lunaeve

愛: reader referred to as "kaori". college au type shi, time is set on new year's eve (cuz why not), nye party celebration, alcohol influence, intoxication, drunken states, and etc. basically kaori meeting a hot stranger yuhhh

性: inspired by camila cabello's song "never be the same."

ps: i usually don't write stuff like this so technically i js experimented🙏 this may be shit but atleast it's not ai🙏

♬⋆.˚‧₊: "just one hit of you, i knew i'll never be the same."

red and white lights mixed with the blasting music drowned the venue. chandeliers glistened as it reflected the stage lights on its shards, and clinking of glass cups harmonized with the crowd going on each other's necks. the party hasn't even started yet, but people already couldn't keep their hands onto themselves. stranger? didn't matter as long as they tasted good. unable to remain still as their fingers roamed onto another's curves, thoughtlessly pressing kisses in under ecstasy. will regret it, but it's a problem to deal with later. too looped in the magic of the alcohol they inject onto their throats.

it was only 15 minutes left before the sparks fly, and welcome a new era. and as kaori's celebration from all the calamities and tribulations she got herself into throughout twelve months, she guzzled alcohol as much as she can physically consume. gulping it like an addict, withering if she won't feel the bitter tang of it for the next five seconds. the liquid burned into her throat every shot she inhaled, feeling it rush into her veins, until into her very brain. the substance intoxicated her body, blurring her vision into a trance. her iris lost control, unable to focus it on anything, it just floated all over the place, mindlessly. her legs lead her somewhere she didn't know. she lost control over herself at this point, acting limbless and out of her mind.

she didn't even notice she walked straight into someone.

kei.

she looked up though her sight felt like an illusion. her eyes worked its best to map his features. but she found it difficult. her eyes already felt foggy, the lights of the place also didn't make any help as it keep flickering onto bits of his face. but he was looking down, strands of his hair framed over his eyes while the corner of his lip lifts up into a small, amused smirk. like he found her wasted condition endearing.

"aren't ya pretty?~" he purred, his hand raising up beside her head, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear. she shuddered by the electricity his fingers produced, even if it felt and seemed harmless. even the slightest stroke of them that pressed on her temple felt hot.

"o-oh-" she stammered, conscious of the distance that was between them, she raised her heel to take a step back, but the action was discontinued when he locked his arm around her waist. like a silent warning.

it's not like she had the current strength to push him right now. hell, her palms were already holding his shoulders like an instinctive protest, but she couldn't fight him. nor he's budging either.

her alarmed eyes fell onto the arm that snaked her close to him, breath hitching as a gasp escaped her lips.

"yes?" he tilts his head. he questions her, feigning a clueless look on his face despite knowing what he was doing.

she mirrored his gaze, tensing up further as his eyes looked like the abyss. one look, and you're gone.

"it'd be rude to walk away from someone after meeting them, isn't it?" he started, his other free hand cupping her jaw, thumb sliding in between her parted lips. she didn't seem to mind, she was still out of herself anyway. so why not enjoy her while it lasts?

"your name?" asked, but the music in the venue turned thunderous. the party sure is about to go wild later once it hit midnight, and it was already showing by how the people were yelling and chiming altogether. kaori missing his words, only scrunched her face in response.

as then, he hovered by her earlobe to repeat his question

"i asked what your name is."

and by that, she swore her heart dropped to her guts by how low his voice went. she couldn't tell if that was on purpose to vex her or anything, but if it was, surely it worked. she felt how his breath fanned down her neck, and her body suddenly forgot to regulate itself for a second. was it the alcohol? she checked reality on herself, ended up not having an answer because she didn't know if she was only reacting like that due to the chemicals running within her.

"kaori.." she managed to let out,

he hummed in return, turning his head towards an empty table with a glass of liquor left unattended on it. not caring on whoever just drank from it, he wrapped his fingers around the small glass and brought it close to his lips, sipping the last bit of the substance. clicking his tongue onto his teeth in reaction of the sudden strong taste of it.

the woman caged into his arm was starting to wobble and tremble. her head leaned onto his collarbone, her grasp on him loosening. she was about to pass out because of how drunk she is. but he wouldn't let her go just yet, without tasting her, he meant.

"stay awake for me, pretty," he shook her awake, brushing the curtains of hair blocking her face, before bracing her onto a nearby wall, latching his mouth onto hers on an open-mouthed kiss. she returned it with no hesitation at all, going fully under the command of the drugs she consumed. greedily clashing her tongue against his. this wasn't even a kiss anymore, considering the amount of tongue and teeth that were brawling together.

she was already erratic before, but now control slipped out of her vocabulary the moment kei had himself on her. she couldn't tell who's more toxic, if it's the potion that burned her inside or if it was this man in front of her.

if it was her insanity to be talked about, kei is to blame for making her ruin herself by the way he moved. just a kiss fractured her open.

and as the peony of fire blossomed in the sky, what illuminated were the shadows of these two strangers sharing a kiss as they met a new year.

愛: reader referred to as "yume". after a horrible breakup, she met kei through a mutual to try healing her. he was practically perfect, and had everything she needed in a man. but she just can't get herself to reciprocate the love he gives, because of the remains of her feelings towards her previous lover.

性: hello~ thank you for finding this fic. today i wrote another k fic because he's just fit for themes like this idk yall. and this was inspired by lyn lapid's song "like you want me to". and her lyrics appears in this. anywho, see ya around~

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

"i can't call you "baby" like you want me to.

the spinning fan hummed above them, playing a static white noise. yume and kei sat across each other, with only a small table placed with a flower on a vase separated them two. the uncomfortable silence loomed upon them as it was laced with underlying heavy tension. yume kept her hands on her lap, balling the fabric of her skirt within her fist as her head remained down, with stiff shoulders and posture. while kei remained his eyes onto her. his gaze didn't intend to hate. he'd never do that, as much as he wanted to. he only wanted the truth come out from her mouth itself, instead of playing along with this one-sided relationship.

"it's just that, you need much more than i can offer you." she barely whispered, like she was still trying to hide the blades hidden along with the words, threatening to slice kei. but it did anyway. he exhaled in return, his eyes moved away from her a bit, like expressing his frustrations and disappointments onto the concrete floor instead of her.

even with the sugarcoated words she wanted to say, it's only one translation;

"i can't love you like you want."

that's it. she can avoid saying it because she's guilty to reject him now. but it's more cruel for letting him pursue her, instead of rejecting him in the beginning. she knew she was stringing him along, but it was a complicated choice for her to make. and she had conflict with her conscience, thinking someone out there actually loves her. and she just can't refuse it. because of the sudden disappearance of the love she always received from maki that day, kei was the only one who managed to give it. to give, to show comfort to her grief.

she knew, that when she got with maki, kei had loved her first. the whole time, actually. before, during and after. loved enough, to let her be happy with another. she didn't know if it was a mistake to let him love her. because everytime he did, she felt it more as an obligation, because what she receives she'll return. and she wasn't heartless. if you could put it as a bitter truth, yes, it felt forced. she gave, 'cause she had to.

kei knew this. he just wanted to hear it come from her. just the way her smiles never reached her eye, or the slight hesitation when giving him a kiss. and the way she never called him anything other than "kei", it was enough to see her delays and uncertainties.

"you're guilty to love me, right?"

"if you put it that way-" she tries defending,

"it's just a yes or no question, yume. please, answer me." his face turned crestfallen, in her attempt more she tried to make it sound lighter. trying to wrap sugar around it again for his sake, like she always do. pitying him and afraid of hurting him. the more she pities him, the more the veins in his heart tightened. it made him feel more pathetic than just the fact of he's the only one trying to make it light between them. while she's reluctant. the only thing left was to kneel in front of her and beg for the genuine love he deserved. but he didn't do that, of course. he'd rather slam him face onto the soil.

well it's the same thing as that anyway.

