carmy problem

and my biggest fear is when you disappeared, you took my soul but left my body here...

February 22, 2022

"Did you call me just to ignore me Michael?"

Your eyes darted between the open draft on your laptop screen and Mikey's face on your phone as the two of you video chatted. Mikey's silence unnerved you, hoping the question would spur an answer out of him. He'd gone eerily quiet moments ago after talking your ear off filling you in on any and everything he thought you needed to know, even the random tourist who offensively -- according to Richie's brief appearance on the call -- suggested the restaurant start serving pork sandwiches.

Mikey's silence allowed you to hear the loud raucous conversation of the kitchen drifting through the speaker, cutting through the quiet of your living room. A quiet sigh drifted through your lips as you sat the laptop on your coffee table and gave your full attention to Mikey, he either hadn't heard you or was just blatantly ignoring you.

His voice finally poured through the speaker, "You talk to Carm lately?" The side of his lips curled as his gaze locked on yours while he pretended he hadn't just ignored you for the past 5 minutes, instead swiftly changing the topic of conversation like usual.

A look of annoyance passed over your face knowing the older man never missed an opportunity to slip the question into whatever conversation the two of you were having. "Mikey…you know my answer will be the same as last week," you paused eyeing him suspiciously. "Why do you keep pushing the issue?"

Mikey shrugged on his end a gentle smile now lining his lips as his hand fiddled with something off screen, "He asks about you, ya know?"

No, you didn't know. Of all the times Mikey brought up your lack of relationship with the youngest Berzatto, -- which was often -- he never once let slip if their conversations ever involved you, instead just filling you in on Carmy's long list of accomplishments.

And anyway, whatever Carmen told Mikey in confidence was none of your business.

"Why are you telling me this?"

You tried to sound uninterested, fingers pulling at the fringe on the throw blanket you were using. But the truth was that you were curious, there wasn't a night that didn't go by where you weren't plagued with regret for the way you left things with Carmy. You felt the ache that came with missing him fill your chest now, not having seen or heard from him since that disastrous Christmas.

"Cause the both of you are acting like fucking children." Mikey's voice was harsh the irritation he was feeling clear as day as his hand moved to swipe across his face. "Sorry I just…I hate seeing you doing this to yourselves. It's obvious to everybody but you two idiots how much you still care about each other."

It was your turn to roll your eyes having heard this spiel on more than one occasion and not only from Mikey.

"I dunno, you just," he trailed off eyes focusing off to the side like he was searching for the right words. "It'll be too late someday Baby."

Mikey's words held a finality as he found your gaze again, stoic look melting away in to the brotherly concern he always looked at you with. As you allowed his words to sink in you couldn't help but feel like there was something he wasn't telling you, eyes squinting as you tried to piece together what may have been bothering him.

Your brows furrowed the longer you allowed yourself to take in his features picking back up where you left off in your study of him. It was hard to tell exactly what had changed since you'd last seen him in person during Christmas he looked perpetually tired, deep bags under his eyes and a hollowness to his cheeks you'd never seen before. The frown on your face deepened as the light in his office hit his face at a different angle his skin seeming to take on a pallid look causing you to sit up.

"Mikey are you okay?" You watched as a sense of uneasiness tugged at your gut, speaking up before he could. "You look sick…have you been sleeping well?"

You watched as Mikey waved off your concern muttering about keeping the restaurant afloat and all the stress that brought him. Before you could dig deeper and question him even more his focus was pulled to the door the exhaustion clear as day as he spoke to whoever pulled his attention off camera.

"Baby listen, I gotta go. I love you okay and please for my sanity will you just think about mending things with my idiot brother yeah?"

Mikey didn't give you a chance before the call dropped. Your lips parted in a surprise at the quickness with which he ended the call, before you sighed and flopped back on the couch.

"Yeah. love you too asshole." You gave yourself a minute to digest the conversation as your eyes flashed to the large numbers on the home screen of your phone, you could either sit there ruminating on Mikey's words and the quiet ache that not having Carmy in your life filled you with, or you could start getting ready for girls night.

The latter of the two options won out as you forced yourself off the couch. You'd call Mikey later grill him about why he wasn't taking better care of himself. And maybe this time you'd finally be on the phone long enough to tell him about your plans to move back home come August.

A soft buzz seemed to race through your bloodstream from the few cocktails you consumed, quietly humming as you finally stepped through the door of your apartment, after trying to jam the key inside the lock upside down too many times to count. Breathing in the smell of your home was an instant balm to the exhaustion you were feeling, not taking a moment longer you quickly took your heels off by the door, making sure to hang up your keys and making a beeline to the bathroom so you could wash the day away.

Your quiet hums filled the bedroom as you gathered all of your necessities, stopping to grab your phone from the clutch you'd taken and put it on the charger, having left the house with only a half full battery it was no surprise the device died before you even made it halfway through your night out.

As soon as you stepped into the bathroom you could hear your phone begin going off against the nightstand, the constant buzzing causing you to pause in the middle of removing your makeup. Once the noise stopped you continued, a yawn escaping as you rubbed the oil cleanser in your palms. Before you could even begin your routine the noise started up once more, a part of you wanted to just ignore it but once it stopped ringing it started it up almost immediately after. The small clock on the bathroom counter let you know that it was nearing two in the morning a fact you weren't even aware of until now.

Sighing as the sound started once more you throughly washed your hands, watching slightly annoyed as you washed your hard earned money down the drain. You were barely able to fully dry them off before the ringing was stopping and starting up all over again.

Moving across the room you plopped down on the bed before reaching across to grab your phone from where it rested, barely even catching Nat's name and contact photo as you answered the call.

"Nat? What are you even-" your voice trailed off as she called out to you, whatever buzz was previously flowing through your veins quickly dried up at the sound of your given name, her sudden silence unnerving you even more "Natalie what's going on?"

The raspy sob that filtered through the phone and into your ear forced you into a seated position, heart pounding in your chest at the long drawn out sound. Despite being nearly 3,000 miles away it was as though you could physically feel her pain, phone shaking against your head the longer she let out the devastating cries without saying a word to you.

"N-Nat please…take a deep breath I-I don't know what's wrong." You could tell from the way her cries rose in volume your words were doing nothing to calm her down. "I-Is…are you okay? Is it Pete d-did something happen Nat I just…let me know what's going on and I'll book a flight."

You moved to sit criss-cross applesauce, lips trembling from the anxiety this phone call was raising within you.

"Natalie ple-" a quiet near silent one-sided conversation silenced the rest of your plea, lip almost chewed to tatters from being left in the dark and full of worry. No longer able to sit still you ripped the charger out of your phone and quickly stood up pacing around the room unsure of what to do with yourself.

"Baby?" The sound of Pete's voice on the other line seemed to calm you for only a second until you heard his exhausted sigh drift through the speaker mind running a mile a minute as you tried to understand what was going on without having any information. "Baby I…I'm sorry."

Your throat felt tight as he spoke those words, you pressed your hand against your chest, trying to calm your pounding heart. As soon as Pete began speaking again his words were drowned out by your phone beeping forcing you to pull the device away from you ear, only to see that Richie was calling the sight making your stomach drop before the incoming call was sent to voicemail.

Placing the phone back to your ear you caught Pete in the middle of his sentence "…He uh I'm sorry Baby…but he's gone."

A sharp gasp slipped past your lips mind landing on the worst possible scenario as you tried to make sense of his words, you did your best to bite back on the sob crawling up your throat failing miserably as you covered your hand with your mouth in hopes of numbing the sound.

"Wh-what does that mean Pete who's gone?"

Carmy's face filled your mind the minute you asked the question, lips trembling as you tried not to break down. Your chest ached just from the thought, the effort and strain it was taking to keep yourself from completely falling apart caused your head to pound. The thought sounded pathetic, but even though you and Carmy weren't on good terms, knowing he walked the same earth as you and gazed up at the same night sky as you was a comfort. The thought of losing him forever made bile rise in your throat despite everything that you'd put each other through. You weren't sure you could take all the hurt and the pain that came with losing your Carmy. You were living without him now by choice, but having the universe strip that choice away from you was enough to send you spiraling.

Before your mind could begin racing even more Pete's words cut you off.

"Baby it's…it's Mikey."

March 1, 2022

The rain rhythmically bounced off the umbrella in Richie’s hand. Both of you huddled under the slightly too-small object, the majority of your bodies dry, but each of you felt your fair share of water land squarely on your shoulders. The child in front of you, dry as a desert, her small stature an advantage.

All that could be heard was nature's tears singing against the various umbrellas and the voice of the priest that seemed to drone on and on.

Donna’s cries had been relegated to silent sobs just moments ago, you watched as Nat put her hurt and discomfort aside to assuage her mother's nerves.

You had all but ignored the empty seat situated next to Natalie, not wanting to believe the truth of the situation. As you stared at the coffin resting several feet in front of you, you couldn’t help but wonder what the cold lifeless body lying inside looked like. You knew there was only so much that could be done to make a body with a hole in its head presentable, and that a closed-casket funeral was for the best.

It was selfish, but you wanted one last look at Mikey. Did he look peaceful? Was he finally freed from the vices that had for so long controlled him? You so hoped that wherever he was, wherever his soul found its spiritual comforts, he was at peace.

A tug on the sleeve of your coat drew your attention. Looking down your eyes met Eva's, the little girl insisted on standing with you, her small toddler hand securely wrapped in your larger one. It felt a little odd to be standing here like this, a buffer between a family that was no more, while also serving as the memory of one family’s missing piece.

She raised her arms in a signal to be picked up. Funerals were no place for children to be, but what good was lying to them about the realities of life? You gently lifted her into your arms sitting her on your hip comfortably. Eva’s small head rested against yours playing with the pearls around your neck, the small girl could only understand so much of what was going on around her.

You felt Tiff step closer to you, arm wrapping around your waist so she leaned into Eva’s back. The comfort of the small family surrounding you helped keep you grounded to the moment in front of you, not allowing your mind to think of the pain Mikey must’ve been in, or the way your own mind betrayed you, made you think if you had only paid more attention, forced him to come clean to you during that last phone call; then maybe he'd still be here.

Funerals were a funny thing for you, the last one you attended was your mom’s. And it wasn’t a competition, but her death was easier. That’s the thing with terminal illness; death is inevitable. You would never be prepared for any death in your life, but it was a bit easier knowing your mom didn’t have a fighting chance. Her decision to leave this realm behind was harder, but knowing her passing was painless and of her own volition helped.

But Mikey’s death was different. It was sudden, unexpected, and messy and it wasn’t the death Michael deserved. But what made it all the worse for you is that he was utterly and terribly alone.

The feeling of Eva's warm breath against the exposed skin of your neck pulled you from your thoughts, but it wasn't enough to shut out the voice of your subconscious or the way your mind raced with thoughts that in some way you couldn't logically explain; that it was your fault Michael Berzatto no longer walked this earth.

You knew it was irrational, but the human brain was a feeble thing.

Standing at the cemetery as the funeral continued, even with little Eva cuddling into you and Tiff and Richie surrounding you; you couldn’t help but let your mind wander to all the things you could’ve done to save Mikey from himself.

Eva was asleep against your chest as you finally made your way to the fresh grave, Tiff in front of you and Richie closely behind doing his best to cover your small group with the umbrella. The rain hadn’t let up as you raised your dirt-filled hand over the pristine casket, this didn’t feel right at all. You hadn't cried since Pete broke the news to you over the phone only days ago, it felt as though you were numb to the truth. Maybe it was your mind's way of protecting you.

But as long as the casket remained closed, and you never got one last peek at the man who had taught you that you deserved more than what you settled for, you could pretend for just a little longer that none of this was real.

Releasing your grip on the dirt you watched as it splashed across the top of the casket mixing with the droplets of rain. You hesitated for a minute, turning your back on this casket felt too final, like leaving this cemetery would be closing a door in your life you were desperate to keep open.

Richie’s free hand came up to your shoulder, a soft squeeze pressed into your jacket. You looked back at him, the same hurt and pain you were feeling reflected on his face. He gave you a small nod as a way to let you know that it was okay to walk away, that he understood the hurt you were feeling.

You held Eva in one hand and allowed Richie to grip your other. The warm grasp of his hand gave you the strength to turn your back and walk away from a man whose love, charisma, and smile you would never be blessed to see or experience again.

The Beef was exactly as you remembered it, which wasn't saying much considering the last time you were here was a little over three months ago. When the snow was falling from the sky in droves and sticking to the ground with a vengeance, when the little family you made for yourself was gathered around Nat and Pete's living room celebrating the holidays without a worry in the world.

It was eerily silent, too quiet for your liking. Growing up here there always seemed to be a constant cacophony of noise, the restaurant never ever truly quiet as workers and customers alike bustled around as though taking a beat would throw the world off kilter. It was foolish to personify the building, pretend it understood Mikey was gone but the atmosphere felt heavier as though plagued by the loss of a loved one.

Your heels were the only sound as you slowly sauntered around the building eyes catching on all the spots that drew forth some type of memory within. You weren't supposed to be here, not really. The funeral party had all ventured back to the Berzatto family home for Mikey's wake, and while you had followed with, after a mere 30 minutes you selfishly decided you couldn't take it, couldn't come to terms with the fact that everyone accepted Mikey's passing like a universal truth when it still didn't even feel real to you.

With everyone so caught up in their grief it was easy to disappear between the muted shades of gray and black, slip out of the door and sit at the nearest bus station you used to frequent before you and Carmy were old enough to drive yourselves around. You had no destination in mind as you took your seat on the bus but it was as though your body without the help of your brain, knew to get off at the stop a block away from The Beef. Feet then leading you somewhere you hadn't realized you wanted to be.

And now here you were, wandering around with no sense of direction instead letting your limbs guide you in whatever direction felt right. Your shoulders tensed as you stopped outside the office, the door was ajar and you hesitantly reached out to push it open fully. A tremor raced through your arm as your hand settled against the doorknob, it finally seemed to sink in as you stood there, you were just centimeters away from the last spot you'd seen Mikey alive, breathing and talking about life as though he planned to live forever.

You drew a shaky breath in as you let the thought linger, it was the one question that'd been circling your mind since finding out the news all those days ago. Your bottom lip trembled, hand dropping from the door only to press into your aching chest as you let the thought consume you.

Did Mikey plan this? He had to if he already had the gun right? How long had he been planning this for?

Your body shook as your resolve faltered, sobs ripping through your chest and knees going weak as you unceremoniously dropped into a squat before the bones were digging into the dirty linoleum floor as you curled into yourself. Pressure began forming at the front of your skull as you struggled to gulp down breaths vision blurry as reality seemed to finally begin setting in for you.

It was a selfish thought and you hated yourself even more for the way you were making Mikey's death all about you. Some people likely hadn't even got the chance to see or speak with him before he chose his fate, and here you were wallowing in your self-pity tears and snot covering your face as your body began involuntarily retching, hands now covered in the microscopic particles of dust and dirt on the floor as you kneeled on all fours trying to expel this wretched feeling from your body.

You would choose the silence over this, over the sound of your pained cries reverberating off the restaurant walls and filling your ears like a broken record. It was becoming too much your sobs mixed with the retching now making it nearly impossible to gulp down any air, the lack of oxygen only making the ache behind your skull worse. Your vision continued blurring, whether from the tears or the growing headache you couldn't be sure but you wished it would all just stop, the guilt your subconscious kept pushing to the front of your mind, the way your body shook as it fought to gain back control, and the too loud sound of your cries. You seemed incapable of birthing coherent thoughts, hands once bracing you on the floor quickly shooting to cover your ears in search of a bit respite, body bowing in on itself even more, forehead coming to rest against the cold floor harsher than you had meant for it to in search of reprieve.

None of it helped, not with the way your hands shook against your ears barely shutting out the obnoxious sound of your cries. The cold linoleum against your head brought little comfort and if you were in your right mind you would've realized how unsanitary a position you were in. Your throat and chest burned as your body fought to get enough oxygen to your brain, in the back of your mind you knew the near fetal position you were in wasn't doing anything to help your case, but you couldn't even comprehend the thought of forcing your body into an upright position.

Before you could finally let yourself succumb to whatever was happening to you, black slacks and a dress shoe entered your peripheral vision, a muffled sob cutting through the cage your hands made around your ears, body burrowing itself further into the floor.

You weren't sure how Richie figured out where you were, but you couldn't allow him to see you like this, like a broken child struggling to regulate their motions in a time of grief. You kept your head down, eyes focused on the shoe as the wearer moved into a squatted position.

A moment later calloused hands were gently gripping your cheeks, forcing you to come face to face with the reality that Richie wasn't the figure in front of you, instead your were looking into Carmen Berzatto's frightened baby blues as he watched you fall apart in a way that was all too familiar to him.

