a lot of letters to reg but they gradually became less and less over the course of the year. one name that was very frequent in all of the letters reg received from his brother was james potter. sirius talked a lot about james potter. so much so that regulus started to get annoyed by it. this only got worse by the time sirius came back for the holidays because the only thing he would talk about was his best friend james, james this and james that. regulus loathed james potter before he had ever met him.

the sorting however, is kinda complicated. let’s talk about sirius first. while walburga and orion were obviously outraged at his sorting i think, behind closed doors and never ever to his face, walburga was actually sorta proud of sirius for doing something no one in their family had ever done before. she saw it as him, a black, quote-unquote ‘conquering’ the gryffindor house. but she was still very much against it because it wasn’t slytherin and so those two sides were constantly warring with each other. she, however, made it very clear to regulus that there was no way he was going to be sorted anywhere but slytherin, she would let one non-slytherin kid slide, but there was hell to pay for him if he wasn’t sorted according to her wishes. i think with sirius, gryffindor was definitely his true house but i read a fic once where his true house was actually slytherin but he made the hat sort him into gryffindor as an act of rebellion. i immensely enjoy this idea but in the end i decided against incorporating it in my own headcanon because i think sirius fits better with gryffindor than slytherin. i still think he could’ve made slytherin work if he wanted to, but gryffindor was where he belonged. now, regulus’ sorting. his sorting is less complicated i think. for him there was never really a question to begin with. he always knew he was going to go to slytherin. simply because that was the way to go to not disappoint his parents and disappointing his parents wasn’t something he could take. i like the idea of a ravenclaw regulus so i think the hat would’ve wanted him there but regulus was enough of a slytherin so that the hat sent him there without needing much convincing.

the sorting is also what kinda caused their relationship to rapidly deteriorate. cracks had already started to form during the one year sirius spent alone at hogwarts but after regulus got sorted is when it really fell apart. i think regulus himself didn’t have that much of a problem with sirius being sorted into gryffindor. he may not have liked it, but it didn’t make sirius any less of a pure-blood, less of a black. so when sirius was so incredibly disappointed with regulus’ own sorting he didn’t understand it and felt betrayed by his brother. it didn’t help that james was always around and regulus refused to have anything to do with him at all so their relationship slowly got worse until they eventually just stopped talking. of course, it wasn’t just the sorting and all that, it was also regulus’ views on muggle-born’s and the dark lord, which were more aligned with their parents’ views than sirius’ own. which is something sirius couldn’t accept but since regulus was unwilling to change his mind, their interactions became less and less. this is also when he got close to narcissa. cissy is born in ’55 which makes her six years older than reg. which means, depending on when she was born, she was either in sixth or seventh year when regulus started hogwarts. since she was his only cousin still at hogwarts and since sirius was a gryffindor, she took him under her wing and the two sort of became friends. she was a lot like him, also being quiet and reserved and not liking conflict, so he liked spending time with her. i don’t think he had a lot of friends, i think of him more as a loner. there are barty crouch jr. and evan rosier who people often hc as his friends and while i certainly think that’s possible, i still think he didn’t really hang out with a lot of people. he spent most of his time in the library because he really enjoyed magic and all the things there were to learn about it.

snape is also something i’d like to talk about real quick. i’ve seen different opinions on his relationship with reg everywhere on the internet but i personally think their relationship was one of mutual disinterest, bordering on dislike on snape’s side. i think there is no way for snape to actually somewhat like reg. look at how much he loathed harry for being james’ son. he’d hate reg on principle for being sirius’ brother. so no, they weren’t friends. the lupin thing comes next. i’ve read a fic once where everyone in slytherin knew remus was a werewolf which i thought was a bit farfetched. i like the idea of reg knowing about it and i think a case can be made for it. even though reg liked to pretend otherwise, he did care about sirius so he would oftentimes scrutinise the things the marauders did and so he would eventually find out about remus being a werewolf. it didn’t really endear remus to him, but nothing could trump his dislike of james. the pranks the marauders pulled also didn’t help with his opinion on them. and even though he hated their behaviour he could never quite manage to completely hate sirius because sirius was still his brother. so he started to blame james instead and held him accountable for everything that, in regulus’ opinion, went wrong with sirius, because it was a lot easier to hate james than to hate his brother.