"...sometimes i think i love you. but i'm not so sure."

the ceiling fan spoke again. another wave of silent conflict mixed onto the air the fan produced. he didn't listen to her reply one bit. why listen if he already expected it.

as they said, you can't make people love you if they really can't. even if you gave away your own self, nothing would make them. even if he held his pulsating heart in his palm and offered it to her, no way she would gladly take it without the slight tremor from the blood trickling down. she'll take it, because she had to. he wanted her to not fear his heart combusting if she said the truth. in fact, it already was under misery.

"i know you give me all your heart, but i can't give you all of mine." yume sobbed. and all kei could react with was a nod of understanding. what else could he do besides understand anyway? it's not like had hasn't known it was halfhearted. but still, he gave it his all. kei didn't know who he is if he doesn't give his all everytime, even if a capillary in him bursted.

"i don't want you pouring all yourself to someone as horrible as me," she trails

"and i hope you'll find someone to adore you... in a way i never knew how."

"but, i can't love you like you want me to." yume concluded, fully embracing her weeping face within her palms. crying into her skin, her shoulders which were earlier tensed up, now shakes in a shaky rhythm.

his eyes watched her, fighting his own emotions off. he always felt wretched if he found her tangled. but it's because of him she wept, he felt like he did all the sins in the world.

"it's fine that you can't love me back like how i wanted to..."

"but i'll always hold on to knowing you loved me once."

*ੈ✩‧₊˚

愛: two college students were nearing their graduation. yuma, who had been admiring jo for nearly four years, he wanted to confess his love for him, he's scared because he may never be able to say it before they part ways. he struggles, because of jo's aloof demeanor. his detached and reserved self is what kept yuma to admire him from afar all this time.

性: hello~ im glad u stumbled upon this fic and i hope yall enjoy this one. and yes, by the title itself this was inspired by niki's song. and her lyrics will appear here and there within the fic. so sorry in advance if u don't like reading literal paragraphs of yapping😭 anywho, seeya around~

₊˚⊹♡

"allow me to have a space in your heart."

the calendar ticked by, inching closer and closer towards the day every studying person anticipates for.

graduation.

after four torturous years of going through powerpoints and hundreds of projects to cram on, the most awaited day will finally come.

just the moment their professor announced the date of the ceremony, a choir of sighs harmonized within the whole lecture hall, already celebrating it in their minds. even if they had a whole week left of hell and examinations coming up, the thought of that day waiting for their arrival at the finish line gave them a glimmer of hope, and the last supply of motivation to work their best. it's the last time they'll go through an exam anyway.

amidst of the festival of excitement and relief, sat yuma.

eyes, motionless and empty. his fingers rested stiffly by the buttons of his laptop, while his thoughts brushed through the chatters, away to the ringings of his heart.

indoors in his core exists repeated thumping and clamouring beats, each beat carrying the worry he had over this graduation day. it's not like he still wanted to be in college, no. he wants to, and he wanted to celebrate it. but something hesitated in him, stopping him from expressing delight as the thought of his long-lived admirations he had for jo dawned onto him. if it meant for "graduation" was to go on different paths to pursue the chosen career they prepared for during their time in the hall, also meant he may get split away from jo, for god knows how long. or worse, permanently. what if he flies overseas? what if he gets on a boat and swim away to somewhere unreachable? the uncertainty of where he may go after the great separation weighed on yuma, badly. by different chosen lifestyles, meant different environment.

what's funny was, four years. four years of being in the same building as jo everyday, yuma never got to parallel with him. there were some times of "almost" in interactions. but none of those moments got him to really carry out any conversation. no exchanges, no nothing. even a brief glance would be counted as interaction for yuma, and he got plenty of it.

for sure, during those times, yuma tried shooting a shot. multiple times. and it ended up the same, jo shutting it down within 5 words. he was a tough match to light, fire always drawn out. it was like talking to someone with a whole glacier surrounding them. icy, and stone cold. jo's stare remained stoic, grounded and guarded. but he wasn't raised to be a quitter. he tried, again and again to linger along his bubble and atleast to gain a piece of his trust.

he hasn't even heard of jo having friends. which was bizarre. by his charm it is no question people tried approaching him. but not a handful of group projects, and forced proximity with others would make him more than acquaintances to the people he meet. he seemed to always have everyone outside of his circle, not letting a single one in, to see his vulnerabilities or emotions. always detached, always withdrawn, asocial, you name it. he probably has it all anyway. he locked himself in, and he locks everyone out. that's the closest thing yuma could describe about him.

a small win he had into taming jo back then, was he accepted an onigiri during lunch. unfortunate for jo, he forgot his lunchbox at home, so he accepted the offer. but he coldly reasoned "i just didn't want to be hungry." that's why he took his little gift. but yuma wasn't stupid to not notice the slight look of contentment in his eye as he chewed. he had a thing for rice, for sure. so he gave him onigiri from his lunchbox everyday, one or two of them. until one day then, he spoke

"you can stop trying to lure me now." giving a sharp look, like as an attempt to intimidate him, but the other shrugged

"never a crime to give doses of kindness everyday" with a lighthearted tone, not taking his little threat even near his heart. he believed something below that icicle on jo lived something warmer.

going a little too deep in his worries, he was deaf to the numerous tries of his mates shaking him up from his zoning out habit

"earth to nakakita? it's lunch don't ya wanna eat?" fingers snapped before his face as harua called out to him for the seventh time, expression on his face bordering concern. on yuma's other side was fuma, mirroring the same emotion harua had on. eventually blinking his eyes in surprise, turning his head side to side to check his friends.

"o-oh- yes? it's lunch? uh- yeah let's go-" he stuttered, exhaling out an awkward sigh and laugh at the same time, hands clumsily grabbing his stuff and shoving it in his bag, trying to recover himself with the sudden disassociating he had for like what- 20 minutes?

"yeah sure let's grab some onigiri for your friend on the way" fuma casually mentions, by that suppressed smug look on his face it is no wonder he's trying to imply something else underneath that normal sounding sentence

harua's giggle echoed beside yuma's ear as he just gave fuma a warning glare and rolling his eyes as he pushed a coin in the vending machine by the cafeteria.

while the two people beside him complained about the upcoming biology exam and how many notes they had to memorize and plunge into the limited slots in their brains, yuma's mind were planning to drift again, always circling back into the same worry that's disturbing him. noticing him missing out on reality again, they stepped in to cut off his thoughts

"you know, if you're so worried about jo forgetting you after college, how about confessing to him?" harua suggested, his words shaking up yuma's spirit awake just by the mention of his name. his eyes widened a bit, "a confession?" he repeats the word uttered to him in his head, narrowing his eye by the ground, like he was contemplating whether or not it was a good idea. well, confessing to him back then is like throwing a blanket over an alligator. it's not exactly the first thing he'd do, but right now, graduation is within reach. and it's up to him how is he going to spend the remaining spare days

"come on, the sun will explode anyway. why not raise the stakes?" fuma encouraged, adding more onto harua's advice and you know, make it sound more legit. they had to push yuma out of his zone, but it's for his sake too. he can't just graduate like that with no closure at all, or a simple message. if he did just brush it off, those four years of having jo an eye away is equivalent to dust. it's a gamble, but years of regret is not something he would want to live in.

"afterall, in the end you'll only regret the chances you didn't take." mouthed harua, before placing a piece of bread in between his teeth, chomping onto it like he didn't just pull a master oogway by the way he advices yuma. it's not like it wasn't true, though. with such a time left, it'd be fit to make leaps of faith.

as the long day dragged itself slowly, yuma's fingers unable to even grapple the pen properly by how much things had been going for him. he couldn't write, he couldn't focus his eyes onto the projector screen, read the presentation, anything.

was it really possible for him to admit feelings to someone who probably doesn't even know what it means? to someone who sees love as overrated? it seemed unlikely he'd acknowledge what yuma has for him, and he knew how'd it end, but how can he answer, and know the result of a scenario that hasn't happened yet? he's not even trying. and he wouldn't know, unless he did.

the trouble devoured most of his time. the more he thinks, than do, the tighter the situation comes.