There was a split second of hesitation on his part, but as your body struggled to suck in another breath eyes blinking up at him in a confused cry for help, he moved without preamble. One of his hands moved to rest on the back of your head as he forced your body into his, the awkward tangle of you bodies the last thing on his mind as he swallowed his worry, free hand now moving to stroke your back as he worked to comfort a woman he no longer had the privilege of knowing.

"Baby I-I need you to calm down yeah?" Your buried your head further into his chest hands shakily moving from shielding your ears meeting the fabric of his jacket in the hope that feeling even more of him would help to ground you. "I uh need you to breathe for me okay?"

Carmy's platitudes weren't helping and you were sure he knew that as he gently peeled away from you panic clear on his face as he watched you unknowingly prolong your suffering.

"Uh okay uh fuck!" You flinched away from him at the shout his growing panic doing nothing but making you feel even more untethered from reality. "Shit, m'sorry I just…s-stand-up maybe yeah?"

There was no room for argument before he was pushing himself up, gently pulling you along with him. You waited for further instruction as you stood opposite him, only to watch as he ran a hand through his hair eyes darting around the restaurant like the answer to your problems were written in invisible ink on the walls.

Not more than a second later did his eyes light up and he was moving back into your space, no words to explain what he was doing as he gripped your forearms and tried to move them. Unable to speak you looked at him in growing confusion trying and failing to understand what he wanted from you in this moment, body tensed in panic as you searched his eyes for help you didn't realize he was actually trying to provide.

"I need you to trust me on this Baby."

Before you could even try to nod in agreement he was raising your arms up before placing your hands behind your head, the movement forcing your eyes to widen as you tried to figure out what the hell was going through his mind.

Seconds later his hands were back on your cheeks eyes locked on your wild ones.

"You uh, you remember when we played peewee soccer growing up?" Your look of panicked confusion forced a curse out of him, eyes darting around your face as he worked to finish his explanation. "O-okay well I remember uh this one game we were playing you know and I-I used to just follow you around the field b-but there was this one game you got subbed out and I didn't know what the hell I was doing but one of the other kids kicked me in the chest with the ball and i-it fucking winded me so bad I thought I was dying an-."

Your anguished cry interrupted his long winded explanation and Carmy knew by the scared look you were giving him there were a few seconds left until he lost you once again to the panic of your mind.

"Shit okay th-that doesn't matter just breathe okay can you do that for me please Baby?" Carmy knew he was probably only making your situation worse but he didn't know how to help you, not when finding you in the same position he himself had been in too many times to count scared the shit out of him. He thumbs unconsciously swept back and forth across your cheeks needing you to be okay.

"Just uh focus on my breathing okay? I can't…" He trailed off forcing his own fear down to help you.

Carmy had no clue what he was doing, all he knew was that he needed you to be alright. His own panic was beginning to fester the longer he watched you struggle and thought it wasn't instantaneous, after several seconds of trial and error, the sound of you gasping down a breath settled his racing heart quicker than he thought possible.

He knew he should've given you more time to recover but he was pulling you back against his chest before he could even think better of it. One hand keeping you trapped against his body as it settled protectively around your waist and the other moved to press into your back, needing to feel the way your diaphragm moved up and down the every breath of oxygen you sucked down helping to alleviate the fear seeing you so broken and afraid had created inside of him.

Carmy felt the moment your whole body relaxed against him, arms slowly falling from where he'd positioned them and wrapping around his neck pulling him impossibly closer to you. A shuddered breath escaped him as your breaths ghosted across his neck, one hand tangling in his hair as the two of you held onto each other for dear life.

Neither of you made a move to untangle yourselves from the embrace, instead using this moment to share in your grief and lean on each other, regardless of the glaring lack of relationship the two of you shared.

At some point Camry's hand gently skated up your back before delicately gripping your neck, a growing need for skin on skin contact he couldn't quite explain. Your sniffles echoed in his ears and if you weren't so close he might have missed the quiet whisper of your voice as you finally spoke up.

"I-I thought it was you," your body shook in Carmy's arms and he did his best to pull you closer uncaring that you were already pressed flush against him. "I'm so sorry Carm."

He didn't need you to explain what you meant by that or why you were apologizing, the admission enough for his own emotions to begin spilling over as he pressed his face into the side of your head, taking a deep breath of the fragrance you wore. A sentence formed on his tongue and Carmy struggled to force the words out of his mouth overwhelmed by all the feelings he had always struggled to express. But as he held you in his arms for the first time in years, he hoped you understood what he was trying to say.

Because when he finally answered Nat's phone call in the kitchen that night, as horrible as it sounded now, his first thought was you.

Despite the cool air drifting around The Beef the bare skin of your thigh stuck to the plastic chair, the slimy feeling between your skin and chair letting you know sweat was beginning to accumulate where the two objects met. The rain had started up once more, heavy sheets of it bouncing off the buildings facade as your eyes burned holes into the arcade games in the dining area where you were seated.

One arm sat pressed against your waist, a measly form of protection as your free hand rolled the pearls of the necklace that once belonged to your mother between your fingers. A terrible ache had made its home in your chest, the longer you sat in this mausoleum of memories the deeper it seemed to grow, a void now being fed by your grief and sadness waiting to swallow you whole at any second.

The sight of a cup of water entering your vision pulled you from your reverie, eyes slowly tracing up the tattooed hand, to the dress shirt clad arm before your eyes settled on the loosened tie and chain peeking through the few undone buttons. When you finally forced yourself to meet Carmy's gaze you tried not to let your embarrassment show, instead giving him a tired smile too exhausted to pretend you were anywhere near alright.

"You know I uh…haven't been in this place in years." Carmy made the remark as he sat down in the chair across from you, hand moving to gently nudge the cup in your direction.

You sighed reaching out to clasp the plastic between your hands. A tense silence settled over the table, you unsure how to respond to Carm's attempt to start a conversation, and the man across from you not offering up anything else.

"Does that…that happen to you a lot?"

At Carmy's question you drew in a sharp breath, eyes watering while you pulled your bottom lip between your teeth to tame the trembling hoping doing so would also stop the onslaught of tears gathering at your waterline. All you wanted in this moment was to bury yourself under a pile of covers and not get out of bed for the next couple of days.

"Carmy," you paused trying to clear the scratchiness from your voice, eyes locking on his cutting through the distance between you, before darting to his dress shirt and asking your question. "Why…why weren't you there Carm?"

The silence was back and although Carmy's gaze was directed at you, you could tell you'd lost him to his mind by the way his eyes glazed over, fingers unconsciously rubbing against the table top. You took the moment to finally take a sip of the water he'd brought you, a feeling of gratefulness washing over you from the kindness he'd shown you without needing to.

"I didn't know." Carmy's eyes bored into you, focused on your face but still somehow unseeing, your silence an open invitation for him to continue without interruption "He was my fucking brother you know and I…I-I didn't even know he was fucking using, didn't know how bad shit was for him. He's the oldest right and I just…it was like fucking mystical right like I dunno. I always just thought Mikey was invincible."

A quiet sigh slipped past your lips, hand gently pushing the water cup in Carmy's direction foot nudging his under the table and urging him to take a drink. The corner of his lips ticked up before he was reaching out, hand brushing against yours doing the trade off.

"But he just he fucking shot himself in the head right, no…no note, no phone call no nothing." You fidgeted in your seat, mind going back to that morning as even more guilt spread through you, the idea that you had stolen one of Mikey's last moments from Carmy taking root in your already fucked up psyche. "He just…he just fucking cut me off one day a-and we lost all this time and now he's just…he's gone."

Carmy's voice sounded distant like he couldn't even believe his own words, as though the two of you were just chopping it up about a reality that wasn't your own.

Your hand pressed against your chest, hoping to temper the ache that now lived there before moving to cover your mouth forcing down the bile fighting to make an appearance. The pressure at the base of your skull began throbbing once more mind nearing the precipice of another spiral as your mind raced with your last conversation with Mikey, they way he spoke as though he was in constant contact with Carmy.

For a moment you contemplated if letting Carmy know you spoke to Mikey on the day he took his own life was the right thing to do.

Would it give him a sense of comfort knowing that Mikey was thinking of his little brother's happiness during one of his last days on earth? Or would doing so be selfish and just further drive a wedge between the two of you until your relationship was nothing more than a memory haunting you as you searched for sleep.

Warm pressure on your hand made you flinch, eyes rapidly blinking the tears away only to find Carmy's hand settled against yours, concern clear as day on his face as his worried gaze darted around your features.

"How," you cleared your throat mouth dry from minutes without speaking. "How long are you in town for?"

You watched as his concern turned to confusion, free hand moving to run through his hair as he took a minute to consider your question.

"Uh flight leaves day after tomorrow, so…two days I guess."

A nod was your only response before you were sending him a forced smile and rising from your seat, pushing the chair back under the table and grabbing the cup of water while heading toward the kitchen. You tossed the water out in the sink before quickly making sure everything else was in order nearly bumping into to Carmy as he rounded the corner.

"Did you drive here?" Carmy didn't answer, only pulled a set of keys out of the pocket of his slacks which you easily grabbed from his hands before walking around him to pick up your jacket and head for the exit.

You could hear his footsteps growing closer as he struggled to catch up with you, before slipping out the back door behind you and watching in silence while you locked the restaurant up a million questions running through his head each ranging from concern for your wellbeing to curiosity about this mission you suddenly seemed determined to accomplish.

"Baby I-" Whatever words were on the cusp of leaving Carmy's mouth were cut off as you spoke up.

"Do you trust me Carmy?"

In all honesty he was inclined to say no as he thought back to the panic attack he was sure he'd caught you in the middle of having along with your tear stained face and swollen eyes. But instead he offered you a subtle nod before slipping into the passenger seat, a part of him appreciative for the distraction you were offering.

Carmy shouldn't have trusted you.

That thought became abundantly clear as you drove through the cemetery gates, eyes a bit too focused on the road in front of you in an effort to ignore the sharp gaze he was leveling at the side of your head.

And now here the two of you were, standing before Mikey's fresh grave as rain drizzled from the sky, his adam's apple bobbed up and down as he worked to swallow the slight frustration he felt as he stared down at the tightly packed dirt.

Carmy was roused from his thoughts as you took a step closer to him fingers gently reaching out for his before you were tangling your hands together. His eyes darted to the side of you face, heart beating just a bit faster as he traced the way the moonlight cast a shadow across it, only to be filled with despair as he caught sight of the fresh tear tracks.

"I know…I know it doesn't matter coming from me, but he loved you Carmy…so much." He watched in silence as you glanced at him momentarily before you gaze settled back on the dirt. "Every time we spoke over the phone or I was in town for the holidays he made sure to let me know just how well you were doing."

"And he was always so fucking smug about it."

You watery laughter drew one out of Carmy as well, and it wasn't just because of the truth in your words.

"I remember it was my third semester of college I had just transferred to Stanford, was working to adjust to a whole new time zone with no family around me. And I…when I got too homesick I would call someone here just for reassurance I guess." Carmy listened, your voice helping him to feel more at ease, fingers gently squeezing yours to let you know he wanted you to continue. "This one day it was just really rough and so I called Mikey you know he helped calmed me down, told me I wouldn't be there if I wasn't smart enough and like always it worked."

"And then you know what he says to me Carm?" He shook his head despite knowing it was a rhetorical question. "He goes 'Bet you Carmy wouldn't let the pressure get to him, you know being named Food and Wine's Best New Chef' and my immediate reaction was just like what the actual fuck Michael."

Warmness bloomed in Carmy's chest as your quiet laughter sang through the night, thumb beginning to caress the back of your hand as he listened.

"I called him because I was sad and lonely and he took the first opportunity he found to brag about you Carmy," you smiled at him, eyes glazed over with tears as you turned into his space free hand now wrapping around his arm as you hugged yourself to him. "I remember pretending to be annoyed when he sent me the article and the pictures of the dishes you sent him, but for a long time he was one of the only connections to you I still had left and I don't wanna give him too much credit but I think…I think by giving me these reminders of you and of home he thought he was helping and in a way I think it did."

Carmy tried not to let the surprise show on his face following your admission and the anecdote you offered up for him. But he'd be lying if he said the truth you shared with him didn't bring him some sort of comfort.

"And Carm I," he watched as you hesitated, once bright eyes dimming as you contemplated your next words. "I can't tell you why Mikey didn't want you working at The Beef, or why it was so difficult for him to let you know how much you meant to him or why he didn't call or leave a letter. But I do know that he loved you so much and he was proud of you."

"I guess," Carmy watched as the smile slowly slipped from your face, replaced with a harrowing look of sadness that seemed to resinate with him. "We'll never be able to understand why Mikey did anything he did, and it's okay with you to be upset with him for these things it's…it's human Carm. Look I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore or whether I'm trying to help you feel better or myself but just maybe take a moment, yeah? Just talk to him or don't I have no idea if it'll help but it doesn't hurt to try."

There was no room for argument before you were slipping out of Carmy's grip and heading towards his rental car like a wraith in the night. He watched you disappear silence settling over him as he waited for you to make it to safety, frown pulling at his eyebrows as you chose to stand in the cold as opposed to sitting in the car.

A moment passed before Carmy was turning back to the grave, eyes focusing on the soft mound of dirt that now encased his older brother's final resting place. A myriad of questions rushed to the forefront of his mind, but what good would they do to ask if he couldn't get the response he felt he deserved.

The drizzle was beginning to pick up once more, rain now falling harshly against his scalp forcing his curls to flatten against his head, some of the longer pieces even sticking to the side of his face. The longer he stood there, the angrier he felt as he watched the soil dampen, a sad sick part of him wondering what it would be like to drop down to his hands and knees, dig Mikey's body up and force the corpse to answer his queries. The morbidity of it all made him feel insane a humorless laugh pushed through his lips while he wiped a hand across his face, unsure if the wetness he felt by his eyes were a symptom of his tears or the rain.

Standing there Carmy tried to think back to the last time he spoke with his brother and as much as he didn't want to admit it, he couldn't remember. Guilt took hold of him as he allowed himself to digest the truth had it been a year or two, maybe even longer. As he wracked his brain to try and think of any form of contact between the two of them he was shaken by the sudden thought that in the years since he'd last heard his brother's voice he'd forgotten the timbre of it or what his laugh sounded like. And the only memory of Mikey's face that his minds eye could create all came from various still images of the man he'd seen, would not having seen Mikey in person for a number of years make him forget what his brother actually looked like?

His mind ran rampant with all the things he'd forgotten and all the things he would never know about his older brother. If the two of them had stayed in contact would he have been able to help Mikey? Would he have picked up on his brother's deteriorating mental health and not been so caught up in his need to punish Mikey by pushing him away and proving to the older man that he wasn't a fuck up, wasn't just his stupid kid brother who only searched for Mikey's love and acceptance in everything he did? If he had been given the chance could he have been a better brother? No actually, why didn't he take the chance to be a better brother?

Carmy hadn't realized he was spiraling into the deep recesses of his mind until your hand pressed against his where it rubbed circles into his chest and he was struggling to hear your voice over the downpour and clap of thunder that followed along with it.

"Carm hey, c'mon look at me," Carmy's wild eyes flashed to yours, wishing you weren't looking at him with such pity in that moment, wishing for the godawful pain in his chest that he was so used to dealing with to just go away. "I-I'm sorry Carm, I didn't mean for this to happen. C'mon, lets get out of this rain."

He nodded numbly to your words ignoring the soft sad smile you offered him before doing his best to temper his breathing as he followed closely behind you, entangling his fingers with yours as you led him to the car. Carmy felt useless as you opened the passenger door for him, gently ushering him into the safety of the car before he watched your silhouette round the front of the vehicle and then slip into the driver's seat.

Aside from the thunderstorm happening outside and the sound of rain pelting against the exterior of the car, and the influx of deep breathes you and Carmy were both taking, all else was silent. It was as though entering the car had sucked the both of you into the alternate universe of your minds, each of you swallowed whole by guilt ridden stories of 'what if' that your grief addled minds kept thrusting forth one after the other, neither of you the least bit sure how to come to terms with your new reality.

Another clap of thunder finally pulled you from your reverie, body jumping from the way the noise seemed to sake the car's windows. Blinking to clear your gaze, you slowly turned your head in Carmy's direction as if just remembering where you were and how you spent your day. The corner of your lips tugged into a sad smile while you let your gaze wander around his face, taking in just how calm he looked with his head pressed into the headrest, eyes closed but still fluttering just enough to let you know he wasn't asleep.