regulus’ grades were never bad, but they were also never as good as sirius’. everything came easy to sirius, while regulus had to work hard to get good grades. and as much as he might try, he was never as good as sirius, which greatly frustrated him. he started to feel inferior to sirius somewhere around his third or fourth year because it felt like it all just didn’t matter in his parents eyes, he could never be as good as sirius. even though sirius was a gryffindor and rude and rebellious and not the heir his parents wanted. and because he and sirius weren’t close anymore, his parents and their opinion was the only thing he had left. one of the only things that he had and where he genuinely felt it was his own, was quidditch. a lot of people make sirius into a quidditch player as well, mostly a beater, but i think he didn’t play. quidditch was always regulus’ thing and he started to play as a seeker for the slytherin team somewhere between his third and fourth year.

now sirius’ fifth year and regulus’ forth year, the school year of 1975-1976 begins. a lot of stuff happened in that year for sirius, but regulus was less affected. first comes the prank. and while i really want regulus to know about it, purely for the angst and disappointment, i just don’t see a way for him to actually know. (to explain why i want him to know, while reg doesn’t like sirius’ friends it is obvious that sirius cares about them, and since reg hasn’t completely managed to get rid of his idolization of his brother from their childhood, even though he usually ignores it until it goes away, it would devastate him to find out that sirius would betray his friend like that.) as i said, i just don’t think it’s feasible for him to know. like, i want him to. but how? it’s not like snape is gonna tell him. and i don’t think sirius, remus or james are so keen on telling him about it either. so how would he know? there is no way for him to know and as much as i want otherwise, this is how it’s gotta be. he doesn’t know and he never finds out about it. the next major thing that happens is snape’s worst memory at the end of the school year. and for that, regulus simply wasn’t present. he was at the library and heard about it later and since he isn’t close with snape i don’t see him having such a big problem about it.

during the summer between regulus’ fourth and fifth year is when it gets juicy. this is the summer when sirius runs away to the potters. i’ve thought a lot about this and how i wanted to do it. i like the dramatic route where regulus basically makes sirius go without him because he knows that sirius is absolutely miserable here at home. but i just don’t really think that fits. i went with what i think could be the most realistic route according to what we know from canon, sprinkled in is of course some self-indulgence because i couldn’t help myself. sue me, i don’t care. so, it’s summer, everything is as it always is. sirius has some kind of argument with walburga and it gets very heated. when he leaves and goes upstairs he vents about his mum and how horrible everything is. he happens upon regulus who’s currently on the way back to his room and overhears him vent. regulus, who in this moment really cannot stand his brother, maybe they also had an argument beforehand, maybe something else happened or maybe it was just suddenly too much for him, kinda explodes. he gets really angry at sirius and tells him something along the lines of ‘if it’s really this awful, why don’t you just fucking leave?’, and sirius stands there, dumbstruck, while regulus goes back to his room. and sirius thinks, why don’t i? and he just can’t seem to get rid of the idea to leave and he doesn’t feel like there is anything left for him there, so eventually he packs his bags and leaves. and just like that, he is gone.