"and if not now, when?"

that's exactly what he was thinking about while standing in front of jo.

his figure towered him, casting shadows over him while his eyes hovered at the man shuffling his feet before him.

yuma fidgeted, his pulse by the neck pulsated rapidly as he was thinking deeply about the words that's about to slip from his mouth. as once he says something, he cannot swallow it again. lowering his head one more time to brace himself, he sharply inhaled a breath, releasing it out his lungs the second after. blue sweat threatened to reveal themselves, but he cannot show how much this affected him. he didn't know why, maybe he just didn't want to look pathetic in front of jo.

"i can't take long with you. say what you need to." his voice spoke, raspy and deep. like he was bored of this whole meeting itself, thinking it's a waste of time just standing in proximity with him. and everytime he speaks, saliva and breath gets spent for no good reason.

anchoring enough courage, he met his gaze. narrowed and impatient. but yuma didn't budge

"i love you." no hesitation. he thought for that long, that deep. had all that time of awkward silence and shallow breathing just to say three words that sounded more impulsive than he intended to. meanwhile from the other man, breathed a quiet gasp, maybe louder than expected. his brows slightly lifted while processing every word that his ears met.

"....what?" all he could verbalize. his entire self froze by the self explanatory expression. well, it's not so self explanatory, it had a vague intent and purpose behind it. how could he? jo wondered, genuinely. what is there about him to love? the way he acts, speaks, and exist, is boring.

"you said you wouldn't leave me."

"but you suffocate me." voices from his past flashed onto his mind, ripping his ribs apart from the vivid but distant memory from the last time he loved someone. it truly ached him. it's like he killed someone with his own hands and their blood smeared onto skin, hearing those words come from the very tongue who swore who loves him back. by such trauma that whispers on his ear everyday, caused him to push everyone who orbits him. scared by the past mistake he once had done. by letting someone love him, and know him. then in return of feeling loved, he reciprocates what he receive. but he ended up suffocating them. and now another one of life's tricks stood before him, he thought of it as another deception, and a trap to do the same mistake all over again.

"you can't. you don't love me."

"but i do-"

"everything ends. and nothing in this world i found has lasted. so don't even try telling me empty words-"

"it's been four years, why hasn't it ended yet?"

jo stood frozen on his feet, breathing hard from the previous words he had spat on the other's face. but saw himself struck by the revelation, and to the unrealistic sounds of every syllable that slides off of his lips. he'd be lying if he saw a shift in yuma's eyes that indicated a hint of a lie. a performative lie that will bring him back to his past. four years. years, is a loaded word. has everything yuma had done to him, every onigiri, every attempt of a connection, all of those led to this? a low effort confession that says that same cliche words?

"i love you. and i want you to allow me to love you. and not push me away like you do." yuma repeats, as if echoing it back would be of any help.

"how should i know if you really do love me?" skepticism wanted to imprison him. but as much as he wanted to point out deception, he couldn't. because it wasn't, and never present on any part of yuma's being.

"how will you know if you won't let me?" another argument left from him that made jo speechless. never, hasn't he ever expected that these would come from him. that same clumsy idiot who's desperate to be friends with him, is the same one making him look stupid right now. just redirecting every offense back to him, and asking him the real questions he tried evading after that incident he once buried in the grave.

"because....i'm scared."

"you're scared of me, loving you?" he trailed off, an expression of disbelief showed on his felt, angry but not towards him. but about his thoughts about being loved.

"i'm scared, because i might never be able to at all!" yuma cried. water from his eyes kissed his cheek, unable to keep it at bay from some sick words jo had the audacity to say. inching himself a step closer to him, he sniffles, enclosing his palms over his,

"take a chance with me, jo."

"as four years isn't enough to measure how much my heart yearns for you."

愛: reader, referred to as "ruka" had been facing challenges in her life. to cool off, she went to a nearby beach to clear her mind. in between of it all, she met a man, who's lowkey a fish.

性: hi~ today i thought of another idea of juju (as lowkey fish/ponyo lmao) being a stranger reader met near the sea. since fishes have low memory, he wanted to let her talk about her problems, knowing he'll forget about it anyway, atleast she got it out. anywho, see ya~

𓇼 ⋆.˚ 𓆉 𓆝 𓆡⋆.˚ 𓇼

"tell me the filth, as the saltwater shall cleanse it all."

"a deadline? again?!"

ruka exclaimed, slamming the other half of her laptop shut in frustration. her face contorted into exasperation as another wave of deadlines flooded her brain. hand holding her temple, she thought back into the things she recently just completed, and now she's piled up on again. paid rent, bills, groceries, college fees, and now another deadline of a project in arts is due next month. she just finished a work three days ago, cramming it until she passed out just to pass it one minute before the submission day ended, straight at 11:59. and not even a week later, her professor held up another due date, with such intricate designs required, and precise cuts that's being demanded. she can't handle all of it right now as she had a life to live outside of piles of work to do.

"screw studying, i'm getting fresh air."

she breaths, before bringing herself up on her feet and reached for the keys hanging off her doorframe before heading out. steps leading towards the sandy land near the edge of the city. the beach.

the scene that unfolded was magnificent.

not wasting any time, her feet buzzed towards the powdery floor, leaving a trail of prints behind and sat nearby the water, her arms enveloping her knees.

she won't take this beach for granted, she's grateful and lucky enough to live near a place like this when tourists out there travel for miles to lay eyes on the view. and thank heavens too, a place where she can hang loose is just a couple blocks away. free, and just around.

resting her stare by the water, she imagined like everytime the waves left the shore and visit again, the motion it made felt like it's washing her mind.

"so this is what it feels like stepping outside, huh?" she jokes, smirking on her own lame joke as her sight took in the fresh scene before her. the mint-blue colored sea, how the wind slipped through her strands, admiring the specs of sand that dances beneath her feet, her nose inhaling the salty scent that surrounded her. by how submerged she was in her commissions and assignments, it's ridiculous for her to think that she misses out on such marvelous sceneries, and probably more of them that exists, but she passed by on. and heaven knows what else of a view she haven't seen yet, and what is there more to see. and she promises once finals were over, she'll navigate every place and every sea that she couldn't grasp while trapped into this neverending cycle of being worked out.

"i believe being in the sand is a rare occasion for you." a voice emerged from beside her.

ruka jolted in shock, startled by a sudden presence of another person beside her. her body flinched away, as if creating distance between her and this other man that seemed too calm despite his sudden appearance.

he sat in a relaxed posture. his legs spread out in the sand as he had himself leaning back onto his arms, his palm supporting his weight. and he had a mellow face.

"c-can i help you? since when have you've been there?" she stammered, her eyes observing and taking in his attitude and demeanor. he was wearing something casual, his hair was damp with water but not dripping. she was puzzled how he had his clothing neat and dry if he used to be underwater. maybe he changed into new clothes? but maybe he's been out from the blue for a while, and had time to dry himself up. his skin looked delicate and smooth, there also showed displays of small circles, like bubbles.

the stranger didn't answer her question of how long he's been sitting there before she took notice of him, or how he even appeared there in the first place. by the time she step foot in the shore, she didn't see anyone dressed that cleanly and modestly at a place where you're supposed to drench yourself in water. he simply gave her a soft look in his eye before opening his mouth again

"you're burdened, care to share?"

if she's already bewildered by him randomly materializing in thin air without hearing his steps or feeling him beside her, his direct question messed her brain up further.

one, he was a complete stranger who thought to approach her out of nowhere. and two, he had the nerve to ask about her personal problem like he's someone familiar to her. and how did he know? did her face show how much stress she's under? was it that obvious? did the dark circles under her eyes told the whole story for her?

"...how did you know i was troubled?"