Letting your gaze skate past his face you looked out the window, sleets of rain falling to hard to be able to see past the headstones standing in the way and focus on the plot where Mikey now laid. Your body seemed to deflate against the seat eyes dry with no tears left to cry.

For the second time in one day you were turning your back on Mikey leaving him to rot in this cemetery and despite you knowing it's where he belonged now, that deep sense of betrayal wormed its way back deep into your bones as you forced your gaze forward and turned the key in the ignition, one last deep breath racing past your lips while you put the car in drive before peeling away from Mikey in his final resting place, alone in a cold damp box six feet underground.

please my love do not fret the aiekoy rewrite will be here forever because i have committment issues and can't seem to finish what i start.

and that was a perfect segway into s4 of the bear, beacuse carmy seems to suffer from that problem as well.

worms was definitely my favorite episode of the season, i love character driven episodes and i love syd and ugh not notes pure perfection.

goodbye was definitely a close second because i loved the staging of it and the one continuous conversation paired with the singular setting and shot just wow and that was definitely a conversation that deserved a full episode.

and don't even get me started on the wedding episode, it has inspired so much material it's crazy.

also someone in that writers room is in my fucking head i swear (whatever god you do or don't bellieve in) as my witness that I HAD A WEDDING SCENE PLANNED AND AN UNDER THE TABLE SCENE PLANNED! granted they were both for a richie fic but that doesn't matter!!

but i digress overall, i really did love this season and i know everyone is kind of over the show and say it's not the same as season 1 (which like obviously) but idk it just holds a special place in my heart like i love it so much i've been on the hunt for physical copies.

if i had it my way, i'd be kinder than you...

A slightly numb feeling was beginning to engulf the right side of your face, you were positive that if you removed the bag of frozen peas from your eye it would have been swollen shut. A headache was beginning to form, and you weren't sure if it was from the harsh hits you took at the party or because you were still trying to come to terms with the hurtful words Carmy leveled against you just minutes ago.

Whichever it was you wished it would just go away.

The aching in your face seemed to increase tenfold as you began sniffling, willing yourself not to cry because not only were you not in the mood to waste anymore tears on Carmen Berzatto, you also knew it would hurt like hell. You reached up ready to to wipe your face of the lone tear that betrayed you, only to stop at the smears of blood decorating your palm and arms.

It could've been yours, maybe Carmy's, hell it might've been one of the idiots from the party all you knew was that it made you sick to look at. And if it wasn't for Claire's strict instructions not to move from your seat on the edge of the tub, you would've already been locked away in the comforting embrace of a too hot shower.

Your gaze flickered to your wrist, chest aching even more at the lack of charm bracelet wrapped around it, Mikey's graduation gift to you probably in a heap of broken metal at a house you never wanted to think about again. The 'B' pendant and the specially made miniature 'Brother Bear' totem on it likely lost to you forever.

A gentle touch to your shoulder pulled you from your reverie, good eye flickering up to spot Claire, a small strained smile on her face as she stared down at you.

"Your mom helped me find the first aid kit." You nodded at her words not really comprehending much of what she said, too lost trying to understand how the night ended up like this.

The atmosphere in the bathroom was tense, and you were sure many factors played into it. But namely the fact that Claire had a front row seat to the verbal beating Carmy handed you.

You winced as the alcohol soaked cotton ball in Claire's hand made contact with the cut on your lip, unaware the it had even split before speaking up, "Why are you helping me? I lied to you about my feelings for…for him," irritation filled you at not even being able to say his name out loud. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

A defeated sigh left Claire's lips as she stopped her movements, the pity clear in her eyes as she met your good one. "It's been longer than 15 minutes." Her words were punctuated by her fingers prying the defrosting peas away from your face, no fight left in you to stop her.

Her reaction could have been worse as a worried frown pulled at her brows upon seeing your full face and given the fact that you could still make out her features through your aching eye made you think it wasn't all that bad.

"You don't have to help me just because you feel bad for me." You knew the bite in your tone was unnecessary considering she could've left you to fend for yourself, but you hated the way her soft doe eyes made you feel ashamed.

"I don't." There was a finality in her tone as she spoke, Claire gave you one last look a silent question to determine if you were going to continue making her job difficult, before she continued her ministrations.

Claire worked in silence as she surveyed the cuts and marks she knew would form into bruises by morning, the worst of your wounds being the knot that was slowly continuing to balloon above your eye, likely only an hour left before you lost sight in your right eye to the swelling.

The silence was beginning to eat away at you and while you could tell Claire was content in her element, you couldn't help but to speak up. If everyone else was sharing their truths tonight, what was to stop you from doing so.

"I'm sorry," the words were half-assed at best as you cleared your throat to continue your apology knowing she deserved more than that. "What I did was selfish a-and I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I…I should've been honest with you that night at prom I just…I didn't want to ruin things for him but I knew what we we're doing was wrong and I…I really am sorry for hurting you Claire."

Quiet sniffling filled the bathroom as you finally focused your gaze on Claire taking in how intently she was looking at you as you forced yourself not to cry, not wanting it to seem like you were the one who needed comfort after you betrayed her.

"And I really appreciate you being here for me right now, a-and I know that it's even selfish of me to be asking this of you b-but I would really like for us to be friends i-if your open to it. No lies between us…just a fresh start."

Claire's gaze bore into you, eyes slightly narrowed as they darted around your face. It felt like an eternity as you sat there waiting for her to respond, but it wasn't like she owed you anything.

"Is now a bad time to ask if he's a good kisser?"

Your left eye widened at the question, watching as the small teasing smile lined her lips before she was knocking her knee into yours, "Laugh Baby, it was a joke." Her smile grew as you let out a disbelieving chuckle surprised at her reaction.

She tossed the blood stained cotton ball in the trash before reaching into the first aid kit for ointment, exhaling a quiet sigh as she opened the tube of medicine.

"Thank you for apologizing I appreciate it," a small smile punctuated her words while she began gently smoothing the cream over the cut on your lip. "I don't think I was ever really mad at you though, I just…when Carmy told me about the kiss I was almost…relieved I guess."

You frowned trying to speak up but earning a stern look from Claire as she continued her efforts.

"The weeks I spent getting to know Carmy made me realize that I'd always be in competition with you. And that wasn't your fault I took notice of how you distanced yourself from him so I could try and make space in his life. But I…I think I knew ya know, even before I asked you how you felt about him at prom, or well…at least I thought I did."

An apologetic smile lined her lips neither of you needing to voice any words to know she was talking about Carmy's recent display of how he felt towards you.

"Anyway what I learned tonight though, is that boys are literally the stupidest beings on earth and also that you're a total badass," you rolled your eyes at her words listening as her giggles echoed around the bathroom. "I'm serious Baby those idiots are so lucky Hayden stepped in when he did, else you'd be a cute little jailbird right now."

You laughed along with her, only stopping long enough to spot the tall figure standing in the bathroom doorway.

"Don't worry though I woulda bailed you out, courtesy of mommy and daddy's bank account." The smile on his face didn't reach his eyes and you could still see a glimmer of anger in them as you searched his face. "Speaking of lovely parents your mom has so generously offered me the guest bedroom as well as a very stern talking to for my proclivities to indulge in my baser instincts."

A warmth filled you as you looked between Hayden and Claire, the bathroom so quiet at this point that you could hear your mom's humming as she shuffled around the kitchen.

"Movie night then?"

You watched Hayden light up as he stood to his full height a smile lining his features as he reached out for Claire's hand. "Of course, just gonna walk Claire home so she can pick up some of her belongings, while you wash away all of…that." A flourish of his free hand let you know he was referencing the blood and grime caked on your skin.

"Oh uh I don't want to impose really-,"

You cut Claire off, speaking up to stop her rambling, "Claire I'm not going to force you to come back but I mean…look at me do I look like I deserve to be left alone with Hayden?" You did your best to give the two teens in front of you a pout, sure you looked absolutely ridiculous, swollen lip flapping over and only one good eye. "And I know its summer but my mom makes the best hot chocolate and you'd just be missing out." You shrugged sending her a light smile extending the olive branch even further to let her know you were serious about a future friendship between you two.

"Yeah she's like a cocoa connoisseur." Hayden wiggled his eyebrows hoping to persuade the girl, knowing you needed all the support you could get at the moment.

The once small smile on Claire's face grew, happy to finally be apart of something without feeling like an outsider, although she wished it happened on better terms. The three of you exchanged temporary goodbyes, Hayden momentarily taking Claire's place to pull you into a tight hug, lips leaving behind a promise on your forehead as he kissed you hoping you understood what he was trying to convey.

With one last hesitant look he gave you a small smile before closing the door as they exited.

Your shoulders seemed to deflate almost instantly, lips trembling as the weight of all the hurt and pain slammed into you all at once. Hand quickly raising to cover your mouth so not to alert your mom as sobs rubbed your throat raw on their way up. Knowing the shield of your palm would never be enough you switched on the shower as tears blurred your vision the wetness on your cheeks mixing with the ointment and metallic taste of blood as the cut on your lip in the process of scabbing over freshly tore open.

A deep ache made its home in the pit of your stomach as you forced yourself into the shower. The water mixing with your tears and the grime as you watched every last bit of it circle the drain, headache increasing by the minute while you tried to calm your heaving breaths.

Every moment leading up to the house party played in your mind, as you worked to figure out what you did wrong.

But maybe Carmen Berzatto's suppressed hatred for you had just grown to be too much and here you were suffering because of it.

6 Hours Earlier

The soft warm smile Carmy saved just for you slowly slipped from his lips as you looked in his direction when he entered The Beef, the blank almost emotionless stare you returned seemed to be the only reaction he'd gotten from you for the past month. No more wide bright grins or warm hugs whenever he was in your presence, instead now all he was allotted was a look of disinterest and non committal hums with the occasional head nod when the two of you were alone and he tried to initiate conversation.

And it was no one's fault but his own, the conversation you overheard on prom night deepened the fissure in the already cracked foundation of your friendship, pair that with the fact that aside from your attitude you were acting as though nothing happened, as if those 30 minutes when you two found yourselves lost in each other meant nothing.

With just a few days until Carmy left for California he knew he didn't want to leave his relationship with you in tatters, but he wasn't sure how to make things right. Your tear stained face seemed to haunt his memories whenever he laid awake thinking of how to own up to his mistakes, to be a better person and a better friend to you overall.

If you even still wanted him in your life.

Carmy maneuvered to sit on a stool by the window as he waited for you to clock off, mind racing with all the ways he might be able to get you to forgive him. The sound of the bell above the door jingling and raucous laughter pulled his attention to the group of teens entering the establishment, a few of them he recognized from school.

He watched in silence as they spoke amongst themselves, all huddled up eyes drifting toward your figure behind the cash register as they began to clap one of the guys on the back before sending him in your direction. Before the guy even opened his mouth Carmy was sure he didn't care for the kid, eyes dating between him and his group of muscle heads standing off to the side and cackling like hyenas.

Carmy watched with narrowed eyes arms crossing over his chest as he the scene began play out in front of him, gut clenching in disgust as he watched the guy lean against the counter, perfect pearly white smile directed at you as he grabbed your attention.

"If I knew such a pretty girl manned the register here I might've stopped in a long time ago." Carmy scoffed at the line, a sense of pride filling him at the sight of you rolling your eyes. "Alright I'll admit that was a bit much…but uh gotta be honest your whole demeanor kinda makes me nervous. S'why I never talked to you in school."

Carmy listened as a tired huff left your lips, "I'm sorry, who are you again?"

Satisfaction washed over Carmy as he watched the teen's confidence flounder, head turning over his shoulder to find his friends snickering at him.

"Uh…Eli…Elliot Delgado you tutored me Sophomore year."

The way your eyes darted to the clock on the wall proved to Carmy that you were seconds away from putting Elliot out of his misery, but then your gaze flickered in his direction catching the way he wore a frown of frustration as he stared between the two of you, a glimmer of something lighting up your eyes as you turned back to face the kid in front of you.

The muscle in Carmy's jaw ticked at the sight of the corner of your lips pulling into a smile he knew all to well, heart clenching in his chest as you lit up right in front of him.

"Yeah…I remember you, English right?" The wide smile on your lips seemed to give the teen a bit of his confidence back, and Carmy watched on in stunned silence as you leaned against the counter, copying Elliot's position and resting your chin on the palm of your hand.

Carmy had never hated anyone so quickly in his life, but watching the scene play out in front him made him feel physically sick.

All the oxygen seemed to leave Carmy's lungs as he watched Elliot unabashedly reach for the 'B' pendant that dangled from your charm bracelet, the charm he'd forced Mikey to put on the piece of jewelry before his older brother gifted it to you after graduation. He watched as the smile on your lips faltered and you quickly raised from your position, no longer in the mood for whatever game the two of you were playing. Your abrupt movement and the stoic look on your face didn't stop Elliot from flirting even more.

"Listen, the guys and I are throwing an end of the summer party tonight, everyone's gonna be there. Will you?"

Carmy held his breath as he waited for you to turn the invitation down, disappointment seeping into his bones as he watched you tug your bottom lip between your teeth contemplating the offer.

"That depends, you and your little friends gonna buy some sandwiches or keep loitering?"

"If we do then will I see you there?"

The sight of your shoulders moving up and down filled Carmy with defeat. He continued to watch you two, annoyance at an all time high as Elliot took his time removing the sharpie attached to your clipped shirt before he was reaching for a napkin and scrawling what Carmy could only assume was a series of numbers down.

"You know just in case you need a ride or just…anything at all."

He winked as he capped the marker before laying it down on the counter-top. Carmy tuned out the rest of the conversation as Elliot began to order, and ache ricocheting through his chest watching you laugh along to whatever he was saying, hand reaching out to gently shove at his shoulder. As much as Carmy wanted to look away it was like his body wouldn't let him, his mind punishing him with the sight of someone else making you happy.

Bile rose in Carmy's throat at the never ending interaction. The sight of Elliot pulling out his wallet to pay offered Carmy a bit of reprieve only for the hope to quickly dwindle as the teen leaned over the counter once more hand moving to stuff a generous tip in the pocket of your jeans.

Carmy wasn't sure when Mikey had entered the front of the restaurant but he'd never been happier for his brother's overbearing nature than in that moment.

"Tip goes in the tip jar kid." Mikey's hand clasped around Benjamin's wrist holding the appendage just centimeters from the fabric of your jeans, Carmy watched the teen struggle to find words before Mikey spoke up once more.

"Clock off Baby, your done."

If you were annoyed by Mikey's intrusion you didn't let it show as you moved to the back to punch out. Mikey finally loosened his grip on Elliot when you disappeared behind the wall, arms moving to cross against his chest as he stared the teenager down.

"You're holding up my line kid." Carmy didn't have too look around to know that was a lie, the bell above the door hadn't signaled any new customers since the group of teens walked in.

Without another word Elliot gave a nod, hastily dropping the cash he was holding onto in the plastic cup and moving to rejoin his friends. Whatever satisfaction Carmy once felt quickly dissipated as Mikey's frowning face begin walking in his direction.

"Get Baby home, and talk her out of whatever that fucking kid was trying to get her to do."

If Mikey thought his younger brother would part his lips to complain, then he was sorely mistaken as Carmy nodded at the directive before standing up and pulling the car keys out of his front pocket.

Carmy left out a huff of breath as Mikey slapped his bicep before spinning around and heading back toward the kitchen, only stopping to let you exit and whispering something in your ear. From the way you looked in Carmy's direction it was safe to assume Mikey hadn't filled you in on the fact that he wouldn't be taking you home and you'd have to settle for the younger Berzatto.

Mikey sighed as you walked past him, watching as you ignored Carmy's presence. He gave Carmy a look of apology before nodding after you, signaling for him to follow.

Carmy wasted no time exiting the establishment, finding you leaning against the passenger door as you waited for him. He approached you practicing the words he wanted to say to you only to be immediately shut down as you grabbed the keys out of his hand to unlock the car and slithered into the passenger seat shutting the door in his face.

He stood there dumbfounded for a moment, the sound of you honking the horn pulled him from his stupor before he jogged to the driver's seat.

Carmy wasn't sure if his conversation was welcomed, but Mikey's words swam through his head as he turned the key in the ignition, he glanced in your direction watching you stare out of the window waiting for him to drive. Carmy cleared his throat before speaking up.

"Baby I…I don't think you should go to that party."

"And I don't think you should kiss girls that don't mean anything to you."

It was the first time in seven weeks that you said more than three words to him. The harsh words and the tone of your voice made it obvious that despite you acting as though prom night didn't matter; Carmy's cruel words had made a damning impression. Carmy cleared his throat to apologize, only to swallow whatever words he had to say as you reached to turn on the radio, making sure the volume was loud enough to make it clear you weren't in the mood for any more conversation.