this is obviously not what regulus intended when he said that to him and now he doesn’t know how to feel. part of him thinks good riddance, another, smaller part, the one that knows that sirius despised their home, hopes that his brother is happier now and is glad that he is gone, but the largest part of him feels betrayed. he feels betrayed because sirius just left, because even though they haven’t been getting along these past few years, that doesn’t change the fact that they are brothers and that has to mean something, right? right? he also feels betrayed, because sirius didn’t even talk to him, he didn’t say goodbye and he didn’t ask regulus if he wanted to come with him. regulus knows he probably wouldn’t have wanted to come but he would’ve appreciated it if his brother had at least given him a choice. because he doesn’t want to deal with these thoughts and feelings he mostly represses them and refuses to think about them. (okay, so in case you hadn’t noticed, the self-indulgent part is when i make reg be the one to give sirius the idea to run away because just imagine him having to realise that sirius ran away because he basically told him to. imagine the pain and guilt and betrayal that it’s going to make him feel. such joy. am i evil? no, i just love to hurt my favourite characters a little. hurt/no comfort at its finest. and really, canon sirius & regulus are a fucking gold mine for hurt/no comfort. i just really have a thing for complex sibling dynamics full of hurt, angst, betrayal and love. i’m not really into romantic ships all that much anymore and sirius & regulus are just like catnip to me. ah, i love them. but, i digress, back to the text.) then there is of course walburga and orion to talk about, because i don’t think they would’ve just let sirius go without a fight. they are a witch and wizard and sirius’ parents, there surely is a way for them to get him back, by force if necessary. so regulus goes and convinces them that it’s better to let sirius go. he would never agree with them and fight them every step of the way and regulus knows he isn’t their first choice but isn’t it better than trying and failing with sirius? eventually, they reluctantly agree but walburga threatens him to never ever step out of line. the whole sirius debacle has severely damaged their reputation with the other pure-blood families already and they cannot afford for it to get any worse than it already is.

then regulus’ fifth and sirius’ sixth school year starts. and sirius had somewhat of a change of heart during the rest of the summer and feels a bit guilty for not talking to regulus before he left. so now he wants to speak with him. but regulus doesn’t want to speak to sirius. he still feels betrayed but he also feels like sirius should be thankful to him because he convinced their parents to let sirius go and an even smaller part hopes that sirius is happy. but regulus bottles all that up and ignores it and when they eventually do speak to each other he is an ass. they have a big argument and nearly start cursing each other and at the end of the argument sirius says something along the lines of, ‘james is a better brother to me than you ever were’, and that deeply hurts regulus and sirius kinda immediately regrets it but he can’t take it back now that it’s out there and regulus leaves him standing there and from then on doesn’t allow them to ever talk again. a few days later james corners him because he thinks regulus said or did something since sirius has been really sad for a few days and reg basically tells him to, ‘fuck off, you already stole my brother from me, what more do you want?’, and that’s really the end of it. this is the only time james and regulus ever talk to each other and afterwards regulus hates james even more.

something else, that regulus is kinda proud of because his brother never managed it, is the fact that he makes prefect. there is only really one reason i made him a prefect though and that’s because i wanted him to have some kind of relationship, connection or whatever with lily. i wanted regulus black and lily evans to know each other and the most likely way for that to happen is for reg to be a prefect. lily is a prefect as well and they get assigned some patrols together. and at first he’s really against it because she’s like a muggle-born and all that and i know, i’ve mostly been avoiding all that until now but it really wasn’t relevant. because he simply never really interacted with other people a lot. he spends most of his time in the library and while he certainly has some blood supremacy views he’s kept them mostly to himself since he doesn’t really interact with other people outside of slytherin all that much. lily evans is kinda the first time he’s really been confronted with a muggle-born and while he doesn’t like her because of it he is also perfectly courteous towards her because he doesn’t see a point in being rude. he isn’t stupid and he knows she is a brilliant witch who’d probably be able to kick his ass, so he doesn’t really want to be on her bad side. over time however, he starts to get used to it and begins to actually somewhat enjoy their conversations because she’s witty and clever and he finds himself liking her to his utter horror. he develops a similar attitude towards her that snape had during most of their friendship (minus the crush), in that he still retains his blood supremacist views but starts to think that lily might be the exemption to the rule. other muggle-born magicals might be bad but she isn’t. he of course would never talk to her with other slytherins present but alone, just the two of them, they can have a nice polite conversation. and even though he doesn’t notice it really, talking to lily actually starts changing his perception of muggle-born’s a little bit. it’s not enough however, because at the same time talks about the dark lord become more frequent and he gets more and more fascinated.