"tell me what bothers you," he trailed off

"tell a secret to a fish, as they'll hide your troubles into the deepest of the oceans."

he pointed towards the mass of water in front of them, extending an arm out. defining of the meaning he intended, that telling a fish of your burdens, they shall keep as they swim in the ocean. whilst they swim, they get crushed within the waves and tides, and so as the problem they carry. swimming into the vast ocean, in by its unknown they go, the fish that carries one's puzzlement they shall forget.

ruka's lips unzipped, forgetting this uncanny encounter with the other, too bustled about the matters that served as parasites that drained her blood, words flowing out through her teeth naturally as she stripped herself of negativity. pouring all of it to a man's ear.

she mentioned everything that bugged her. payments, deadlines, everything. blabbering it all out like she was writing on a journal.

a hushed whisper of time flew, she eventually grew tired of speaking. she had talked, and talked mindlessly, emotions washed over her. not knowing her gaze dropped towards the sand in the middle of venting, she forgot her position.

she was still talking with a person beside her, and is probably going to be rude of her if she didn't acknowledge him and only talked about herself, and everything revolved solely about her.

"hey I'm sorry if i-" she cut herself off, flabbergasted. only a sound of a "ah-" finished the sentence for her

well, the man that she was supposed to be talking to, disappeared.

she didn't know if she was in too deep within her venting, that she didn't even notice he left. her eyes furrowed in both confusion, and in slight displeasure because how could he leave her like that while she talked? it's so ill-mannered, for her. asking her to talk about herself then leave afterwards?

about to react, a voice yelled

"ruka! i was just looking for you" her friend, rie with her boyfriend nicholas stood beside her, with a hand on her shoulder

"so you forgot we were supposed to hangout today or what?" she raised a brow, hands on her hips, asking in an animated way. ruka just laughed it off, "i have a life yaknow, just needed a cool-off"

and while the girls catches up with each other, almost bickering because she almost missed a third-wheeling hangout with rie and nicholas, his eyes wandered across the sea, like looking for something.

even before rie yelled to call out to her friend, he saw an odd looking fish swimming near ruka. for sure, goldfish exists, but the unnatural color of the one he saw earlier was bizarre. and she seemed like she was talking to it too.

until now, he was still looking for that weird fish, but it was gone.

the three figures walked away to return back into the concrete, footsteps painting pictures onto the sand.

for one moment, ruka took a second to spare a last glance into where she recently sat. and for some reason, getting every bottled problem she had faded away. the feelings when she entered, and left the shore contrasts each other, weirdly enough.

discarding the remaining hundred questions of whatever collision she had with this person, she deserted the seaside with her friends.

and somewhere within the blue depths, goes a fish with a remaining three seconds to remember the face of a woman who opened her soul to him.

愛: reader referred to as "chihiro." after a tragic end had been brought into jo and chihiro's relationship, she started to search for another man to lend her heart to. meeting kei, she started to spot traces of jo onto him everywhere.

性: hello~ welcome back to another shih post and for today's snack was a request from a friend🙏 her idea was so peak i had to write ts. anywho, see ya around~

nothing could describe how deafening the silence was in chihiro's apartment after finding out everything that had been left unsaid to her. she couldn't believe everything that she had heard. or she couldn't believe herself, that she romanticized every interaction both of them had.

every ship and tease they received, every small act of love that were wrapped under the disguise of a lighthearted thing between friends, every birthdays she celebrated and every time the day of hearts on February occur, apparently, those served only as "banter".

of all the times they had, she couldn't understand why how jo could see it as friendly exchanges. do friends give each other hugs that linger for a second more? lend extra chocolates for valentines? caring "more" than a usual friend would do? no matter how many views she look at it as, she still don't understand how it all mean nothing.

especially when on a random day, he had a woman glued under his arm. just like that.

even when she tried giving jokes that had a meaning beneath them, asking silly "what-ifs" like it's something hypothetical. but it never was. she already tested the waters back then, but reflecting onto it now, she understood why he just answered a simple "I don't know." because he truly couldn't see a vision of them together.

now alone with her thoughts, floated away from jo, trying to drown herself with facts that he maybe, really did thought of them nothing. she bets her whole life that he knew what he was doing back then. and now, wrecking her pillar by announcing that he's with another.

she wanted to forget. he's not the only man in the world afterall. and there's probably going to be someone better than him.

after a moment in time, her paths intertwined with a man named "kei".

he technically was everything she could ask for. the whole package. good looks, good personality, never had a scandalous past and has a good reputation on his name.

she thought she could finally forget the first one who really shook her heart, and was the first within her everything. she'll forget about him in time, and she doesn't care whether or not jo really got to her guts first.

but it didn't last long until she started to notice the little habits kei does.

the way he places flowers on her ear whenever it fell from a tree, the way his fascination sparks when sports are involved, the way he caressed her face to provide her comfort when the road gets rocky. what the worst one was, she could see the resemblance of jo within him. and it's ticking her so much, that she sees these past habits he used to do in a different person. like haunting her, and reminding her all over, that jo can never be replaced, and she will see him in every man she'll ever meet. if she searches, traces and subtle presence of his will show itself to her.

"chihiro." his voice spoke, snapping a finger by her face to catch her attention, eyes boring down into hers as if inspecting her

"you're doing it again."

"do what?"

"you're always like this. and you never tell me why." he argues, restraining his tone to not sound frustrated or mad at her, but by her actions lately. he didn't want to blame her, for if she's busy and the stress was physically showing onto her, that's that. but her behavior has been getting more and more questionable. she tried awkwardly laughing it off, reasoning she's just tired and is stressed from the pile of work that's constantly being poured at her

"is tiredness the reason why you kept calling me jo?"

she freezes. eyes slightly widening in shock, his unexpected question catching her off guard. she wanted to defend herself and deny, but nothing comes out of her throat. yes, she had slip-ups and in some moments, she called him jo out of instinct. she didn't know why her mouth just said it, it sort of just kind of came out. did her body just believed the voices in her head were saying? that in some different angles of the light, an illumination of jo occasionally appears?

"i know who you pretend i am, chihiro. do i look like him? do i feel like him?"

"i am not him, but i can pretend to."

愛: reader referred to as "Emiko". took place during mid 1500s, where Harua plays the role of being a poet, while Emiko is a member of the royal family. As a poet, almost all of his sonnets and novels were about her. Harua lowk going crazy because he heard Emiko was getting married

性: hello againnn i cooked up new ideas and thought of harua being one of em Shakespearean poets back in the days. hope yall enjoy reading ts, as someone who's kinda weak with literature and i mentioned parts of a poem, don't flame me😭 just a random shih post but anywho, seeya~

── ⋆⋅𖤓⋅⋆ ──

"it's painful to be crownless."

the lit candles placed on his desk hued the room warm colors of yellow, the shadow of his posture illuminating as his hand displays a quill between his fingers. surrounding him were crumpled papers, scripted with elegant letters made out of ink. penned with 14 lines, each line crafts an echo of his heart, which goes on by telling a story through meter and diction. using exquisite words, he expresses the kind of love his soul yearns for the princess emiko. not having the luxury and crown to possess the right of holding her hand, here in his own world, exists the kind of freedom where he can reveal himself. he knew that she may never read about everything that he's framing on a piece of paper and quill. but what's important is, he jots down everything that he envisions about her, and how he perceives her in his eyes. rather than keeping to himself, he feels a sense of intimacy and belonging whenever he translate his devotion into words and letters.

"and for everytime you shall see yourself into a fractured mirror, i would happily lend you my eyes so you can see your splendidness." the last stroke of the ink said, lifting his hand from the paper to look at his new creation as a whole. An exhale of contentment left him, as well the corners of his lips rose into a gentle smile. Yet again authoring another piece that declares his neverending longing for a someone he cannot reach. He can sense the limiting thing that's barricading him away from her, he was only a poet, crownless and plain. with only a paper and imagination that serves him something worth living for.

It often frustrates him of his own status, but he cannot blame how, and where he was born. He can't blame why he was to be born as a commoner, when he fell someone with royal blood. He wasn't the one who chose this kind of life afterall, so why bother blaming his creation. Maybe his fate was destined to be like this, only a gaze away for someone he wanted his future to be. And it makes his heart ache, knowing that she may never lay an eye on him.

because how will you spot his gaze within the millions who look at you?

having no option left, he chose to live a life in simplicity. only as a poet with no hope to be loved. Unfortunate enough to be born ordinary. and only through his creations, will he ever be loved back.

dropping the quill beside his writing, tears dropped softly onto it, blooming and staining over the ink. faced with the realization he had always avoided, that he shall never be a groom, and will never be one.

and born to never have the privilege placing a ring onto her.