A small mercy seemed to come from the action as Carmy listened to you hum along to the CD, the mixtape you'd burned for him a while back playing through the car's speakers.

If Carmy could make up a believable reason to prolong the car ride just so he could spend more time in your presence he would. But it was the summertime and most people were spending their day indoors to escape the heat meaning traffic was light and the drive home was quicker than he would have liked.

As he rounded the corner onto your street he knew after this stilted moment you'd just continue avoiding him. He pulled to a stop right outside your house, despite his driveway being just across the street he wasn't going to force you to make the walk.

Carmy turned off the ignition looking in your direction as you gathered your belongings off the floor, he watched you press the button to unlock the car, his own fingers darting to the button on the driver side door to lock it once more. He watched your body still before you turned to look in his direction eyebrows raised in question.

A back and forth ensued as the two of you kept unlocking and locking the door one after the other maintaining eye contact. Carmy was nearly at his wits end with how stubborn you were but the moment he saw a smile begin to part your lips, the thought of giving up this seemingly fruitless endeavor fled his mind.

"Carmy stop!" He might have if you hadn't laughed while you spoke or looked at him with that sparkle in your eye he was sure he was the only person to ever pick up on. "This is literally kidnapping Carm."

It was his turn to laugh, warmth and joy beginning to fill him just at the sight of how happy you looked. This was Carmy's favorite version of you as opposed to the somber unemotional version he'd been given since you began your vow of silence against him.

Carmy raised an eyebrow after you stopped trying to unlock the door, a smile spreading on his face as you stuck your tongue out at him before turning to begin winding down the window. Carmy let himself have the moment, watching as your viciously cranked the lever a smile of victory pointed in his direction when you deemed yourself successful.

It only took him a split second to realize what you were doing as you unlatched your seatbelt before you began trying to maneuver your torso out of the window. A quiet laugh escaped him as he watched you, not letting you get too far, he reached for you wrapping his arms around you waist and tugging you back in the car being mindful of your head.

The momentum of his pull sent him into the driver side door, the sudden movement rocking the car. While Carmy was sure he'd likely develop a bruise on his back, none of that mattered as you rested safely against his chest, body wracked with laughter as the sound filled the car, Carmy's already wide smile seeming to grow in size somehow.

Your laughter stopped too soon for Carmy's liking, your once squinting eyes now solely focused on his face as you leaned your head back against his shoulder and smiled up at him.

For a moment Carmy was sure his heart beat synced with yours. The blood pumping through his arteries memorizing every minute tick of your heart so his soul could imprint the pattern into his genetic makeup, allowing him to carry you with him no matter what distance separated the two of you.

"Baby." He paused eyes tracing your face and committing the smile you'd been hiding from him for a month, to memory; thumb gently raising to lightly trace across your bottom lip. "Please don't go to that party, I…I don't think it's a good idea."

The smile slipped from your lips in an instant, a feeling of dread settling in Carmy's stomach as he watched your whole demeanor change.

The beat of his heart seemed to skip. A stutterer as the organ tripped over itself losing track of how to mimic the pattern of your heartbeat just as quickly as it learned it.

"Yeah well you're not very good at that are you?"

Confusion marred Carmy's features at your question. "What?"

"Thinking."

Your words were punctuated by you pushing yourself away from Carmy's chest, the space where you once filled his arms losing the warmth your body so graciously extended to him. The tether that began connecting your hearts snapping under the strain of the dying flame of your friendship.

Before Carmy could come up with an adequate response you were unlocking the door and slamming it in his face, leaving him to watch you haul ass up the drive way.

A sigh of defeat left Carmy as you safely entered your house, not so much as a glance back sent in his direction as you locked yourself away from him. Carmy ran a hand through his hair while turning the key in the ignition so he could park in his driveway.

The idea that Carmy might not be able to fix your relationship before it was too far gone was slowly beginning to settle in.

Nat's chin came to rest upon your shoulder, her eyes met yours in the mirror as the two of you stood in Donna's bathroom, a warm smile on her lips, arms moving to wrap around your waist as she pulled you back into her chest. "You sure you're up for this, doesn't really seem like something you'd be into."

A shrug of your shoulders was the initial reply you gave the older woman watching as her body moved with yours before speaking up, "Just trying to broaden my horizons I guess…plus maybe this will prepare me for all the college parties I plan to go to."

Nat rolled her eyes at your sarcasm, letting you out of her grasp as you leaned forward to finish applying your mascara. Silence blanketed the bathroom while Natalie watched you work, leaning her chin against her palm as you focused on not accidentally poking yourself in the eye.

"Does this have anything to do with why you and Carmy have been avoiding each other since graduation?"

You found her eyes in the mirror pausing mid stroke against your lashes, "No…maybe? Look I just…it seems like my whole life has revolved around Carm and with him leaving for California next week maybe its time I find out who I am without him. Who knows maybe I like parties."

Natalie hummed at your words nodding along with the logic behind your reasoning. "I'd probably believe you more if he wasn't going with you. How'd you manage that by the way my brother is nothing if not a ball of pent up anxiety."

A sigh escaped you at Nat's reminder, even when you were trying to get away from the boy he seemed to haunt you.

"Mama wouldn't let me go unless Carmy goes with me."

You gave Nat a sharp look as she opened her mouth to ask another question, unsure how much more of her interrogation you could take with the nerves that were filtering through you at the moment.

A tense quiet atmosphere settled over the bathroom, Natalie not sure of what to say, not wanting to set you off. And you making no effort to continue the conversation you knew she was dying to have. Finishing your mascara you closed the tube before placing it back in your makeup bag. A small smile lined your lips, for the first time in weeks you felt like yourself. Taking a step back your turned in Nat's direction, eyebrows raised in a silent question as she gave you a once over.

"When did you grow up Baby?"

The question shouldn't have caused the sadness that it did, but it was one you didn't have the answer to. Maybe it was when your mom got sick and you realized not only was her illness a burden, but you were as well as she worked to figure out how to take care of you when she should have been taking care of yourself. Or maybe it was when you begged Mikey for a job at The Beef because you knew your mom was struggling financially and despite only being a Sophomore in high school, you'd taken it upon yourself to ensure the two of you survived. Or it could've been the night of prom after Carmy broke your heart and you decided you would no longer allow him to be a priority in your life, no longer allow yourself to feed childish fantasies that he loved you in the way you loved him. You could have pointed at a myriad of moments in your life to answer Nat's question.

But as you stood there staring yourself down in the mirror, it hadn't felt like you'd grown at all. Because standing before you was the same little girl who always had a tendency to heap too much responsibility on her own plate and falter under the pressure.

You'd been so lost in thought you hadn't realized Nat left before she was returning, Donna's beloved polaroid in her hand as she held it out to you.

"I know you and my brother are going through a rough patch, and I also know my little brother which means whatever happened was likely his fault. But at least get one last picture before he leaves, who knows you might regret it if you don't."

A sigh parted your lips as you reached to grab the camera sending Nat a small smile before you pulled her into a hug and thanked her for helping you get ready. Grabbing your small clutch from where it was hanging on the bathroom door, you made sure it had everything you needed before heading downstairs.

Upon entering you weren't surprised to see Fak next to Carmy on the couch the former locked in on a game of Mario Kart while the latter looked like he was suffering. The sound of your mom and Donna's voices drifted from the kitchen into the living room as you made it to the last step.

Carmy's eyes locked on you instantly and you forced yourself to ignore the way his grip loosened on the controller and he sat up a bit straighter, moving to the kitchen to say your goodbyes.

Donna's head snapped up the moment you walked in smile widening as she cooed at the sight of you, hands moving to fan her eyes. Your mom let out a quiet chuckle at the other woman's dramatics pulling her into a side hug and rubbing her shoulders.

"Gosh our babys just grew up right before our eyes didn't they. What the fuck happened to the snot nosed kids who used to run around this place breaking my china."

You let out a quiet laugh moving to join them and pulling the older women into a group hug, "Given Carmy's been the same height since he was four, I don't think that scenario is as hard to reminisce as you think." The wink you sent Donna was interrupted by your mom swatting your backside, your name leaving her mouth in an admonishing tone at the quip.

"Be nice to that boy," you granted your mom a tense smile at her words. In an effort to not tarnish her opinion of Carmy, you had foregone telling her about prom night, despite that, she made it obvious she knew things had soured between the two of you. But you were thankful she didn't push the issue. "Carmy sweetie get in here."

You stepped back out of the embrace ignoring Carmy as he entered the kitchen, both of you settling in to listen to the rules your mom had.

"Now Carmen I'm trusting you with my girl okay? She's precious cargo." You stood by as Carmy listened like his life depended on it. "Alright now remember, no accepting drinks that you didn't make yourself or that weren't already sealed. Please don't go crazy either, I'm trusting you Baby but don't think I don't know what you and Hayden get up too, got that boy bringing you home high at all hours of the night."

"It's just weed mom." You did your best not to sound like a petulant kid, knowing you were playing with fire as you talked back. Smart enough not to look your mother in the eye as Carmy's gaze burned into the side of your head at the comment.

The laugh your mom let out told you she found your words anything but funny. "Yeah, today it's weed and tomorrow you're giving it up to some crackhead in a back alley just to get your fix."

Donna's sudden cackle broke the tension that was growing in the kitchen, before your mom turned to glare at her, only for the Berzatto matriarch to send you a wink once your mom wasn't looking.

"Okay," you clapped your hands together hoping it would dispel the sudden microscope you'd found yourself under. "Any other rules before we head out?"

A sigh of resignation left your mother's lips, and in that moment she looked older than she was in all of her years being sick it seemed like only then had the illness finally caught up to her

"Just take care of each other okay? Don't feel like you have to stay or do something at the party just 'cause everyone else is doin' it. And if one of you leaves you both leave understand me? I don't care if you meet a nice person and you wanna bump uglies in the car, if somebody's gettin it on in the back seat, the other person better be sittin' in that front seat minding their business."

"Oh my gosh mom ew what? Who even says 'bumpin uglies' anymore?"

The words were so absurd that a frown even tugged at Donna's features as she did the mental math to understand what the hell your mom was talking about.

Before your mom could open her mouth to speak Carmy's fingers were intertwining with your free and pulling you with him as he began walking backwards. "I-I uh I think we got it. We'll be home before midnight."

Carmy led you the rest of the way out of the kitchen as you threw a wave goodbye to the two mother's once again lost in their own conversation. Carmy stopped at the front door, neither of you making a move to let go of the other's hand as he called for Fak so you could all leave.

As your group walked to Carmy's car you pulled him to a stop, looking up at him as you spoke. "Mind adding another memory to my photo album?" You held the polaroid out to him like a partial peace offering. It was the first time you initiated a conversation with him since graduation, and as his lips split into a wide grin you couldn't help but feel as though you were being too harsh on him. His enthusiastic nod warmed your heart before he was calling for Fak to take a picture of the two of you

Handing off the camera to Fak you rejoined Carmy on the steps of the Berzatto house, you sat down motioning for him to join you, your body easily settled against him once he was posed. The both of you sat there awkwardly both unsure of what to do, you watched as Carmy picked at his nail beds as you waited for Fak to figure out the camera.

"Um Baby?" You hummed as Carmy called out to you chin resting on your knees as you turned to look at him. You'd known Carmen Berzatto for longer than you'd ever loved him, and by the look on his face you could tell he was contemplating his words, working himself up so much to the point he was likely overthinking them. He let out a deep breath, shoulders deflating with the action before he was speaking once more.

"If you uh…if you decide you want to 'bump uglies' with someone tonight…just uh please don't involve me."

The look on his face was so serious you couldn't help but laugh, the sound of those words coming out of his mouth sending you into a full on fit. You could hear him join in, his laughter quieter than yours.

"C'mere, Fak's waiting for us."

You didn't mind the way he slung his arm around your shoulder and pulled you into his side, and he didn't seem to mind the way you wrapped your arm around his waist. As Fak counted down the both of your turned to face him, genuine smiles lining your lips. But the moment that Fak fumbled the camera taking a picture of the concrete, you and Carmy faced each other once more laughs drifting through the open windows of the Berzatto home and giving the two older women inside hope that you'd both finally come to your senses.

Carmy had finally pushed through the sweaty and inebriated teens partying inside the house, quickly slipping through the sliding door to get away from it all. A slight breeze kissed his skin, the summer heat a relaxing balm to the stuffy air inside.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed since the two of you arrived but it seemed like hours since he'd last seen you, he was full of anxiety the minute you left his sight disappearing into the crowd of bumbling teens. Carmy was seconds away from calling you to make sure you were safe only stopping when he glanced up, eyes landing on your sitting figure at the edge of the pool, legs submerged in the water as you kicked them back and forth.

Carmy felt his heart race speed up, nerves beginning to ignite as he looked around the backyard unsure what to do with himself. Before he could give himself time to overthink anything, he was shoving his phone back into his pocket before moving to approach you.

He stopped a few feet behind you taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, "Baby?" Carmy's breath caught as you turned to look at him over your shoulder. The pool lights reflecting off the water created a patterned mosaic against your face, features lit so perfectly against the backdrop of the night. Despite the weeks of animosity between the two of you, there was no hatred in your eyes as you looked at him, the corner of your lips tugging up before you were turning to face the pool once more and patting the spot next to you in invitation.

As Carmy joined you on the concrete, his eyes fell to the motion of your hands watching as you played with the charms on your bracelet.

"Are you excited for California Carmy" The way you said his nickname always filled him with warmth goosebumps rising on his skin at the delicate way you treated the word, as if it were precious.

A silence settled over you and as you placed your hands on the pools edge, leaned forward and looked in Carmy's direction he realized it was because he hadn't responded.

"Y-yeah uh…nervous b-but I'm looking forward to it." His guard was up as he spoke to you, the moment you shared in the car earlier in the day reminding him of just how fast your demeanor could change.

Carmy sucked in a breath as a small sad smile lined your lips, "I wish I could go with you."

"Yeah..me too."

It was a stupid thing to say and he knew so the moment the words parted his lips. It was selfish of him to even encourage such a grandiose idea, there was no way you'd leave your mom's side anytime soon and he didn't want you to, knowing how much it would tear you up inside. But if Carmy had the power to make all your hopes and dreams come true he would stop at nothing to make them happen.

"I hope California treats you well Carmy." He didn't like the way your voice sounded as you spoke, a finality there that he wasn't ready to accept as you pulled your legs out of the water, standing up to signal the conversation was over.

"I'm gonna catch a ride home with Hayden," he looked up at you mind racing at a mile a minute with all the words he wanted to say to you but couldn't seem to spit out. "I think I saw Claire inside if you wanna spend the rest of the night with her."

You were sending him one last smile that didn't quite reach your eyes before slipping your shoes back on and taking your leave.

Carmy watched as you disappeared into the house maneuvering through a group of guys walking out at the same time.

A part of him wished he hadn't agreed to come, a feeling of frustration beginning to bloom in him that he had let the situation between the two of you reach this point. He wasn't sure why he hadn't apologized to you on the steps earlier, or what happened between now and then to put the two of you right back where you were at square one after prom night. Carmy wished he had taken a moment today to just explain to you why he lied to Mikey on prom night, maybe in the midst of it all he'd even try to understand why he felt the constant need to ruin his own life when luck was on his side.

He let out a puff of breath slowly resigning himself to the fact that maybe there wasn't a future in the cards for you two, that maybe this was all you were ever meant to be to each other. Just two ships passing in the night but never within reach of the other. Carmy stood brushing his pants off, even though you decided to get a ride home with Hayden, Carmy wasn't leaving this party until he knew you were safe regardless of how uncomfortable and out of place he felt.

Carmy's attention was pulled from the now still pool water as someone bumped into his back, the two exchanging quick apologies as he turned to walk around the group of guys realizing they were the same ones who stopped by The Beef earlier though the guy who asked for your number was notably absent.

"Yo, Casey right?" Carmy ignored the question moving to head back inside before being stopped in his tracks as one of them gripped his shoulder, pulling him into the group. "Listen man, help us settle this alright." The stench of alcohol on the guys breath should've have been Carmy's first clue that this conversation wasn't going to end well but before he could remove himself from the situation the kid was talking once more.

"That babe who's always following you around, you've been fucking her right? I mean you'd be fucking stupid not to."

Laughter rang through the group a heaviness settling in Carmy's stomach as he digested the words, trying to figure out how they were even remotely funny.

"I mean c'mon man if she'll fuck you she'll fuck anyone." The words were punctuated by a slap against Carmy's back, a high-pitched noise beginning to ring in his ears as he realized they were talking about you. "Eli's probably got your girl upstairs right now sucking 'em off."

