Even the Devil is Afraid

Dinner was a delicious spread of your favorite foods: shawada clubb sandwiches, smoked kaadu ribs, meiloorun juice, starblossom fruit, and jogan fruit tart. It was the highlight of your weeks, you loved spending time with whoever came. Almost always, the council would rotate, making sure your ties were strong with each member. The permanent fixtures in these dinners, though, were Master Fisto, Master Windu, and Master Yoda. You chatted about how classes were going, how you were handling field missions when you were assigned to them, and how you felt on your medications. The air was always kept open and peaceful, encouraging an honest conversation. You sat in the Council dining area, normally used for exceptionally long meetings so they didn’t have to break for meals. Master Fisto was by your left side, Master Rancisis to your right. Everyone else filled the seats around the table with Master Yoda taking up the head chair. 

Spending time with everyone was wonderful, and you ended up mostly forgetting what happened during mid-day meal. The laughter and happiness in the air was infectious and you found yourself thoroughly enjoying the evening.

Long after dinner was over and most conversation died down, the grandmaster had announced it was time for meditation, to strengthen the bonds formed and let the emotions of the day pass. Everyone gathered in a circle, sitting in the meditation chairs available. You never joined in the circle, always sitting in the middle to feel safe, even subconsciously. The seven masters in the circle were close enough together that they could reach out and touch you. 

Starting with Master Yoda, everyone in the room sunk into the Force. Feeling the peace and tranquility of the atmosphere around you helped you keep a calm mind and find your way. The feeling of weightlessness and floating flowed through you, then a feeling of gentle waves. First was a cooling blue, then a beautiful purple, an earthy green, vivid red, pink, orange, and lastly silver. In turn, every master in the circle washed their signatures over your own, a pale yellow. Taking time to focus on each wonderful color and the feeling they brought to you, you and the corresponding master were able to make your bonds stronger. Your bonds with Masters Rancisis and Ti needing the most concentration due to them not always being able to attend these dinners and work on bonds. The brightest bonds you held were between Master Windu, Master Fisto, and the grandmaster himself, Master Yoda. 

Between the strengthening of the bonds, you were meditating and communing with the Force. During one of these communinions, you notice a small dark presence in the corner of your mind. Focusing on it, you were flooded with the emotions and words from mid-day meal. The pain and hurt that you felt at the words of the spiteful Jedi Knight. The feeling of suffocation when you were surrounded with snickers and menacing grins. You quickly shielded that section of your mind and after a speedy check of the Force bonds, you saw how much stronger they had gotten during this session.

Slowly pulling yourself from the Force, you kept yourself as calm as you could. This was going to be the one time you didn’t tell anyone what was about to happen. You felt that you would be a burden to the Council if you were to say that you believed an attack was coming. It had been almost 3 months since your last one, and you didn’t want them to worry about you, again. Logically, you knew better. You knew they wouldn’t think less of you for an attack coming after the words that were said to you. But, that’s the thing isn’t it? You weren't going to tell the Council about it, and unless someone was watching the holos in the security sector, no one else would either. You didn’t notice you had zoned out until you felt a hand on your shoulder. 

“Dewdrop?” Master Fisto. “Dewdrop, are you alright?” Mentally shaking yourself, you blinked, smiled at the kind master, and nodded your head. 

“Yes, Master, of course. This has been one of the best dinners we have had, and I was just thinking about how much I appreciate all of you for the sacrifice I know you have made. The code strictly forbids attachments. And yet, I have ties to all of you, and the rest of the council that couldn’t join tonight. I feel stronger than I did all those years ago.” Rambling. You did it best when you were nervous or tired. You hoped they would just assume the latter, as it was close to the time you usually went to sleep. 

Small smiles broke out on the faces of those in front of you, and you smiled back in turn. You twisted to look behind you, and looked at Masters Windu and Yoda. You made a face at Master Windu, and when he opened his lips to say something about it, Master Yoda swatted the other master's knee with his gimmer stick. You snorted a laugh at the offense Master Windu took to that. 

You let a small hit of the exhaustion you felt tint your signature and yawn. “I am feeling awfully tired. Would it be okay if I retire to my rooms?” 