── ⋆⋅𖤓⋅⋆ ──

but none could've prepared prepared him, for the news that shall devastate everything that he had for her.

her hand was already taken into marriage by a noble, and the ceremony will be married on the next fortnight.

"it can't be." the poet muttered in pure agony, hands crawling their way into his locks, tightening their grip as if he was trying to rip it all off. dropped to his knees, creating vibration that shook the desk filled of the pages that he was about to dedicate new stanzas for, but how can it all be continued as the muse he admired for a quarter of his life was already engaged?

diamonds fell from his eyes, smearing luminous light on his cheek, reflecting light from the fired up candle that showed him light so what he writes, he can see. but what is now to write?

he grieved, whimpering as the tones of his anguish spreads all around the corners of his room. his craft, what was meant to be done and made now discarded somewhere along the table. it felt like swallowing ten thousand needles at once, torment spiked through his body and mind, slicing through every vein.

having no company of a friend, nor a loved one as they were somewhere else far from where he was, it had never felt more sorrowful.

he, as Harua, died before becoming a writer. and decided to live again, as emiko gave him life. He, once assumed as long as she shall remain his muse, there exists every reason to thrive.

to write, is to see the meaningful things beneath the ugly. and to see beauty through pain.

but now, as his dreams crushed, just by through a ring slipping onto a finger, being a poet made him blind of everything that he once believed.

those several lives he has lived to see through different perspectives of life, and love, died at once.

seeing his current state now, losing himself as writing became a part of his identity through her, made him view himself as pathetic. so, very much, pathetic to commit art to a muse absentmindedly.

"as though i'm on the brink of insanity, you remain the holder of my heart."

── ⋆⋅𖤓⋅⋆ ──

愛: descriptions of violent actions, impulsive outbursts, aggressive behavior, prolly strong language, mentions of traumatic brain injury, slight mention retrograde amnesia, car accident, memory gaps, and etc. reader has a mental condition, memory gaps but remembers her past, except Kei. Reader and Kei were engaged. (#idkhowtotag)

reader is referred to as "Yona".

an: just note I'm no medical professional and don't take anything i say here literally. There's going to be errors and false infos but I'm just writing for the plot.

⋆. 𐙚 ̊

"how could you be so cruel for someone who you're supposed to marry?"

"i told you i don't need them." she almost hissed towards Kei, an eye glaring up at him, before flicking the blister pack of pills away using two fingers across the table, her attention diverted back into the screen of her phone. Totally ignoring whatever instruction Kei told her again regarding of her taking medications for "memory loss" or for her sudden outbursts.

"yona, please-"

"damn you and your illusions."

it has always been like this.

Kei had been enduring the results of the car accident Yona got into 6 months ago, and a day didn't go by where he didn't get cursed at, or drew blood.

They've been engaged for two years. He courted her since they were highschool, until they graduated college. And some more time after that, she finally gave him the "yes" he had worked for. Everything felt perfect when they were together, every touch and hold that Yona gave him, painted his days with sunlight. What once was his life remained achromatic, began to be stained by radiance. What was once his empty path, began to have petals drop by his feet in every step forward.

on the day where he knelt down before her on one knee, hands carefully opening a small box where sat the diamond within the center, he wished he could capture the image of Yona's beaming visage as her gaze landed on the ring. The sight of it was worth painting, and displayed on a museum. As she, was art.

But the dream of being bound together till eternity, vanished when Kei received the news that her car got crashed into by another vehicle, who's driver was under the influence. It was only a miracle she managed to hang onto life. Barely. The hit she received on her head was so critical, that it may have ended her right then and there.

fortune was kind to spare her, but not enough to spare her memories.

"your partner has been diagnosed with traumatic brain injury. though may be treatable, it cannot reverse the damage it has done. for her memories, they can still blur." kei couldn't contain the tear that slid down his cheek as the doctor proceeded to explain the devastating condition of Yona. Especially her memory of him, that had dissolved during the crash. earlier before the doctor discussed about it, she already had questioned who he was, and why there was a ring on her finger.

"i was supposed to buy a wedding dress? why? who am i getting married to?" was her reaction once she asked kei why she was in this hospital. she knew just now that she got into a catastrophe. And was so bewildered by everything she was hearing, as she had no absolute memory of everything before it. By no recollection at all, it included kei, who she didn't know too.

It felt like wearing a knife within your bones as he heard of her curious questions about her supposed engagement with a "stranger", and how kei looked no one familiar except as an unknown person. She kept acting harsh towards him. saying such heartless phrases to someone who she used to love and remember.

"can you make this man leave already? he kept hovering over me acting like he has the right to even step in my room!"

"stop calling my name as if you know me, because you don't."

"I don't understand why you care so much about me when i never even met you."

and more words of cruelty escapes her lips, continuously until now. As if she never got used to him at all, despite the time she was living with him. kei couldn't lie to himself, that there hasn't been a time that he didn't miss her voice laced with affection. He truly missed the honey-like sound of every word when her tongue speaks it. But now, all it could ever do was spit at him. And strip him of the remaining dignity he has.

every day, she had always been so hostile and aggressive towards him, and kei didn't have a choice but to endure every hurtful thing that she can ever say to him, ever glass shard that sliced his skin to crimson, and every hit, in hopes that maybe one day, she'll remember him again. Nights crawl to him and cage his mind, draining the remaining light that's keeping him lit. But his resolve remains,

because he loved her more than he loves himself.

Even when he felt disrespected and hated, he waited for her, for Yona to come back again.

a loud bash of a vase broke on the floor, the glass splashing into uneven, sharp, pieces as a voice pierced through.

"why the fuck do you keep acting like you need to care and nurse me all the damn time?! first it was my family who forced me to live with you, the nurses force-feeding me medicine that I don't even need because i remember just fine. and you acting like you love me, well I don't. So shut it will you?!" she snapped at him, eyes fiery with annoyance, frustration, and her conflict within herself mixed all at once. She felt so manipulated, brainwashed and confused. It was tearing her mind and beliefs apart, whether or not everybody she knows were crazy, or she's the one who's crazy. She had no idea who this man is, and everyone seemed to take his side in every argument. And nobody ever believed her. But she'd be lying to herself that everytime she badmouthed and cursed him, she felt guilty. She forced herself to not feel any empathy towards him as in her point of view, he is keeping her chained to him all the time, a stalker even. Who he forced her to live with him. But in his eyes, there was something else hidden behind them, but it definitely isn't predatory or obsessive. Something..

genuine?

no. ridiculous.

"I'm tired of everyone telling me what i used to do. They're pushing me to become this woman, and I'm tired of hearing about her." she points at herself, as if contemplating if those were really her doings, or are they trying to make her become this completely other person. She knew herself, she knew what degree she took, what her first pet's name was, everything. But this man,

who are you really?

and why does my heart kept acting eerily to you?

"you're still her."

"then where is she? why don't i know her?"

he couldn't reply, he can't come up with anything. The more she talked about herself, the more the knife within him twists, as it hurts him more seeing her in this wild condition where she's lost in her own self. And in her heart, he hopes that it tells her something, that he was once the biggest part of her life.

"see? you can't even answer me ba-"

"how could you be so cruel for someone who you're supposed to marry?"

she stopped. Stunned by the sudden change in tone of the man across her peered through her eyes, as if trying to reading her transparently.

"i love you. so much i let you scrape my skin."

"...you may never be yona again, and your memories may sabotage you, and control you to stab me all over until i die. but if i do, atleast i'll know that the blood i shedded was the price i paid for loving you."