Carmy's sudden anger felt like it was burning through his veins, turning his blood molten as he shoved the guys arm from around his shoulder needing to get away from them before he did something he'd regret.

The laughter followed as he headed towards the house, wanting to get you far away from this place regardless of how upset you'd be with him. He knew you coming here tonight was a bad idea and this proved it, he felt disgusted listening them to reduce you to just your body, his fists clenching as he forced himself to keep walking.

"Hey man don't worry just send her my way when she gets tired of you. I'll put that little body of hers to real good use you know what I mean she won't even remember you exist."

You couldn't find Hayden anywhere in the sea of drunk teens, wishing you had just put your pride aside and asked Carmy to take you home instead. A quiet sigh escaped you as you began rummaging around in your clutch hoping Hayden would answer your call so you wouldn't have to walk back out to Carmy with your tail tucked between your legs.

A grunt of surprise left you as someone bumped into, eyes moving to follow the hoard of bodies that were now making their way to the backyard. You frowned unsure what all the commotion was about but deciding it didn't matter as you finally gripped your phone quickly thumbing through your contacts to find Hayden's number before placing it o your hear.

The first had barely finished before a familiar voice shouted your name, forcing you to look in the direction of the sliding door and the large raucous group now gathered outside. You frowned as Fak began jogging towards you, you hadn't seen him since a group of cheerleaders whisked him away as soon as your group stepped through the door.

"Baby! Baby! You gotta," he paused catching his breath as he finally reached you. "C-car-"

His words cut off once more as he sucked in another breath, concern rising within you as you pulled your phone from your ear to deal with Fak.

"Are you okay Fak? What's go-"

"It's Carm h-he's…"

Before he could get another word out he pointed behind him, eyes wide as the group began chanting. Once the words 'fight' registered in your mind you were shoving past Fak praying that Carmen Berzatto was not involved.

It took you a minute to shove through the crowd of inebriated teens, pushing your way to the center of the circle with every passing moment that you couldn't locate Carmy. It was a struggle but once you finally broke through the sight in front of you stopped you in your tracks, you watched in stunned silence as Carmy pummeled some guy you couldn't care less about, mind racing to think of how to stop him only for him to be tackled by another body.

The fight escalated quicker than you could keep up with, one moment Carmy was fighting like his life depended on it and then the next he was outnumbered four to one hands moving to cradle his head as he laid on the ground taking hits from every which way.

Fear froze you in place, heart racing watching Carmy take a beating you were sure he didn't deserve. Tears pricked your eyes the longer the fight went on, nobody was stepping in to stop it to entertained by the macabre scene before them. You looked around in hopes of spotting Fak or maybe even Hayden but your search came up short, eyes shooting back to the scene in front of you.

You were moving before you even realized it, concern for Carmy's wellbeing at an all time high. "Get the fuck off of him!" As you reached to try and pull one of the guys off of Carmy, his elbow caught you right above the eye, sending you stumbling to the ground ears ringing and a dizziness clouding your head.

Warm liquid began dripping down your face, the drops coming in such quick succession you had no time to stop it from reaching your eye and obstructing your view. As the liquid traced down your face the taste of iron entering your mouth alerted you to the fact that it was blood, the muffled shouts and sound of knuckles against skin the only indication that the fight was still going on.

As you moved to push yourself on your knees you hand bumped into cold glass, a discarded beer bottle your saving grace as you gripped it by the neck and smashed the end against the concrete. You didn't give yourself a chance to think about how horribly this could end, your only instinct to make sure Carmy was safe.

Pushing yourself up on your knees you slowly rose to your feet, stumbling as you found your balance and using your one good eye to point you in the right direction. You saw red as you watched the teens kicking at Carmy's now curled up body, a scream of rage leaving you at the sight.

"I said get the fuck off of him!" You could hear gasps of surprise as you began blindly swinging the sharp glass of the beer bottle around, uncaring of who you hurt as long as it helped Carmy.

A gentle grip on your shoulders stopped you from slashing at someone before you were being moved behind the figure, and you watched through your hazy vision as Hayden joined the fray, trying to separate the guys from Carmy, having little luck until the sounds of sirens in the distance grabbed everyone's attention and all hell broke loose as inebriated teens began scattering.

The world was spinning around you and it wasn't clear if that was from you actually spinning or if it was the dizziness of your head, but one moment you were on your feet and the next your knees were slamming into the concrete as people shoved past you. Your dinner from earlier spilled pass your lips before you could control it, throat rubbed raw by stomach bile while hands gently gripped your cheeks and the sight of Claire's blurry face filled your vision.

"Oh Baby," Claire's voice was filled with worry but none of that mattered as you looked for Carmy in the chaos of everything even more panic beginning to settle in when you couldn't find him.

You reached out to grip Claire's forearm doing your best to peer at her through the sludge of dried and fresh blood alike coating your vision. Fear consumed you as your mind thought of all the worst things that could have happened to Carmy, your head throbbing far too much for any rationality.

"Carmy…w-where is he Claire? Is he okay wh-I don't understand what happened."

The sounds of sirens grew closer and you heard Claire's quiet curse before she was helping you to your feet and slowly leading you through the back gate, your stumbling figure making her job even harder as you whipped your head around every so often in search of Carmy.

Claire kept a death grip on you afraid to lose you in the crowd or worse that you'd run away in search of Carmy, but relief filled the girl as you both finally made it to her car and she forced you into the passenger seat ignoring your panicked rambling.

You wanted to be annoyed at Claire as she buckled you in, but then she was handing you a wad of napkins from the glove compartment with strict instructions to apply pressure to your head wound. Before you could question her again about Carmy, she was shutting the passenger door and moving to get in the driver's seat, phone pressed against her ear as she spoke to whoever was on the other line.

Police lights had rounded the corner but not before Claire quickly maneuvered out of her parking space and began driving. You had the decency to feel bad about the blood you were getting on the interior of the car, but that was quickly washed away as she ended her call.

"Carmy's safe." Your eyes filled with tears at her words quiet sniffles following shortly after. "He's with Hayden and Fak, they're taking him home."

"Can you…can you take me to him please?" It was a stupid question considering you all lived on the same block, but Claire didn't berate you for it. You could feel her gaze at you out of the corner of her eye before she gave a hum of affirmation.

Fatigue began to make its home in your body, you weren't sure how everything had got so chaotic in such little time. You felt like this night would never end as you and Claire seemed to hit all the red lights, but all you could think about was Carmy in that moment.

It felt like hours before Claire finally pulled into the neighborhood, as she rounded the corner you could make out Carmy's car pulling to a stop in front of the Berzatto household, surprised that they'd barely beat you there. Claire was parking behind the three teens not a second later, a quiet gasp leaving your lips as you watched the back door fly open before Carmy was stomping toward his backyard, not a minute for you to feel relief that he was okay before you were stumbling out of Claire's car after your best friend.

Your shoe got caught where a sprinkler resided, taking one of your sandals hostage as Hayden offered a hand to help pull you up, you quickly brushing him away as he tried to survey your injuries, a quiet apology thrown over your shoulder while you moved to reach Carmy.

“Carm hey, wait please.” You caught up with him just as he threw the gate open to the backyard, the wood almost hitting you in the face as it rebounded before you stopped it. He was a few feet ahead of you now forcing you to jog, your hand shooting out to grip his bicep and pulling him to stop.

You’d never been afraid of Carmy before, but in that moment you weren’t sure what to feel as he turned to face you, a look you could only describe as pure hatred in his eyes.

“What the fuck do you want now.”

Your eyebrows pinched together at the tone of his voice unsure what’d you done to earn such a heated reaction.

“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay, I can help you clean up.” Your voice was small as you spoke watching Carmy’s jaw move back and forth as he ground his teeth together.

You couldn’t be sure if it was your words or just your overall presence that caused the blow up, but Carmy’s booming voice made you shrink in on yourself as he began tearing you apart uncaring of how painful his words were.

“I don’t want your help Baby!” The varying set of footsteps stopping behind you alerted you to the now growing audience. Fak's quiet call of Carmy's name full of unease.

Before you could open your mouth and try your hand at assuaging Carmy’s anger, he was back to screaming in your face.

“I don't need your help now, and I didn’t need it back there, I don’t always need you coming to my rescue and fighting my battles for me!” His voice grew louder with each word, the veins in his neck protruded with his growing anger a redness beginning to bloom across his skin with the effort it took to berate you. “It's your fault I'm even in this fucking mess! What did you think some guy would give you his number and invite you to a party just because he liked you? God grow up Baby."

His words were so loud you were almost sure the whole neighborhood could hear him, all listening in on the one-sided argument.

“You ruin everything.” Your lips began to tremble at his words eyes filling with tears as you just stood there letting the person you cared so deeply for attack you unprovoked unsure what you did to ever be deserving of such callous words. “You ruined my chances with Claire, you’re the reason Mikey won’t let me work at The Beef, and my own family treats you more like your a part of the family than they do me.

You weren’t sure if Carmy realized he stepped into your space, but now he was so close it almost felt like he was breathing his words into you as opposed to speaking.

“Just stop it, stop helping me, stop worrying about me. Stop being my friend…Just leave me alone.”

A choked sob spilt past your lips as you shook your head at Carmy hoping he didn’t mean what he just said, the wetness in his eyes giving you some hope that this was just misguided anger from his earlier fight being directed at you.

“Y-you don’t mean that Carm. Wh-whatever I did I can fix it please j-just tell me and I can fix it.” The saltiness of your tears ran into your mouth as you spoke, your hands moved out to Carmy, gripping onto the fabric of his t-shirt as you broke right in front of him. “I’ll do anything please…I can’t lose you Carm.”

You hung onto whatever false hope you had left as you watched his lips fall into a grim line brow furrowing more than it already was as his eyes ran across the planes of your face. Before he stepped out of your grip.

“Just,” you watched in anticipation as his eyes fell shut, his chest moving up and down as he heaved a sigh. “Please just leave me alone…go home Baby.”

Something about the exhaustion in his words was enough to break your resolve, the amount of effort it was taking to hold back your tears crumbling entirely.

“Yeah?” You nodded to the best of your abilities so pathetic in that moment you would do anything to keep Carmy’s friendship in your life, even be his punching bag for the night if that’s what it took.

“I want you to leave me alone,” each word was spoke slow and purposefully as though you wouldn’t understand him otherwise. “And I never want to see you again.”

Claire's quiet gasp was the life-line to help you understand that Carmy's words were real, and not just a figment of your imagination.

The words felt like a blow to the chest, the heaviness in your heart increasing tenfold. Your head swam with dizziness and maybe it was the concussion you probably had or maybe your brain was just working overtime to try and understand how the two of you reached this point. Your eyes slid shut at the sound of the backdoor to the Berzatto house opening alerting you to the fact that even more people were present to experience one of the worst moments in your life. A soul-shaking panic taking over that if one person you loved thought of you this way then maybe they all did.

Maybe everyone was finally beginning to see you for the burden you were. Maybe you had outlived your usefulness.

A quiet intensity hung over the Berzatto backyard as everyone waited with baited breath, all the surrounding parties too stunned by the swift deterioration of a decades long friendship to really know how to respond.

"Look me in the eyes and say that Carmy." Your voice was quiet but strong as you demanded him to give you the decency you were owed.

You searched Carmy's face waiting for him to respond and watching in disgust as he quickly averted his gaze. If he was going to break you heart again, just days before he got to run away to a whole other state, the least he could do was give you the courtesy of telling you to fuck off with his chest.

The silence sent a spike of anger through you and before you could think better of it your hand was shooting out to grip his chin, forcing him to face you and watching as he looked everywhere but your eyes.

"Say it again, look me in my eyes and say it!" His eyes closed on instinct as you shouted in his face, no effort on his part to try and remove your grip. You wanted him to respond, to argue with you and list out all of the reasons he decided you were no longer worth keeping around, but instead he remained silent never once looking at you.

A shuddered breath escaped as the finality of your friendship began to settle in, your lips trembling at his purposeful silence. The grip you had on his chin went slack as your hand fell away from his face, fingertips numb from where you'd just been touching him, before you were taking a step away from him.

"You're a fucking coward Carmen."

Prom Night

Quiet music drifted around your bedroom as you sat on your bed, flipping through one of the family photo albums your mom kept. A sad smile washed over your face as you admired your parents frozen in time, a man you had never truly known kissing the bump of your mom's stomach.

"Baby? You haven't started getting ready yet?" You looked up to see your mom standing in the doorway, a tired smile gracing her features as she looked at you. "You know Donna's gonna throw a fit if she don't get any pictures of you." Both of you laughed, knowing how upset the woman would be, especially after hearing her gush for weeks about how fast you and Carmy were growing up. Your mom began to make her way into the room before joining you on the bed, the effort it took her to do such a small task was heard through her now heavy breathing.

You allowed her to get comfortable before you scooted closer to her, her arms opening automatically as you snuggled into her side like the two of you had done many times before. Her hands reached out for the album, which you carefully handed over to her, catching the side smile that spread across her lips as her finger caressed the photo you'd been staring at.

"You know he was so excited to meet you," you nodded along to her words having heard the story plenty of times yet never growing tired of it. "Packed all the hospital bags, made a checklist and everything. Soon as my water broke he went into panic mode got the car all packed up and then you know what he did?"

Quiet laughter escaped you at the story, "Got all the way to the end of the block before realizing he left you at home."

The sound of your mom's laughter mixed in with yours as she nodded along to your words, the sound died down as her body was wracked with malicious coughs. You turned to make sure she was okay, a frown etching lines in your forehead at the constant pain you knew she was in.

"I remember…we were still young and I was so scared. Always worried about if I'd be a good mother, scared I wouldn't love you the way a mom should and he…" your mom's voice trailed off, and you knew her tears weren't far away prompting you to hug her just a bit tighter hoping to offer all the comfort you could. "He was always there reassurin' me, made sure I knew that everything would work out. Man was so damn optimistic it used to piss me off…but I loved 'em for it, all the same."

Silence settled over the two of you as you allowed your mom to reminisce. Growing up, she would always say that losing your father was the greatest loss of her life, but that raising you and watching the pieces of him grow in you, even when he wasn't there, made living without him just a bit easier.

"Mama?"

A curious hum passed through your mom's lips as she absentmindedly continued flipping through the album. "How'd you know he was the one?" The question felt juvenile even as it passed your lips and it was probably naive but the way your mom talked about your dad made you long for what they had.

"It took me a while to see it." The smile was evident in her voice, and as you tilted your head to look at her, you caught the way it seemed to light up her face, despite her condition. "I met him at a graduation party, and he was the finest boy there, and I sure let him know it." You giggled at her words, snuggling into her a bit more. "Didn't think I was ever gonna see him again, so it didn't hurt to stroke his ego a bit." She paused to laugh, likely getting lost in the memory.

"But we ended up at the same school, ran into each other at freshman orientation, and he gave me some line about how he couldn't stop thinkin' about me, I told 'em to try harder."

A small smile rose to your lips as you realized exactly where you'd gotten your sass from.

"We had the same social group, so naturally a friendship blossomed, and it was college, you know, so I was having my fun doin' things I advise you against doing." Her finger tapped against your nose, causing you to scrunch it up at the ticklish feeling.

"I remember I was cryin' on the steps of the library got in a fight with whoever I was seein' at the time. Your father was leavin the building saw me and sat with me and you know he just consoled me, listened as I poured my heart out about some other boy knowing how he felt about me. And then he dried my tears, looked me dead in the eye and said 'One day someone's gonna love you in the way you deserve, and if it's not me just know it'll be my only regret in life.'"

"You know I laughed, called him corny, but after that night…I started to see him in a different light, and when we'd both finally had enough of the teasin' and back and forth, he asked me out. Our time together…it was so short but when I think about him, about it all sometimes it seems like it was forever. And I had never been loved in the way that man loved me before; out loud and so unapologetic."

You let the words sink in, a sadness filling you, knowing that all you had left of your dad were memories that weren't your own and old photographs. But you loved listening to your mom talk about him, her love for the man still evident even after all these years without him, you sometimes wondered why she never remarried but anytime he came up in conversation you understood that even though he passed years ago her love for him ran so deep it seemed to burrow inside her, the memories she held of him helping to keep it alive.

A silence settled between the two of you before your mom was carefully sliding out of the bed and motioning you to follow her over to your desk. "Nough' of my ramblin' now let's get you all prettied up for prom."

You smiled as you joined her, the two of you falling into comfortable conversation, as you spent the time catching her up on most everything going on while getting ready. The time seemed to fly by as you enjoyed the normalcy of this moment, the two of you laughing and joking as though the clock wasn't ticking down on your moms final days.