regulus is now sixteen and summer holidays come around. he learns more about the dark lord and starts hanging up paper clippings in his bedroom. he’s really into the whole thing. when school starts again, he still occasionally goes on patrol with lily, but she and james are now together, which kinda sours his opinion of her since he still despises james. and then christmas holiday rolls around, and that is when he finally gets to join the dark lord and his cause. his once favourite cousin bella somehow caught wind of his admiration of the dark lord’s cause and pulled some strings which allow reg to join earlier than is common. he is still only sixteen which means the trace is applied to his wand, meaning he can’t really do much for the dark lord’s cause. he’s also still at school so he’s severely hampered in what he can do for the dark lord. regulus feels like he should be doing more but it’s not like he can change his age and make himself grow up faster. he eventually accepts his place and becomes responsible for spying at hogwarts to the best of his abilities and also starts researching things like obscure spells and rituals for the dark lord, who notices his passion for all things magic. he goes back to school and ends his non-friendship with lily, both in an effort to protect himself from the dark lord’s wrath and to protect her as well although he refuses to admit that to himself.

regulus may have joined the death eaters now, but he still hasn’t entirely grasped the reality of what it means to be one himself. that, however, changes, when he turns seventeen and, during the summer holidays, joins a raid. he witnesses his fellow death eaters kill, maim and torture with pleasure and it makes him sick. he manages to avoid most of the raids during the summer holidays by claiming to want to study to get the best grades possible to be of as much use to the dark lord as possible. the dark lord also prefers to have him research things for him, mostly in the extensive black library, which regulus has navigated since he was a child and which is protected from interference through people not of the black family. but regulus cannot avoid all raids and during one of them he accidentally kills a man when he burns his house down, thinking nobody was in the house any longer. this deeply traumatizes him and when he goes back to hogwarts for his seventh year he becomes very reclusive. he is still knee deep in denial though and tells himself he should get stronger and to learn to stomach all of the things that are happening. he buries himself in prefect duties and studying and all in all has a pretty miserable time. and like, this is it. he’s in his seventh year now. it’s 1978 and he’s gonna die in 1979. and i have this idea, which i really like, which is, that he dies on the day that lily and james tell sirius that they are expecting a child. like, nobody would ever know that that was the day he died but it’s really tragic in my opinion. so, yeah. but we’re not there just yet.

and then the christmas holidays happen. and that’s it, the beginning of the end. for regulus. i feel like there definitely would be a lot of research involved for reg to find out about the horcrux because i don’t think voldy would have told kreacher everything about it. and i haven’t talked about kreacher at all yet, i know, so here we are. after sirius left, aside from his parents, kreacher was the only one reg had left so i feel he got even more attached to him. when they were kids, walburga would usually take care of sirius because he was the heir, while she left reg in kreacher’s care, which is why they became so close. but still, their relationship was never an equal one, and as much as they may have loved each other, kreacher was still a servant to the black family who, above all, had to listen to walburga black. so, back to voldy and his horcruxes. when the dark lord asked for a house elf reg volunteered kreacher, because he didn’t really think anything would happen to him. yes, the dark lord was cruel to muggles and muggle-born’s but they deserved it, it wasn’t like kreacher had ever done anything except serve. but then, when kreacher, on regulus’ orders, finally returned, regulus had to realise that the dark lord didn’t care at all. it was this, an attack on his beloved elf, what finally opened regulus’ eyes. he had told himself that it was alright and that it was okay and that it was right, but he could no longer believe in it. regulus had witnessed the dark lord torture some of his own followers and had told himself they were just rightfully being punished but after seeing what had happened to kreacher he couldn’t deceive himself any longer. he thought about brilliant and kind lily evans and that it was all wrong. he thought about his brother who had been right all along. and he thought about kreacher who had never done anything wrong in his life. he, however, decided to give the dark lord one last chance to kinda quote-unquote ‘redeem’ himself, at least in regulus’ eyes. regulus’ last hope is, that whatever the dark lord did that left kreacher so injured, was important enough to make it right, although in his heart he knows that this is not the case.