“Of course, Dewdrop. Let me escort you back to your chambers,” Master Fisto replied. 

“Oh, it’s alright, Master. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you. You should get some rest as well, don’t you have a mission tomorrow morning?” You grinned at him, and he shook his head with a chuckle. You stood up and stretched. Walking outside the circle of masters, you turned around and bowed, “Good night, Masters. Thank you for this evening. I really enjoy meditation with all of you.” A smile and a wave later, you were out of the council chamber doors. 

Thoughts were swirling around your head and you felt yourself getting upset more and more. Unable to shake what the knights had said, you quickly ran to your chambers. The hiss of the door sliding into place echoed in your head. You knew you needed to holomessage the Masters, anyone, to help you, but you felt worthless. Like you weren’t important enough or worthy enough to have the help they provided you. You made your way to the fresher, turned on the tap, and prayed to the Force that the steam will help clear your mind. 

An hour later found you clean and in your night wear, a simple pair of training shorts and a bandeau, sitting crossed legged in the center of the living space. You were trying, and failing, to meditate. Frustration clouded your mind, words like useless and disgusting running a race through your thoughts. The words grew louder and louder in your head, faster than you could stop them. It was making your head feel like there was so much pressure pushing on your eyes, all the way to your ears. You threw your hand up and summoned a razor from the fresher, determined to make it stop. The second it slapped into your palm, you drug it across your arm. The feeling was indescribable. As the blood dripped down your arm, the pressure in your head eased. You drug the razor across your arm for a second time, slightly deeper than before, and the pressure almost vanished. The words were still there but quieter now. 

Being able to hear the world around you again, you could hear the pounding on your door. Mind still fuzzy, and arm still trailing blood, you quickly got up to answer. As you rushed to open it you forgot to cover yourself with a robe, and as soon as the thought to grab a robe dawned on you the door was sliding open. 

Before you stood your best friend and Master Windu, both looking extremely worried. You turned your body sideways to hide your bloodied arm.

“Obi-Wan, Master Windu, is everything alright?” you asked as evenly as possible.

“You didn’t answer your comms and we have been knocking for almost five minutes, Dewdrop,” Master Windu started. “Why did it take you so long to answer?” His eyes were scanning you from head to toe, looking for anything wrong.

“My apologies, Master. I was in the fresher. Obi-Wan, what are you doing here?” You needed them to leave but you couldn’t be suspicious about it. 

“I tried to comm you, but you didn’t answer. I went to Master Windu and he said he hadn’t seen you since the evening meal. Are you alright?” Obi seemed genuinely worried, and it broke your heart.

“I’m okay, I am sorry. I was just meditating and then went to take a shower in the fresher. I didn’t mean to worry you all.” You moved your arm slightly and Master Windu caught sight of the red streaming down your skin. 

In one quick movement, Master Windu shoved his way through the door, grabbing your wrist and bringing it up to his sightline. Fear swam through his gaze as he watched you. 

“Hey-!” You tried to get your arm free but it was too late, Obi-Wan had seen it as well. He rushed into the room and quickly sealed the door shut to keep others from seeing it as well. 

“Dewdrop, what happened? Why didn’t you call?” He was asking gentle questions, but his eyes couldn’t meet yours. You had your face turned away, staring at a spot on the floor. You opened your mouth to answer but nothing would come out. ‘Shut down’ they called it. You could hear but you couldn’t respond. You face frighteningly blank, you looked up towards the ceiling and tears started to stream down your face.

“Dewdrop? Please. I only want to help.” Master WIndu was pleading with you, but you couldn’t answer, because that would mean explaining, and explaining meant reliving it, and reliving it again was not about to happen again.

“What’s going on, Master?” Obi-wan asked. Poor man had no idea of your ailments, but he yearned to help you. 

“We need to get her to the healers.” Master Windu’s tone left no room for negotiation, but your head snapped towards him and you violently shook your head no. He looked at you and saw the embarrassment flooding your eyes, and had to make a quick decision. 

“Obi-Wan. I need you to take my comm, and send a message to Vokara Che.” Master Windu’s tone brokered no argument. Obi-Wan grabbed the comm from Windu’s waist bel6 and found Healer Che’s contact.