She had just finished helping you into your dress, your eyes locked on the full body mirror in the corner of your room as you admired the way it accentuated your figure, a small smile on your face as the excitement pumped through you. The gentle weight on your shoulders pulled your attention to your mom's gaze in the mirror, the sheen in her eyes a clear sign that this moment was making her emotional.

"You're all grown up now ain't you Baby." Her voice was soft as she leaned in to place her head on your shoulder a serene smile on her face as she looked at you. "Soon I'll be helping you get ready for ya walk down the aisle."

It felt impossible to stop your lips from trembling at her words, tears filling your eyes as she wrapped you in a hug from behind. Both of you knew she wouldn't live to see the day.

"Don't cry, because if you cry, then I'm gonna cry and it's gonna be one big ole snotty mess and you're gonna look like a clown at prom."

The two of you fell into a fit of laughter, feeding off of each other as you did the only thing you could do in this moment to keep yourself from crying. As the laughs died down, both you and your mom took notice of the time.

"We best head on over, save Carmy from his mama before she gets too camera happy." The instantaneous change of your mood was not lost on your mother as she watched your expression fall flat, coincidentally at hearing your childhood best friend's name. "What's the stink face for? Somethin' goin' on with you and Carmy?"

You shrugged hoping your silence would be enough, but watching your mom narrow her eyes in the mirror let you know she was expecting an answer. But before you could even give her one she was speaking up.

"This got anything to do with him hiding your acceptance letters?"

A dumbfounded expression took over your face as you stood there, unsure of what to say, mouth opening and closing a few times like a fish out of water. While you could try and lie to Mikey, you knew better to lie to your mom, and you knew if she didn't already know the truth, she wouldn't have even brought the letters up.

"Now, you may be my very smart, capable daughter, but you are horrible at hiding things. You know I sit at home most days just waitin' for the mail to come." She smiled at you through the mirror as her hands rubbed up and down your arms in comfort. "We will discuss this, so don't think you're off the hook, but why have you been avoidin' that boy?"

The last thing you wanted to do was have this conversation, especially when the night was supposed to be full of fun and memories. It didn't help that your mom had been the first one to call you out on your crush on Carmy, had helped you realize you liked him as more than a friend, and had even helped you practice how you would finally tell him the truth. So, as much as you hated to admit it, it made sense why she was worried about the two of you.

"I thought I could do it…watch him fall in love with someone else." You closed your eyes not wanting to cry. "But its hard and it hurts s-so much." A sob you didn't realize your were holding back burst through your lips, and then you were turning in your mom's embrace as she cooed in your ear, her hug comforting you. So much for not ruining your makeup.

"A-and I've just been using the fact that he's getting to know Claire as an excuse to avoid him…to not get in the way of his happiness, or ruin something good for him before it even begins." A hiccup interrupted your explanation as you let out weeks of pent-up energy. "And it was stupid, but for a moment I thought…I thought there might have been something there…that he felt the same, but I was wrong. A-and now every time I see them together I get this aching feeling in my chest b-but it never goes away anymore, and now I don't even know how to be a good friend to him without how I feel getting in the way."

Sadness filled your mom at seeing you so upset like this, a bit of grief eating away at her for maybe indulging your feelings a bit too much. But as she stood there holding you to her chest, she did her best to embody what your father might have said in this moment.

"Love is a beautiful thing, my girl, but she is also cruel." She knew her words probably inspired little faith in you. "Know that you won't hurt forever, now I can't guarantee you and Carmy will make it out of this unscathed, but listen when I say this, Baby. You will find someone who loves you just as much as you love them, and their love language will be all the qualities you exude, from your mannerisms to your laugh. And they will cherish you." The pep talk seemed to be working as you pulled away just a bit and nodded along to her words while dabbing at your makeup.

"You will find a love that breathes life into you every day, and that I can promise you, sweet girl."

A comfortable silence settled over your room before quiet laughter parted your lips, "Sounds like your spouting the same optimism you would have been annoyed at dad for."

"Oh, hush up now and sit down so I can fix your face." With the near crisis averted, your mom finally let herself relax, laughing right along with you at how truthful your words were.

Carmen Berzatto was in a predicament, and it had everything to do with the two corsage boxes clutched in his hands.

He hadn't given it a second thought yesterday when he was ordering Claire's to order one for you as well. Although he'd been avoiding you since that near kiss in your room all those weeks ago, he'd found out through Fak and confirmed with Sug that you were going to prom solo, a fact which took him a long time to come to terms with. And in all honesty he couldn't help but to feel like it was partially his fault it took him weeks of pep talks from Sug before he'd finally worked up the courage to ask you to prom, knowing how excited you were to go but instead, he jumped at the first chance he got with Claire and now look where that left you.

Hence why he was now standing in his kitchen holding two corsages, the only problem though was the fact that Claire and everyone else had already arrived and you were still missing, so there was no way for him to give it to you without hurting some feelings. The more he thought on it though the more he realized he probably shouldn't have even bought the thing if he knew it would cause some form of awkwardness.

Richie's loud voice pulled him out of his thoughts, and the rowdy older man seemed to be his saving grace in the moment as he caught Carmy's eye while heading for the door.

"The fuck you doin' just standing there?" Carmy had never felt more grateful for Richie in his life, and he was sure the feeling would remain fleeting after today.

Carmy took a moment to calm his nerves before speaking up, knowing this likely wouldn't be as easy a conversation as he hoped, knowing how Richie liked to tease. "I need your help."

He rolled his eyes as he watched the smirk replace the confusion on Richie's face, wanting nothing more than to just call the whole thing off, but this was his only option at the moment and he wasn't too keen on suffering whatever consequences there would be when trying to give corsages to two girls.

Carmy spoke up before Richie could get whatever stupid remark he had at the ready out. "I need you to give this to Baby."

Richie's eyes quickly moved from Carmy's face to the box he held out toward him, a frown gracing his features at what he considered to be an odd request.

"Finally got the balls to ask the girl out and now you're scared of putting a fuckin' plant on her wrist?"

It took everything in Carmy to keep his cool, clearing his throat and tugging at the collar of his dress shirt in hopes to ease his mind. "I-I didn't…look can you please just give this to her." He hoped the urgency in his voice was enough to get Richie off his case, but alas he was mistaken.

"Why you got two of 'em anyway? That like a new trend or some shit?" Richie raised his hand to scratch at the scruff on his chin. Giving Carmy a hard time was second nature, but as he stood a short distance away from him in the kitchen, he truly was trying to overcome how confusing the whole situation was.

A deep breath passed through Carmy's diaphragm before he was breathing out doing everything in his power not to show his frustration. "Because I'm going with Claire and I can't just…" he waved the boxes around trying to find the best way to articulate. "Just please Richie for the love of God give the corsage to Baby and say you and Mikey got it for her or something."

Richie was tempted to keep giving the boy a hard time, sick satisfaction filling him as he always pushed the kid farther than necessary. He looked down at the box stretched out to him once more, before deliberately snatching up the box Carmy kept close to his body, watching as his eyes widened before he tried to take it back.

"Wait, no! That one's for Claire."

"Does it really matter its a fucking flower."

Richie watched on as Carmy's face gained a red hue, knowing he'd pushed him past his limit. "It fucking matters because this," he raised the box he wanted Richie to take trying to be gentle with it in the process. "This is Baby's favorite flower, and I always buy her a bouquet of them for her birthday because I know how much she loves them and t-they make her happy. And I know she doesn't care about not having a date to prom, but I…I want her to be happy today.

"Alright, kid, my bad. And so this one is Claire's cause it's her favorite flower and all that other shit too right?"

"Well…no. It just…it matches her dress, I think."

Richie nodded his head like that explanation made all the sense in the world, "Right…right." A small smirk lined his lips while he grabbed the corsage meant for you out of Carmy's hand and gave him back the other one before his free hand moved to clasp his shoulder. "You're a fucking idiot kid."

It was in Carmy's best interest to let Richie's words go, and so he did, watching unimpressed as the man walked out of the kitchen. Glancing down at the corsage box in his hand filled him with errant thoughts. This is exactly what he wanted - a shot with the girl he'd been crushing on - or at least it's what he thought he wanted, and now…he wasn't so sure.

So lost in his thoughts of doubt he hadn't heard the door open for a second time or the sound of heels hitting the hardwood. It was only as your silhouette filled the entryway to the kitchen that he was finally brought back to reality, the sight of you all dressed up seeming to take the breath straight from his lungs and as his eyes dropped to the flowers delicately wrapped around your wrist he couldn't help but wish he was the one who got to give it to you.

The clearing of your throat gained his attention, he watched as a small shy smile lined your lips, "You get yourself dressed in the dark?"

He nodded, listening to the symphony of your laugh before his brain finally realized what you said, and he was sputtering out an answer. "Wha-no, do I look…bad?"

Your smile helped to ease any worries about his appearance and he found himself straightening up as you made your way closer to him, "May I?" He wasn't sure what you were asking but easily gave permission with a nod. Carmy felt his heart racing as your hands moved to unbutton his jacket, before you were reaching for his tie and tugging it loose the action almost sending Carmy into a spiral.

The kitchen was quiet. Carmy gave you his full attention, letting his eyes trace over your face, making note of the jewelry you'd paired with your dress. Your beauty had never been a secret to Carmy, but it was a true shame that he had only learned to appreciate it recently. The movement of your hands was practiced, and he couldn't help the way his heart seemed to stutter every time they brushed against his chest, every single doubt that plagued his mind for weeks easily racing to the forefront as he basked in your attention.

Your hand was warm as it settled against his chest, eyes bright as you looked at him, your smile seemed to dim only but for a moment, "You look very handsome Carm."

"S-so do you."

He felt heat fill his cheeks as you laughed at his words, but any previous embarrassment he might have felt vanished at the sight of your joy.

"Everyone's waiting for you outside." And just like that, whatever little bubble had been created for the two of you in his kitchen seemed to burst. He watched as your eyes slid to the corsage box in his hands, and then you were stepping away from him, the heat left behind from your touch almost had him reaching out to you before he thought better of it. "Your mom sent me in here for you, and you know she doesn't like to be kept waiting." The smile that lined your lips didn't feel genuine, but before he could get a sentence out, you moved to grab a water bottle out of the fridge, and then you were gone, leaving Carmy all alone once more.

Carmy took one last deep breath before forcing himself out the door. As soon as he stepped outside his eyes locked on your figure squeezed between Mikey and Richie as the three of you posed for the photos Sug was taking, he could've stood there all day watching the three of you goof around but he could see Claire standing with Fak and Hayden and their dates out of the corner of his eye and he knew that would never be an option.

He made his way over to the group before pulling Claire off to the side, greeting her as she did so, "I uh…here's your corsage." He held the plastic up, giving the girl a shy smile as she did the same before he took it out of the box and slipped it onto her wrist. The two of them rejoined the group once more as he forced himself to try and pay attention to the conversation, only for his eyes to drift back towards you, watching the happiness radiate off of you with a smile on his face.

Sugar caught Carmy’s eye moments later a melancholy smile on her lips, “Carmy come, let me get a picture of you and Baby together!” He flinched in surprise looking to Claire with an apologetic look on his face before making his way over.

He stopped next to Sug eyeing the digital camera in her hand, "Did you bring out the polaroid by chance…you uh you know how much Baby likes the photos." His sister was one step ahead of him as she reached for the hunk of plastic under her arm making sure to show it to him before shooing him in your direction.

Carmy nodded before moving to fill the space his brother left, small smiles were all the two of you shared as you got into position standing in a side hug, as you fixed yourself to make sure you were presentable, Carmy found himself enraptured with you, carefully sliding his arm around your waist.

He studied you once more, picking up where he'd left off in the kitchen. He took note of the angelic planes of your face, the apples of your cheeks, and your cheekbones catching his eye. And the pretty sparkly stuff on your eyelids, catching the dimming sunlight, he was almost tempted to touch it. He liked the earrings you had chosen and the way the pearls sat so prettily around your neck, he wanted to trace each one.

Your dress of choice showcased your perfectly sculpted collarbones. Carmy was so lost in appreciating your beauty, he hadn’t thought twice about running his thumb across the one closest to him. The touch tickled you enough that your body was now slightly turned into his. Carmy cleared his throat, “Uh…um, there was a bug.” He watched as you nodded along with his lame excuse.

Your hand came up to smooth out his pocket square that sat atop his heart. Carmy caught your eye before you could face the camera head-on, he gave your waist a slight squeeze to give himself a boost of confidence. He watched as you stared up at him questionably the two of you locked in each others gaze.

Carmy’s eyes darted over your face, taking in your features one last time before losing himself to the shape of your lips for a moment. “I think you look beautiful tonight, Baby.” The words left Carmy’s lips with no sense of apprehension, no shyness. He was sure of himself, sure of his statement.

You had leaned into him a little bit more, your eyes rapidly blinking as your brain realized what he said. Carmy watched as a small, shy smile graced your lips, his own soon following as he realized just how important it was to keep that pretty smile in his life.

Unbeknownst to the two of you Sugar had watched the whole moment play out, quickly raising the Polaroid to capture the intimate moment between the two of you. A moment she was hoping would finally lead to more between the two of you.

“Thank you, Carmy.” Carmy watched as you leaned in slightly before stopping yourself and quickly readjusting so you were facing Sugar head-on. Carmy wasn’t sure what had changed between the two of you in these last couple of weeks, but as Carmy forced himself to look away from you, he found himself thankful for whatever ushered in that change.

Carmen Berzatto knew in that moment, whatever feelings he had for you were not temporary nor were they fleeting, he would want for no one else the way he did you. And he would do whatever it took to keep you in his life even if he would never be anything more than your best friend.

Adrenaline raced through your system as you guided Claire off the dance floor behind you, hands intertwined so as not to lose each other in the mass of bodies, once the two of you cleared your sweaty classmates it was easy to make a beeline for the bathroom.

The fit of giggles the two of you found yourselves in nowhere close to ceasing. As soon as one of you got a hold on your laughter all it took was one look at each other for the two of you to fall apart once more, hands clutching your stomachs at just how hard your muscles were constricting.

"H-how many times have Hayden and Fak watched 'Honey' to learn the club choreography?"

Claire's question sent you into another fit of laughter as you reached out to grip the countertop, several other girls in the bathroom sending to two of you confused glances as your shared laughter bounced off the walls.

"I," you paused, taking a deep breath to try and get a coherent sentence out. "I let Hayden borrow that DVD months ago, haven't seen it since.

Most of the other occupants in the bathroom had cleared out by the time you and Claire had calmed down, both of you fixing yourselves as you shared an occasional giggle about Hayden and Fak's choice of dance moves.

"Hey Baby?" You hummed at Claire as you reapplied your lip combo none the wiser to how sober she'd become, "I'm sorry I don't mean to ruin the moment but I…do you have feelings for Carmy?"

The gloss nearly slipped out of your hand into the sink as you worked to screw the lid on, your eyes flashed to Claire's in the mirror as she reapplied a coat of mascara acting as though she hadn't just dropped the biggest bomb on you in a hotel bathroom.

"I-I…I'm not sure what you mean." Playing stupid had never been your strong suit, but you couldn't think of anything else to say in that moment as your heart raced in your chest.

You watched nervously as Claire finished up before her eyes met yours in the mirror, a small, almost knowing smile lining her lips. "I watched you two," you opened your mouth, unsure of what to say, mostly confused by what she was talking about. "During pictures, you two…he just, he's different with you." She laughed off the words before looking down at her hands, mindlessly messing with the mascara tube she still had a hold of.

"And I mean Carmy's great and I like him…a lot actually, but I don't know," she trailed off, and you couldn't help but feel horrible as she cleared her throat, likely holding back tears. "T-the way he talks about you o-or just lights up at the sight of you…I-I want that you know, b-but not when it's meant for someone else a-and I see the way you look at him."

You listened, feeling like a horrible person as the girl next to you fought to keep her tears at bay. But no matter how you felt for Carmy, you wouldn't ruin this for him. Reaching out, you gripped Claire's hand in your own before gently tugging so she faced you. "Claire, listen." You paused for a moment, it would have been easy to let yourself have this, to be selfish for once in your life and take what you wanted, but it wasn't fair to Claire or Carmy.

"I…there is nothing going on between us, Carmy doesn't see me that way." You watched as Claire opened her mouth to argue, only stopping as you gave her a stern look. "Carmy is…he's head over heels for you, okay, he just…he's socially awkward and he's horrible at being up front with his feelings, trust me. This whole thing is new to him, and I promise Carmy would never intentionally hurt or lead you on." You may have been laying it on a little thick, considering the doubts he brought up to you weeks ago, but if keeping him happy meant pushing him into the arms of someone else, then you would do it ten times over because as sad as it probably sounded Carmy's happiness was important to you…lately it seemed like even more so than your own.