so, after acquiring all possible information from kreacher, he spends the rest of the school year researching. he’s immensely overworked because at the same time he also has to study for his exams but somehow he manages it all. i don’t see him figuring the horcruxes out at hogwarts with only the hogwarts library at hand but i’m toying with the idea of having him find out the dark lord’s real identity. i kind of like that. once he’s back home after the exams he finally has a break through and figures out that what riddle hid was a horcrux. and i’m of the opinion, that the word horcrux isn’t entirely new to him. like, he’s part of the black family. they are as dark as they come. i’m sure he’s already heard about horcruxes before. and not even the blacks are mad enough to mess with soul magic. so yeah, regulus is not impressed with the dark lord. like, not at all. the idea of one horcrux is already ludicrous enough so i don’t know if he should be thinking that there could be more of them. but on the other hand, maybe he suspected there could potentially be more but since he had no idea where to even start looking for them and only knew the definite location of the one and didn’t see another way for this to go down and him surviving since there was no way in hell he would let kreacher die. and he also couldn’t ask anyone else because he wasn’t sure sirius would actually trust him since it had been like three years since they’d last talked and he also didn’t want to get his brother in danger.

anyway, after finally figuring out the horcrux during the summer, this leaves reggie shocked. he doesn’t know what to do. he kinda by now low-key wants the light side to win but he now realises that they can never win, because the dark lord made a freaking horcrux. he can’t be defeated. and regulus really wants to talk to sirius now because sirius is his big brother but there is no way this is happening. he just can’t. he’s scared that sirius doesn’t believe him but he is also scared that he does and he just doesn’t know what to do. the only thing regulus knows is that the horcrux needs to be destroyed. he thinks about running away. he’d kinda really like to run away. but then he has to think about sirius and about lily evans who are both fighting this war on the right side and he feels guilty. and he thinks about kreacher who was hurt by the dark lord’s actions. and so he makes a decision. he decides to retrieve the horcrux. he doesn’t really care about a lot of people but he feels guilty about the things he has done and so the decision to steal the horcrux is made because he wants to do something right and good for once, but he also does it for kreacher, for sirius and for lily evans. he wants revenge for kreacher and he wants sirius, and to a lesser degree lily, to live in a world free of the dark lord. and for that to happen the horcrux needs to be destroyed. so he makes his plan.

harry was born at the end of july ’80, meaning he was conceived late september ’79. i don’t really know when people tell their close friends that they are expecting a child? but since the war was going on and there were maybe missions i think it’s fair to say they might not have been able to tell him immediately. so they told their friends they were expecting a child in between late-november and early-december in my opinion. and the day they finally told sirius was also, coincidentally, the day regulus chose to go to the cave and willingly walked to his own death.

so, that’s it. okay, not quite. something else i wanted to say, i once read a really interesting tumblr post that proposed the idea that regulus didn’t actually die in that cave because voldy wouldn’t want to immediately kill whoever tried to steal his horcrux. he’d want to incapacitate them and eventually interrogate them and then kill them himself. so… reg might still be alive in something like a stasis charm down on the bottom of the lake, sleeping, waiting to be found. okay, now i’ve made myself sad.

something that didn’t really fit anywhere chronologically but is still a headcanon of mine and i wanted to mention it since it involves sirius and regulus. so, when lily married james her name changed from lily evans to lily potter. i like to think, that occasionally, sirius would still call her evans and it was his nickname for her. he also called her lily and lils more often than not but occasionally he’d call her evans. and if regulus were to ever accidentally meet her after she had gotten married, he’d also call her evans. he doesn’t even know his brother does it. regulus would just do it automatically because he’d refuse to call her potter since he kinda loathes james but he also somewhat likes lily but he also wouldn’t call her by her first name, so evans it is. and this would remind lily of sirius of course and she’d think it’s cute that they have this similarity. and also, when she gets together with james and starts to learn a bit more about sirius she’d notice a lot of similarities between him and reg. she kinda was somewhat non-friends with reg for a year after all. and it would make her sad.