“What-what do I say, Master?” Obi-Wan was nervous, and scared. 

“Tell her ‘Running Sunshine’, she’ll understand.” Your head was starting to get fuzzy as you watched Obi-Wan furiously type away on Master WIndu’s commlink. “Dewdrop, stay with me, okay? Tell me about your old master.” Master Windu’s voice was wobbly in your ears, you glanced down and noticed he had wrapped your arm in a towel.

Your vision was still blurring and fading in and out of focus. You couldn’t hold yourself up anymore, and your knees went jelly under your weight. Obi-Wan caught you before you could hit the ground and he lowered his body to the floor to hold you to him.

Walking into the mess hall for mid-day meal, you entered the line behind a couple of knights a year or two older than you. You grabbed your tray and followed the flow of the line, reaching for a deep-fried nuna leg. Before you could grab it, the female knight of the pair in front of you snatched it. 

“I don’t really think you need anything deep-fried, do you, huttlet?” The insult stung, but you elected not to respond, and just kept moving along in the line. Next up on the line was sliced meiloorun, and again you reached for it and actually had your hand on it, but again it was snatched from you.

 “It’s the last one. You don’t mind, do you? I mean, you look like you could do without the sweets, right, huttlet?” She laughed and before you could actually respond this time, she walked away, still giggling to herself and her companion. Hurt and still hungry, you went to the salad bar and grabbed one at random. Placing it on your tray, you looked around the mess hall for a place to sit. 

Finding an empty table in the far back of the room, you made your way there, grabbing silverware and a glass of blue milk on the way. Sitting down in the chair that faced away from the rest of the room, you just wanted to eat and go back to training before anything else happened. 

You opened the salad box, and saw you grabbed a berberian crab salad. A rarity for the kitchen to make since the Nabooian ingredients weren’t shipped to them often, and you absolutely loved it. You quickly started eating, trying to just finish and get out of there as fast as you could. Unfortunately, sitting with your back to the room and engrossed in your thoughts, you didn’t notice the small group of females gathered behind you. A mixture of knights older, same age, and younger than you stood behind you, intentions very non-Jedi like. You stood and turned to face the group surrounding you, slipping your hands into your robe pockets and flicking on your holo-recorder.

“Look at what we have here, a huttlet with a salad. Why didn’t you just skip meals today? You could stand to lose the weight, you know. A disgrace to the Order, you’re so big it’s no wonder you don’t go on off world missions. I’d be terrified the ship wouldn’t lift off the ground if I were you.” Snickers were surrounding you, making you feel boxed in. “I don’t know if you know this, but the only reason you have ‘friends’ is because they pity you. No one in their right mind would be friends with you.” She glanced at the girls behind her with a wicked grin and more snickers sounded, and you finally couldn’t take it anymore. 

“I may be a bit bigger than you, but at least I don’t have the face and personality of a wet gundark.” You stood up, and as you went to walk by them the ringleader shifted and stood in front of you. 

“Who do you think you are, insulting me? The council loves me. I can just tell them you told me, in confidence, that you have broken your Oath and who do you think they will believe? Me, the perfect Jedi Knight, or you, the disgusting, fat, Jedi wanna-be?” A smug look rose on her face like she had won, but you had one more thing to say to her.

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe we should go do that right now, because I am sure Master Yoda would love to listen to the holo-recording I have of this interaction.” She paled and you smirked. “I suggest you leave me alone, or I will gladly turn it over. Now move out of my way, or I will make you.” You shoved through the group of stunned Knights, shoulder checking the ones who didn’t move and blocked your path. Before you fully escaped the group, her hand shot out and grabbed your wrist, gripping you a lot tighter than was necessary. Swinging around, you attempt to rip your hand out of her grip, but she was holding on too tight and it was starting to hurt. She walked a couple steps closer to get in your face.

“Don’t think this is over, you repulsive huttlet. I-,” She stopped her sentence short just as Master Mace Windu walked close.