"everyday, you say how much you wanted me dead." he remained to pierce a gaze through her, as his palm placed a shard from the vase into hers, guiding her hand by his neck, placing the edge of the piece firmly by his pulse. His action, shows that he's ready. Ready to die, if it meant satisfying her if he leaves.

her fingers trembled violently around the blade, even while his hand steadies it for her, her gaze starting to tremble in panic, unsure if this was a good choice to make.

she wanted to, but her hand can't slice him. Not even to slit his delicate skin.

it felt like a crime, she doesn't understand. but something in her kept ringing that she can't continue this.

kei seeing her situation, he right away lets go of her hand, removing its aim by his neck. At the same time, her palm relaxed and let loose of the blade, letting it drop to the floor as he pulled her into an embrace, soundlessly speaking by her ear,

"your heart would never lie to you."

"Saying i love you is hard, so I won't say it at all."

cw: major character death

attempting to make something depressing because why not right🥰 and i have no idea how competitions work okay so if i wrote smth wrong ignore it😔 especially the competition names😔🙏 anywho, see yaaa~

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

It was one of those nights again. Prisoned in my room, mind clouded nothing but charcoal colored memories from that night. It's been years, yet i am still chained by my own guilt and bereavement over a mistake that i till this day blame myself for it. The fully colored moon's light spilled through the curtains of my window, as if attempting to bring light into this somber atmosphere surrounding me. As if to try and make a difference into this stygian room. Though it's unseen, the feeling heavily holds my heart ransom. And no amount of forgiveness i shower myself with can bring him back.

There wasn't a single night that i didn't blame myself.

Ever since that July 8th, it makes me sick to my stomach as that date reminded me of how horrible of a person i am, and whom will i always be.

6 years ago.

The blades below my feet crackled against the ice as i repeated my routine once again for the 50th time, ordered by my coach. Exhaling, i placed my hands on my hips, gliding mindlessly over the slippery ground below me to catch my breath and get my resolve to strengthen itself. Exhaustion and frustration were getting to me, and all i ever wanted was to return into the warm hands of, Jo. Who never gave up on me, and he saw the potential and strength that i possess, he saw transparency within me, and helped me go through every struggle that i needed to face as an athlete. Though i gave him endless apologies for not spending a lot of time with him outside of the sport, he never had any complaint about it, and let me be. Knowing of how much i loved my passion and how it gives me an odd sense of happiness, he still let me be. He knew the dedication that i put into my work, and understood it as he had one his own. And he knew the feeling of how an old hobby being disconnected from him, especially performing. As he didn't want me to feel the sense of longing of what he felt about losing a passion for singing and dancing, he wanted me to continue this remaining thing that made me feel like myself. Seeing me happy and loving what i currently do, was everything he wanted to see.

Though surrendered his first love, one thing he always say was:

"I see you in everything that i love."

he never told me why he stopped reaching his dream into being a performer on a stage, he kept changing the topic and focusing on me instead. He always reasoned the same thing, he got tired of it. But still, he repeatedly tells me to never stop doing what i love, because at the end of the day it'll be the only thing that'll love me back.

It was weird to hear from him. Jo was always so vague about what he mean whenever he says something. He was quiet most of the time, but when he opens his mouth it's like i heard Shakespeare be alive. And I never understood any of his words, until that day.

Figure skating was no joke. Not only i had to practice endless jumps despite of an ankle and back injury, but i had to frequently push myself until the very limit in exchange of a piece of metal to hang off my neck in a podium and hands were clapping for my victory. It was almost like i couldn't do anything else except stay on an ice block several hours a day, eating at the rink, even reaching a point where i had to sleep there because i have practice in the morning. And getting home already chops off the time i could sleep.

I had conflict with myself everyday, my body screaming for rest yet my relentless drive for being the best contradicts and pushed further. Which was a bad choice, since i had myself hospitalized for it.

Jo was with me during those 3 weeks of comatose. He stayed every night beside my bed, his head resting on his arm over to my cushion, while his hand held mine during his slumber. I knew he was uncomfortable sleeping bent over like that, but he stayed any way just to stay close to me, and accompany me in my rest. Even outperforming a nurse because of how domestic he was towards me. Never made me move much, always fed me and spoonfed me as if i didn't have the limbs to do so, yet he was insistent of making me rest still so i can skate again.

Through his actions he show love, it didn't need any words as he thought it was useless to say anything when his body is already telling the whole story for me. He isn't really fond of speaking affectionately too much, and talking itself, but rather more comfortable showing it instead. He's introverted anyway, so I get how he feels.

Even during those intimate times that i have with him. When everything calms down from the high, he would always pull me close to his heart and keeps me there, as if he wants me to listen to the sounds that it make.

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

"i love you." I muttered out of instinct as i leaned onto him further, wrapping my arm around his torso at the same time to fully embrace him.

"mhm." he only hummed back, not replying anything. Which caused me to look up at him with a pouty expression, sulking a bit of him not saying i love you back.

"why aren't you saying it back?"

"find it embarrassing."

"there's nothing embarrassing of expressing love, though."

"i love you enough that i showed it to you in this night. And i do, love you. And I don't need to say it, for you already know it."

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

The national championships were nearing, and everyone in the team were fighting for their best in training this week. The pairs, the singles, everyone. Routine, after routine, after routine. Repeated spins, jumps, combinations. And the endless sounds of skates scraping the ice filled the rink. I, too, gave it all my focus and time for this competition. After several years of surviving over chronic injuries, i can now step into a real competition, where i get to represent my country and fight with its name on me.

"Representing, Japan." Was something worth hearing after all this time and sacrifice i made. And now, I'll get to hear it in 2 weeks. Just two more weeks, and I'll finally get to show the result of all the pain i went through, showing the world the best version that i can ever be, and what i can truly do after durations of honing and conditioning.

As the tournament will hold place in Beijing, i bid all my friends and family goodbye, and holding a promise of bringing home a gold. They all wished me the best of luck, even giving me charms like all the traditional grandparents give me. But i never threw them or hid them, i kept them displayed on my luggages.

And of course, to Jo, placing a soft kiss onto his lips before i completely focus on training and the flight. I'll not be in contact with my family and others for a while as i need to really focus on the sport, since it's really dear to me. And nothing could ever hinder me from laying a palm over that golden metal. Giving him a kiss would boost my confidence and strengthen me up

"do you really need to go?" An odd question came out from him. Why does he need to ask that? He knew why i was going overseas, why is he questioning if i really had to? He questioned me like he wanted to know if this tournament really mattered to me, and if it's really something that i'd prioritize. His eyes really looked expectant for a specific answer, but why? Why did he want me to question my choice of leaving to pursue a dream i longed for, and risked my life for?

"of course i need to, this is what i worked for. I need- want this." I explain, declaring my choice for career, saying it with the utmost confidence and directness

He gave a quiet sigh as his gaze bore away from mine, looking at the concrete below before slowly nodding in acceptance and understanding. His whole reaction was odd, he knew everything that i have to do right now, yet he's questioning things that's supposed to be obvious

"why are you asking th-" i was supposed to ask what was meant to be asked, but interrupted by a distant voice calling for Jo.

It was Taki.

"Jo, mother's calling you." A look on his face said something apologetic, as if he's saying sorry if he was disturbing something that meant to be private between us. He noticed the serious looks on our faces, and carefully called out to his friend. Mixed with his regretful presence was urgency, his breath was ragged and he looks concerned, alarmed, even. But I didn't ask anything, i didn't want to step in whatever matter they have going on.

By Taki's call, Jo looked even more devastated. He shot an eye at the friend by the other end with a sorrowful look, as if he was at fault for saying that. Everything that i was seeing didn't make any sense. Why did he look so shattered by getting called? Not even bothering to elaborate anything at all, he immediately pulled me in an embrace. For some reason, i felt him exhale shakily by my ear, tightening his arms around me as if I'll dematerialize if he let go of me.

"w-what's going on?" I reluctantly hugged him back, asking only that when i had a million more question clouding me. But he never said anything in return.