in the beginning they disliked each other. nick may have even hated troy because of what he did to luciana and that's okay, he had every right to. i think troy disliked nick because he wasn't with his family and for troy the ranch and his family were everything for him. so the thought that nick had left his family on his own volition was very alien to troy. it's not something he would've ever done so he judged and disliked nick because of it and didn't want him on the ranch.

but even though nick heavily disliked troy, he didn't kill him. he had two chances to do so and in the second situation he could've actually gotten away with it but he still didn't kill troy. and troy wasn't even mad at nick for threatening him. he just took it in stride like it was a normal tuesday, he even encouraged nick to do it and later on said that they now could be friends after nick destroyed his notebook. i think that was some kind of turning point for both of them but more so for troy. he didn't necessarily start to like nick after that but his opinion about him wasn't as negative as it was before. nick on the other hand started to tolerate troy a little more after that. he still probably disliked him and thought he was rather dangerous but he wasn't as averse to him as before.

then luciana left and nick stayed. shortly afterwards nick and troy have this little talk down in the pantry and troy tells nick "it's just good you didn't take off after her", and i really loved it when he said that. i think he was being genuine and it shows that he has come to accept nick as part of the community. he doesn't necessarily like him but he accepts him. nick on the other hand is still a little defensive and wary of troy. it shows at the end of the episode when madison tells everyone that walker killed the trimbols and nick confronts her afterwards and tells her not to forget what troy is.

in the next episode while alicia is with walker, nick joins the militia. troy asks nick if he's got permission from madison which shows that he still doesn't really like nick. he accepts him but doesn't seem to want to be around him more than he has to. nick later tells madison that part of the reason he joined the militia is to keep troy, an enemy, close, although madison doesn't completely believe him. later in the episode comes one of my favourite scenes when troy asks nick "you feeling blue, nicky?", he then tells nick to "go kamikaze another day", which to me shows that he genuinely doesn't want nick dead. i don't particularly know why he didn't want nick to die at that moment but i don't think it was for madison's sake as he couldn't have cared less for nick at the beginning even though he is madison's son, whom he seemed to like almost instantly.

nick and troy are now in the militia together and do some bonding, like the poet talk or when they share their experiences and feelings about their father's deaths. around that time somewhere was a turning point for nick when he realized that he didn't actually want troy to die or maybe started caring for him in some capacity. he actually contemplated telling troy that he was the one that killed jeremiah even though madison thinks that troy would kill him for that but nick's not so sure. then comes the highlight of the episode when troy refuses to give up his weapons and nick actually stays back with him. he could've gone out with the others but he stays inside with troy because he wants to. he chooses to do so. because he knows troy, he knows that this will end bloody but he doesn't want that, he doesn't want troy to die. he himself even almost dies because of it when crazy dog gets the drop on him but troy is there and saves him although he gets hurt in the process. he doesn't want nick to die either which we already saw as he didn't want to shoot nick when he was standing between him and the rest and asked him to get out of the way. although troy doesn't want nick dead he still doesn't seem to have realized that nick cares about him as he asks nick why he would care what happens to him. furthermore it comes as a surprise to troy that nick stays with him and he tells him as much but also thanks him for keeping him company. nick then tries everything to get troy to back off, he even tells troy that he doesn't want him to die but troy doesn't listen. only when he confesses that jeremiah didn't commit suicide but that he actually killed him troy finally backs off. and he doesn't seem to be angry at nick.

i think that for troy the thought that his dad would commit suicide and leave them all behind was unbearable. he just couldn't accept it and that's why hearing nick's confession was such a relief for him and made him stop. doesn't matter that nick killed him because he at least didn't kill himself as that's not something that jeremiah would ever do and it's also not something that troy can live with.