"Just…give him some time okay I know he likes you he just…really fucking sucks at opening up to new people." Your words earned a laugh from the girl in front of you, and you gently reached out to dab at the few tears sliding down her cheeks.

You pulled her into a hug, hoping that your words helped to assuage any of her doubts, doing your best to choke back your own emotions over the whole ordeal. You allowed Claire to hold onto you, offering whatever comforts you could as your own heart cracked with each passing minute.

"I…thank you, Baby." Claire smiled at you as she pulled away, hands squeezing your biceps while the two of you smiled at each other. It was unspoken as you reached for a tissue and began helping the girl gently clean her face, the two of you making idle conversation that you forced yourself to contribute to.

Minutes later, Claire looked as perfect as she did at the beginning of the night. "I'm really glad we're becoming friends." You forced your smile to widen, it wasn't that you didn't appreciate the newly blooming friendship, but it felt wrong knowing it was already built on secrets and lies.

"We'll still hang out after Carmy leaves for California, right?"

The question pulled you out of your reverie brows furrowing, smile slipping as the two of you locked eyes in the mirror. You could see the confusion in her eyes at your sudden change of attitude before you laughed off the tension and nodded at her words.

"Yeah…of course."

She smiled at your answer before pulling you into a brief hug, letting go just as quickly as she'd latched on. "Wish me luck m'gonna go ask Carmy to dance with me. Fingers crossed he says yes!"

You gave a light chuckle as her excitement watching as she made her way toward the exit, leaving you all alone in the bathroom with nothing to comfort you but your racing thoughts. A part of you was happy that Carmy was finally getting everything he wanted, ignoring the way your brain constantly reminded you that all you wanted was him. But even then a small selfish part of you tucked away deep inside couldn't help but to feel slighted that Claire knew something about Carmy that you didn't.

Because when the hell had Carmen decided he was going to California, and why hadn't he spoken a word about it to you?

Your phone was out of your clutch and sending on an S.O.S text to Nat before you even had the chance to realize your were letting some idiotic boy ruin your prom night. But it was more than that for you, it was the fact that Carmy had deliberately kept his plans after graduation from you a secret. You knew Carmy…well at least you thought you did and he wasn't the type of person to make spur of the moment decisions, too anxiety riddled to not have planned for whatever was waiting for him in California.

It would have been easy to stay there the rest of the night pretending to be happy, but now knowing that Carmy was planning to leave for California, all you wanted was to go home and rot away in bed.

Carmy knew he probably shouldn't have been standing at the back door that led directly to your room, especially not after just having dropped Claire off and making sure she made it inside safe. But ever since Sug called him in the middle of prom to let him know she was picking you up early he couldn't help but agonize over what may have ruined a night you'd been looking forward to for so long.

And now here he was, seconds away from knocking on your door, needing to know everything was okay. He gave pause, unsure if you'd even want to see him tonight, seeing as you opted to tell Hayden you were leaving early instead of him.

Not giving himself another moment to doubt his decision Carmy quickly raised his hand and knocked hoping you weren't yet asleep. A sigh of relief escaped him at the sound of the locks turning, he was sure you knew it was him considering he was the only one who ever used this entrance.

Carmy held his breath as the door slowly sung open expecting to find you there only to see your back to him as you walked away, he knew the wide open door to be a non verbal invitation and a quiet sigh was the only noise he let out as he began to slip out of his dress shoes before stepping inside and closing the door behind him.

He'd been in your room plenty of times before, so he wasn't sure why he felt nervous as he walked in further. His eyes latched onto your figure as you sat on your bed, preoccupying yourself with whatever you were doing before he showed up. Carmy was always awkward, and even though he had over a decade of friendship with you, he was always bad at apologizing when it came to your feelings. Especially when he didn't know what he was apologizing for.

The room wasn't warm by any means, but Carmy felt like he was suffocating. He quickly raised his hand to loosen his tie before pulling it over his head and tossing it on your desk chair. Suit jacket following, but as he moved to turn and make his way to you, his eyes caught sight of one of the picture frames on your desk.

A light smile raised to his lips as he reached out to pick it up, thumb moving to caress the image of you captured in time. It was from the picnic the two of you had before the start of senior year, a last chance for you both to spend time with each other before you, in particular, put school above all else, while Carmy was fine to just cruise by.

Carmy hadn't realized how intimate your positioning was in that moment but looking at the picture now made him blush. The two of you had always been touchy with each other, probably one of the many reason everyone seemed to think you were dating but staring at this photo reignited his weeks of spiraling thoughts initially brought on by one simple question regarding his relationship with you.

The photo wasn't perfect by any means, and considering it was taken on a disposable camera meant you had to get creative to even get the shot. He remembered the way both of you struggled to figure out the best way to get you both in frame, and it was Carmy who suggested the position in the first place. The final product was blurry, but he could remember clear as day, as you maneuvered to sit between his legs and the way his arm moved to wrap around your shoulders, pulling you flush against his chest. The way you were worried your reach wasn't long enough, so he agreed to take the picture, stretching his free hand out in front of you both, forcing you even further into him.

He couldn't remember what he said, but seconds before he took the photo, you threw your head back in laughter, the creasing around his eyes proof enough that he was laughing along with you. Though while your eyes were closed in a humored bliss, his were angled down at you.

Warmth seemed to fill Carmy the longer he looked at the picture, wishing to know what was going through his mind in that moment. He coughed to clear his throat remembering that he wasn't alone and you were just a few steps away from him.

Carmy closed the distance between the two of you, holding the frame out to you as some sort of peace offering, willing you to take it as he spoke up. "Took us forever to take this picture," he paused heart hammering in his chest as you gently pulled the frame from his grip fingers ghosting against his. "We left right after this cause of -."

"The ducks…I remember." Your soft voice cut him off, and he felt himself relax a bit as you spoke to him.

He stood in front of you unsure of what to do with himself now, he hadn't thought this far ahead, all he knew is that he wanted to come see you before the night was over, alleviate whatever tension seemingly hung between you two.

"You uh..you left early, prom I mean."

Carmy watched unsatisfactorily as you tossed the frame away from you, the heavy ornament bouncing on the mattress a bit.

"Surprised you even noticed." As you finally placed your gaze on the boy standing before you, he could see the irritation in your eyes, sucking out any last hopes that he wasn't the cause of your ire.

At your accusatory tone, he furrowed his brows, willing himself to not get defensive, but losing the battle as soon as he opened his mouth. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

He watched in frustration as the slight raising of his voice seemed to drain whatever fight you once had, his own temperament cooling as he watched the anger dissipate from your features, whatever he did to upset you instead weighing you down.

A sigh parted your lips, and he watched on in apprehension.

"I just…why didn't you tell me about California Carm?" The way you were looking up at him from your seated position made his heart clench. He knew if he hadn't told you himself, someone else would let it slip sooner or later. Taking a moment to study you, he could tell just how hurt you were, and his heart ached knowing he was the reason you were even upset at all.

Carmy's hand unconsciously moved to play with the cuff link of his dress shirt as he worked to piece together the explanation you deserved. His unfocused eyes landed on your face when he felt your fingers gently graze across the skin of his wrists, before you helped him to undo the cuff link he was messing with. Carmy watched as your fingers undid the buttons on his sleeve, rolling it up and moving to the next one to do the same. While your hand slipped into the pocket of his slacks to deposit the cuff links, your eyes finally met his, logic and rationale were the last things on his mind as he let the domesticity of the moment swallow him whole.

Before he could think better of it he was reaching a hand out, palm gently cupping your check and tilting your head up just the slightest bit. He felt your legs brush against his as they dropped from their curled position on the bed, framing his so he could move into your space a bit more.

Your beauty had never been lost on Carmy, but the only time he had taken to appreciate it was when he was drawing you. He watched on in fascination as you melted into his touch, his thumb swiping back and forth across the apple of your cheek as he took a few moments to map out every one of your features that made you unique.

"I-I…I didn't mean to hurt you." Carmy wasn't sure how many more sentences he would be able to get out if you kept looking at him like that. He could feel his cheeks heat up as you held him captive with your gaze, desires he had long since ignored pushed to the forefront of his mind with urgency.

The way you looked away from him in that moment had him seconds from getting on his knees begging for your forgiveness. Instead of his more dramatic thoughts, he found himself squatting down in front of you, the two of you now eye level as he forced you to hold his gaze.

"You were the first person I wanted to tell, I promise," he trailed off, eyes flickering down to the pretty pout that now lined your lips as you listened to his explanation. "B-but I didn't and I regret it, I just…I guess I just thought not telling you was better, ya know…I didn't want to make you second-guess taking a gap year."

The scoff you let out and the rolling of your eyes earned a frown from him, hurt lancing through him at the thought that you didn't believe him. "So what? You were just gonna wait until everyone was at the airport seeing you off?"

Carmy watched as your lips trembled, his heart aching at the hurt he had inadvertently caused you. He stood once more, hand moving from your jaw to the back of your neck as he pulled you into him for a hug. You buried your face in the fabric of his dress shirt, hands winding around his waist as you searched for the comfort he always brought you. The minutes seemed to tick by as the two of you remained in the position, Carmy's hand rubbing up and down your back gently, hoping to soothe you.

His grip loosened as he felt you begin to pull back, eyes watery as you looked up at him once more. The movement was instantaneous as his hands cradled your face, thumbs gently wiping away your tears as he'd done plenty of times before.

"I'm sorry I know I probably seem selfish right now," he gave a small smile at the watery laugh you let out, nodding his head to encourage you to keep talking. "I just…I'm happy for you Carm truly I am. But I…I'm scared too you know?"

He frowned at your words, unsure of what you were getting at, but gave you a minute to collect your thoughts as opposed to interrupting as he usually did.

"I…it feels like I'm losing two of the most important people in my life, a-and there's nothing I can do to stop it." Understanding washed over Carmy in that moment, and he sucked in a deep breath at the realization. It wasn't clear how much longer your mom could stick it out, and now, being blindsided with his plans to leave after graduation, the betrayal you felt made sense to him. And he wished for nothing in that moment than to alleviate those fears, but it was hard considering what he was doing fed into your own.

"W-what if we grow apart or lose contact? And I know it sounds stupid, b-but…you're my person, Bear."

Your words sounded familiar as they rang through Carmy's ears, but he couldn't pinpoint where exactly he'd heard them before. Carmy gave you his warmest smile as you poked out your bottom lip in a pout before bending at the waist and letting his lips softly press into the warm skin of your forehead. A move he'd watch Mikey and Richie do time and time again, but never had the guts to try out himself until now, hoping it would provide the comfort you were seeking.

His hands were still cupping your face as he pulled back slightly, the two of you now just inches apart, as he smiled at you. "You worry too much, you know that." His voice was lower than he meant for it to be, but as he watched your tongue dart out to wet your lips, he found himself wondering if they were as soft as they always looked. And he got his answer as one of his thumbs moved to gently swipe across your bottom lip, the movement parting them ever so slightly.

"Nothing's gonna happen to us Baby." His words were full of confidence as he let his eyes roam your face the urge to kiss you pulsing through him like electricity.

And he was sure he wasn't imagining it when he watched your eyes drop to his lips before speaking. "Promise Bear?"

Carmy breathed the words in as you spoke them, "Yeah…promise." There was a finality in the tone of his voice, and for a moment neither of you moved, but you both knew what the other wanted, the desire in the air nearly palpable, almost taking on a life of its own. Carmy gave pause, his confidence seeming to dwindle the longer he looked at you. His mind spiraling, trying to search for all the reasons why this might be a bad idea, instead coming up empty.

He subconsciously cycled through the last few weeks he'd spent questioning his friendship with you, all the times he denied being anything more than a friend to you when someone asked about your relationship.

'What would life be like if the two of you were more than just friends?'

The question rang through his mind, clear as day. And as he watched you begin to deflate into yourself at his inaction, he knew he was just that much closer to the answer of his ever-present question.

Carmy's eyes slowly fluttered shut, and he was leaning in, heart beating faster than it probably ever had before, then his lips were pressing into yours ever so softly. He didn't allow either of you a real chance to enjoy the moment, quickly pulling away with heat flushed cheeks and embarrassment at his lack of experience.

"I-I don't…w-was that good?" He found himself cringing at how pathetic he sounded, sure he was likely making a fool of himself in front of you. Carmy watched in anticipation as your eyes finally fluttered open, the emotion in them seemed to pierce through him.

The small nod of your head helped to alleviate some of his worry, but the peck hadn't satiated his hunger for you, and before he could think twice, he was surging back in to capture your lips once more.

But your hand gently pressed into his chest stopping him in his tracks, a newfound sense of worry settling into him sure he had done something to mess this moment up. "Is this your first kiss Carmy?

More heat flooded his face as he averted his gaze; the eagerness with which he went in for a second kiss likely made his lack of experience obvious to you. His breath hitched as your hand left his face before moving to the buttons on his dress shirt, his eyes following your fingers in fascination as he stood there stiffly watching you undo them one by one.

"Relax Carm," as you undid the last button you opened his shirt to reveal the white tank top underneath hand gently falling to rest just above his hip, the heat from your palm helping him to calm down a bit but not nearly enough. "Don't rush okay? It's better when you take your time."

If he weren't so distracted by the warmth of your touch, he probably would have fed into the jealousy roiling inside him at the thought of someone else guiding you through your first kiss the same way you were doing for him. Carmy shuddered as your free hand traced a slow path up his abdomen, fingers gently removing his signature gold chain from where it was hidden under his tank before your hand continued its travel, brushing the overgrown locks of hair out of his face.

"The best kisses, Carm," He forced himself to breathe as your hand moved once more, this time back down his neck, your fingers playing with his chain. "Are soft and slow, you take your time." Carmy shuddered against you, forcing himself to bite back the groan threatening to escape as your hand on his abdomen dipped under the fabric of his tank top, gently caressing his bare skin.

"But you gotta tease them a little…leave them wanting more…and more."

Carmy's eyes were nearly shut, the tone of your voice mixed with the soft touches and the fantasies you were igniting within him only made him want you more, the teasing you just told him about was in full play as you worked him up. He could feel you leaning in, and all he wanted was the chance to kiss you one more time, but his need to speak up stopped you in your tracks.

"I-is that what you like?" His question not only helped tether him to this moment but upon opening his eyes he could see the curiosity it brought forth inside of you, "To be teased?"

Carmy knew his face was crimson after uttering the shy words, but most of all, he wished he knew what you were thinking as the whispered words hung between the two of you, your mouth gaping open a bit as your breathing increased. Carmy's hands slowly moved from where they had been hanging limply at his sides, and then he was caging you in, hands on either side of your body, feeding into the false confidence swimming through his veins, he leaned in close enough for your noses to graze with each breath taken.

"This isn't about me, Bear."

"It is…for me." It would always be about you for Carmy.

As he spoke, his lips ghosted against your own, remembering what you said about teasing. "S-Show me what you like…please."

Whatever was transpiring in this moment was more than two best friends sharing a kiss for the fun of it. The tension in your bedroom was at an all-time high, fingers pressed into skin, leaving behind a certain heat with the wish for something more.

Carmy waited in anticipation as he felt your fingers untangle from his chain before delicately gripping the side of his neck. A look of hesitancy danced through your eyes, and maybe it was selfish of Carmy, but he wanted this more than anything and would do everything in his power to make sure this moment didn't slip away from him. His hand moved from its position on the side of your body before he was gripping yours, where you held his neck holding you in place, eyes begging for you to relieve the ache he felt for your touch.

And then you were leaning in, Carmy eagerly meeting you to close whatever distance was still left between the two of you.

The urge to forego the need for oxygen thrummed through him, and Carmy could feel you pulling away, allowing you a moment of reprieve before his lips were chasing yours once more, his other hand moving to grip the back of your neck pulling you back in. The quiet giggle you let loose had him smiling into the kiss, the both of you pulling away for a moment longer similar goofy smiles etched on both of your faces, shy quiet laughter filling the bedroom.

A second later a groan reverberated through Carmy's chest as you raised to your knees to meet his lips, tongue shyly poking out to trace against his lip, Carmy was unsure of what it meant but eagerly parted his lips as your tongue prodded against them. No matter how much Carmy tried to hold back, he knew the kiss was messy, his inexperience shining through.

He could feel your hand tracing up the side of his neck, his grip having loosened before you were grabbing his jaw to hold him in place, arousal flooding through him as you took control of the kiss.

Carmy was pliant against you as he let your tongue explore his mouth, the possessive grip you had on his jaw pulled a needy whimper from him as he moved to grip your hips, pulling your body flush against his. He was struggling to process this moment, not because there was anything wrong with it, but it was the fact that he was kissing you, his best friend, which he couldn't fully wrap his head around. Carmy hadn't realized just how bad he wanted you…needed you in this way until now.