"Jo, come on.." Taki calls again, voice breaking like he's holding back tears. What is happening? Why is he getting called so urgently for? My thoughts get cut off when Jo pulled away from holding me, to speak in a broken whisper

"Anywhere with you, is everywhere i want to be."

He spoke in that same poetic way he always go with, before stepping back and leaving me standing there alone, bewildered and stunned by the series of events that just happened before my eyes, frozen, that i didn't notice a tear left my eye, kissing the ground, as i watched the two of them step away from me, taking one last look at Jo's departing figure, another tear fell from my gaze, i didn't know why I was crying. But here i am.

But before he could continue following Taki's lead, he turned over his shoulder,

"愛してる."

"I love you."

July 7th, 11:57

Currently in the hotel room, located near the venue where the competition will be held tomorrow, i look at my phone and saw the date

July 7th.

And in a few minutes, it's Jo's birthday.

A smile lit my face and went in my contacts to greet him happy birthday when the clock strikes twelve.

But the smile didn't last long when i saw his contact was missing. Did he deactivate? Why can't i find his profile? What's going on?

Feeling panicked, i looked for Taki's number and dialed him. I knew he'll be awake at such times, and knew he'll pick up.

"yes?"

"I can't find Jo's profile, i was supposed to text him happy birthday but I can't find him."

The line went completely silent after i spoke, that i had to double check if Taki was still in the other end with me because of the abrupt stop on his side.

"hello-?"

"didn't he tell you yet?"

"...tell me what?" I received another abrupt silence from his end, like he was thinking if he's supposed to tell me something. But what is it that he, they, are not telling me?

"so you never knew about his heart condition?"

A what? A what?!

"i thought you knew, he had it when he was a child. Didn't he mention to you the reason why he stopped doing performance arts?"

All this time, he never told me anything about his condition. Was it why he kept avoiding her question by answering in such vague reasons? Why he kept changing the topic? Was it why he felt so heavy when someone mentioned something he used to do?

Or even, why he kept reminding her to pursue figure skating?

"then, where is he? i need to talk to him right now." My breathing began to increase rapidly, and my heart thumped against my chest in pure panic. Because if he just said that Jo had complications with his heart, then why can't she contact him right now? Where is he? And what's happening to him?

"I'm afraid i can't bring you to him right now, y/n. His surgery two weeks ago....it failed,"

I couldn't handle one more word that will come out of Taki, so i quickly hung up and slammed my phone onto the ground, my hand latching onto my face as i tried to stop the tears from falling out, on the verge of hyperventilation, right on the day of my competition, just 10 hours away.

Was it why he oddly asked me if i really needed to go? Because he knew it was his time? Did he know he wouldn't last longer?

It was self destruction at this point, if i continue to ask myself those gruesome questions that make me want to tear myself apart.

And what's more agonizing, was i chose myself, my ambitions first, rather than spending my time, on his remaining ones.

After a blur of time passed me, the competition ended. And no, it didn't end....gracefully.

With a thousand pair of eyes watching me at the center of that rink as i perform, all i could remember was Jo's face, flickering through my vision from time to time.

Every jump, had a messy landing, unstable. Even the worst possible scenario happened, i fell in attempt for a triple axel. Every spin wasn't centered, a butterfly that almost ended in pure tragedy, and artistry just left my body, just as he left my life. I performed with no reason left, and showed the world dishonor, shame and humiliation.

My teammates tried their best to show sportsmanship, and empathy as i was the only one who played the messiest. But i knew the sharp judgement into their eyes, knowing i put dirt into our team name by not focusing enough.

When they didn't know i lost someone precious to me, crossing at the same time i was pressured to perform outstandingly in front of the world, with the country's name on my shoulders. They didn't know the pain i was under, never knew.

Figure skating is a cursed sport that i swore that i shall never do again. It only had brought me shame and agony.

All of my blood and sweat that i shedded for this sport came to waste, and a promise that I'll bring a gold to my family shattered humiliatingly.

But no other pain could compare on the death of my beloved.

And no other shame could equal the same one i felt when i realized that i was the last person that he wanted to see when he was nearing his time.

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

Visiting the grave was the hardest thing I'd ever done. My steps on the way onto the stone that carved his name were heavy, as if they were chained by rocks. Rocks that were filled by regret.

But, there was something that's placed near his name, a box tied with a blue ribbon, and my initials were written over it.

Opening the box showed me a small paper neatly folded with his signature at the front,

unfolding it, revealed a letter that spoke:

"i was never good at expressing myself in the form of words. and i have always shown you how much i loved you through the way i act, as it's something closest that could comprehend my affection towards you. But now I can't be beside you, to company you, i want you to keep this letter as my remains. Though i may not physically be with you anymore, to show you myself, i want to be with you even in the weakest form of love i can give, which is through words and letters. Words are futile devices, and i value you too deeply that I just can't waste mere words to describe what i feel. And as i take my final breath, it will be you who i am thinking about.

from the bottom of my heart, Asakura Jo."

And now, 6 years had flew by, yet i still see you in everything i love.

Even through a sport that i once did.

"Are y'all really friends?"

are they really?

silly an: first time writing kinda nervous, and tried to attempt a friends to lovers typa fic bcs a friend of my requested it:3 and why is the title buzz love? is it related to the fic? prolly not, js sounds cool😭

"Oh~ mama and papa are flirting again" Jia absentmindedly blurted out without tearing her eyes away from the literature assignment she's cramming, hands writing at such speed that you just know she's really cramming that thing. With a bored tone to atleast entertain herself, she casually said that out loud to get some reactions from there to satisfy her objective of annoying someone everyday, even while in a critical position such as, you know, cramming.

Meanwhile in the other hand, Kei and y/n abruptly stopped from their study session after hearing such abomination from their classmate out in the open like that where everyone can just hear it and easily misinterpret it.

well jokes on them they're already so obvious enough that even if someone said something about it, nobody would care because they're just so used of seeing these two gaslight each other they're still "friends".

So Jia saying that, it's like saying the earth is round. Or a fork is found in a kitchen. Yes, that level of obvious. And everyone, yes everyone knows about it, except the remaining two who are the center of it all.

"Jia! can't you know when to shut up?" y/n shrieked towards her silently, a panicked expression on her face as if she just said something so scandalous, when it's the most known fact around their class. And in return, Jia just looked at her with a tired and done expression of whatever overreacting y/n just did and shook her head, sighing at the same time,

"Get outta the way, I'm cramming can't you see" in the most bland tone, just giving away how trained she is when it comes to her dramatic acts as if everybody hasn't seen it yet

"of course she can't see, she can't even see that she's acting like his girlfriend all the time." Maki shamelessly jokes with an obnoxious tone loud enough that probably even the class across them could hear it, joke so lame but it got the class laughing. Not because it's funny, well maybe it is, but for the truth it got on it,

"Very damn funny, Mauss. I suggest don't joke again." y/n fought back from across the room, almost barking at Maki if she could, but all he did back was act all coy and pretend he didn't hear her and looked out of the window with that fuckass grin on his face,

clicking her teeth and scoffing, she diverted back her attention to the notebooks scattered open in front of them, annoyance still lingering on her face while trying to get back on the topic of whatever Shakespearean sonnet they're trying to study, explaining the parts of a sonnet out loud to Kei to tutor him.

While she tries shaking off the anger, Kei could only watch her in slight amusement, his eyes laced with something else despite trying to keep a straight face, chin rested on a palm as his eyes darted between her face and lips.

She eventually stopped explaining at some point, suddenly being conscious by how he's looking at her and how she's the only one speaking and suddenly felt a wave of awkwardness, for some reason..

"S-so, do you get it now?" She didn't even know why her tongue stuttered like that, why did she feel nervous for? Is it because of how his eyes explored her like that? Is it because of how unnaturally silent he is instead of the usual teases and pushing her buttons? Why?

"mhm. Very much." He nodded in acknowledgement, seemingly like he really understood whatever thing she was talking about for the past 15 minutes or so. But the way his eyes look, it gave her the chills, the good kinda chills. The ones where you feel reds tinting and coloring all over your face? that. She didn't know if she was bewitched or something, or if she was crazy. Or both.