now that troy knows that nick killed jeremiah i think he starts to see him in a new light. he later accuses madison for not being the one to kill his father but to let her son do the job and feels like she wronged him somehow by not killing his father. he thought she was like him but now he's not so sure about her anymore and seems to divert his attention even more towards nick. also something worth mentioning is that other than at the beginning troy never tried to kill nick again while he did contemplate killing madison after her cruel words about his mother.

up next comes something that i really can't wrap my head around, which is nick's hallucination of troy. how did his subconscious come up with troy of all people? why did he hallucinate that troy saved him? why? i don't understand. i love the hallucination and i love the fact that he hallucinated troy but i still don't really get why. maybe it's supposed to show us that nick feels safe around troy or that he trusts that troy would save him if he had the chance?

troy's now gone from the ranch but nick still seems to worry about him and alicia calls him out on it. she tells him that he doesn't owe troy anything but likes him and nick never refutes that. alicia also says that they "share the same self-destruction", to which nick replies "maybe i'm as sick as he is", and i love that. he admits that he thinks they might be similar and for me this whole talk just again proves that nick really does care about troy. what makes the whole talk even better is that not even five minutes later troy shows up at nick's to warn him from the horde. he was exiled but he sneaks back in just to warn nick of something that he himself is responsible for. he still doesn't seem to believe that nick cares about him though because when nick says, "it's good you're alive", he answers with "i don't think you believe that". and that's just sad. that after everything nick's done for him troy still can't believe that nick cares about him. what i also love is when troy says, "but you saved me in your own way", and that he'd like to return the favour. i'm not entirely sure what troy means here though. does he mean that nick stopped him from going kamikaze and saved his life or does he mean something different? if he'd simply told nick that nick saved him then i'd have an easier time believing it but he also says "in your own way", and i can't wrap my head around that. it just feels like he means something else with that than just nick saving his life.

another thing about their nightly talk that i love is that nick doesn't even think to rat troy out, not for a second. he says he can hide him or he has to sneak out, these are the only options.

the next day nick and jake then go out together to search for troy and find out what he meant with his warning. on the road jake's intentions regarding his brother are made clear when he takes out his gun and tells nick the story about the rabbit. when they finally reach troy nick again tries to talk him down but to no avail. troy doesn't plan on surviving this one and nothing nick could say can change that. jake then finally attacks troy and nearly kills him but is stopped by nick which results in jake's death. again, nick stands by troy and doesn't want him to die. even though troy just led the horde towards the ranch and literally destroyed everything that they had built there and nick knows it. but he still can't give up on troy and jake has to pay for it.

almost everything troy does from now on in my opinion he does for nick. nick wants him to help save the ranch so troy helps him. not because he wants to or cares about anyone there but because nick wants him to help. so he does. and those couple scenes really are everything. troy has fun doing what he does and nick has fun too. they're both being crazy together and they are loving it. when they are saved by madison, strand and walker nick covers for troy and lies about the horde. he knows that if he'd tell what had really happened someone would snap and troy would most likely end up dead and nick can't have that so he lies. even though a couple episodes back he wasn't happy with madison when she did the exact same thing when lying about the trimbols.

i also couldn't miss the fact that when alicia says everyone deserves to carve something out for themselves in this life troy and nick exchange a very quick glance. it could mean nothing but you can't deny that they looked at each other when she said that. and then when they have their talk in the car comes troy's most famous line: "all right, you stayed at the ranch because you love me." i think it's meant as a joke but again, nick doesn't refute troy's statement and they both just chuckle. like nick admitted to alicia that he and troy may be similar, troy says the same to nick now. and like before, nick doesn't say anything against it. it's not just troy who thinks like that, nick himself already came to the same conclusion.

