neuroses

The meaning of life according to a 20 year old who is depressed and has very little life experience but who has been quietly observing the chaos around her and has come to the following conclusions: Sometimes when you're having a bad day you look around you and you notice that everyone looks happy, beautiful, successful and in love. And sometimes you want what they're having. So you resolve to go on that lemon detox diet, you wear that short skirt to try and get the attention of the boy you like and you stay up until 4:00am in the morning studying for finals, thinking it's your only chance at happiness. But at the end of the day, you come home and you're tired and it dawns on you: you're so hungry that you can barely think and you don't know how much longer you can keep this up, your crush is a jerk and only wants to get into your pants, and you're actually terrible at science but you get good grades because you memorise all the notes and kiss your professor's ass. You're only studying Dentistry because it's a high-paying job and people call you 'doctor', but other than that, you really don't give a shit about oral health. You think about those perfectly happy people you saw that day and all of a sudden, you feel alone and disappointed. But before you go out and get blind drunk or high (or both) and wake up in the embrace of a stranger (because that's what all of your friends do), consider this: Happiness is not having the perfect body, finding Mr Right or a six-figure income. Happiness is finishing a good book, enjoying a wholesome home-cooked meal, or running into an old friend you haven't seen in years. Happiness is transient. Along with feelings like sadness and anger, it's part of the gamut of human emotions. It's not something you can gain or work towards. People are not as perfect or as happy as you assume they are. In fact, they're going through the same ordeal as you, and if you're discontent, it's not because you're missing something that everyone else has found, it's because you're human. Stop looking for your Happy Ending. It doesn't exist. Start appreciating the seemingly insignificant moments in life.Those are moments of true happiness. And the secret to success? There is no secret. Success is not a number or a career, it's knowing who you are, your values and principles, your strengths and flaws, knowing what kind of mark you want to make in the world, knowing what inspires you and what deters you. Success is working hard to uphold all of these things without letting other people's judgement inhibit you. Perfection is a human construct. It's like infinity. You can theorise about it, you can aim for it but you can never reach it. Beauty refers to your physical appearance. Society dictates the standard of beauty and consequently, some people are deemed beautiful, other people are not. Beauty can be objective, it can also be subjective. If someone comments on how beautiful you are today, thank them and accept it for what it is: a compliment. Don't question it, don't doubt it, don't over-analyse it. They're trying to be nice, and besides, the most flattering compliment you can ever receive is not "you're beautiful" but "you've inspired me" or "you're interesting". The terms beauty and attractiveness are used interchangeably but refer to different things. What is attractive is not always beautiful, and what is beautiful is not always attractive. When people say confidence is beautiful, they really mean confidence is attractive. And countless other things can make a person attractive to another. Beauty should not be a measure of your self-worth. Neither should wealth, status or intelligence. Stop trying to measure your self-worth altogether. Every human being, every living thing is worthy. Remember that. If you think self-harm, drugs or alcohol, or doing anything wild for the adrenaline rush are a means of 'escape', remember, an 'escape' is not a cure. But you already knew that. Maybe it's time to stop looking for a quick fix and start looking for a cure. As for love, once you know who you are and aren't afraid to be exactly that, the right person will find their way into your life. Being with this person should feel like second nature. You should be able to spend three days apart without going crazy. They should not be perfect (because no one is, and if you think they are then it's an illusion) but they should be perfect for you. And they should challenge you in some way but you should go together like Yin and Yang, like Mac and Cheese.

On New Years' Eve, my friends went out and got so drunk they vomited everywhere and felt like shit. They said "it was fun". Why is it necessary to drink that much alcohol? No one ever drinks that much water in one sitting, have you noticed that? Why can't people just drink alcohol like a normal beverage? You know, it really makes me wonder, everyone was a kid once. What happened to that little boy or little girl who's idea of fun was running around, building things, destroying things, telling stories, playing make-believe? No wonder I'm depressed. I sometimes wonder if I'm really the one with the mental illness or if everyone else is just fucked in the head but don't realize it because their head is shoved all the way up their ass.

Last year, I met a new group of people at a time in my life when I was depressed and confused. I made a lot of new friends including this one guy who I couldn't stop thinking about. We would always catch each other's glances across the room, make every excuse to be physically closer but then act embarrassingly awkward and shy around each other. I'd never felt this way about another person before. But before anything had a chance to progress, I'd heard from a mutual friend that he was dating a girl in my new group of friends. They had been trying to keep their relationship low profile. Around the same time I found out, they made it official and it became apparent that they were together. I felt stupid, and I sort of hated him for having misled me. I stopped hanging out with the group partly because I anticipated that it would be awkward if his girlfriend was present and partly because I felt humiliated and wanted to get over him. But he continued to invite me out, and even surprised me on my birthday. His girlfriend also became awfully nice to me, inviting me to her birthday dinner and various outings even though she and I were never close. When my friend asked him about it, he said they had been dating on and off for a while now but they were "just good friends". He looked straight at me when he said that last part. He continues to invite me out on behalf of the group but I simply tell them I'm busy. I've stopped hanging out with them altogether. It's been about 5 months since and I thought I would be over him by now. But I'm not. He wanted me to stick around while he weighed out his options but I made a decision for him and made my exit quickly. Occasionally I wonder what would have happened if I had stuck around but mostly I’m glad I hadn’t.

Real love is hard to find, or so they say. But there are girls out there who date guy after guy after guy. For them, it's something to keep them occupied when they're bored. Sometimes I let it get to me. But it's important to remember that most of those relationships are neither meaningful nor long lasting. I do believe you can convince yourself to fall in love with anyone but to me, it should come more naturally than that? I'm a very independent and self-sufficient person and I don't believe in letting my own happiness depend on another human being. I think when I meet the right person under the right circumstances, and it feels like the most natural and obvious thing to do, then of course I will date the guy. Glad to know that there are people who understand what I'm on about. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.

I liked him before I even met him. He was my friend’s older brother. It began as friendly smiles and glances across the room, then awkward laughs, shaky hands and rapid heart beats, but it never progressed any further. He showed interest but not long after, I found out from a mutual friend that he had a girlfriend. He told me they were just friends. He wanted me to stick around while he weighed out his options but I made a decision for him and made my exit quickly. Occasionally I wonder what would have happened if I had stuck around but mostly I’m glad I hadn’t.

I have no friends. Not in real life, not even on the Internet.