He found himself never wanting this moment to end as you moaned into his mouth, he began to follow your lead, allowing your tongue to guide his. With every stroke of your tongue against his, he pressed forward, wanting to be as close to you as possible. And you allowed him to, maneuvering back into a seated position, scooting farther up the bed in the mess of it all as he followed your every move as though you were his salvation.

You were the first to pull away this time, Carmy's body hovering allowing both of you a moment to breathe in the much needed air. A boyish smile lined Carmy's lips and a look of amazement twinkled in his eyes.

Carmy connected your lips once more, the need for his senses to be overwhelmed by you flowed through him.

Both of you were so lost to your lust-addled desires that neither of you thought about the consequences, how this moment would affect the future of your friendship or either of your relationships with Claire. A girl, both of you kept lying to.

Your hands eagerly reached up to push Carmy's unbuttoned dress shirt off his shoulders the fabric easily sliding down his arms. His tank top was next to go, no time for Carmy to feel insecure as he ripped it over his head before tossing it aside, a quiet sigh of relief escaping as your palms pressed into his warm skin.

Carmy was seconds away from leaning back down, needing you in a way he hadn't previously thought possible, when he found himself stilling, eyes locked on your face as he hovered over you. The lull in kissing gave him a moment to study you.

"What? Is something wrong?" Your question was shy and he hated the way you seemed to fold into yourself, smile slowly slipping away before his hand was once again moving.

Carmy felt your breathing pick up where his hand met the side of your neck, thumb moving to caress the anatomy of your jawline, getting lost in just how beautiful you looked beneath him. His eyes seemed to glaze over the longer he looked at you, a soft trance taking over as the glow of your skin enraptured him, your lips puffy from the prolonged kissing. But the look in your eye kept him trapped; he felt as though he could read every emotion swimming through them in that moment, and he knew every one of them was meant solely for him.

"Baby…" his voice sounded faraway even to his ears as he trailed off, watching with rapt fascination the way your lidded eyes fluttered at just the uttering of your name. "I think…I think I m-might be in lov-."

Three loud knocks on your bedroom door had both of you freezing up.

"You in there Baby?" The sound of Mikey's voice drifting through your bedroom door had whatever fantasies of a future with you raging through Carmy's mind quickly vanishing. "Your mom wanted me to come over and make sure you were good."

"Shit, he has the worst fucking timing." Carmy's words drew quiet laughter from your lips, and he smiled as he lost himself in the vision of you below him once more, tempted to ignore his brother and just kiss you for the rest of the night.

"Baby? You okay?"

Carmy watched the realization wash over your face as you both came to the conclusion that Mikey wasn't going anywhere until you opened the door. The position the two of you found yourselves in was far more compromising than the previous one his older brother walked in on, and you'd both be in for an unwanted lecture should he walk in again. Before Carmy could figure out what to do with himself, you were shoving him off of you, the weight of his body making the springs in your mattress squeak as he landed harshly on the bed, the sound doing no favors for your case as you moved around the room trying to tidy up.

Carmy sat there watching you, the fabric of his tank top and dress shirt slapping him in the face forced him to blink a few times, clearing his head of what he just experienced with you, his eyes met yours as you stared at him in alarm, mouthing for him to get out.

He made sure to be as quiet as he could as he moved for the back door reaching for the doorknob only to be stopped in his tracks as your gripped his hand.

"Wait." your voice was quiet and a feeling of shyness washed over him as he turned to face you assuming you would give him a kiss goodbye, only for you to tug him away from the door. "It squeaks just…hide in the closet or something."

Carmy scoffed during a horrible job at keeping his voice at an appropriate volume, "What, I'm not hiding in th-,"

His complaints were cut off as your hands found purchase on his shoulders, lips easily melding into his in a surprise kiss. Carmy's hands instinctively slid to your waist, squeezing your curves every so often, appreciating how good it felt as you sighed into his mouth, never mind the fact that you were walking him backwards.

The feeling of one of your hands tangling in his locks sent a shiver down his spine, and then your grip was tightening as you tugged on them, and if it wasn't for how turned on he felt from the pain he might have been a bit more ashamed of the wanton moan that passed through his lips as you finally parted from him.

"Aye, Baby, someone in there with you?" Mikey's question was punctuated by his hand jiggling the door knob, the noise of it drawing your attention as Carmy stood with his back pressed against your closet door without a care in the world, hand reaching to tug your face back in his direction for another kiss. "Baby, you know how your mom feels about you havin' the door closed when you got company."

Carmy's lips were so close to yours that he could basically feel the texture of your tongue on his as he moved to kiss you. "The closet Carmy." Your words were whispered against his lips and he watched as you tried to hold back the smile threatening to overtake your lips.

"Yeah…yeah, okay." His lips brushed against yours as he spoke, and before he knew it, he was pressing back into you catching your lips once more as he stole a kiss. A few seconds passed with you locked in his embrace before you pulled back, a shy smile on your face. Anticipation set heavy in his chest as he glanced at your lips but the sound of your closet clicking open as you twisted the knob brought him back to reality.

Carmy smiled as your hand met the warm bare skin of his chest as you pushed him into the space, a warning look in your eyes to dissuade him from causing any more trouble. He watched as you turned to finally get Mikey to go away, and unable to help himself, his hand shot out easily grabbing yours and quickly entangling your fingers together as he tugged you back towards him.

The sight of you looking at him, a shy smile on your face, filled him with a sense of adoration he'd felt many times before but had only just put a name to in this moment. He could tell you were beginning to get nervous, likely from how long Mikey had been waiting.

"What is it, Carm?"

The whisper of your voice made his smile widen and in a split second decision he was leaning toward you, free hand moving to cup your cheek before he planted a soft tender kiss on your lips, eyes fluttering open as he slowly pulled away. His forehead was pressed to yours as his vision focused on you, the goofy lovesick smile lining his lips once more.

"Nothing." The one-word answer was followed by a swift peck before he was spinning you around and giving a gentle guiding push to your lower back and shutting himself in the closet.

Carmy could see you through the slats of the door, doing his best to calm his breath and watching as you stood still for a moment longer, hand carefully raising to touch your lips.

Mikey's knocking had grown more incessant at this point spurring you into action. Carmy did his best to stand still and listen as you finally made you way to the door to unlock it, the slats on your closet door allowing him to see the moment Mikey barged into the room.

"Coulda sworn I heard someone else in here with you." From the tone of Mikey's voice Carmy knew that his older brother was fishing for answers, meaning he likely already knew that he was right and was just waiting to see if you would come clean before he called you out on your bullshit.

Carmy listened as you laughed off the question, no evidence of panic in your voice. "Think you might just be gettin' old, Mikey, I promise there's no one else in here." The lie rolled off your tongue so easily it might have convinced Carmy if he wasn't currently hiding out in your closet, but it did make him wonder if you'd ever lied to his face so easily and he hadn't even realized.

"Hmm," Mikey's hum made it obvious he didn't believe your lie, and Carmy could feel the panic begin to take root in him once more. "You good then, need anything?"

Carmy zoned out on the rest of your conversation, a pit in his stomach forming at how easily Mikey wrote off his suspicions. Seconds later the sound of a door closing reached his ears and then light was drifting into the once dark closet as the door opened to reveal you on the other side, a shy smile lining your lips.

The two of you stood frozen for a moment before your smile widened and you divulged into laughter at the ridiculousness of the whole situation, Carmy found himself joining in with you deciding in that moment the melody of your laugh was his new favorite sound.

"I uh…I think I should head home." Shyness rushed through Carmy as he finally spoke up, avoiding making direct eye contact with you as he realized he was still shirtless.

You nodded to his words, stepping out of his way. As he tugged his tank top over his head and slipped the dress shirt back on, he couldn't help but follow your figure while you moved around the room, stopping to pick up his jacket and tie.

Carmy awkwardly reached out for the garments when you met him at the door feeling unsure of what to say now that tensions between the two of you died down. A moment of courage pulsed through him as he stepped into your space to place a chaste kiss on your lips, eyes focusing on the spot between your brows when he pulled away so as not to look at you, a far cry from how eager he was only moments ago.

"M-maybe we could uh do something tomorrow…together I mean." He felt like an idiot for making that clarification, but the small smile you gave him made up for that.

Carmy could feel how hot his face was, embarrassed that he couldn't say the words without stuttering. But then you were stepping into his space, leaning in and pressing a soft kiss upon his cheek helping to alleviate his doubts.

"Yeah, I'd really like that, Carm." One last shy look was shared between the two of you before Carmy gave you his softest smile and slipped out the back door.

"Any reason for you sneaking out of Baby's room at midnight?"

Carmy abruptly stopped in his tracks on the stone path that led from your door to the back gate. The wide smile slipped from his face as the silhouette of a figure he knew to be none other than Mikey stepped forward into the light, arms tightly crossed against his chest as he scowled at his younger brother.

"You gonna start lyin' to me too now, kid?" Carmy stood there speechless, that gut feeling he had in the closet about Mikey turning out to be right.

There was no reason for him to try and gaslight Mikey into believing he hadn't just caught both of you red handed, but if attempting to do so would help ease his brother's case against you then he would try. He barely opened his mouth to convince him that he had it all wrong only for Mikey's exasperated sigh to stop him.

"What the hell is going on with the two of you, huh?" Carmy knew Mikey expected an answer, but the truth was he didn't have a clear one to give, considering he was still trying to understand the ever-fluctuating relationship he shared with you. "Have either of you ever stopped to think about Claire's feelings in all this? Think she's just gonna be fine when she finds out about whatever the hell the two of you been doing?"

Carmy immediately felt guilty at Mikey's line of questioning, he felt bad even admitting it to himself but he'd forgotten about the girl the second they parted ways. Carmy wanted to defend himself against Mikey's accusations but as he cataloged the last 30 minutes spent in your bedroom he knew the odds weren't looking good for him.

"You uh," he watched in confusion as Mikey awkwardly waved in his direction and the direction of your room before caving and clearing his throat as he spoke up, avoiding eye contact. "You guys used protection, right?"

Carmy could not believe the question he'd just been asked, by his older brother nonetheless. Embarrassment settled into his bones, heat filled his cheeks as he choked on his answer. His prolonged silence was enough for Mikey, though as the older man looked at him, jaw full of tension, not even wanting to have this conversation in regards to both of you, but trying to look out for the two of you and the idiotic decisions you both kept making.

"You gotta be fuckin' kidding me Carmen, are you trynna ruin her fucking life?" Although Mikey hadn't said it out loud, the tone of his voice and the near-wild look in his eyes made it obvious how worried he was about you. "I swear to god if that kid ends up pregnant you're gonna man the fuck up and take care of both of them."

Mikey's accusatory tone had Carmy frowning, his thinly veiled threats doing nothing to absolve Carmy's ire, irritation racing through him at his brother's words.

"Yo, Mikey what the fuck man?" Carmy tried to understand where his brother was coming from but the whole conversation was just beginning to piss him off and all he wanted at this point was to go home and sleep.

"S-she's not fuckin pregnant okay! I didn't…we didn't…it doesn't fucking matter because it's never gonna fuckin happen alright?" His frustration was in full effect now, frustration at Claire's stupid question for even putting any of these thoughts in his fucking head. Frustration at whoever the fuck kept leading you on when he was right here, right in front of you this whole time and would have done anything to be the one you wanted. Frustration at Mikey for never minding his fucking business.

But most of all, frustration with you for being so close yet so far out of his reach. He wanted to believe the moment the two of you had just shared meant something to you in the way it did for him, but now he couldn't help but doubt everything. Mikey's interrogation doing nothing but making him feel guilty about the whole situation.

"Carm…" Mikey's voice trailed off as he tried to gain his brother's attention, while he began his tangent.

"You know I-I don't even fucking like her like that! We just…we just got caught up in the moment, and that's okay? She and I will never be more than just fucking friends!" Carmy knew if he took one look at his older brother the man would see right through him, but it wasn't like it mattered because Carmy had only said those words to get Mikey off his back and in hopes that saying the quiet part out loud would help him come to terms with the fact that you didn't want him and likely never would.

"Tomorrow none of this will even fucking matter. S-so what if we kissed, it doesn't mean anything!"

Carmy's chest moved up and down rapidly, a side effect from the frustration and his rant, but as soon as he looked at Mikey's face, all the fight seemed to drain out of him. Because Mikey wasn't focused on him but instead on a spot to the side of him, brows furrowed, face painted in sorrow, and in that, Carmy was certain he had never felt more defeated in his life.

The clearing of your throat had Carmy closing his eyes in devastation, and a mix of anger coursed through him at how stupid he was.

"Sorry I…I," Carmy listened to your stuttering, heart breaking at the hurt he could hear in your voice as you trailed off. He knew you, probably better than he knew himself, and while you never believed him, he told you he always knew when you were on the verge of tears because of the sound of your voice, and he could hear it now, the thickness as you fought to keep your composure. "I-I was just going to return this."

Carmy felt like a coward as you walked into his line of sight, head tilting down slightly so he wouldn't have to see the tears gathered in your eyes. His eyes latched onto your hand stretched out in front of him, his phone clutched in it, likely having fallen out of the pocket of his jacket when he slung it over the chair.

A shuddered breath pushed through his lips before he forced himself to look up and meet your eyes, a painful ache lanced through him at how distraught you looked. Your eyes were flooded, tear tracks staining your face as he stood there, stupidly watching a few drip off your chin, your hand hastily reaching to wipe away the evidence.

He reached out hesitantly, chest feeling hollow as you dropped the phone in his hand, quick to snatch the appendage back as he tried and failed to reach out for you.

"Baby I-,"

"Goodnight, Carmen, Mikey." You didn't give either of them a second glance, both brothers watching you return to your room feeling equally as guilty for the hurt you were now experiencing.

Carmy stood there, eyes locked on your door as he tried to figure out how he could ruin something so special so quickly. The embers of anger were snuffed out as he watched the lights in your bedroom go dark, signaling that there was no chance for any form of reconciliation for the night. An exhausted sigh parted his lips, hand clenching around his phone. Tears of frustration welled in his eyes as he kept replaying the look of anguish on your face in his mind, wishing more than anything that he could go back in time, back to the moments in your room where you looked at him like he was the only thing in this world that mattered.

Back when he had just enough hope to believe that he could be the person you loved, but that hope was dead now, and it was at no fault but his own.

He was pulled from his rumination as Mikey's hand clapped him on the shoulder. As much as he wanted to be angry with his brother, he just didn't have the energy for it, allowing the older man to pull him into a hug as he ruffled his overgrown hair.

"I love you kid but you got a lotta shit that needs figurin' out."

Carmy didn't pay much attention to the words, instead carefully shrugging off Mikey's touch before he began to make his way home. Not only had he likely lost whatever slim chance he did have with you, but now he wasn't even sure what this meant for your friendship.

You slowly blinked, turning your head just slightly, staring through the glass doors of the building, eyes instantly locking with the camera. If it wasn't for the building's somewhat tinted windows, you were sure it would have picked up on your disheveled frame.

It wasn't like they were reporting anything you didn't already know, it was the sole reason you were there. Waiting for updates you knew you would never get.

The few health care professionals situated at the nurses' station were taking pity on you; you heard as much as they turned you away when you struggled to explain who you were to him. Saw it in their eyes when they apologized for being unable to give you any other information than what you already knew.

Upon arriving at the hospital you knew he was in surgery, critical condition is what the AP alert that dropped on the wires while you were at work said.

But that was hours ago, and you knew nothing more than that. Pair the anxiety of not knowing with the way every TV in the lobby seemed to be replaying the footage of him plunging into the Indian Ocean, and all you could do was think of the very worst scenarios.

Most importantly though you couldn't help but wish you would have noticed when he began pulling away, distancing himself from you. Wished you had fought harder on that warm spring afternoon when the breeze drifted through the open windows of your shared apartment, soft music playing on the vinyl he randomly gifted you on a Tuesday in January all because he couldn't stop thinking about you.

In the six months since you'd gone your separate ways, all your friends kept asking if there were any signs, or pointing out red flags they said you should've noticed, to villainize him in hopes it would cheer you up.

As the ticking of the analog clock filled the heavy silence of the hospital, it took every bit of self-control you had left to choke back the sob climbing to tear out your throat, because there were no signs.

Joaquin Torres told you he fell out of love with you with the same soft brown eyes that just days prior didn't need words to express his desires to spend the rest of his life with you.

And now here you were unsure if you'd ever see him again, praying to whatever mighty being that was out there that he'd pulled through.