“Hello, Dewdrop. We missed you at dinner last night. Is everything okay?” He looked at the small gathered group and noticed the young knight's hand was still latched to your wrist, and it looked like a painful hold. “Knight Verona. I strongly suggest you release your hold immediately. Physical contact without consent is assault, no matter how small, and if she so wishes, the council will hear of it.” He narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms, waiting. ‘Verona’ quickly dropped your arm and glared daggers at you. 

You turned to Master Windu, “Thank you, Master. And I am sorry I missed dinner. It was a long night of training and then I got caught up in my meditation. By the time I resurfaced from the Force, it was well past dinner. Maybe I can make up for it and we can all meet tonight instead?” You knew it was petty. Showing off how well you knew the council in front of these hateful females, but you just wanted them to leave you alone. 

“That sounds lovely, Dewdrop. Come, let us go ask the others if they would like to join as well.” He drew his hand up in the direction of the door, and you looked back at the shocked knight's faces, nodded, and swept out of the room following the master who just saved you from harm.

“Thank you, Master. I am unsure as to what started that, or where it was headed, but I thank you anyways for helping me leave it.” He smiled down at you as you walked beside him. 

“Of course, the rest of the Council probably wouldn’t have been so kind.” You nodded in agreement. You and Master Windu met with the rest of the council members, with Masters Yoda, Plo Koon, Kit Fisto, Shaak Ti, Depa Billaba, and even Oppo Rancisis agreed to join you and Master Windu for dinner. The main purpose of these dinners were to check in with you, see how your medications were helping or hindering you, and letting you strengthen the ties to them in the Force to anchor you during your bad days. While attachment is forbidden, there was a special case with you.

When you were discovered, as a three year old child, to be Force-sensitive and brought to the temple you were adjusting well. As you grew in age, your power of the Force grew exponentially. When you were 14, you started showing signs of being mentally unwell after a mission went completely wrong and you master was killed, and you were held hostage, violently tortured, sexually assaulted, kept in a constant state of drugged compliance before you were rescued 29 days later. 

Master Yoda himself noticed you weren't well, and walked you to the Healing Halls to meet with the chief healer, Vokara Che. After many, many sessions of talking with the grandmaster and chief healer, you were diagnosed with manic depression and severe panic disorder with both panic and anxiety attacks. Unfortunately, mind healing didn’t take these away like you had hoped, so Master Che placed you on antidepressants and antianxiety medications. You had to go to the Healing Halls every three days at first. You had shown how dedicated you were to overcoming your ailments, logging in journals every attack, every episode, and roughly how long they lasted, and you now only went twice a month.

When your visits were decreased, you were told, explicitly, that the Halls were open to you if ever you needed. Master Che also informed the council, and an informal meeting was held that night. According to Vokara, when you were in a manic episode before, she was unable to help surface you, but after many trials and errors, she broke the code and tied her signature to yours in a desperate attempt to help you from harming yourself. When informed of this, the council was shocked, some were outraged she so blatantly disregarded the code to save one person. Master Yoda had weighed in then, stating how strong you were with the Force, how having the tie to Master Che helped you have longer periods of stabilization, and he proposed a secret special case. Encourage you to form bonds with other council members, encourage the council members to have open ears if you wanted to talk, and see if this could be brought forth to the rest of the Order, and make them stronger.

So far, the arrangement has worked out wonderfully. Unless you were specifically triggered, you could go months without an episode. But when an episode hit, you were flooded with hateful thoughts, you were irrationally angry, never slept until you passed out from exhaustion, and were constantly moving. When it finally subsided, you were hit with insanely strong panic attacks, and an anxiety attack followed that. The lengths and severities always differed, but normally lasted from 5 days to a week before you were finally able to see the other side again. Luckily, you were usually able to tell when one was about to start, the Force around you normally felt unstable, shaky. If others noticed and told you, you usually played it off as nerves, and then quickly excused yourself from whatever was going on. 

On your way back to your quarters, you would send word to someone on the council, whether through a holocall or a holomessage. They would inform Master Che, and then either Mace Windu or Yoda would show up to your quarters a couple hours later. They would stay in your living space and sink into the Force to exude a calm and peaceful signature, and wrap it around your entire apartment so that no matter where you were in the space, you felt the calming call from the Force. Never once when they were there did you attempt self-harm.