Shaking her head to dismiss the thoughts, she exhaled and closed all of the notebooks the were displayed all over their desk and stood up to keep her things, being a little jittery in the process,

"yes-so- um we'll study again tomorrow yeah?" and he hit her once again with that simple nodding of his head and gazing at her the same way as earlier.

Just in time, the bell rang that signals lunch. She sighed so hard in relief like it just saved her from something catastrophic, again, she didn't know what she was so nervous about, and kept shrugging that thought off. But the priority was, it's lunch.

Hooking an arm over Jia's, she practically dragged her to the canteen with such force it'll make her trip

"oh- can we chill or somethin? we ain't goin run out of soup relax-"

"let's just hurry up, yeah?" she smiles at her, despite her still dragging her ass with her

"o-okay??"

"Yeah I'll text ya, bye~" Jia yelled from across the street with an arm extending upwards to wave goodbye, excitedly running to go home at last.

Meanwhile y/n, will now be going home soon. Before she could even turn to the direction where her house is, her eyes widened as she realized she was supposed to pass a late assignment of a week to Mr. Murata by the end of classes.

Running straight back into the corridors and rummaging into her locker, she almost flew by the pace she was going at to reach the 4th floor where the teachers were at, and thankfully Mr. Murata just came out right as she turned a left towards their faculty, awkwardly holding a 10 page paper assignment with a apologetic smile as he's about to clock out.

"Let's be more attentive to deadlines, shall we?" He advices, obviously too tired to scold her, before reaching for the paper from her hand and left the hallway, making his way down the stairwell with a suitcase in hand, steps slowly fading away in the meantime.

Y/n let out a sigh of relief and also frustration towards herself because how can she forget something so critical like that. It's already a week late.

She faced enough embarrassments for today, really.

She took a breath to just calm her thoughts, leaning on the wall behind her, closing her eyes and thought that everything will pass, and the sun will explode soon anyway so there's no time to worry for such things.

"Still here?" A masculine voice appeared from beside her, revealing Kei with a curious expression why is she still here after hours.

She jolted upwards, straightening herself and clearing her throat and stammered for a second,

"Oh uh- just passed a late assignment- ya know, the usual me" She chuckles nervously, reaching for her nape, scratching it in embarrassment as she admits the small mistake she did just now. Embarrassed again, after just recovering from one.

"sooooo I'll see ya tomorrow-" She bids him goodbye, quickly, to just escape the situation already and have a breath of fresh air after all this

but before she could even go further, a hand wrapped around her wrist. Not to hurt, but just firm enough to make her stay.

"wait. let me talk to you."

She stood there, nervous for what he was about to say. She already was so exhausted of the continuous events that's been going on, and her nervousness can't seem to catch a break from everything.

What could he possibly want to talk to her about at this time?

"What are we?" he asked in a serious tone, looking deep into her eyes, his face not even showing any signs of playfulness or is even joking at all. He was, really, really, asking her. And wants a genuine answer.

"what do you-"

"you know what I'm talking about. You know the talk that's been going around."

She stood there, frozen and unable to say anything back to him. Because, what is it for her to say? she can't seem to get anything out of her lips to give him the answer for his question. An answer, even she wasn't sure about either.

"I can't keep pretending that nothing is brewing between us, y/n. You know I've wanted you, yet you pretended it's not affecting me when you knew i did, all this time...."

"Please, let me show you that i love you."

And without wasting a second more, he pulled her close in an embrace, latching his lips onto hers into a kiss. A gentle, sincere action of affection, something to show and something for her to feel, that none of everything of what they had meant nothing. What felt "nothing" to her, was everything for him.

Pulling away, his eyes bores into hers, searching for a sign of rejection, or possibly hatred. He prepared himself for anything.

"Took you a while."

esse quam videri: latin, meaning "to be, rather than to seem." , serving as a timeless philosophical reminder to value authenticity over performative appearances. To prioritize genuine character and oneself, than public image.

"Just be yourself, as you have your own charm."

a present for: my dearest 𐙚 ‧₊˚ ⋅

@cursed-carmine tysm for letting me use the banners<3

in this time and age, perception and judgement will be the only two that can decide your reputation, and image by those around you. Words that slip out from others can either stain or bless you, and for words to be created, perceptions and point of views shall stand before it.

that's why, me, i, became so self conscious about everything i do. So conscious, i started to alter my true habits, my true self, and identity. After observing people as so called "angels", due to their charismatic aura and having a "life of the party" of a vibe for their ability to gain attention so quickly, i started to adapt to their personality. Mimicry, imitation, simulation, duplicate, you name it. And that's what exactly what i did. I embodied them, and acted how they're supposed to act, with a mentality of "if i act like them, I'll be loved and known too." and thought it was a good idea. Because the thought just copying the image and mannerisms of someone who is publicly known and social, I'll become just like them. Surrounded and talked to all the time. Hell, just being friends with them is already a flex. But no, it never was a good idea. As someone said to me once, "never try to blend in as you'll lose yourself.", and i should've listened.

"Who am i really?" "Is this who am i supposed to be?" "Is this really myself?" countless questions run in my mind all the time, even while i interact with them. Those voices in my head almost lost their minds in trying to communicate and warn me of the danger that i let myself into. As stubborn as i could be, ignored them anyway. Still insistent with the choice of blending in and act so alive with the people i meet, to give them an impression of myself that i, too, can also be the life of a party.

But the feeling of exhaustion eventually caught up with me. I knew it was coming, yet i still ran as if i could outrun it.

Isolation, self doubt, emotional exhaustion. Everything came at me all at once. Hurtful truths were shown to me. I may have hundreds that knew my name, but they never knew my self. Everything i have shown, was just a performance, a scene from a movie where an actor plays as a character. I grew tired of the illusion that i, was just surrounded by people, but they never knew me, acknowledged? barely. I'm just a background character, and i never was the main character who everyone loves. They only gave me a spare of their eye just because someone told them to, that, was a hard pill to swallow. I was truly alone after all. It'll only be a miracle, if someone out there truly appreciated my presence, even out of one hundred people.

Surrendering to my pain, i turned to someone whom my intuition really trusted on. Despite the shallow relationships i developed with the crowd, there were still a few gems i met who i never had a bad feeling about.

And one of them, was her.

Even before of my great spiral, she knew. Out of everyone, it was her who noticed it all. From day one, her name followed me everywhere. It appeared all the time. The attention she gives, were never selected. And accepted me fully. As someone who didn't have a figure of an elder sister my whole life, she became it. She threw the sweetest and softest words that i never knew i needed, and for it, those genuinely touched an undiscovered area in my heart.

Through her authenticity, and careless attitude towards the traditional standard of someone likeable, she showed me an image that felt real, and attainable. It doesn't require me to absorb habits as usual, as the only thing that i needed to do, was understand myself as a person, and truly play it. It didn't need me to look at complex characters that others play as, it only needed a certain amount of time and slowly accept the actual name i have.

"Who cares if there's a hundred people lay their eyes on me everyday and they secretly despise me? Who cares if i get judged by a small mistake, or how i act?" she made me ask myself this for the first time, opening a new view about the word "seen".

She made me understand that, you don't need million people to surround you and make you feel better about yourself, and to validate you. But you only need people, who are worth a million.

She made me understand, that at the end of the day, that me, I am going to be the only one who can decide that i actually matter, to them, and to others as well. She helped me realize, that I didn't need to act like someone else just for someone to love me.

She, was a constant reminder that someone will always love, cherish, and treasure me. She showed me, that someone cares, even if i didn't think so.

She inspires me to be comfortable in my own skin, that i didn't need to shapeshift just to fit in. In fact, being different is what makes us special, and stand out. If she was a saying, it'd be exactly "to be, rather than to seem.". And it's never a crime to be yourself.

And lastly, her existence and symbol in my life, is to shower me with reassurance that I'll always be enough, and will always be loved,

Being in the frame, or not.