at the bazaar we then come to some of the most bizarre scenes ever when nick and troy get high together. this is another thing that troy does just for nick. he doesn't really want to get high and seems to be rather uncomfortable at the beginning but he still does it because of nick. nick does have to remind him though that he saved troy's life but in the end troy does it for nick. again. surrounded by the infected nick then confesses to troy that he doesn't want to go back with madison and troy comforts him and hugs him. he hugs him! this scene as well as the couple ones before when they were staggering around together, arms slung around each other's shoulder, are everything. they are definitely friends by now, rather close ones actually, genuinely care for each other, and i really love the place that their relationship is at in that moment.

the next day nick then informs madison that he and troy plan to stay at the bazaar. we don't know troy's opinion on this but i think he only stayed there because of nick but i'll talk about this later on.

when troy hears that the proctors plan to attack the dam he is the one to yank nick out of his stupor. i'm not entirely sure if he wants to help madison for nick's sake or because he still kinda likes her. but it is worth mentioning that back when nick joined the militia troy asked nick: "is madison okay with this?", while now he tells nick "your mother's in trouble". back then he says 'madison' while he now says 'your mother' which kinda strikes me as odd. to say 'your mother' is more personal and it feels like troy acknowledges the fact that madison is nick's mother and that's why they should go and save her. so he might be doing this for nick's sake because even though nick doesn't want to stay with madison she's still his mother and he still loves her so troy might wanna save her for nick. still, i'm not entirely sure.

while nick is questioned by daniel troy tries to reconnect with madison, at least it seems to me like that's what he's doing. like i said before i think that troy only stayed at the bazaar because of nick. and here's the reason why: he tells madison that the bazaar wasn't a good place for him and nick. he probably already realized that after the first night because how could he not but he still decided to stay there, all because of nick. so again, he did that for nick. he then confirms to madison that he and nick are indeed friends and to troy they are actually closer than friends, like brothers, and that he genuinely likes nick. when troy asks madison if they're good she says they are but i didn't believe her, not for a second. she needed too long for her answer and was too quick in changing the topic. at the same time daniel questions nick and again, nick lies for troy and covers him. but this is a different situation, this is daniel. nick knows what daniel can do but he still lies to protect troy.

in the end it's all for nothing though because madison is the one that finally kills him after finding out that he was the one who led the horde to the ranch. nick did everything he could to protect troy and then madison, nick's mother, is the one to actually take troy's life. nick does look horrified when she does it but i feel like he could've been a little more shocked. he just looks horrified, turns around and walks out of the room, and after that i was a little disappointed in him for not showing more emotions. later when nick and madison are hiding he then starts arguing with her about it but the argument was more about the fact that madison can just callously kill someone and not necessarily about her having killed troy. although when madison says she killed him for her kids, she made that call for them, nick tells her "not for me!", and i really liked hearing him say that because he seemed angry but also sad and hurt so he's obviously not okay with what she did. later when john asks him about troy and he says that troy's dead and his mom killed him he also sounds a bit accusing which i also loved to hear. the way john asked, "is your friend here, nick?", i loved that as well. it again solidifies that nick and troy were friends because nick answers the question without refuting the statement and saying that they weren't friends or something like that. so at least troy and nick both acknowledged that they were friends.

but of course we also cannot forget nick's suicide note. i really love the fact that he called it his 'suicide note' because that was a reference all the way back to his talk with troy and the rest of the militia when troy didn't want him to go all kamikaze on them. i see it as nick kinda honouring his friendship with troy when he calls it his 'suicide note' because nobody knows the story behind it but it's obvious what it means. i've heard people say that now that troy's gone nick's all suicidal and troy's not there to stop him like he did before. but i'm not sure. you can certainly interpret it as that because nick does seem to be rather disillusioned and he's definitely still grieving troy. there is however no other option at the moment if he wants his mom and sister as well as strand to survive so i don't think he's just suicidal because troy's gone. to me it seems like he's accepted his fate and made his peace with the fact that he would die and i think it would've been a great end for nick if they'd actually let him die there.